The Wild Ones Ch.1 & 2

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This is something that begged me to be written (even though I had other things that needed to be finished first), but it hasn't been finished yet. I liked the idea of a girl fighting for survival in a world where humans had become the endangered species. But, that part comes later. Enjoy! (OH and nitpick away!)



Chapter 1

The darkness of the night was split only by the pale light of the moon hidden in the cloud bank. There would be a storm later, but at that moment, the evening air was calm and silent as the day creatures slept in their hidden beds and airy lofts to wait for the bright light of day.

This time was ruled by the night creatures. The kinds that stalk and skulk and howl at the moon with its round pale face. Such creatures were what made the dark scary for its danger, and out of the hidden gloom, fiery eyes glistened with greed and hunger.

The night beckoned to its hunters. It enticed them with its velvety inkiness, and camouflaged them with its secret folds.
The rustle of leaves and crunch of twigs indicated the prey. The hunters were silent, skilled, and deadly.

Nothing saw them, until too late. Safety does not come easily in the Wild. Unless it accepts you as a Wild One. But even then, the hunt is on.




Chapter 2

A sun-dappled deer grazed peacefully in a small meadow in the foothills of the mountains. Those jagged peaks with white caps once had a Human name, but it was long lost to the inhabitants of the land.

The deer—a young buck with tiny spikes for horns—moved leisurely through the rich summer grass. It was unaware that it was being watched by a pair of dark eyes from the trees sheltering the meadow on one side.

The eyes did not blink in their intensity. Not a movement of the deer was missed, and slowly, almost unnoticeably, the eyes moved closer to where the young buck was grazing.

The buck looked up for a second, its brown eyes too trusting in its own youthful invincibility and aloneness, before it bent its head back down to snatch away at the tall sea of grass. The returning snick-snack of teeth on grass blades a comfort to the deer, it meant it was alive.

The eyes had frozen as the deer had glanced its way, but moved again as it appeared they hadn’t been spotted.

Foot by foot, the eyes edged closer and closer until only a wide tree and ten feet of waving grass stood between the eyes and the deer.

The shadows of the forest evergreens ate up the form belonging to the eyes. Whatever stalked the deer was invisible.

Suddenly, the eyes seemed to glow bright gold and then in a flash, a blurry brown figure bolted from its hiding spot under the tree and towards the deer as it grazed.

The buck only had time to raise its head in surprise, before the form was upon it and slashing its throat with deadly force. The buck fell to the ground with the brown figure standing half-crouched over its dying form, almost protectively. The guardian angel of death.

The silence of the meadow continued unbroken by the violence. If anything, it seemed as if nature approved and was silently commending the hunter for its conquest. Survival of the fittest was more than a mere suggestion in the Wild.

Breaking the silence, a calm female voice whispered, “A clean kill. The deer will feed me as the earth has fed it.”

The voice came from the brown figure that had killed the buck. She stood up to glance around the clearing, and her dark golden eyes took in the area with a practiced skill. Her eyes told her that she was alone, but still, all day it had felt like something—or someone—had been following her.

The feeling was not comfortable, because to survive in the Wild, it was best to remain unseen. So far, she had managed to survive for ten winters, ever since the time of Great Loss. She did not like to think about that time.

Instead, she focused on each day, each kill, and each moon until the next came. Living in the Wild was dangerous, but she knew these woods and hills like she knew the paths of her mind. Here, she was the one to be feared. The great hunter. She was the Queen of these paths.

She was known in the times before as Amberose, and still sometimes she considered that name and what it had meant. There was no one to call her that anymore.

Amberose shrugged off the feeling of unease and turned instead to the buck lying at her feet. Its life was gone and its brown eyes were glazed in the presence of death. She bent down and made quick work of the carcass.

Her knife moved delicately and swiftly to dissemble the flesh with skilled strokes. It was soon just a bloody pile of entrails that she would leave for the lesser predators that prowled the night, and she wrapped the remainder of the meat in the skin of the buck. Even the long bones she would take and find use for. The meat she would keep and take to her den to cook and cure for storage.

It may have been the beginning of summer, but winter came quickly in the foothills of the mountains that she called the Appalachias because of some memory from her past life. The name tickled at the tendrils of memory in the recesses of her mind.

With the burden of the meat on her shoulder, Amberose began the journey back to her den. It was not too far, but with the extra weight, it would take her about an hour to arrive there, and she wanted to get back in time to set the watch fire and begin cooking.

Being caught out in the open at night was not smart—even for someone as strong and dangerous as she. She was not the only one who hunted these hills. There were other Wild Ones, and they were not above thievery. She had to protect what little she had accumulated for the winter months.

She left the meadow behind her, and set off in the direction of the nearest mountain. Her den was beckoning her, and she ignored the inkling of being followed in her haste to be back in her haven.

