"Our Goodbye" by Brian

As the cold blows over us
you start to sweat, yet I hold you close
then when the tides change you start to drown
I'll be your life vest and hold you up
when you slip and fall I'll still be your crutch
when we lose it all I'll still be your bank
but it doesn't matter now,
'cause you left me anyhow


now its time for you to learn
the shit I dealt with to keep you straight
there is no more fucking around
my pinned up anger is now your fate
I sat and listened to you, but
now it's my turn to spit it back
time for me to move on...


(C)You raise me up, but then you hold me down
I'm like a turntable, you spin me round and round
the metaphors, they keep on pouring down
it's time for me to go
it's sayonara now


you're sitting there, as I pack my bags
not a single word, for my years of pain


in the call that's love, you just kept breaking up
time to end this shit and move along


(C)You raise me up, but then you hold me down
I''m like a turntable, you spin me round and round
tried to hold you close, but you just turned away
so here's a "fuck" to you,
don't need you anyway


[guitar solo]


(C) (whispering) you raise me up, but then you hold me down
I'm like a turntable, you spin me round and round
(loud again) I tried so hard to make you understand
we don't see eye to eye, so this is our goodbye


(C) you raise me up, but then you hold me down
I'm like a turntable, you spin me round and round
I tried so hard to make you understand
we don't see eye to eye
so this is our goodbye



I imagine this as a lighter metal song. Please give your opinion on it, good or bad!

Hey, a little easy on the langue! Just kidding with you. This is pretty good. Just here is some corrections:

not a single word, for my yeears of pain

I'm thinking that's a typo, correction years

(C)You raise me up, bu then you hold me down

Just another typo. Correction: but

(loud again) I tried so hard to make you uderstand

Understand

that we don't see eye to eye, so this is ourr goodbye

Our

I tried so hard to maake you understand

Make
Otherwise I rather like it. I'm not like every other girl that goes after Justin whatever his name is. But you're pretty good. I could see where you're coming from and all that. I especially like how you wrote when different things were happening. Like guitar solo and stuff like that. Just keep writing and remember to check for the typos!

Thank you very much!

I originally typed this at 3 in the morning and forgot to check for typos before i copied it onto here, but all the typos should now be fixed. Also, thank you for the review

First off, I don't usually do reviews on lyrics or poetry, but I'll do the best I can (though sorry if it's not that good).

bpm17 wrote:As the cold blows over us
you start to sweat, yet I hold you close This is probably just me, but "cold blows" and "close" are very similar for such a small space. Maybe think about changing "cold" to something like "chill". "Chill", to me, make me think more of shivering and trying to get warm than a generic "cold." Still, this is just my opinion and I'm no professional.
then when the tides change you start to drown
I'll be your life vest and hold you up
when you slip and fall I'll still be your crutch
when we lose it all I'll still be your bank
but it doesn't matter now,
'cause you left me anyhow


now its time for you to learn
the shit I dealt with to keep you straight
there is no more fucking around
my pinned up anger is now your fate <- I like this line.
I sat and listened to you, but
now it's my turn to spit it back
time for me to move on...


(C)You raise me up, but then you hold me down
I'm like a turntable, you spin me round and round If this were strictly a poem, I'd say take this out, it's disrupting the flow. Seeing as it's a song, I don't know how it's sung, so it may work perfectly well. Still, think about it and decide if it works. Just "round" is enough to signify it if it happens that "and round" does disrupt the flow.
the metaphors, they keep on pouring down <- I like this line too.
it's time for me to go
it's sayonara now


you're sitting there, as I pack my bags
not a single word, for my years of pain


in the phone call that's love, you just kept breaking up This read very choppily. It may sound just fine sung, but it also may not. Writers tend to rely on other's criticism, but in this case it may not be completely valid, so you have to pay extra close attention to make it right. Just, listen hard as you sing and decide what's best.
time to end this call and move along


(C)You raise me up, but then you hold me down
I''m like a turntable, you spin me round and round
tried to hold you close, but you just turned away
so here's a "fuck" to "you", You don't need quotation marks around "you". It is neither a quote nor a title or any other thing like that.
don't need you anyway


[guitar solo]


(C) (whispering) you raise me up, but then you hold me down I like how you did "whispering" then "loud again." It gives us a better feel for the song.
I'm like a turntable, you spin me round and round
(loud again) I tried so hard to make you understand
that we don't see eye to eye, so this is ourr goodbye At least when it's only written out, "that" makes the sentence long and awkward. I'd consider taking it out.


