How difficult life could be - Chapter 2

Chapter 02

Kelly:
“Wake up Tim! We’re getting late for school”, these are almost usual words that comes out of my lips when I get out of my room in the morning.

“I’m here already; it is you who is late Kelly, get ready before we are late for real!” and if I’m right, that is what I always get as a reply.

Tim, who seems to be changed since we lost our parents, is the same person inside. Cold and calm, that is what his personality was like since the very first time I grew old enough to recognize him. As far as I know him, he likes to keep most of things inside of him. But despite of his compact nature he is the best mind reader I've ever came across. He knows people from their core, sometimes he looks inside of you even deeper than you can go yourself. I like him, not just because he is my brother but because he is a good person, after all not all the people with this extraordinary skill go far enough for good reasons.

Schooldays were back and our routine was normal once again, waking up in the morning, getting ready for the school, going to school, coming back with a tired face and do every weird little thing that other teen never think of doing.
“We’re going Mrs. Steward.” said Tim as we got out of the door.

Steward, which is her second name, the person we were provided after our parents died. I wonder if she ever had a first name, because we never knew it, and I don’t think if we are ever going to know that. This old woman, who seemed to be in her sixties, was somewhat like Tim too. She had the same loss as we had, but just in a different way. She lost her kids and her husband when she was quite young; her aloneness almost killed her inside before we met her; at least that is what we can understand with what we know her. She was here to look after us, looking after us, that sounds pretty stupid; we don’t really need someone else to take care of as long as I and Tim are together. Also, we can’t be looked after; we are free birds after all!

Our battleground (otherwise known as school) always starts with a 'big bang'. I sometimes hate school, because of the weird seniors who are always there to start a something annoying; I don’t know why they like it, fighting each other, punching each other and getting them hurt, usually by me! On the other hand, Tim likes being decent with those jerks, he says that he never cared for what they do and have no time to waste on them.

Entry in the school, first day after summer vacation; my entry in the school is always great. But Tim, he is always the one who is picked on at the gate by our dirty soldiers.

“Hey! Everybody, have a look over here, a chick is coming that way! So, ‘Tim the chick’, how was your vacation. Pretty boring, I suppose? There is nothing else that can be expected form you!” said Ross as he walked towards Tim pushing him from his soldiers as he called other members of his army.

It is true that Tim takes these things lightly, but these people really annoy me. Bang! And only one punch of mine was enough to take the leader down. And in no time, we watched the army men carrying their leader to class.

“Umm..! You shouldn't have done that Kelly.” Tim murmured to me with one of his hand on his forehead.

“Oh! C’mon Tim, you should sometimes react to those jerks with what you've got. They should also know the real you!” I replied.

“The real me, huh! Kelly, just leave it.” And we got silent once again.

Wind started to blow which none of us cared about as we kept moving towards the gate of the school. We could still hear the voices coming from the back screaming about what I did, some of them were threatening me for the punch I put in Ross’ face, but that was something which I really liked. I always knew that Tim was not a coward or a weak person, he just doesn't like getting involved with these things which he thinks are small enough to not to care about. Though I am unsure if I am telling myself all these things to defend Tim as he is my brother but other way I think that is what I think about him.

Time for the class, it was the time when we have everything except for studying. As Tim was senior to me, we were in different classes. My friends and I usually have a lot of fun in our , not including times when we were caught doing silly things outside principal’s office. School is great when it comes to fun, but Tim was always the best teacher and the best brother for me in the whole world. I am usually a bright student in the class but today, after a long vacation I was also feeling lazy like other girls who hang outside the school with soldiers which I really hate.

I was not paying any attention to my teacher at all, at least till my teacher closed the book and started a general interaction in the class. As I was not much attentive the only words which I heard were “...police never leave the orphans direct to guardians but they have a long process for it which takes time...”

Orphans, I didn't like that word but till now I was used to it as that is what they call children like me and Tim. Neglecting all the negative thoughts in my mind I stood up and asked teacher without thinking about anybody else in the class, “But madam, that can’t be true. I didn't noticed any long procedure when we were asked to stay with Mrs. Steward!” but she had no interest in it.

