BloodLust - Prologue & Chapter 1 Part 1 [Edited]

Rated 16+ for violence.

EDIT - Chapter 1 Part 2 is out.
Link - Here


To those who don't know, I've already posted the first a second chapters of this story on YWS once before. But after several years of avoiding YWS (I know, how could I??)and focusing on my novel, I've edited it a lot. And when I say lot I mean a heck of a lot.

Each chapter is divided into two parts to make it easier to critique. If you want to have the whole chapter next time, I'll be more than happy to oblige to your wishes ^^

It's rated 18+ for violence and mature themes, although personally i'm weigh under that age myself o.O.

A note to reviewers, don't be nice. Non't even try to be nice. Dissect this story and stab it to death if you want with yuo sharp critiquing told, but please do not be soft on it, hehe. Also, personally i feel the prologue needs some serious editing, what are your views?

To Twilight haters - Don't worry, this is one of the stories that you will remember to be the least like Twilight.

To Twilight fans - Read on anyway, who knows, the world acts in strange ways, you might actually like this.


So yeah.... on to the story

BloodLust

Prologue

The stars were all that glistened in the sheet of darkness that prevailed above the wildlife surrounding the man. He made his way through the forest, disturbed by his motionless surroundings. Yet he continued onward, searching for not an object but a person, a person who was not in fact a person at all, a person that would hold the fate of the world in his hands, the world he resided in and loved. He pulled at his light clothing as a chill descended around him, almost freezing him. Yet he continued, against the pain he felt as the cold ate into his skin, against the fear inside him that increased with every passing second and against what was fated to be. He did not want the warmth that he needed nor did he want to rest his exhausted body. He had to get there, to the crypt, before they came with their swords and their pikes. He could barely see what lay ahead of him as he ran through the dense undergrowth of the forest. The darkness was too thick, shrouding his sight as if fighting against him. But something led him on, tugging at his mind, forcing him to continue his trek through the shrubs that protected the tomb as if they were sentinels surrounding a village.

And then he fell, onto a large circular stone that bore markings of languages so old and unintelligible that they could not be seen anywhere else on the world; languages that could compel a man to kill, to forsake his family and pursue futile quests that led him to a painful and humiliating death. Still kneeling on the hard marble stone, the man glanced up at the sky, looking, searching for the moon. It did not show. He smiled. The night was ripe for the ceremony to continue. As he crawled towards the centre of the circle, he did not stop to ponder on the implications that would arise following his actions. They were irrelevant at this stage. He brushed away the soil that covered its delicate carvings, searching for depth, possibly a hole that penetrated the impenetrable circle. His hunt ended as his hand reached the precise centre of the stone. The man pushed against something inside the shallow hole, a stone emblem of some sort that he felt under his fingers.

The ground shook as his hand was pulled down into the stone, pulled by a force no man could fight. The stone began to shake, cracking as if something was pushing from under it. The centre was suddenly pushed upwards with such a force that parts of the marble were propelled into the air. The rest shattered into dust as a hand emerged from beneath it.

A creature surfaced from beneath the remains of the marble circle. It looked down at the whimpering man who lay at his feet before lifting him up and looking straight into his eyes. A hideous crack resounded before the already numb corpse of the man fell down. The creature looked around studying its surroundings, paying not the slightest attention to the corpse that lay motionless at his feet. What light that shined down on this terrible occurrence did not reflect on the creatures eyes when it looked up at the sky. Its inhumanly black eyes seemed to be overflowing with venom and hatred. Its grey body only increased the aura of dread around the creature. It was as if this creature were made using the essence of hate; a personification of horror. It flexed its humanoid body before opening its large mouth, allowing his hundred or so teeth to gleam in the moonlight.

The creature knelt down and opened its colossal mouth, intending on consuming the man’s head entirely, which it did without second thought. The dreadful sound of bone and teeth meeting together echoed throughout the forest, though quickly dying away, faster than it had commenced. The creature roared shortly afterwards, blood still staining its face. It roared again, warning those with intellect of his arrival, of its rebirth into the world again.





Chapter 1

Part 1

I gazed up into the night sky hoping for something… anything that could untie the shackles in my mind, the same shackles that increased their torment on me with every passing second. I sighed, trying to ignore the sudden chill that started to fall imperceptibly making the night colder than it was, though it was always cold now. The night had been menacingly cold ever since that day…

Do you remember it?

I brushed away the painful thought before it attracted me into its cogitative clasp. I did not want to think of that day again. I sighed again.

What will you do now?

I leaned against the hard bark of the tree whose branch I sat upon. The forest was an ideal hiding place for those who did not want to be seen. Its wild undergrowth and sinister aura frightened many who dared enter its entrails. I yawned, revealing my teeth and a mental image of me entered my blank mind. It was almost amusing - a vampire revealing her sharp canines whilst yawning; a reflex action that could easily be overcome. Yet it did not succeed in quenching my depressive mentality, what was expected of the comical thought did not bring the slightest amusement to me.

