Purple - Chapter1, Part 1

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I'm a bit frazzled. The story itself is good, but I don't like the format, I'm not even sure if there is one. Maybe there's no need for dates if you're not writing it as if each passage is a diary entry. Otherwise, dialogue is a little strange for that type of formatting. The writing lacks the tone that tells the reader that this is a novel. It didn't feel like I was reading a novel, more like reading someone's poorly organized thoughts. The best way to describe it is premature, but there's lots of room for improvment. Read, reading will give you an idea of what seasoned autors sound like. Have you ever read "TTYL" it's a great book written completely in IMs. The writing is decent despite the fact that there are lols on every page. This goes to show that you can assume a casual tone in your writing and produce something of quality. Keep reading, and your writing will get better. I'd love to read more, the story itself is quite interesting.

I agree with UndertheGun, the way you used dialogue it would be better if you didn't have the main character write it like a journal or diary entry. Or if you really wanted to keep the diary or journal format then you should format it so that it has little or no dialogue. When you wrote the passage under October 12 Friday you wrote in a format where it sounded like your main character was writing in a journal or diary. When you wrote the passages under October 23 and the 26th the format changed a lot because you started including dialogue and not writing it like it was a diary entry. Other than that I like the story and I can't wait to read your next chapter.

Hey, thanks for taking my advice, I like the changes that you've made, it's a step in the right direction but your writing still needs work. Remember that they call us artists, so when you write, don't forget that it's an artform. Some art is simple and beautiful, but with words, you really have to dress them up and make them dance for your readers. Like the way you started it, "I feel so alone", that's been said and done a thousand times before. Maybe use the part about Facebook at the very beginning, start by quoting Facebook, and then cut to, "I feel so alone". That's just a suggestion. It just doesn't feel like the cut and dry system is working for this because the tone is almost sarcastic while the plot deals with serious emotions. I hope this helps. Keep writing, I'm gonna go read part 2.

I also really like the story itself, but the formatting for me seems a little different. It's probably just because I'm not used to it! keep it up hun! I'm off to read the rest!

Hey Carlito! Pink here, as promised!

So I'm not really going to nitpick on this because it seems you have a good understanding with most of your grammar and all and that's usually what I look for. Instead, I'll be reviewing in four parts

Introduction
I, in all honesty, think you need more spice to your introduction. You tell us your character is alone and okay, we get that but to grab the reader's attention, why not insert a scene of some sort? Something to reel us in, a quote, an inspirational dream that would catch our eyes. But all in all, you still a good job at getting the plot centered, we know who she is and what she wants.

Characters
Right now, your MC is kinda mopey but then again, that can change. I hate talking about character's inner feelings, especially in the beginning of the story so I'm not going to do that. Instead, I noticed you introduced a lot of names and different characters such as Polly and Evan, okay I get those. But then you add another three and it's too many names to take in at once. Try to spread them out and give us descriptions rather than stereotypes. So we build a picture in our heads and it's easier to remember their names with the faces we see up there XD.

Writing style
I like your writing style, really. It's nice, easy to read and productive. But, there's still room for improvement. I noticed that throughout your story you do more telling than showing, especially in the beginning and that can sometimes be a turn off for some readers. I would recommend you add more 'showing' to your story. Show us what she's doing, checking her email, seeing her friend ditch her for her boyfriend, show us what she's feeling. It's more powerful, too.
I was still sad and alone.
vs.
I sat down, with my face buried inside my hands. "I'm still alone," I whispered.
That's not a very good example, but you see what I mean?

Overall
The writing format isn't exactly as much a problem to me. It's the lack of description that bother me a little. The way the story moves and flows is all fine but I think you tell to much and show too little, as I mentioned before. That can always be fixed, no worries. But, overall, I liked this setting and I liked the way Cora perceived her love, there are times where I feel the same way she does and I'm sure I'm not the only one, there are plenty of girls who are like that, wanting to experience it and be cared for, it's in our blood! haha. Anyways, I like the ending, the whole Halloween forest camp out thing is a perfect setting to meet a tall dark stranger but hopefully it's not that cliche otherwise we'd have a problem. >.<
Now, I'll have the next part down by tomorrow hopefully
Till then,

~Pink

Edited the formatting to make it easier to read

So, heres what I thought.
It was good, needs a lot of work but don't start editing yet until you got a good foundation. There was a lot, jumping, set out a foundation, then work on that.I feel like there isn't a lot of description, all I really got out of that chapter was that Cora feels lonely, and is watching her life go by. I feel like the problem goes deeper, well it can go deeper. The way you write throws me off a wee bit. You jump in between a journal type style, and a first person, which some people say is the same, I disagree. Readers don't like it when they have to be dilerbly told things.

You say this is a true story? It's actually story of my life. Well somewhat but I know the lonely single feeling a little too well. I liked it, a lot. No particular edits but I shall go on to part 2!