Untitled (part 1)

This is my first posted work so please sorry if it's a little hard to read. By the way this is the prologue to the real thing. Please wait to give title suggestions (unless you really really want/have to). Hope you like it -Bree


A woman, only about 16, runs down a hallway in some far off castle. She has brown hair and brown eyes. The hall has walls painted tan with red crown molding. The floor is hardwood with a red rug that runs down the length of the hallway. The woman is wearing a light blue princess dress and a gold crown with blue sapphires set in it. Runs until she reaches the end of the hall, where the only door in the castle that's locked. The woman pulls out a key from a hidden pocket and unlocks the door. She rushes inside and quickly closes the door behind her and locks it again.

   The room is large especially for a nursery and is painted a pale pink for a baby girl. The carpet is a light tan color and is soft to the touch. Pushed up against the left wall is a changing table and a small dresser with tiny dresses and shoes in it. There's also a large window in the back of the room covered with white curtains. In front of the window is a white wooden rocking chair with a pink cushion on it for comfort. On the right wall there is a small bed with railing around it. Next to the bee is a door that leads to a closet filled with dresses and shoes for a princess and a crown ready to be worn. In the middle of the room there is a white wood crib with a white lace canopy over it. Inside it a 2-year-old baby is sleeping she has on a white night gown.

   The baby has no hair yet, but has big beautiful hazel brown eyes that she opens as she sees the woman, who is her mother. Her mother reaches into the crib and picks up her baby and then rocks her slowly. The door to the nursery unlocks and a girl comes in the same way as the mother did. 

"My queen, are you ready to go," she said. The girl has blonde hair and blue eyes that are almost gray. She looks no older than twelve, but carries herself as though she is a 16. Her dress is in the same style as the mother's dress only in red.

"Dear, a mother is never ready to give up her child," the woman rocking the baby said, "but I must, for her own good."

The girl nods silently, blonde hair bobbing up and down with each nod. The woman wrapped the baby up in a pink blanket from her bed. Then the girl opened the door and the woman ran through carrying the baby. The two hurried down the hall and then down a flight of stairs. After they had wound their way toward the back of the castle, avoiding servants and other people, they reached their destination. In front of them was a solid brick wall, at least to most people it was. The woman touched her hand to the wall, the other hand held the baby. Her hand started to glow and a door appeared, she opened it and hurried the girl and her through.

On the other side of the door there was a small hidden courtyard, that backed up to a dense forest. A boy, around 12 also, and a horse stood waiting for the pair to arrive. As he saw them the boy straightened up and bowed. The horse, tan with a black mane, stomped its foot impatiently. The boy stood up and mounted his horse. Then the woman, after giving her baby a kiss on the forehead, gave her baby to him.

"You will take good care of her, won't you?" she asked.

"Of course your magesty," he answered pretending to be insulted.

"And you will take care of yourself too right?" the girl asked lovingly

"Yes dear," the boy said rolling his eyes at her. The girl gave him a kiss on the cheek and the two said the rest of their goodbyes.

"Goodbye Bree," the woman said to her baby as the boy rode off into the forest with her. Taking her to her new home and new life.

Hi there, Breena, I'll be writing you a review.

The first thing that I noticed when I started reading was that you have good description, but you're telling, not showing. Everyone has this problem a little bit (whether they admit it or not), but with practice it can be overcome. I'll give you an example.

Here's your first paragraph:

A woman, only about 16, runs down a hallway in some far off castle. She has brown hair and brown eyes. The hall has walls painted tan with red crown molding. The floor is hardwood with a red rug that runs down the length of the hallway. The woman is wearing a light blue princess dress and a gold crown with blue sapphires set in it. Runs until she reaches the end of the hall, where the only door in the castle that's locked. The woman pulls out a key from a hidden pocket and unlocks the door. She rushes inside and quickly closes the door behind her and locks it again.

And here's how I would have written it:

A woman, no older than 16, runs down one of many hallways in a far off castle. She brushes a strand of brown hair out of her eyes, which match her hair in colour perfectly. The hardwood below her feet is covered with a gorgeous red rug, which stands out beautifully against the tan walls. The woman's light blue dress whips around her ankles as she runs, and her golden crown bounces on her head. She continues until she reaches the locked door at the end of the hall, pulls out a key from a hidden pocket, and unlocks the door. She rushes inside and quickly closes the door behind her, locking it once again.

The same is with the second paragraph. Changing the wording a bit can change how the reader sees it, even if you're saying the exact same thing.