It was then that it hit me. It was happening again. Silence was the first of the signs that signaled its awakening. It was also the last. My body began to tremble, so slightly and so fast that even I could only feel it. My mouth dried up and a fanatical craving overcame the smallest cells in my body. I could feel it, the sensation of one’s whole body trembling in an anticipation of something that it knew it should not have; an immoral and somewhat null eagerness. I clenched my hands, resisting the ecstatic urge ordering me to return to the city. It grew inside me, consuming my rationality and logic. But then it was gone. The quiet, peaceful wildlife came alive again, it was no longer afraid. As for the urge – it receded deep into my subconscious, lingering patiently although gone. I rejoiced, smiling at my fruitless victory. I had resisted it this time, but I knew it would return, stronger than before, forcing me yet again. I was delighted nonetheless, ignoring the truth that stared me in my face.

How long had it been?

I had lost count of what was called time. Was it even functional, now that I lived a immortal existence? Or did it tick on, slower than before and almost unperceivable, towards the end of days? I did not know and I did not care. Time was trivial when compared with what I pondered upon now. It did not matter. According to time, my existence started seventeen years ago, when I was brought into this gloomy world, yet according to my memory I had existed only for a few years, two to be exact. I smiled again as my mind wondered through the halls of memories and reminisced something good for a change. I remembered being found by my family, almost frozen in the cold snow. Being the kind aristocrats that they were, my parents adopted me without second thought, allowing me to swim freely in the pleasures of being a noble. I loved my family as much as they loved me. I even had a brother to depend on and annoy. He too had been adopted by my parents a few years before my arrival. My life had been fun… and lively… until that day…

I jumped down from the tree and landed lightly on the hard ground, succeeding expertly in keeping my balance. I was not accustomed to being a Vampire and yet my body felt as if I had been a Vampire all my life. I did not need to consider the circumstances that followed a daredevil move, for my subconscious automatically piloted my body which then adapted to the situation, receiving the least damage possible. I closed my eyes and sighed. I was perturbed by my acute senses. I could hear sounds that no human could hear, my eyes served me well even at night when all light failed and I could smell the sweet odor of blood as it was carried by the wind directly towards me.

I pulled up my right collar as it slowly slipped, revealing my bare shoulder. I was not used to wearing peasant attire, but I would not have minded doing so when the circumstances called for it. But even my indifference towards peasant attire could not have prepared me for the torments I was forced to face by wearing the clothes of a village man. My survival through these trials made me look more manly than ladylike. Both the shirt that hung loosely around my slim body and trouser that kept slipping down my waist had faded in color and showed many signs of hardship and suffering. My once flowing hair, that most men loved and women envied, was now cut short, like a man’s, to avoid complications following my fleeing from home and what skin that was not covered and protected carelessly by my clothes was matted with mud and looked as if I had been playing in a mire.

The urge came back to me again, stranger than before, determined to overpower my control over it. I tried to surpass it nonetheless, but as I had foreseen before, my will was too weak to resist the urge again.

Go to the village now. You need not be ashamed, it won’t be so bad. Maybe you could lure a villager and then…

I willed myself to snap out of the disturbing thought of myself doing what had been done to me to a innocent man. My whole body shook at the effort and I felt as if my insides were working their way out of me. My head began to spin as my eyes closed slowly. I was being forced to sleep and no amount of my willpower would stop the approaching end. I could not move my body as it was trembling with excitement and elation. I tried to scream, a futile and weak reflex, but I could neither open my mouth nor use my own voice that seemed to constrict itself in my throat, refusing to heed my insistent orders. My eyes saw the dark night that remained visible blotched out by a black brush. My sense shut down slowly, almost painfully.

I blacked out.

****

I was instantly alert when I woke up and found myself in a dark alley inside the village. The ground was paved and there was a damp drain to once side of the alley. I blinked a few times before the state of my eyes caught my attention. They were in the same regretful state as they were before. But they were also covered in blood and a little part of the right sleeve was ripped off. I swallowed unknowingly and then abruptly turned sideways to open my mouth and spit some blood that probably did not belong to me. Though I did not dare to search through my memories, I knew someone had died or would share the same fate as I. My body felt much lighter and healthier but I refused to move it, sitting there petrified for a moment watching the blood as it coursed down into the drain. I did not know what I was supposed to do now and how I should feel as a human. What surprised me most though was the inability to achieve the state of despair and disgust that I should have been able to attain. I looked around yet again and my ears almost instantly caught the sound of footsteps approaching my location swiftly. I stood up and felt my recently acquired blood stream through my body, satisfying my body’s intense need for energy.

I was stronger, faster and lighter now. Realizing this, I started to flee from the alley that I had awoken from. The frightening thought of the men catching up and killing me motivated my body to work harder than it would have done in any other situation. The walls of the alley swept pass me as if I were the wind blowing through it. I felt refreshed and energetic, yet the fear of capture did not let me enjoy this sensation. For this I was thankful as well, for I did not want to enjoy such a perverse feeling and embraced the fear instead of the pleasure that boiled inside of me.

“Bloodsuckers!” I heard the men shouting, followed my several curses and lines of vulgar speech.