Still to avoid me speaking once again she answered, “You were young then Kelly! There must have been a long discussion which you might not have noticed.”

I was young that is true, but I wasn't a fool. I’m sure what my teacher said was wrong somewhere or at least it was something that I needed to tell Tim. I knew that there was no use of talking to my teacher any more about this so I end up the discussion right there.

Before I continued my thoughts, I had a call by principal. Amber queen, that is what I call my principal, when I reached her office she was hot with anger with Steward standing by her side, she was probably called there to complain against me.
“Kelly, if I'm right you had something with Ross, didn't you? Do you have any idea of what you did!” she shouted at my face when I stared at Steward who was probably called because of me.

“I know what I did but Ross hurt Tim, which indeed you didn't notice. And he had been doing this for long time. Even if he’s my senior he’s got no right to act like the way he does with my brother or with anyone.” I also screamed as I sat down without any fear of the amber queen.

Before I could speak Tim was also inside the room as he took over the conversation. He asked principal to let me stay outside of the office which she agreed to, she always respected Tim as a great student of the school, which he really deserved. After a short conversation with Tim and Seward everything settled down. I don’t have any idea how Tim handles things but he finished it up soon and got back to his class sending steward back to home and me to my class.
I didn't saw Steward speaking a single word in the school, and I didn't try starting a conversation with her either as I was not really interested in her this time. After whatever happened in the school today the first thing I wanted to do was to go home and tell Tim about the conversation I had with my teacher.


Tim:
Kelly was still a kid, but she was changed a lot from the time when we saw Clark dead in the corridor of our building. On the other hand Steward was a wise woman. She was also a person beaten by tide of time. She passed her whole life taking care of kids like us. Despite of how we were attached with her there were a lot of things that we didn't know about her. She was a lady of silence, quite a bit like me.

“Tim! Are you there, I have something to talk to you about.” said Kelly as she came inside the room.

“Ah! I have some time, so what do you want to tell me?” I asked

“Today in the school I had a conversation with my teacher which I think you may be interested in. My Teacher told us that police usually sent children to social workers to get them guardians, but in our case I think things were different. As far as I remember, we were sent to Mrs. Steward immediately as we reported our condition to police.” She told me
She was right; I wonder how I missed it. It was matter of common sense for me, I should have thought about it. Kelly was young but her words really made me think once again at our relationship with Steward.

“Kelly! You’re right, it was different with us. But don’t you worry about it; I will talk to Steward about it. It’s already late; you go and get some sleep we will talk about this later.” I replied her

I was a little shocked though but I didn't have time to think about myself as Kelly was much upset about this which was clear through her face.

"Hey! Kelly, I told you not to worry about it, you did great job telling me about this now it is me who will take care of it. Don't worry, even if there is something wrong I will take care of it, take some rest, you need it. We'll talk about this later. Okay?" I tried convincing her.

"Okay!” Kelly replied, "Thanks, you take some rest too. Good night!"

There was no doubt what Kelly said was right, and there was something that we needed to pay attention too. I never had any doubt on Steward but Kelly’s conversation with her teacher made me think twice. I made sure that I keep an eye on Steward when I got myself ready for further steps.

Tim likes being decent with those jerks, he says that he doesn’t care for what they do and have no time to waste on them, in other words he never care for them.

I would opt for "cared".

“Hey! Everybody, have a look over here, a chick is coming that way! So, ‘Tim the chick’, how was your vacation. Pretty boring, I suppose? There is nothing else that can be expected form you!”

Correction in spelling, should be form. Fairly common mistake.

Me and my friends always have great fun in our class,

I personally don't find this significantly incorrect, but I suppose the politically correct way would be to say "My friends and I".

“...police never leaves the orphans

I would say "leave" versus "leaves". Helps maintain a smooth flow.

I made sure that I keep an eye on Steward when I got myself ready for further steps.

What about, "I made sure that I kept and eye" or "I made sure to keep an eye". The choice is yours.

