The Benjamin Franklin Initiative

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 300
Reviews 0
The fire engine arrived to late.
There where people running around everywhere. Nobody seemed to know what to do. A woman was crying.
And across the street, hidden in the bushes, four children sat, watching.
Later that same night, in the same city, an experemental hospital was also burned down. No one was hurt in either fire, and both buildings where burnt to the ground. Nothing was left, except some notes. One piece of paper for each of the children that had lived there.
Four notes, three at the house, one at the hospital, as was tradition.
As the firemen tried fruitlessly to put out the two fires, the four children in the forest slipped silently out of the town.
"I FEEL IT'S ONLY FAIR TO WARN YOU THAT I AM IN FACT A LIBRARIAN!!"

"I'm gonna steal it."
"Yea....what?"
"I'm gonna steal the declaration of independance."
"Uh - BEN!"

"Because...you love me?"
"Aye little one. I do."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 31764
Reviews 84
Hello there, GummiBearNinja! Welcome to YWS! :D

Firstly, I thought that this chapter (I assume it's going to become a novel, right?) was very short and concise, which is a very good thing. Most people don't really have the time to read a lot during their day, so this is a gem. You managed to put in suspense in this short chapter as well.

All that aside, you did have quite a few grammatical and spelling mistakes in this short piece of writing. Remember to always run your work through a word processor, because spellcheck is a writer's best friend. Well, it's not the main reason to do so, but proofreading your writing will make the whole piece more neat and tidy, which will also make your reader's life easier --- by making it more clear.

Other than that, you've done a good job with your prologue/first chapter --- keep writing! :D

~iceprincess =]
you'll never find another sweet little girl with sequined sea foam eyes
ocean lapping voice, smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky
and you're all alone again tonight; not again, not again, not again.
and don't it feel alright, and don't it feel so nice? lovely.






User avatar
Gender Female
Points 300
Reviews 0
Thanks! It is a prolouge by the way, i wanted to see if anyone wasa interested before i posted a whole chapter.

As for the mistakes, there must be something wrong with my spellcheker. I'll get right on that.

Thanks again!
-GummiBearNinja
"I FEEL IT'S ONLY FAIR TO WARN YOU THAT I AM IN FACT A LIBRARIAN!!"

"I'm gonna steal it."
"Yea....what?"
"I'm gonna steal the declaration of independance."
"Uh - BEN!"

"Because...you love me?"
"Aye little one. I do."



I'll show my defiance through ironic obedience!
— AstralHunter