I kept on my feet effortlessly and felt the bliss I had sensed before sink deeper and deeper into me until I knew I had achieved in ridding myself of it. My joy though was short lived for the shouts of men forced me to concentrate on the scenario beforehand. For a moment something distracted my thoughts though. I could feel the warm liquid that stained my clothes, sticking onto my skin. I liked it; I smiled unintentionally. Realizing my wicked thoughts, I frowned and found myself in front of a large wall obstructing my escape. There seemed to be no escape and so I turned to face the direction I had come from. Before I could resume my escape, I heard the men getting closer, shouting out more curses. They were hunting Vampires.

No, they’re hunting you!

I turned around again and faced the brick wall, touching it to verify its authenticity. It was indeed real.

God help me!

I started crying, I was scared and didn’t know what to do. In the frustration that overwhelmed me, I started banging my fists on the hard brick wall. The sound of the men catching up with me made me turn around again. There they were, about ten men holding pikes offensively and five more aiming at me with bows. All I could do was stand still, trying to think of a means to escape. As I thought, I saw a window to my right, a little high but certainly worth a try. I had nothing to lose as the men were obviously attempting to kill me, so I ran towards it and jumped up, outstretching my arms, trying to catch hold of the ledge of the window but to no avail. Before I succeeded, a man caught my leg and pulled me down. As my hands lost their pleading grasp I felt the terror that grew inside me intensify. I let out a futile scream that sounded more like whimper and collapsed onto the ground. As my mind forced my paralyzed body to fight against the men, one thought dominated over all others in my mind.

I'm going to die now, aren't I?

I closed my eyes.

****

Well.... What do you guys think?

Firestalker wrote:
BloodLust

Prologue

The stars were all that glistened in the sheet of darkness that prevailed above the wildlife surrounding the man. He made his way through the forest, disturbed by his motionless surroundings. Yet he continued onward, searching for not an object but a person, a person that would hold the fate of the world in his hands, the world he resided in and loved. He pulled at his light clothing as a chill fell around him, almost freezing him. Yet he continued, against the pain he felt as the cold ate into his skin, against the fear inside him that increased with every passing second and against what was fated to be. He did not want the warmth that he needed nor did he want to rest his exhausted body. He had to get there, to the crypt, before they came with their swords and their pikes. He could barely see what lay ahead of him as he ran through the dense undergrowth of the forest. The darkness was too thick, shrouding his sight as if fighting against him. But something led him on, tugging at his mind, forcing him to continue his trek through the shrubs that protected the tomb as if they were sentinels surrounding a village.
(The use of the word sentinels makes me think of Wolverine and the X-men.)


And then he fell, onto a large circular stone that bore markings of languages so old and unintelligible that they could not be seen anywhere else on the world; languages that could compel a man to kill, to forsake his family and pursue futile quests that led him to a painful and humiliating death. Still kneeling on the hard marble stone, the man glanced up at the sky, looking, searching for the moon. It did not show. He smiled. The night was ripe for the ceremony to continue. As he crawled towards the centre of the circle, he did not stop to ponder on the implications that would arise following his actions. They were irrelevant at this stage. He brushed away the soil that covered its delicate carvings, searching for depth, possibly a hole that penetrated the impenetrable circle. His hunt ended as his hand reached the precise centre of the stone. The man pushed against something inside the shallow hole, a stone emblem of some sort that he felt under his fingers.


The ground shook as his hand was pulled down into the stone, pulled by a force no man could fight. The stone began to shake, cracking as if something was pushing from under it. The centre was suddenly pushed upwards with such a force that parts of the marble were propelled into the air. The rest shattered into dust as a hand emerged from beneath it.

A creature surfaced from beneath the remains of the marble circle. It looked down at the whimpering man who lay at his feet before lifting him up and looking straight into his eyes. A hideous crack sounded before the man fell down, his neck broken. The creature looked around studying its surroundings, paying not the slightest attention to the corpse that lay motionless at his feet. What light that shined down on this terrible occurrence did not reflect on the creatures eyes when it looked up at the sky. Its inhumanly black eyes seemed to be overflowing with venom and hatred. Its grey body only increased the aura of dread around the creature. It was as if this creature were made using the essence of hate; a personification of horror. It flexed its humanoid body before opening its large mouth, allowing his hundred or so teeth to glisten in the moonlight.

The creature knelt down and opened its colossal mouth, intending on consuming the man’s head entirely, which it did without second thought. The dreadful sound of bone and teeth meeting together echoed throughout the forest, though quickly dying away, faster than it had commenced. The creature roared shortly afterwards, blood still staining its face. It roared again, warning those with intellect of his arrival, of its rebirth into the world again.

This is SUCH a cliche scene. I really feel like this could be totally different, though!



Chapter 1

Part 1

I gazed up into the night sky hoping for something… anything that could untie the shackles in my mind, the same shackles that increased their torment on me with every passing second. I sighed, trying to ignore the sudden chill that started to fall imperceptibly making the night colder than it was, though it was always cold now. The night had been menacingly cold ever since that day…

Do you remember it?

I brushed away the painful thought before it attracted me into its cogitative clasp. I did not want to think of that day again. I sighed again.

What will you do now?