(C) you raise me up, but then you hold me down
I'm like a turntable, you spin me round and round
I tried so hard to make you understand
that we don't see eye to eye
so this is our goodbye



I imagine this as a lighter metal song. Please give your opinion on it, good or bad!

Overall

This is pretty good. The one main critique I have is, use grammar. I know that these are lyrics, but grammar is still a very important tool. It makes it easier to read and create the pauses that you imagine in it. Using punctuation also shows us which lines belong to which sentences and are connected, and all in all improves the quality of the lyrics.

This is a very nice song. Sorry if I'm not much help.

loveness, ultraviolet

Okay, so I don't usually review lyrics, because I myself am not very good. But I'll give this a go. Hopefully it helps!

As the cold blows over us
you start to sweat, yet I hold you close
then when the tides change you start to drown
I'll be your life vest and hold you up
when you slip and fall I'll still be your crutch
when we lose it all I'll still be your bank
but it doesn't matter now,
'cause you left me anyhow


now its time for you to learn
the shit I dealt with to keep you straight
there is no more fucking around
my pinned up anger is now your fate The usual phrase is "pent up anger," though it could very well be that you meant "pinned," to get rid of the cliche. xD
I sat and listened to you, but
now it's my turn to spit it back
time for me to move on...


(C)You raise me up, but then you hold me down
I'm like a turntable, you spin me round and round
the metaphors, they keep on pouring down I really like this line.
it's time for me to go
it's sayonara now This line made me smile. It makes me think of those lines in movies where a character shouts, "Sayonara, suckers!" Just thought you should know, because this particular expression may detract from your overall tone of the song. But then again...this is my first lyrics review so I could be completely off.


you're sitting there, as I pack my bags
not a single word, for my years of pain


in the phone call that's love, you just kept breaking up
time to end this call and move along In my opinion, the repetition of "call" is more redundant than anything. Maybe find another way to express it?


(C)You raise me up, but then you hold me down
I''m like a turntable, you spin me round and round
tried to hold you close, but you just turned away
so here's a "fuck" to "you",
don't need you anyway


[guitar solo]


(C) (whispering) you raise me up, but then you hold me down
I'm like a turntable, you spin me round and round
(loud again) I tried so hard to make you understand
that we don't see eye to eye, so this is ourr goodbye Typo here. "Our." : P


(C) you raise me up, but then you hold me down
I'm like a turntable, you spin me round and round
I tried so hard to make you understand
that we don't see eye to eye I think, if you delete the "that" it makes the lyric "we don't see eye to eye" a million times more powerful.
so this is our goodbye



I imagine this as a lighter metal song. Please give your opinion on it, good or bad!

Overall thoughts:

I liked this. Definitely see this as a more metal song, probably leaning to the melodic side rather than grunting hardcore. You express emotion well, and the imagery works well for what you're conveying. : ) Good job! I hope my review helps a bit.

Until the cocoa puffs,
-Sporks

I fixed the remaining typo and used some of the suggestions to alter the song a bit.

for the cold/close dilemma, I left it like that because the speed they're said in the beginning is faster, so it fits in well.

as for the "round and round", that I kept because I personally like it, and even though it didn't originally fit very well, the way I fit it in now sounds really good.

I got a couple complaints about the phone call verse, for which i'm glad because i honestly didn't like it either. hopefully, my alteration doesn't make it sound worse!

"pent up" IS what i meant to say, but the cliche thing got stuck in my head, so "pinned" is staying up for now xD

finally, I got rid of "that" in the final chorus, and you're right, it does sound better.

...

okay, NOW I see the button for spell check at the top. That would have been a lot more useful before!

This song is a great piece, you have a great use of the words for it, its a nice break up song.

I liked Your way of explaining what you went through, it was well defined, but its an anger piece, right, so there is more subtle insults, thought I'm just thinking this you don't have to.

So over all Great piece, Your an amazing writer!

Well, this is the first time I have EVER reveiwed a song, so thats a rarity. I'm normally short and to the point so here it is.
You have one amazign talent for writing songs, and it touched my heart. I agree with whoever siad that its a great breakup song, and you can feel the emotion pouring from it. Overall, it's a great song, and I wouldn't be surpirsed to see someone sing it one day

Jen