Blood Bond Ch. 2

THIS IS PERSONAL

I walked out into the kitchen, Selene gasped and Robert laughed at me, I realised I was still holding a stake in my hand. I looked up to the two older vampires and couldn't imagine what was going through their heads.
"Good evening, fluffy the vampire slayer." Robert chuckled, I looked at him confused for a moment, then Selene handed me a compact mirror. I put the Stake in my bag and took it, snapping it open and looking at the huge red frizz ball that was on my head. I couldn't help but laugh as well.
"Nice hair." Selene started, snatching her mirror back. "What's all that for? Planning on slaying us?" she asked mockingly, turning and walking back to the table and returned to putting make up on. I swallowed hard, looking away for a moment. I wasn't sure how she would react. I knew Robert wouldn't care, but Selene was a little more protective over me. I looked back up to her, I would've had to of told her eventually.
"I'm going to get him back."

She stopped dead in her tracks, and Robert to this as a sign to get out of there as fast as he could. He was almost automatically out the door the second Selene froze up. I felt my palms get clammy. Selene wasn't going to take this well at all. She turned to me, and if looks could kill, I would have dropped dead right then and there.
"We've discussed this. It's too dangerous. Look what happened last time you went after him." She said, her voice heavy with concern and laced with anger.
"Yes, I remember, but I was nothing but a human then. You yourself have said no vampire is a match for me. You've trained me for three years on how to defend myself and keep myself hidden. I just want to get my brother back!" I whined, my eyes tearing up. It felt as if she didn't believe in me. She looked up to me, forcing me to look away.
"I do believe in you." She said, answering my thoughts. She walked over putting her hand on my shoulder and lifting my chin. "I just don't want you to get hurt." I pulled away from her. I felt very offended, I wouldn't get hurt. I was faster then any vampire I'd ever seen, and a better fighter as well.
"I won't get hurt. I'm a big girl and you need to let me make my own decisions." I muttered as I crossed my arms and turned away.

We stood in silence for a few moments. Then she grabbed my wrist and pulled me into her room. She sighed, I was still refusing to allow myself to look at her. I was frustrated with her, and there was nothing she could do to convince me to stay.
"I'm not about to let you go all by yourself, and if you are going to go you'll need this." She lifted her mattress and reach under, pulling out a credit card. She handed it to me and walked over to her vanity. I looked down at the card then back up to her, as I put the card in my bag.
"You're not coming with me." I sighed as she handed me her hairbrush. I began to tame my wild frizz as she crossed her arms and looked away deep in thought.
"And why not? I am just as capable as you are." she retaliated. I really should have known that was coming. I grunted as I ran the brush through my tangles.
"You aren't coming with me, because this is one of those things I have to do by myself." She through her hands up in desperation, groaning.

She stomped out of the room, I set the brush down and followed. She was standing in the kitchen holding her car keys.
"I have to go to work now. You are going to wait right here, and when I get home we will go together. because I'm not letting an eight-teen year old girl go and fight a nest of vampires all by herself." She left immediately after. Did she honestly think I was going to wait? I didn't waste a moment, I ran into her room and grabbed my bag. I walked into the kitchen, I was tingling with excitement. Never once in my entire un-dead life, had I gone against what Selene said. She didn't understand, I had to do this by myself. This was personal.

I stepped into the hallway, taking a deep breath as I shut the door. someone cleared their throat behind me, I quickly spun around to come face to face with Robert.
"I knew you wouldn't wait for her. You know if you don't get killed doing this, when you return she is going to kill you?" He asked, sounding more serious then he ever had in his life. He crossed his arms waiting for a reply.
"I know. But you don't understand! How many times do I have to say it! I have to do this alone." I explained again. I felt like a broken record repeating myself. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes, his dark brown eyes flashing his compassion and concern.
"I know you aren't going to listen to me if I try and convince you to stay, but if you listen to anything I say tonight, please listen to this. I was once part of a nest, it maybe the one that took your brother and it may not be, but nests are very dangerous. But they don't fight like you do, they fight with their rage and brute strength." He advised me, taking his hands off my shoulders, but never breaking eye contact. I was utterly shocked. He had been part of a nest? I shook it off for the moment.
"So, I fight with my speed. Thank you Rob. Now I have some unfinished business to attend to." I rush my thanks, before running off.