I leaned against the hard bark of the tree whose branch I sat upon. The forest was an ideal hiding place for those who did not want to be seen. Its wild undergrowth and sinister aura frightened many who dared enter its entrails. I yawned, revealing my teeth and a mental image of me entered my blank mind. It was almost amusing - a vampire revealing her sharp canines whilst yawning; a reflex action that could easily be overcome. Yet it did not succeed in quenching my depressive mentality, what was expected of the comical thought did not bring the slightest amusement to me.
It was then that it hit me. My thirst for blood was increasing yet again. I clenched my hands, resisting the ecstatic urge ordering me to return to the city. It grew inside me, consuming my rationality and logic. But I succeeded in my futile quest to vanquish it from my thoughts. It receded deep into my subconscious, lingering patiently although gone. I rejoiced, smiling at my fruitless victory. I had resisted the urge this time, but I knew it would return, stronger than before, forcing me yet again. I was delight nonetheless, ignoring the truth that stared me in my face.

THis is so telly! Show the reader. describe more

How long had it been?

I had lost count of what was called time. Was it even functional, now that I lived a immortal existence? Or did it tick on, slower than before and almost unperceivable, towards the end of days? I did not know and I did not care. Time was trivial when compared with what I pondered upon now. It did not matter. According to time, my existence started seventeen years ago, when I was brought into this gloomy world, yet according to my memory I had existed only for a few years, two to be exact. I smiled again as my mind wondered through the halls of memories and reminisced something good for a change. I remembered being found by my family, almost frozen in the cold snow. Being the kind aristocrats that they were, my parents adopted me without second thought, allowing me to swim freely in the pleasures of being a noble. I loved my family as much as they loved me. I even had a brother to depend on and annoy. He too had been adopted by my parents a few years before my arrival. My life had been fun… and lively… until that day…

I jumped down from the tree and landed lightly on the hard ground, succeeding expertly in keeping my balance. I was not accustomed to being a Vampire and yet my body felt as if I had been a Vampire all my life. I did not need to consider the circumstances that followed a daredevil move, for my subconscious automatically piloted my body which then adapted to the situation, receiving the least damage possible. I closed my eyes and sighed. I was perturbed by my acute senses. I could hear sounds that no human could hear, my eyes served me well even at night when all light failed and I could smell the sweet odor of blood as it was carried by the wind directly towards me.
You don't need to caps Vampire everytime.

I pulled up my right collar as it slowly slipped, revealing my bare shoulder. I was not used to wearing peasant attire, but I would not have minded doing so when the circumstances called for it. But even my indifference towards peasant attire could not have prepared me for the torments I was forced to face by wearing the clothes of a village man. My survival through these trials made me look more manly than ladylike. Both the shirt that hung loosely around my slim body and trouser that kept slipping down my waist had faded in color and showed many signs of hardship and suffering. My once flowing hair, that most men loved and women envied, was now cut short, like a man’s, to avoid complications following my fleeing from home and what skin that was not covered and protected carelessly by my clothes was matted with mud and looked as if I had been playing in a mire.

The urge came back to me again, stranger than before, determined to overpower my control over it. I tried to surpass it nonetheless, but as I had foreseen before, my will was too weak to resist the urge again.

Go to the village now. You need not be ashamed, it won’t be so bad. Maybe you could lure a villager and then…

I willed myself to snap out of the disturbing thought of myself doing what had been done to me to a innocent man. My whole body shook at the effort and I felt as if my insides were working their way out of me. My head began to spin as my eyes closed slowly. I was being forced to sleep and no amount of my willpower would stop the approaching end. I could not move my body as it was trembling with excitement and elation. I tried to scream, a futile and weak reflex, but I could neither open my mouth nor use my own voice that seemed to constrict itself in my throat, refusing to heed my insistent orders. My eyes saw the dark night that remained visible blotched out by a black brush. My sense shut down slowly, almost painfully.

I blacked out.

****

I was instantly alert when I woke up and found myself in a dark alley inside the village. The ground was paved and there was a damp drain to once side of the alley. I blinked a few times before the state of my eyes caught my attention. They were in the same regretful state as they were before. But they were also covered in blood and a little part of the right sleeve was ripped off. I swallowed unknowingly and then abruptly turned sideways to open my mouth and spit some blood that probably did not belong to me. Though I did not dare to search through my memories, I knew someone had died or would share the same fate as I. My body felt much lighter and healthier but I refused to move it, sitting there petrified for a moment watching the blood as it coursed down into the drain. I did not know what I was supposed to do now and how I should feel as a human. What surprised me most though was the inability to achieve the state of despair and disgust that I should have been able to attain. I looked around yet again and my ears almost instantly caught the sound of footsteps approaching my location swiftly. I stood up and felt my recently acquired blood stream through my body, satisfying my body’s intense need for energy.

I was stronger, faster and lighter now. Realizing this, I started to flee from the alley that I had awoken from. The frightening thought of the men catching up and killing me motivated my body to work harder than it would have done in any other situation. The walls of the alley swept pass me as if I were the wind blowing through it. I felt refreshed and energetic, yet the fear of capture did not let me enjoy this sensation. For this I was thankful as well, for I did not want to enjoy such a perverse feeling and embraced the fear instead of the pleasure that boiled inside of me.

“Bloodsuckers!” I heard the men shouting, followed my several curses and lines of vulgar speech.