Overall I gained a better grasp of the scenario and the challenges facing Kelly and Tim. Corrections above may seem numerous but the final decision is still intended to be your choice, as demonstrated in the last correction. I believe this has potential though I would urge you to still commit to your education (as revealed in an earlier conversation). You may find inspiration in the subjects you take and should you wish to better organize those bursts of creativity I suggest using a mind-map or cloud-map to keep track of plot and character details. I wish you the very best and look forward to read more of your writing. Practice makes perfect.

Sincerely,
Elitehusky

Thanks a lot EliteHusky, I will have a look on this chapter once again and try proofreading it myself. However, I would like my reviewers to help me with this.
I had a lot of trouble with this chapter, I was not able to give words to my thoughts and at last what I got was this, but I think if I give it some more time and work on it I will be able to improve it.

Anyway, thanks for the help!

-Chetan

Hey,
I really enjoy your plot keep up the good work.

Have an awesome day,
Tiffany

Hello, hello! Here I am to review the second chapter! Since there aren't that many grammatical errors pointed out already by your other reviewers, I'll do my best to point out the biggest errors for you later on in my review. But I'll get started now.

Plot

As with your previous chapter, I can see that you're introducing a plot, and this time it seems like you're going at a much steadier pace, though you could still use some more description. Because you don't have much description in your story so far, it sometimes seems like you're just jumping from event to event. Try transitioning better from place to place.

For example, you jump quite suddenly from when they get up in the morning to where they get in a fight with the people outside the school. Give us some background as to what is going on in their lives, what's happened in the five years between chapter one and two, how Kelly (since she's the point of view in most of the chapter) thinks, reacts, etc. Show, don't tell us what is going on in your story and with your characters!

Character Development

As with your first chapter, you still haven't added any personality to the characters. Sure, you tell us that Kelly seems to be braver and more forward than her brother, but you don't really give us any insight at all into what's going on in her head. We want to know what she's thinking and why she acts that way. Same with Tim.

I also found that it was a bit different than your first chapter because back then Tim seemed to be much more forward than he is now. While you're allowed to do something like this, you also should give your readers a reason why he's changed so drastically.

Also I saw that your dialogue still seems extremely forced and unrealistic. You need to get into your characters more, and give them their own voices that actually seem like what they would say.

Grammar

And here's where the nit-picks come in! I'm not going to put in everything I find, but I'll try to talk about every mistake you make since you seem to be doing the same things wrong quite a bit.

“Wake up Tim! We’re getting late for school”, these are almost usual words that comes out of my lips when I get out of my room in the morning. “I’m here already; it is you who is late Kelly, get ready before we are late for real!” and if I’m right, that is what I always get as a reply. He is cold like always, he was the same person five years ago when we saw our parents for last time.

This is one of your biggest mistakes that you make in both chapters. In your paragraphs, you have multiple people speaking but you don't make a new paragraph when you change speakers. Here are the two cardinal rules about new paragraphs:

Always make a new paragraph when:
- a new person starts speaking or...
- the time or topic changes.

Remember these two rules and you're golden!

Schooldays were back and our routine was normal once again, wake up in the morning, get ready for the school, go to school, come back and do every weird little thing that other teen never think of doing. “We’re going Mrs. Steward.” Tim spoke as we got out of the door. Steward, which is her second name, the person we were provided after our parents died, to look after us. Looking after us, that sounds stupid; we don’t need someone else to take care of as long as I and Tim are together. Also, we can’t be looked after; we are free birds after all! I wonder if Steward ever had a first name, because we never knew it, and I don’t think if we are ever going to know that.

Where has Mrs. Steward come from? You don't really show us that she's there, what she looks like, anything. Help us make a picture in our minds!

Also, after every line of dialogue you say "__________ spoke". This isn't really the best way to use the word spoke, something like said would work much better. Make sure you always use a proper dialogue tag to go with what has just been said. (Though you can also sometimes completely skip using a dialogue tag, just remember to make sure that the reader always knows who's speaking!)

Here's a list of possible dialogue tags you can use: http://www.readwritethink.org/files/resources/lesson_images/lesson291/dialogue_tag.pdf

Our battleground, usually known as school but I would say battleground which always starts with something weird.