I climbed down the fire escape, in record time. I looked up to see him at the top smiling down at me. I nodded at him and ran down the alley. Now I just had to locate the nest. Something I hadn't thought of. There had to be a vampire in New York that knew which nest had him. I would hit up every nest until I found him. I didn't care how long it took. The cool night air hit my face as I ran. I could smell blood, from an open wound. That meant either a stabbing, shooting, or most likely, vampire attack. I smiled and closed my eyes. I saw a man running down an ally, holding his arm to his chest, and it was bleeding. I smiled, as I saw a blur run in front of the man, and a vampire stopping right in front of him. I turned to the left and pressed on forward. This scum was going to give me some information.

Hey, Mix. It's time to show how I can be more evil reviewing, than I am in the chat room.

First off spaces between paragraphs.

"Good evening, fluffy the vampire slayer," Robert chuckled. I looked at him, confused for a moment, then Selene handed me a compact mirror.

Period instead of comma after chuckled, and a comma after slayer and him.

I put the Stake in my bag and took it,

Stake with a lower case s.

"Nice hair,[/b[" Selene started, snatching her mirror back.

Comma after hair.

I looked back up to he[b]. I would've had to of told her eventually.

Take out to and add at. Take the -ve and had and put have. And take out of told and put tell. Also make the second part its own sentence. "I looked back up at her. I would have to tell her eventually." See how much better that sounds. And change the to you

and Robert to this as a sign to get out of there as fast as he could.

Change the bold area to took.

I felt my palms get clammy

Sweaty sounds better to me.

She said, her voice heavy with concern and laced with anger.

Just get rid of it.

I whined, my eyes tearing up.

Whined? Pleaded, maybe.

"I do believe in you." she said, answering my thoughts.

Ok, last time I check these and I will explain to why I am fixing them. Usually when you do quotations and the sentence would have a period, and it then it says I said, he said, she said, etc . . . You'll put a comma instead of a period and put the next part lower case like it's in the middle of a sentence (except I). You get what I'm trying to say? If it ends in an ! or a ? you keep those there, but the next part is still lower case. I'll give you some examples:
"I want to kill you," he said.
"You want to kill me?" she asked.
"I want to kill you!" he screamed.
Got it?

She lifted her mattress, and reach under, and pulling out a credit card.

You're switching tenses. Changed reach into reached, pulling into pulled, and take the and and place after under. "She lifted her mattress, reached under, and pulled out a credit card." Sounds much better now.

I looked down at the card and then back up to her. as I put the card in my bag.

This confused me for a bit. Add an and, replace the comma with a period, and remove as.

Sadly enough, so I can focus on the story, I am going to stop reviewing grammar.

Overall, storyline not so bad, but your grammar sucks big time. My suggestion would either A: get a big book on grammar rules, or B: have a family member read it over. The more grammar mistakes you make, the less likely people will read it. The main reason for that, is people don't want to sit there and check off every little mistake. Anyways, if you need more reviews, you know where to find me.

Lethero the Werewolf

This is good, such a cliffhanger, and I'm excited to read more. The comments above are great too, it just still feels a bit rushed to me. Maybe I just like to saturate my own writing with details, that can be overkill so go with what your gut tells you. The above reviewer pretty much covered everything, I just wanted to let you know that I'm following this and am looking foward to reading more.

Hello allmixedup,
Here is your review enjoy

You yourself have said no vampire is a match for me.

I think it would be better to say You were the one that said no vampire is a match for me.

I pulled away from her. I felt very offended, I wouldn't get hurt. I was faster then any vampire I'd ever seen, and a better fighter as well.

Here you are constantly saying I I pulled, I felt, I wouldn't, I was. Trying combining it and saying something like I pulled away from her offended. etc.

"You aren't coming with me, because this is one of those things I have to do by myself." She through her hands up in desperation, groaning.

Here it is confusing who is talking you should have your dialogue and they I said and then put She through her hands....

I saw a man running down an ally, holding his arm to his chest, and it was bleeding

Here it would be better to say he held his bleeding arm to his chest.

Well I loved the idea of the story but the grammar could use some work. Sometimes you need to add conjunctions, and many times you replaced words that needed to be in the sentence with commas. It was a little confusing to read so if I were you I would go back in the story and read through it to make sure it made sense. If you changed your grammar so it made sense it would be an excellent story .

-lilgreendots