I kept on my feet effortlessly and felt the bliss I had sensed before sink deeper and deeper into me until I knew I had achieved in ridding myself of it. My joy though was short lived for the shouts of men forced me to concentrate on the scenario beforehand. For a moment something distracted my thoughts though. I could feel the warm liquid that stained my clothes, sticking onto my skin. I liked it; I smiled unintentionally. Realizing my wicked thoughts, I frowned and found myself in front of a large wall obstructing my escape. There seemed to be no escape and so I turned to face the direction I had come from. Before I could resume my escape, I heard the men getting closer, shouting out more curses. They were hunting Vampires.

No, they’re hunting you!

I turned around again and faced the brick wall, touching it to verify its authenticity. It was indeed genuine.

God help me!

I started crying, I was scared and didn’t know what to do. In the frustration that overwhelmed me, I started banging my fists on the hard brick wall. The sound of the men catching up with me made me turn around again. There they were, about ten men holding pikes offensively and five more aiming at me with bows. All I could do was stand still, trying to think of a means to escape. As I thought, I saw a window to my right, a little high but certainly worth a try. I had nothing to lose as the men were obviously attempting to kill me, so I ran towards it and jumped up, outstretching my arms, trying to catch hold of the ledge of the window but to no avail. Before I succeeded, a man caught my leg and pulled me down. As my hands lost their pleading grasp I felt the terror that grew inside me intensify. I let out a futile scream that sounded more like whimper and collapsed onto the ground. As my mind forced my paralyzed body to fight against the men, one thought dominated over all others in my mind.

I'm going to die now, aren't I?

I closed my eyes.

YES!
I am so happy you said no to be nice!
I'll still be nice, but yeah!
All my general comments are in blue. Anything else is in purple.

Alright-
So I actually really enjoyed this. It's different then the normal (Twilight) vampire thing. I'me xcited to see where this goes
~Kit

Hey Kit, Thanks for the critique, I really appreciate it *grins*.

KitxKat wrote:(The use of the word sentinels makes me think of Wolverine and the X-men.)

Wolverine and X-men huh? Hmmm, I wonder why? Haha

KitxKat wrote:This is SUCH a cliche scene. I really feel like this could be totally different, though!

Yeah, I know, it certainly is clichéd. I seriously think that it needs to be edited but right now, since I'm in the middle of the third chapter I have no time to get into the prologue again. I was thinking of rewriting the whole last paragraph. Maybe something more original, mysteriously original that hints at something that happens more into the book? I'm not sure yet.

KitxKat wrote:THis is so telly! Show the reader. describe more

This, I don't get. Ummm.... whats 'telly' exactly, hehe? Does it mean like a television program or something completely different in which case i'm making a complete idiot of myself?

KitxKat wrote:You don't need to caps Vampire everytime.

Haha, yeah, your right, i don't, But see, in Word I've tweaked the auto-correct setting to convert vampire into Vampire, and for some reason I just can't seem to get over the lethargy of trying to tweak it to tweaking it back again. And yes, that sentence didn't make any sense at all,

KitxKat wrote:I am so happy you said no to be nice!
I'll still be nice, but yeah!

Haha, yeah, I don't like to get... soft reviews cause as they say - the [insert word opposite to nice that I can't seem to remember] the critique the better the improvement.

So, Thanks for the review again, I hope you stay tuned for the next installment of... [plays thrilling music that goes something like -duh duh duhhhhhh]... BloodLust

-Fire-

Prologue

The stars were all that glistened in the sheet of darkness that prevailed above the wildlife surrounding the man. He made his way through the forest, disturbed by his motionless surroundings. Yet he continued onward, searching for not an object but a person,I dont get why you feel the need to tell the reader that its not an animal, let our minds roam, dont just tell us. a person that would hold the fate of the world in his hands, the world he resided in and loved. He pulled at his light clothing as a chill fell around himAwkward bit, 'Chill fell', rephrase?, almost freezing him. Yet he continued, against the pain he felt as the cold ate into his skin, against the fear inside him that increased with every passing second and against what was fated to be. He did not want the warmth that he needed nor did he want to rest his exhausted body. He had to get there, to the crypt, before they came with their swords and their pikes. He could barely see what lay ahead of him as he ran through the dense undergrowth of the forest. The darkness was too thick, shrouding his sight as if fighting against him. But something led him on, tugging at his mind, forcing him to continue his trek through the shrubs that protected the tomb as if they were sentinels surrounding a village.

And then he fell, onto a large circular stone that bore markings of languages so old and unintelligible that they could not be seen anywhere else on the world; languages that could compel a man to kill, to forsake his family and pursue futile quests that led him to a painful and humiliating death. O_o I want to learn that language lolStill kneeling on the hard marble stone, the man glanced up at the sky, looking, searching for the moon. It did not show. He smiled. The night was ripe for the ceremony to continue. As he crawled towards the centre of the circle, he did not stop to ponder on the implications that would arise following his actions. They were irrelevant at this stage. He brushed away the soil that covered its delicate carvings, searching for depth, possibly a hole that penetrated the impenetrable circle. His hunt ended as his hand reached the precise centre of the stone. The man pushed against something inside the shallow hole, a stone emblem of some sort that he felt under his fingers.

