What Happens As You Watch A Man Die?

If you were to look into a dying man's eyes, would you see a truth?  Would you ask yourself, "Why am I here? What's the significance?"  Today I'm looking into his eyes, those two round spheres, so mysterious.  Some call them the window to the soul, but really, we have to ask ourselves, "Whose soul?"  When you look into a dying man's eyes, all you really see is yourself.  When I look into his, I feel a twinge of remorse.  On the fringes of reality, him and I lock stares, my dominant youthful gaze leering into his weak and pathetic eyes.
    Earlier this hour I tortured the man.  I made him savor the enduring pain which filled his every cell with dread and disdain.  I slowly sliced apart his shell, his protection.  Revealing his inner workings, exposing his soft inside which signaled the unwanted exposure with a river of red.  Any sane man would stop, but to me any insane man would stop.  I came to him today to see him die.  I watched him as he longed to grasp any fraction of vitality he could. People seem to realize their appreciation for life shortly before they lose it.  I won't be one of those people.
     Intently, I watch as his retinas shift, listen as his breaths grow shallower, farther apart, like a watch slowly losing its seamless flow through time.  His lips move, as if he were to say something.  His breaths are too shallow, he cannot utter the syllables he wants to.  Slowly I watch as he quietly exhales one last reserve of precious air, and his eyes close.  Those eyes of which provide such a gaze into the death of a man, slowly shutting the window to his soul and mine.  I sit there for hours next to that dead body.  As I lay in bed tonight, I become haunted by those unspoken words.  What could they be?

That was very strong, although short.
You make up for the length by jam packing so many thoughts and emotions into those few paragraphs.
Keep writing
~Kit

You were able to pack a lot of emotion into a relatively short piece. This is a very solid piece of writing. I really like where you say in the beginning that "when you look into a dying man's eyes, all you really see is yourself." It seems like you were exploring the topic a little bit with this piece, but that gives it a thoughtful tone. Nice work!
-Lauryn

Powerfully written.. altogether an interesting piece, especially towards the beginning. Nice write.

Oh wow. At first it sounded like it was a by-stander. Then the progression into being a murderous bastard. You told a long story in three paragraphs. An introduction, a bit of action and a twist, and then you shut it off. That was wonderful and I wished it was longer.

Good writing, but all together too short. It's like I got hit by a freight train made of chocolate. yes, it was enjoyable, being smothered in a fountain of gooey wonderfulness, but afterwords, as the train hastily left like trains do, i felt slightly abandoned and pretty much disappointed that the chocolate didn't stay for a little longer. the reason i wrote you this horrible simile is to illustrate the problem that i have with this chocolate train piece of writing.
a) too short, not that shortness is bad, but the length made the flow of thought seem rather leapy (even though leapy is not a word). regardless, let's not forget that leapy is bad... even if we want to write something short and potent.
b) i want more development. i see plainly that you have the potential to do great things, but the train of goodness flew by so fast that i got nothing substantial at all to sink my claws into. if i read this in a newspaper or literary magazine, i would probably think "what the hell?! oh well, move on." it's like getting slapped in the face.
anyways, there's my pessimistic and harsh review for the night. keep writing.

If you were to look into a dying man's eyes, would you see a truth? Would you ask yourself, "Why am I here? What's the significance?" Today I'm looking into his eyes, those two round spheres, so mysterious. Some call them the window to the soul, but really, we have to ask ourselves, "Whose soul?" When you look into a dying man's eyes, all you really see is yourself. When I look into his, I feel a twinge of remorse. On the fringes of reality, him and I lock stares, my dominant youthful gaze leering into his weak and pathetic eyes.

First paragraph, and I'm already a teency bit bored. Luckily there are only three, so there's little risk of someone giving up halfway through, but you could still make this much more engaging.

1: Too many synonyms for "eyes."
2: Very redundant--you're basically saying the same thing over and over again. I know you're an excellent writer; use that and make this more unique. You might also consider adding a bit of description of the man's face, but that's up to you.


Second paragraph: Excellent twist, I wasn't really expecting that. At the same time, it could be a lot more creepy/sudden.

Suggestions:

1: A bit more showing.
2: Character development--how does this guy really feel? He could be excited, a little shocked, scared/remorseful, or anything. But you should know and it should be consistent.
3: I feel like there are quite a few questions left unasked. Where are they? Is there blood everywhere? A part of me likes how detached it is, but I feel like there could be a much stronger sense of horror at what he just did.

Also, this sentence:

Any sane man would stop, but to me any insane man would stop. I came to him today to see him die.

The second one is great. The first one, not so much. Too confusing, and it doesn't really help the story. I'd delete the second half.

I watched him as he longed to grasp any fraction of vitality he could.

Huh? That doesn't make any sense either. With a piece this short you really really need to make every word count. Confusion will not help you.

I sit there for hours next to that dead body. As I lay in bed tonight, I become haunted by those unspoken words. What could they be?

Up to this point, the shortness of this piece has helped you, but this is waaayyy too abrupt a shift. First you're in the moment, and all of a sudden we're talking about what this guy's doing at night? I like the idea of him being haunted by those last words, but this needs quite a bit more development. For example, I'd dwell a bit longer on him trying to speak, and maybe make a new paragraph for his future.

Also, I'm pretty sure that when someone dies, their eyes open, not close. ;D

That's about all I can think of right now. Hope this helped a bit--I really like your idea and I think with a bit of polishing this could be a very disturbing/fascinating piece.

Oh, one last thing: It seems to me that this might fit better in the general fiction short story section instead of "other" since it is (I hope) fiction. Let someone green know if you'd like it to be moved.

PM me if you have questions/comments/etc.!

Keep writing,

Lupis

When I clicked on this, I was expecting something completely different than what I got as I read. Honestly, I loved it. The way you described the slow death of this man made me feel haunted. I am a very weak stomached person and your story caught me like a deer in the headlights: Couldn't tear my eyes away from the screen as I read, although I knew what was coming. This was very creepy and I loved the morbid edge to it. Very nice with the ending. I too will wonder what his last words were.

Very dark and yet unique! It shows a lot of emotion and pain...

I think that if you were to make this much longer, than you could have a great chance to put together a brilliant story. Perhaps a backstory, a method to the madness, if you will. I think that you have a good chance to put together a great thing here, and you should jump on it.

You show a lot of talent, and I hope you can put more of that to paper, and improve greatly. Good luck to you.