Whispers (Prologue)

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I've been working on this for a while and finally got it finished. For more info visit my site at http://foreverforgottenlove.com/ Also, feel free to follow my twitter as well https://twitter.com/pweezedonteatme

I'd like to have your opinions and other thoughts about this. It's a paranormal romance fiction novel.
Hope you enjoy! :]


Prologue

She stood in the center of the road in the pouring rain, trying to get past the three officers that kept pulling her back. The unbearable sight made her more anxious to see him. Ambulances, police cars, firetrucks and cars lined up on both sides of the street. People began coming from their cars and nearby homes forming a crowd, all wondering what had happened.

She pounded against one of the officer's chest who held her back, almost giving up, fighting through her tears. Screams, sirens and worried voices began elevating in all directions. She spun around mindlessly, taking a look at all the confusion. She screamed on the top of her lungs in frustration.

Finally, she broke through the men's grip. Without hesitation, she ran forward between a giant fire truck and ambulance. Before she got to the scene, she noticed blood washing away with the rain down the road. A rush of horror ran through her body. “Jordan!” She shrieked. Her stomach dropped. The thought of what was happening or what might have happened to him flashed through her head. The tears started coming harder as she progressed.

It didn't feel real to her. She wanted to wake up, but she couldn’t.

She paid no attention to the people surrounding her. She was only concentrated on getting to the source of the all chaos that she knew in her gut involved Jordan.

She saw the front of one of their cars smashed in. The windshield was shattered with missing pieces of glass, the back end of the car was severely dented, and the driver’s door was wide open. Jordan was leaning back on the seat with his eyes closed with blood smeared everywhere from the glass that cut him.

Her eyes grew in horror. When she finally reached him, she ripped off a piece of her shirt and cradled his head in her arms, trying to prevent him from bleeding to death, and held it close to a major wound on his head. She started rocking him back and forth as she moved his dark brown hair out of his face, kissing his forehead. “It’s going to be alright, baby. It’s going to be okay.” She trembled. “We’re going to be home soon and it’s going to be fine.” She whispered into his ear, hoping her words would come
true.

The surrounding people watched in awe, but she ignored it all. An officer walked up behind her to pull her away, she shook him off.

She was drenched in the gray rain. She stared at him with moisture in her eyes, trying to stay strong as he'd want her to, hoping it wasn't too late. Right then, he mumbled something under his breath which made her jump in excitement to hear. She grabbed his hand and put it to her cheek as his eyes slowly opened up to his wife.

His eyes fluttered opened. “Angie,” he said softly.

The officer attempted to pull her away again, but she just shook him off. "He's speaking!" She told the officer. And with that, that man walked away to have a word with the workers, but she muffled out the voices in her head.

She gasped. She didn't want to hurt him but she couldn't help herself from hugging him. “Jordan? Are you okay?”

“Whatever happens, I love you” He said, seeming aware of what was going on.

“I’ll always love you back.” She promised.

Jordan gasped for air and his eyes closed. “I won’t let anything happen to
you, baby,” Angie told him as fresh tears took over.

A different officer walked up to her. "Ma'am, you need to move away so we can take him to the hospital. You have to come with us, though. You said he spoken to you?"

She nodded her head.

And with that, the men came over and she reluctantly stepped out of their way. She
held sides in the rain, watching the paramedics lift him onto a stretcher.

Her hopes were never so high before. Please… She thought. “I promise…”
She whispered to herself.




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Very interesting. The dialogue and descriptions carried me smoothly from beginning to end. My interest was drawn to what happened and the way you slowly revealed pieces of key information held that interest. Overall a very intriguing story that fits the Prologue category well.

“Whatever happens, I love you” He said, seeming aware of what was going on.


I liked this reveal showing that Jordan was still alive. Perhaps "seemingly" would be better than "seeming" but it's a minor change that really wouldn't have a significant impact if left unchanged.

As I read this I wondered if it would be like the car wreck scene from a little book called Twilight. I was pleasantly surprised to find out it was much different and I hope you continue to write more.

Sincerely,
-Elitehusky




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This was pretty impressive.

I like it because it's exciting from the very beginning. Maybe not exciting, but engaging, or maybe both.

I love how clearly everything is in my head when I read this. I have a great sense of what the scene looks like, what the main character is feeling, and the commotion that surrounds the accident.

"Her eyes grew in horror"--this is just such a great way to phrase what's happening on her face.

"the unbearable sight made her more anxious to see him. Ambulances, police cars, firetrucks and cars lined up on both sides of the street."

Try taking out the 'and' between firetrucks and cars, it sounds a bit unnatural. How about, "Ambulances, police cruisers, firetrucks, cars; they were all lined up on both sides of the street"

And there's a part where you say she screams on the top of her lungs when it should be "from".

I'm sure you'll catch the rest after proofreading.

Hope this helps! Keep up the good work, I'll be followng this so please keep posting.
-From Gwen with Love-




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Hey I am going to review your work :D

I'm not really sure this sentence makes sense, its the began comming bit, it stops the flow of the piece.
People began coming from their cars and nearby homes forming a crowd, all wondering what had happened.

When you say pounded I get the idea of clenched fists, explain it a bit more, so we can grasp the situation better...every detail matters!
She pounded against one of the officer's chest who held her back, almost giving up, fighting through her tears.

Again this sentence stops the flow, is the use of comming harder!
The tears started coming harder as she progressed.

Explain this, you mean wake up - like it is all a dream?
It didn't feel real to her. She wanted to wake up, but she couldn’t.

You make it sound like shaking off a police officer is easy - but it really isn't, if they were trying to pull her away, they would have a firm grip!
An officer walked up behind her to pull her away, she shook him off.


Overall this is really good, I can paint a picture in my head. Your grammar is pretty clear, but I think there are some things that aren't clear or don't make sense!
But over all It was really good :D
~TheGillianGill~

There's a bright light, see it in the distance? It's called your future.




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Thank you all for the reviews ^-^ I appreciated it



Poetry is my cheap means of transportation. By the end of the poem the reader should be in a different place from where he started. I would like him to be slightly disoriented at the end, like I drove him outside of town at night and dropped him off in a cornfield.
— Billy Collins