The ground shook as his hand was pulled down into the stone, pulled by a force no man could fight. The stone began to shake, cracking as if something was pushing from under it. The centre was suddenly pushed upwards with such a force that parts of the marble were propelled into the air. The rest shattered into dust as a hand emerged from beneath it.

A creature surfaced from beneath the remains of the marble circle. It looked down at the whimpering man who lay at his feet before lifting him up and looking straight into his eyes. A hideous crack sounded crack sounded?I'm not really feeling that bit at all, maybe 'A hideous crack resounded' or something to that effect.[color=#FF0000] before the man fell down, his neck broken. [color=#FF0000]I got the fact that his neck was broken, I think the reader would get what had happened. Or maybe thats just me.The creature looked around studying its surroundings, paying not the slightest attention to the corpse that lay motionless at his feet. What light that shined down on this terrible occurrence did not reflect on the creatures eyes when it looked up at the sky.Cut this sentence, its completely irrelevant, I think. Its inhumanly black eyes seemed to be overflowing with venom and hatred. Its grey body only increased the aura of dread around the creature. It was as if this creature were made using the essence of hate; a personification of horror. It flexed its humanoidI had to do a double-take, and even then I didn't get it. It's a creature, how is it humanoid? body before opening its large mouth, allowing his hundred or so teeth to glisten in the moonlight.I feel like I've read the words glisten a lot in this, use other words. Reflected in the moonlight.

The creature knelt down and opened its colossal mouth, intending on consuming the man’s head entirely, which it did without second thought. The dreadful sound of bone and teeth meeting together echoed throughout the forest, though quickly dying away, faster than it had commenced. The creature roared shortly afterwards, blood still staining its face. It roared again, warning those with intellect of his arrival, of its rebirth into the world again.

I'll stop here to give a sum up of what I thought about this prologue. Firstly, I thought it was a bit too much, and that you tried too hard with it. I liked bits, I feel as though in most of it, nothing was really happening. I think it could be a bit shorter and reading it in italics hurt my eyes. Secondly, I have no idea where your story is going, at first its a creature and when I think creature I think some botched up lab experiment. Then you turned around and said it had humanoid features which really confused me. The end was interesting though, I liked it. And thats about it.

I didn't read the first chapter because I felt as though I wouldn't be able to give the review I feel like this story deserves.

Anger

Firestalker wrote:Hey Kit, Thanks for the critique, I really appreciate it *grins*.

KitxKat wrote:(The use of the word sentinels makes me think of Wolverine and the X-men.)

Wolverine and X-men huh? Hmmm, I wonder why? Haha

KitxKat wrote:This is SUCH a cliche scene. I really feel like this could be totally different, though!

Yeah, I know, it certainly is clichéd. I seriously think that it needs to be edited but right now, since I'm in the middle of the third chapter I have no time to get into the prologue again. I was thinking of rewriting the whole last paragraph. Maybe something more original, mysteriously original that hints at something that happens more into the book? I'm not sure yet.

KitxKat wrote:THis is so telly! Show the reader. describe more

This, I don't get. Ummm.... whats 'telly' exactly, hehe? Does it mean like a television program or something completely different in which case i'm making a complete idiot of myself?

KitxKat wrote:You don't need to caps Vampire everytime.

Haha, yeah, your right, i don't, But see, in Word I've tweaked the auto-correct setting to convert vampire into Vampire, and for some reason I just can't seem to get over the lethargy of trying to tweak it to tweaking it back again. And yes, that sentence didn't make any sense at all,

KitxKat wrote:I am so happy you said no to be nice!
I'll still be nice, but yeah!

Haha, yeah, I don't like to get... soft reviews cause as they say - the [insert word opposite to nice that I can't seem to remember] the critique the better the improvement.

So, Thanks for the review again, I hope you stay tuned for the next installment of... [plays thrilling music that goes something like -duh duh duhhhhhh]... BloodLust

-Fire-

In answer to your questions
!. Wolverine and the X-men (kids TV show) Fight sentinels! So whenever I hear that word, I automatically think something about the X-men.
2. It's an ages old battle. Showing vs Telling. Telling is where you just get straight facts down one by one, which isn't fun for a reader.

I will totally stay tuned!
~Kit

Hey Fire! 'Tis Rach. I hope I can pay you back some in terms of helpfulness. Also, you said not to go soft. Which makes virtually no change on the actual things I say in the review, although it may affect how bluntly I say things. And now, onward!

I think I like this story. But, the problem's that it's kind of drowning in a lot of unnecessary wordage. This might just be my personal preference to style speaking, but the way you wrote this is fairly stuffy, and dry. All those thick words are sucking the blood right out of the piece. Doesn't have to be that way, though. Far from it. Especially not when you've got action and drama from the first post like this.

I think what you have is a case of Trying-to-Hard-itis. You're not out to impress anyone with how you can use a thesaurus, and what you want is a combination of words packed with meaning and images, not a combination of words packed with letters. So, maybe go through and cut out some of the adverbs, the adjectives. Instead of saying "touching it to verify its authenticity," you can just say "touching it to make sure it was real." Or, if that doesn't fit the tone you were going for, "touching it to make sure it was actually there."

