Depression

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1473
Reviews 5
The rain is cool and just a drizzle,
it almost feels nice on my skin.
The clouds are looking a bit too dismal,
standing outside my gloomy inn.

My home, my dungeon,
is what it is to me.
A place not too common,
with not a single living tree.

Gray, gray, everyday,
making me feel so isolated.
I hope one day it all goes away,
so cold I feel refrigerated.

Would you help me out of this state,
out of this sad sad world that's mine?
Or is my time up, is it way too late?
From this darkness have I grown blind?
Last edited by xxKittyKatxx on Thu Aug 19, 2010 3:21 am, edited 1 time in total.




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 9631
Reviews 118
You do a really good job creating a gloomy mood here. I liked your rhyme scene a lot. There were just a couple things I saw:

is what it it is to me.


so cold I feel refrigerated.


I don't know, "refrigerated" fits well with the rhyme scene but it's kind of an odd word to include in a poem. But that's just me.

Otherwise, I really liked this!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 5238
Reviews 174
Great conclusion. The overall theme of depression was captured fairly well including your mention of feeling cold, the lack of living trees representative of energy and life, and the seemingly permanent dungeon. I liked how you stuck to the theme from the start of the poem to the end. Every descriptive word used felt like it belonged and ultimately the conclusion was the metaphorical icing of the cake.

Sincerely,
-Elitehusky




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 23425
Reviews 566
Hello! You do a good job here of creating a gloomy mood, so well done. There are just a couple of things I think could be improved:

it almost feels nice on my skin.


"Nice" isnt a very descriptive word. How does it feel nice? Is it refreshing, perhaps? I want to know more.

My home, my dungeon,
is what it is to me.
A place not too common,
with not a single living tree.


I feel like you're talking about trees here just to make it rhyme. What do trees have to do to anything? Does this image add anything to the poem?

so cold I feel refrigerated.


Again, this feels a little forced, and sort of out of place. Don't be held hostage by your rhyming scheme - you're in control of the poem! Maybe have an experiment with different rhyming schemes, or using no rhyming scheme at all, or think of something that sounds a bit more natural.

I like the way you ended the poem, with the questions, and particularly the last line. I just think that some parts could sound less forced. Good job!
Matt.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 915
Reviews 37
I liked the idea and the theme a lot. And you did a great job setting the mood! I do have to point out that "refrigerated" is kind of and odd word to use... And it seems a bit cliche and sounds like you only used it for the sake of rhyme. Also, I noticed that you lacked needed punctuation in areas... Perhaps you could read back through it and try to fix this? It helps the readers better understand it when you use correct punctuation.
Overall, this is fantastic! Good job and keep writing!
~~Lukan~~
"She looks to the stars and wishes upon one; then waits for love at the next rising sun" <3




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 1084
Reviews 3
although a little rough around the edges, this certainly conveys the emotion it intends to and very well too. i think using slightly more interesting descriptive words will make it just that little bit deeper and improve it so much with so little effort.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? no, I'm thinking what I'm thinking



"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be."
— Albus Dumbledore