That was the main problem that I saw. As this is only the prologue, I can't really comment on the storyline yet.

Overall, I enjoyed reading it, even if I don't know exactly what's happening yet, and I'm excited for the next chapter. PM me if have any questions, or to let me know when you post the next chapter.~

Hey Bree!

Disturbed made a good point. For me, it seemed an almost tedious read where I was lost in the descriptions, which really takes away from the story itself. I hope you 'clean' it up a little so the true gem of the story can shine through, because once you do that, I think you will have a wonderful story on your hands. I liked the premise, and I hope you continue to work on the storyline. It sounds promising! For being only a prologue, it really left me wanting to read more (without the "telling" that is), and I think you did a great job. If you would like me to point out some more detailed nitpicks, (I don't really have the inclination to be a grammar teacher at the moment *sigh*) I would love for you to PM me for a request.

Happy Writing!
Bailey

One challenge a writer often experiences when writing creative fiction or creative non-fiction, is the task of laying the basic setting - the foundation, for your story. As I read this, and I understand from reading reviews already posted that those suggestions may not have been implemented yet, the amount of detail jumps out.

One helpful suggestion in general would be to reveal details when you character perceives them. Maybe it is not your first priority to say she has brown hair and brown eyes, and perhaps if another character (even a minor one) notices those traits it will help the smoothness of this prologue. An example would include introducing another character who suddenly notices she has brown eyes. Or perhaps, a minor character drawing the attention of others to the ceiling for their own reason. Chances are plentiful for you to slip a detail or two about the setting, yet the plot can often remain unchanged.

I did enjoy reading this but the path from the beginning to the end was rocky versus smooth. One aspect which I enjoyed, and it may seem contradictory, was the detail. However, it needed to be used in moderation and applied in various ways. Keep on writing as practice makes perfect.

P.S. If you have a certain direction you want your story to follow, charting the path via a mind-map or even just via the bullet form mode of a word processing software, can help you focus on maintaining the plot without getting stranded. For additional tips please visit writing_tips.html.

Sincerely,
-Elitehusky (Writing Name)

Wonderful, BreenaJames! You said in your intro-thingy that this is the prologue to something, and if you are going to post anymore, please tell me!! I really enjoyed this, it is exacly the kind of thing i like to read.

My nitpicks/comments:
*You are very descriptive, which is good, but sometimes you have a little too much description. You could show me, instead of tell me, for one thing. Instead of

The carpet is a light tan color and is soft to the touch.

You could say 'The women ran across the soft tan carpet'

She rushes inside and quickly closes the door behind her and locks it again.

I think it might sound a little better if you said 'She rushes inside and quickly closes the door behind her, then locks it again.'

Next to the bee is a door that leads to a closet filled with dresses and shoes for a princess and a crown ready to be worn.

its supposed to be 'bed' not 'bee'

...she opens as she sees the woman, who is her mother.

It would sound better if you said '...she opens as she sees the women, her mother.'
*It's 'majesty' not 'magesty'
*I love the name Bree
*I want to read more

Hey Breena, I'm Fire, and let me say first - Welcome warmly to the greatest writing site in the galaxy - YWS. Yes, its true.

Since my manners are a little rust, i'm going to skip all the formalities that i should start with and jump straight into the review. And on to the critique we shall......

Nit Picks

A woman, only about 16, runs down a hallway in some far off castle.

This line seems a bit awkward. Try changing the bold phrase a little until the sentence seems to flow smoothly. Also whan writing never have numerical symbols present. Always write the numbers in their word forms, i.e - sixteen.

She Runs until she reaches the end of the hall, where the only door in the castle that's locked.

You need to add a she at the beginning of the sentence and also try changing the end to - where the only locked door in the castle stands.

Next to the bee is a door that leads to a closet filled with dresses and shoes for a princess and a crown ready to be worn.

Umm, I didn't know that the character could see a bee before. I'm guessing this is a typo or theres been an update in everyones dictionaries except mine o.O

In the middle of the room there is a white wooden crib with a white lace canopy over it.

Unless there is a type of wood named white wood you should add the suffix - en at the end of wood.

Inside it a 2-year-old baby is sleeping. she has on a white night gownShe wears a white night gown.

There should be a period after sleeping and the you could rearrange the words into something that flows (unfortunately, i doubt my addition does flow, so change it in a way you like)

"My queen, are you ready to go," she sayssaid.