Fancifying doesn't get you anywhere with the readers, most of the time. Just write most like you'd talk if you were telling this story to a friend. Unless your narrator really is this stuffy and uptight. Which does raise a problem, since this is first person, and set back in history or on a fantasy world, and your character mentioned being from an aristocratic family. But, I think you can accomplish giving the reader that sense in other ways.

One way to end up with the best of both, the tone/time effect and the clarity for the reader, would be to focus on the sentence structure. Use shorter, clipped sentences for intense scenes, longer sentences for slower moments. Think of the length and style like the background music to it all.

Also, no matter what, get rid of the nominalizations (verbs made into noun, like "frustration" from "frustrate"). Nominalizations are the clunkiest of clunkers. They make the reader backtrack, and they're dull, lifeless things. Rely on verbs. Verbs, after all, are pretty much the most important word in the sentence. The livelier and more descriptive the verb, the better.

So, in sum, here's what I think you ought to do/try out:

1. Take out adverbs
2. Turn nominalizations into verbs
3. Finagle sentence structure so that it's doing you more favors than just grammatical ones
4. Look at your verbs, and choose the one that conveys what you want to convey
5. For that matter, choose all your words so that they convey what you want to convey.

I don't want to leave this critique on such a boring, grammar-freak note, so I won't. Instead, I'm going to go into territory where I thought I wouldn't go into here on YWS, because even though you said you didn't want any soft reviews, there's no way I'm going to turn you loose to rewrite, again, with a bunch of boring instructions like that.

So, in a way, scrap all of what I said for most of this critique, and go back to the part about not trying too hard. Write more like you speak--or, in this case, more like how your narrator speaks. Take a deep breath, and let go of your inner critic. In the words of my favorite inspirational writer, Brenda Ueland, "Everyone is smart, talented, original, and has something important to say." That includes you, so go ahead and say it. You love to write, so let that love show. And, most importantly, keep writing.

...forgive me if that seems like it came out of nowhere. It's now officially very much past my usual sleep time, but I wanted to post this first. I'm fairly certain it makes no sense, but oh well.

Rach

Wow, three reviews since I last visited this page. Thanks guys! All of you!

AngerManagement -

O_o I want to learn that language lol

lol indeed, hehe. Although I don't see why its that good, if it is indeed what you intended to mean.

I had to do a double-take, and even then I didn't get it. It's a creature, how is it humanoid?

Okay, your not the first person to ask me this question (although on YWS, being the second person to actually critique it, you are, hehe). Let me explain.

These are definitions I too from Wikipedia -

A creature is an organism. The term is derived from the widespread historical belief that all such things were created, as by a deity or deities. The word is generally used to refer to non-human animals but does include humans.

A humanoid (from English human and -oid "resembling") is something that has an appearance resembling a human being.

Therefore the creature could look human although it isnt human. for example the Vampire like creatures in I am Legend are humanoid but still creatures. So is this... thing.

Secondly, I have no idea where your story is going, at first its a creature and when I think creature I think some botched up lab experiment. Then you turned around and said it had humanoid features which really confused me. The end was interesting though, I liked it. And thats about it.

Well, I did say that it was stuck under a crypt like stone slab right? Didn't that even imply the fact that it was a very very old creature? Maybe even before humans evolved? And now i seem to be saying too much. Well, lets just say that the era where the prologue took place is relatively the same year as when Chapter one takes place.

I didn't read the first chapter because I felt as though I wouldn't be able to give the review I feel like this story deserves.

Awww, I'm sure your review would be great! But, hehe, i must be content with what i get, so Thanks!!

I hope I removed all doubts and questions in your mind, if not, just PM so i can explain more deeply.

KitxKat

KitxKat wrote:In answer to your questions
!. Wolverine and the X-men (kids TV show) Fight sentinels! So whenever I hear that word, I automatically think something about the X-men.
2. It's an ages old battle. Showing vs Telling. Telling is where you just get straight facts down one by one, which isn't fun for a reader.

I will totally stay tuned!
~Kit

1. Oh yeah, I used to watch that. It was a really good series (as far as i could think back then) but it ended in a terribly cliffhanger-like way huh?

Spoiler

With Professor X being sick and sent to the other planet etc etc...

2. Hmm, I've actually only briefly heard about that battle before. Could you maybe, possible, hopefully, umm... explain it to me more?

Haha, I hope you will.

RachaelElg

I think what you have is a case of Trying-to-Hard-itis. You're not out to impress anyone with how you can use a thesaurus, and what you want is a combination of words packed with meaning and images, not a combination of words packed with letters. So, maybe go through and cut out some of the adverbs, the adjectives. Instead of saying "touching it to verify its authenticity," you can just say "touching it to make sure it was real." Or, if that doesn't fit the tone you were going for, "touching it to make sure it was actually there."

:Sigh: I feel as if I'm in a very very tight spot right now. Okay, let me try to explain.

There is a perfectly good reason for me to use such 'big words' (hehe) in this POV. There is, trust me. I just can't say anything about it without giving away my plot .
Let me just hint that this is in first person (as you've already pointed out), thus everything I write is almost exactly how the character feels and also that everything is not as it seems. I hope, and i honestly do, that you can use you (extremely) vivid emaigiation and guess why, otherwise, i cannot tell you, sorry, hehe.