It was because of her distraction that she missed the pair of eyes following her. The hunter had become the hunted.
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux




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Hey! I saw that you needed reviews here so I came over right away to help you out! Let's begin.

First of all, I really like your first chapter. It draws the reader in really well, and you put tons of amazing imagery into it. However, it does seem a bit short to be an actual chapter in your story. Maybe make it your prologue instead.

Plot

Your idea is apparent through this chapter, and you seem to have set a pretty good pace. I really like your idea in this story, and so far it's been very interesting. Just make sure you keep to your planned plot, and keep everything connected and important. Don't stray from it, keep going the way you are now. :)

Character Development

Currently we don't really know much about your main character, though you have added in a few details about her. Try showing us more about her and what's happened in her life. Why is the human population so low? What happened? (This can also be connected to the plot development.)

But since this is only the first part of your story, this can all be added in later on. One idea of how to show us what's happened is the age old use of flashbacks. Maybe have her dream or daydream about what had happened. The possibilities are endless!

But as with your plot, make sure you keep your character development at a proper and steady pace. Be positive that you have enough but not too much.

Description

I absolutely love what you've done with your description. I can clearly picture the scenes in my mind, which is hard to do. Really, the only thing I can say about this is to make sure that you keep it interesting, and un-repetitive.

Grammar

You asked for nit-picks, and usually I'm really good at finding them, but there really isn't much you can nit-pick in this story so far. I only found two minor concerns that I'll point out to you below.

It enticed them with its velvety inkiness, and camouflaged them with its secret folds.


With could possibly be changed to in, it might sound a bit better when talking about taking something within something else.

The next is a more general concern. Throughout your second chapter, you seem to be a bit repetitive when talking about how the deer felt it was alone, she wasn't being spotted, and then she felt like she was being watched. You seem to jump between those three feelings a lot. I would suggest just going over it again, make sure that you aren't saying the same thing over and over again.

Overall

Overall, I found your story very interesting, and it left me wanting to know more. You have a really good start here, and I can't wait to read your next chapters! Great job! :)

Please feel free to contact me with any questions about anything I've said here. I'll keep a look out for when you post the next part! Bye bye for now!

~ Trish :smt006
~ Patricia Tina :smt006

Don't look in the spoiler.

Spoiler
I lost the game.

"I always hear punch me in the face when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext."
~ Dr. John Watson




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I thought the plot was pretty good, i'm a big fan of the life after people concept. The description really painted the picture for me, and i loved the way you described the animals of the first chapter. The character was pretty good and if you write more i can't wat to see how she developes.




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Spoiler
baywolf25 wrote:
Chapter 1

The darkness of the night was split only by the pale light of the moon hidden in the cloud bank. [I suggest you don't start your story with a scenery or weather description] There would be a storm later, but at that moment, the evening air was calm and silent as the day creatures slept in their hidden beds and airy lofts to wait for the bright light of day.

This time was ruled by the night creatures. The kinds that stalk and skulk and howl at the moon with its round pale face. [This sentence is a little weird... "its round pale face" looks like it's referring to the creatures] Such creatures were what made the dark scary for its danger, and out of the hidden gloom, fiery eyes glistened with greed and hunger.

The night beckoned to its hunters. It enticed them with its velvety inkiness, [Did it just get purple in here? :P ] and camouflaged them with its secret folds. The rustle of leaves and crunch of twigs indicated the prey. The hunters were silent, skilled, and deadly.

Nothing saw them, until it was too late. Safety does not come easily in the Wild, unless it accepts you as a Wild One. But even then, the hunt is on.

[I'm not a fan of beginnings like these, as it told me absolutely nothing. Is this a medieval fantasy story or urban? Is it fantasy at all? Your images are far too abstract to grip me]


Chapter 2

A sun-dappled deer grazed peacefully in a small meadow in the foothills of the mountains. Those jagged peaks with white caps once had a Human name, but it was long lost to the inhabitants of the land.

The deer—a young buck with tiny spikes for horns—moved leisurely through the rich summer grass. It was unaware that it was being watched by a pair of dark eyes from the trees sheltering the meadow on one side.

The eyes did not blink in their intensity. Not a movement of the deer was missed, and slowly, almost unnoticeably, the eyes moved closer to where the young buck was grazing.

The buck looked up for a second, its brown eyes too trusting in its own youthful invincibility and aloneness, before it bent its head back down to snatch away at the tall sea of grass. The returning snick-snack of teeth on grass blades a comfort to the deer, it meant it was alive.

The eyes had frozen as the deer had glanced its way, but moved again as it appeared they hadn’t been spotted.

