The Almost True Life of Kimberly Ronalds #1

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Cars Are Over-Rated

"Wait, shut up, I'm writing," I told Mitchell* as he hung over my writing. I was in the middle of a post, couldn't his wining wait until later.

"I wanna see the go-cart now," he complained.

"Fine, whatever," I got up, and logged off. After that, I trotted down the stairs and outside. There, sitting on the neighbors driveway, was the most pathetic excuse for a go-cart I had ever seen. It looked like a skeleton, literally, and the paint was non-existent, but it was still cool. And it was all my little brothers, as he had pointed out numerous times.

I watched him ride around the neighborhood a few times. Finally, after plucking off enough grass to make a small patch of our lawn look like it was town up by a tornado, I stood up.

"My turn," I said.

"But, Kim," Mitchell wined.

"I really wanna ride the go cart,"

"It's my go-cart!" He protested. I made a pouty face, he shook his head, and I swear I saw him mouth the word 'pathetic', "I am not pathetic!"

"Well, you still can't ride my go-cart." he crossed his arms over his chest.

I gave him a death look, and then went inside. Later that night, I went back outside. My brother was over his friends house now. He would never know. I went over, and got the go cart. I started up the nearly ancient engine, and jumped a little at the noise.

A few of the neighbors had gathered to watch, and I took off. I waved hello to the many populars who lived on the street, and continued on down to an undeveloped section of the neighborhood. Before long, I reached a rounded part of the street and turned around.

All the way I pressed the gas as far in as it went. I could picture myself crossing a finish line in a race.

The plaid flag waves, the crowd cheers, "And in first place," the announcer calls, "Kimberly Ronalds." I step up, and hold a trophy in my hand.

"Thank you everyone, it's such an honor to be here,"

I got brought back to reality as I pulled up back at the neighbors house.

"I bet you still wish you were young enough to ride a go cart," I said to my neighbor, Shea.

"Nah, I'm too old for that stuff," he retorted, "I have a car now."

"Cars are overrated," I said, and gave him a once over. Then I turned away from him. I suddenly remembered, and pulled off my helmet. I shoved the helmet into his hands and turned back around.

As soon as I did, I heard the engine start.

*All names have been changed for privacy sake.

Most of events in this story are true, but some of the dialogue has been changed for content and/or for the sake of comprehension.
Last edited by Kaywiia on Thu Aug 19, 2010 9:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Love is beautiful, but what would love be without life?




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Hey, wariofart here.

The main problem with this piece is that there's no conflict. And conflict is what makes writing a story. Right now, you're just describing yourself riding a go-cart. Snooze. Give me something to care about here! Because you're basically writing a memoir here, you might not think this event has any conflict. If it really doesn't, then scrape this story because right now it's boring. Or, try and think about how you can add conflict.

How did this event affect your life after this? Did people argue over who could go on the go-cart? Did someone get hurt, and then you felt guilty for letting them on, or did your outlook on life change because of this or...? You get what I'm saying.

Hope this helps.
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That my love keeps writing again and again
And again"




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Hey Kaywiia

First I'll start with the nitpicks.

I watched him ride around the neighborhood a few times. Finally, after plucking off enough grass to make a small patch of our lawn look like it was town torn up by a tornado, I stood up.


I made a pouty face, he shook his head, and I swear I saw him mouth the word 'pathetic', "I am not pathetic!"
I don't like the I made a pouty face bit, it just seems like there isn't any description going on. How about saying, 'I stuck out my bottom lip wobbling it, my eyes glistening with unshed tears' or something to that effect.

I agree with what your previous reviewer said, there is absolutely no conflict in this story, no wow factor, nothing to make me want to read the next 555 pages of what could be a marvelous story about a racing legend. I think there was a hint of conflict with the little brother, perhaps you could develop on it. How did he react after he found out that you stole his go-cart? I also felt a hint of a maybe romance between your MC and the neighbor Shea -whom I thought was a girl because well the name is Shea- but that went nowhere.

I think this should be in non-fiction if its about real events in real life but each-to-her own.
Dont tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass.

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