Also, no matter what, get rid of the nominalizations (verbs made into noun, like "frustration" from "frustrate"). Nominalizations are the clunkiest of clunkers. They make the reader backtrack, and they're dull, lifeless things. Rely on verbs. Verbs, after all, are pretty much the most important word in the sentence. The livelier and more descriptive the verb, the better.

Wow, thats the first time in my life that I've ever even heard of the word nominalization, yikes I'm dumb o.O
Come to think of it I've never heard of the word finagle before either....

And yes, I will edit this using your five point of do's and don't as well. But first, like i said to Kit, I need to finish my third chapter.

I don't want to leave this critique on such a boring, grammar-freak note, so I won't. Instead, I'm going to go into territory where I thought I wouldn't go into here on YWS, because even though you said you didn't want any soft reviews, there's no way I'm going to turn you loose to rewrite, again, with a bunch of boring instructions like that.

Awww, for me!? Thanks so much!


Thank a lot guys, I really appreciate you looking into my work. I admit its not that good (personally) but it is okay, right? so again to all of you thanks!! Hope you'll be back for the rest of the story, till then [insert words that are supposed to go here, but which have incidentally been forgotten by me] o.O

-Fire-

There is a perfectly good reason for me to use such 'big words' (hehe) in this POV. There is, trust me. I just can't say anything about it without giving away my plot .
Let me just hint that this is in first person (as you've already pointed out), thus everything I write is almost exactly how the character feels and also that everything is not as it seems. I hope, and i honestly do, that you can use you (extremely) vivid emaigiation and guess why, otherwise, i cannot tell you, sorry, hehe.

But maybe you could still have the best of both? Something that zips along (smaller, shorter paragraphs, more dialogue, more thoughts [those were awesome, by the way]) and still gives the reader that sense? Just an idea.

I'll trust you for now (aka, post more), but if it doesn't work out in the end... I'll sick Ribbit (my avatar) on you. He's... more vicious than he looks. Really, he is.

Whew, this makes me want to go back to my days of reading hardcore fantasy. With your style of prologue and then dark, strange character POV, as well as the dated prose, that seems to be the direction you're leaning towards.

I do like the story. There's something very intriguing and potentially dynamic about your main character. Vampires are such a worn subject nowadays that even seeing the word makes me tense up, but this is the direction that we want to see revisited. Darkness, intensity, with an original setting that can carry them. Besides, when it comes to fantasy I've always thought that we can get away with anything, so long as it's interesting.

I also like the opening reveal about the character being a vampire by yawning. Cool and original.

My major hangup with this piece is the density of it. The word choice doesn't particularly bother me-- if that's the way the character thinks, then stick with it. It's the things she's describing that aren't ringing true to me. I like some of her idiosyncrasies (particularly talking about time as if it's a concept she can't relate to-- that's fascinating) but she spends a lot of time dwelling on the past, letting the reader know all about who she is and what she's like when we aren't invested in her story yet and thus don't want to know her motivations. The same goes for physical description, and even some of the talk about her vampire traits (how she walks and lands and such.) Particularly because this is a novel first chapter, the reader is on the lookout for some meat to the story. Where she's going, as opposed to how.

I was happy when the story picked up towards the second half of the chapter, definitely. Maybe there's a way to instill some of that tension into the beginning?

Feel free to ask any questions, and thanks for the read!

Thanks DissolvedIntoCoffee!

I also like the opening reveal about the character being a vampire by yawning. Cool and original.

I'm glad you liked it. Originally I wasn't intending on doing so, but it just... came to be, i guess, hehe.

but she spends a lot of time dwelling on the past, letting the reader know all about who she is and what she's like when we aren't invested in her story yet and thus don't want to know her motivations.

Ah, I see. Well, I certainly have some work to do when editing this again, i guess. Thanks for pointing it out for me.

The same goes for physical description, and even some of the talk about her vampire traits (how she walks and lands and such.) Particularly because this is a novel first chapter, the reader is on the lookout for some meat to the story. Where she's going, as opposed to how.

Hehe, I guess I have some major improving to do. This isn't the whole of the first chapter, but from memory alone, I''m guessing that I haven't actually added some meat to the story until later on.

I was happy when the story picked up towards the second half of the chapter, definitely. Maybe there's a way to instill some of that tension into the beginning?

Comparatively, this is still the beginning of the first chapter, hehe.

And thank you for the critique. I appreciate it a lot.

Rachael

But maybe you could still have the best of both? Something that zips along (smaller, shorter paragraphs, more dialogue, more thoughts [those were awesome, by the way]) and still gives the reader that sense? Just an idea.

What you say is indeed true. I honestly should get editing and I certainly will. I can assure you that dialog increases as the story progresses, but my main aim in the first chapter was to give the reader a idea of her mentality so they would find it easier to understand the rest of the story, if you get what I mean.

I'll trust you for now (aka, post more), but if it doesn't work out in the end... I'll sick Ribbit (my avatar) on you. He's... more vicious than he looks. Really, he is.

Well, I'll be depending on you and Ribbit to sick me if it doesn't work out so be on the lookout for any chances to do so, hehe.

Thanks again Guys!

-Fire-

Oh yeah, by the way, Part 2 is out - Here