Foot by foot, the eyes edged closer and closer until only a wide tree and ten feet of waving grass stood between the eyes and the deer.

The shadows of the forest evergreens ate up the form belonging to the eyes. Whatever stalked the deer was invisible.

Suddenly, [Using the word "suddenly" when something happens suddenly prepares us for the events that follow, and therefore should be avoided if you actually want to surprise the reader] the eyes seemed to glow [seemed to whom? If you're writing in third person omniscient, the eyes should either glow or not glow. They can't "seem" to glow, as the narrator doesn't have eyes in this case] bright gold and then in a flash, a blurry brown figure bolted from its hiding spot under the tree and towards the deer as it grazed.

The buck only had time to raise its head in surprise, before the form was upon it and slashing its throat with deadly force. The buck fell to the ground with the brown figure standing half-crouched over its dying form, almost protectively. The guardian angel of death. [This made me do a small face-palm. Is this an actual, literal guardian angel of death? If it isn't, those words seem extremely tired and cliche to me]

The silence of the meadow continued unbroken by the violence. If anything, it seemed [here, the word is used a bit more appropriately, since what you're describing is a lot more abstract than a quantifiable glow] as if nature approved and was silently commending the hunter for its conquest. Survival of the fittest was more than a mere suggestion in the Wild.

Breaking the silence, a calm female voice whispered, “A clean kill. The deer will feed me as the earth has fed it.”

The voice came from the brown figure that had killed the buck. She stood up to glance around the clearing, and her dark golden eyes took in the area with a practiced skill. Her eyes told her that she was alone, but still, all day it had felt like something—or someone—had been following her.

The feeling was not comfortable, because to survive in the Wild, it was best to remain unseen. [If she wishes to remain undetected, why did she speak just now?] So far, she had managed to survive for ten winters, ever since the time of Great Loss. She did not like to think about that time.

Instead, she focused on each day, each kill, and each moon until the next came. Living in the Wild was dangerous, but she knew these woods and hills like she knew the paths of her mind. Here, she was the one to be feared. The great hunter. She was the Queen of these paths.

She was known in the times before as Amberose, and still sometimes she considered that name and what it had meant. There was no one to call her that anymore.

Amberose shrugged off the feeling of unease and turned instead to the buck lying at her feet. Its life was gone and its brown eyes were glazed in the presence of death. She bent down and made quick work of the carcass.

Her knife moved delicately and swiftly to dissemble the flesh with skilled strokes. [Did she use the knife to kill the deer?] It was soon just a bloody pile of entrails that she would leave for the lesser predators that prowled the night, and she wrapped the remainder of the meat in the skin of the buck. Even the long bones she would take and find use for. The meat she would keep and take to her den to cook and cure for storage.

It may have been the beginning of summer, but winter came quickly in the foothills of the mountains that she called the Appalachias because of some memory from her past life. The name tickled at the tendrils of memory in the recesses of her mind.

With the burden of the meat on her shoulder, Amberose began the journey back to her den. It was not too far, but with the extra weight, it would take her about an hour to arrive there, and she wanted to get back in time to set the watch fire and begin cooking.

Being caught out in the open at night was not smart—even for someone as strong and dangerous as she. She was not the only one who hunted these hills. There were other Wild Ones, and they were not above thievery. She had to protect what little she had accumulated for the winter months.

She left the meadow behind her, and set off in the direction of the nearest mountain. Her den was beckoning her, and she ignored the inkling of being followed in her haste to be back in her haven.

It was because of her distraction that she missed the pair of eyes following her. The hunter had become the hunted.


The spoiler above contains my detailed text critique.

I liked the second half a lot. It might be because I was listening to some really solemn music at the time ("Going Up" by Coil if you want to give it a shot), but it had a very peculiar feeling to it - a feeling of being alone in the entire world and its mountains and hills and deer. Honestly, I'm not sure what else to say. The impression was so strong that there are few ways I can criticize the piece otherwise.

If I had to try, I'd say that it's still confusing. You describe the female character as "brown" in appearance. Is she covered in fur? Is she human at all? In stories like this, it's difficult to tell, so I'd appreciate some guidance. The second chapter, then, managed to grab my interest, so I'll be sure to give the other chapters a chance.

In terms of technical issues, your prose gets a bit purple in some places. Not so bad as to say it's cringe-worthy, but it comes close at times. Simple language used powerfully is often much more effective, because it doesn't feel like you're forcing us to imagine the scene. Check out my quote in my signature for an example of strong writing with simple language.

I guess that's all I have to say for now. I will review the 3rd and 4th chapters tomorrow. Best of luck to you.

Your servant,
cC
_



something I have been thinking about ever since I saw the Super Mario Bros movie is how once I took a "what Nintendo character are you" quiz and I got Waluigi.
— Elinor