The Couch

Silliness



You used to take my covers,
You used to hog my bed.
You used to steal my pillow,
Without leaving me a thread.

You used to snore in my ear,
And mumble in your sleep,
But now my love, my darling dear,
The couch you get to keep.

Hey Persephoneia

You used to take my covers,
You used to hog my bed.
You used to steal my pillow,
Without leaving me a thread.

Although, I normally am one of those people who go on long rants about repetition of certain words, I enjoyed this one. But I do have a problem with the last line 'Without leaving me a thread.' Especially since the line before it doesn't seem to make it any more clear, exactly what you are talking about. I can hazard a guess, but I think you should either scrap that line or change it.

You used to snore in my ear,
And mumble in your sleep,
But now my love, my darling dear,
The couch you get to keep.

I love this bit, didn't expect it at all. Didn't have a problem with it, I like the wording, the flow.

Anger

P.S Sucks for whoever gets the couch

Hiya,

This was a very cute poem and it made me giggle at the end. This will be a short review since this really is execellent and I don't have a lot to say. Your repetition in the first stanza is great and does a good job of setting the mood, but would it really be past-tense? It makes it seem like the wife is taking action weeks later or that this has happened over the course of one night. If you made this present-tense, the reader would get to experience more of a build-up and get deeper into the wife's emotions.

There was one other tiny thing I noticed:

But now my love, my darling dear,

If she was mildly frustrated with him, would she really refer to him by 'my love' or 'dear'? I suppose she could, but it doesn't seem that realistic.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this piece! PM me if you need anything further.

-Elinor x

Haallo..
I luved this poem.. It made me gigglee.. Tee heee heee..
I wish I could write a poem about something as boring as a couch and make it actually quite funny..
OKay
Byeee
Kaka X X

Haha I like this poem! It's funny and clever, and I can never write anything funny.

You used to snore in my ear,
And mumble in your sleep,
But now my love, my darling dear,
The couch you get to keep.

I didn't expect something like this ending, and it's always good to surprise your readers!

Good job

Persephoneia wrote:Silliness



You used to take my covers,
You used to hog my bed.
You used to steal my pillow,
Without leaving me a thread.

You used to snore in my ear,
And mumble in your sleep,
But now my love, my darling dear,
The couch you get to keep.

Haha loved this poem. It was very sing-song like and I chuckled at the end. It reminds me of poems I used to read as a child, not that it is jejune, but it has a child friendly quality to it. Keep up the creativity and humor!