So, all through the story you've written in present tense, but sudden now you've reverted back to past tense. Tsk tsk ^^

She looks no older than twelve, but carries herself as though she is a16

.

Again, you've used 16 instead of sixteen . Also the a is not needed.

"Dear, a mother is never ready to give up her child," the woman rocking the baby sayssaid, "but I must, for her own good."

Present to past tense again.

The girl nods silently, blonde hair bobbing up and down with each nod. The woman wrappedwraps the baby up in a pink blanket from her bed. Then the girl openedopens the door and the woman ranruns through carrying the baby. The two hurriedhurry down the hall and then down a flight of stairs. After they had woundwind(not sure about this)their way toward the back of the castle, avoiding servants and other people, they reachedreach their destination. In front of them is wasa solid brick wall, or so it seemed to leastto most peopleit was. The woman touchestouched her hand to the wall, the other hand holds held the baby. Her hand starts started to glow and a door appears appeared, she opens opened it and hurries hurried the girl and her through.
On the other side of the door there is was a small hidden courtyard, that backed up to a dense forest. A boy, around 12 also, and a horse stands stoodwaiting for the pair to arrive. As he sees sawthem the boy straightens straightenedup and bows bowed. The horse, tan with a black mane, stomps stompedits foot impatiently. The boy stands stoodup and mounts mountedhis horse. Then the woman, after giving her baby a kiss on the forehead, gives gaveher baby to him.

"You will take good care of her, won't you?" she asks asked.

"Of course your magesty," he answers answeredpretending to be insulted.

"And you will take care of yourself too right?" the girl asks askedlovingly

"Yes dear," the boy said rolling his eyes at her. The girl gives gavehim a kiss on the cheek and the two say saidthe rest of their goodbyes.

"Goodbye Bree," the woman says saidto her baby as the boy rides rodeoff into the forest with her. Taking her to her new home and new life.

Yeah..... complicated XD, but pretty much all of the mistakes above are just the tense change. Ignore them if you want and completely change the tense into past tense. I thought it was the civilized (:P) thing to do by pointing out all the mistakes i could spot. So, yeah...

Plot

Wow, you certainly caught me in you grasp. I really like how you've used the present tense (most of the time ) to make the story feel more natural at times. Of course, past tense would be okay as well, but thats another story. I'm just curious, why did you choose present tense anyway?

Theres not much of a plot in this piece, but it being a prologue should not have much plot anyway. So, technically i have no way of commenting on it story wise or plot wise.

Other

What i didn't like at all is how you've detailed the story. I read some of the older critiques and saw that they too have pointed it out. Unfortunately from what i can see, you haven't done much to improve the quality of the detail. It gave me a feeling that i was reading through a info-dump. You've just stated the details as plainly and as normally as possible without using any of your imagination. Like our good friend Sierra's pointed out -

The carpet is a light tan color and is soft to the touch.

You could say 'The women ran across the soft tan carpet'

You could or more likely - should use more of this kind of language to make the reader find the detail smooth and normal, instead of rough and abnormal.

Try working on that a little more and you'll have improved your story greatly.

Overview

I just realized that its almost midnight and i have to sleep, so sorry to say, i will have to end the overview as soon as possible, although i can promise that I will review this piece again if you do polish it a little.

It was a great piece of work and for that you should be proud of yourself. There were a few nit picks and info-dumps, but all in all the prologue was set wonderfully. You've not given away too much detail about the story and thus increased the readers curiosity and gotten his attention. Also I noticed that this is your first post, I must say, I am impressed. Great work Bree!
Oh yeah, i also noticed that you've named your MC after yourself, hehe, So are you modelling her character after yourself of if it just for fun?

Hmm, i think thats about it, but I'll be looking forward to the rest of your story and also the edited version (hopefully) of the prologue. PM me when you do post any of the rest, okay?
And of course last but not least i have to say that your story very intriguing and i want to read more. [Invisible capitals to get your attention] I want to!! [/invisible capitals to get your attention ]. So you better not give up hope or anything just because you need a little bit of polishing. None of us are perfect you know, hehe.

-Fire-

First of all, thanks to everyone who reviewed my story. Second I'm working on an edited of version. Oh and to answer Fire's question technically I wrote the story before I even knew about this website. I was looking for somewhere to show it when I found YWS. And Bree is, in a way, a better version of me, but you haven't met her yet. I don't want to give away too much of the story so I better stop typing.

Thanks again,
Bree

Haha, I see, okay, I'll be looking forward to your edited version. Till then, see ya!

-Fire-