This is what I would call an awkward sentence. It takes a few times re-reading it to finally understand, and you really don't want that. Try not to have so much going on in your sentences because it gets really confusing and turns into a run-on sentence.

Entry in the school, first day after summer vacation; my entry in the school is always great.

Just wanted to point out that this is extremely confusing. First thing that comes to my mind is: Huh?

So, ‘Tim the chick’, how was your vacation.

There should be a question mark after this sentence, not a period. Make sure you always use correct punctuation, since you seem to make mistakes like this quite a bit in both chapters.

“Oh! C’mon Tim, you should sometimes reply those jerks with what you’ve got.

Putting the word reply here doesn't make sense at all. I would change the sentence to something like "you should actually react to what they're doing once in a while!"

If you are having trouble finding the right word, go on a site like http://www.rhymezone.com or http://www.thesaurus.reference.com. Make sure you know what every word you use means and if it actually works with the rest of your sentence. Ask yourself if it sounds right. (Try reading it out loud.)

Overall

Overall you've got another good foundation for your second chapter. Just go over it as well over and over again until it's perfect! Good job so far!

I hope that this helps you improve, and remember that you by no means are forced to listen to anything I said here. But make sure to ask me if you have any questions at all! Good luck and I look forward to reading more of your work. Bye for now!

~ Trish

Hey! Thanks for the review Trish. I figured out most of the mistakes before I posted this chapter but I didn't rectified them because I didn't know how. But the reference you have provided will help a lot. Thanks for your time, I will give it another effort to make it better.

-Chetan

Hey Chetan.

Sorry I'm late with this review, but well, I'm slightly overworking.
Anyway onto this.

Grammatically, this was a better chapter than the other. However, there still were many errors as chocolate pointed out. To work on your grammar, I would suggest you look up the net for grammar tutorials. Here's one
Also, you could write short stories and essays to work on your basics and post them here. I can help you out with line-by-line reviewing.

He is cold like always, he was the same person five years ago when we saw our parents for last time.

Well, okay. The sudden shift of five years. I don't mind it much, but it maybe off-putting to some readers.

Our battleground, usually known as school but I would say battleground which always starts with something weird.

Here, you tell us what happens. Instead if this, maybe say 'I see the battleground, usualy called school' After this show us something that reasons out why it's a battleground. Show, don't tell.

Before I speak anything, Tim was also inside the room as he took over the conversation.... tell Tim about the conversation I had with my teacher.

Basic civil sense and etiquette violation is not freedom. Where does this Steward come from? What is the implication of this? If it plays a major role in the development of the story, work around this scene more. Show us some emotion, some more description etc.

Plot:
Yes, there definitely is something stirring in there. Now, what you need to do is to effectively bring out the plot, using description, suspense, character development etc.

Character Development:
Now, I get that you have a general idea of who they are, but I don't find myself getting connected to them. It seems like they're not fully formed. It would help if you have character profiles for each person (a separate list just for you) where you note down their personalities, appearance, speech habits etc. Get to know them very well.
This will also help in dialogue writing.

Description:
You need to up the amount of description in this. Try to show us things, instead of stating events that happened. A story is more than a collection of events. Describe the scene, places, emotions, etc. Go ahead, and try experimenting with words.

So, yes, this needs to be edited. But what I think will really help you out is to write a bunch of shorts to get your grammar right and then focus on longer pieces. You can also read some stories here, to get an idea of how to go about stroywriting. PM me if you need help on anything I've said in particular.

Cheers,
~Lava

Okay everybody! So I've edited this chapter for the first time, what do you think? Is it better than before, I had some changes in dialog and I added some more detailed information, it increased the length a little but though but I think it it better this way.

If you think I should make some more edits I would love to have your recommendations. Thanks for the help you provided me till yet.

-Chetan

I loved all of it but it started to get confusing at this part:
"Kelly! You’re right, it was different with us. But don’t you worry about it; I will talk to Steward about it. It’s already late; you go and get some sleep we will talk about this later.” I replied her

I was a little shocked though but I didn't have time to think about myself as Kelly was much upset about this which was clear through her face.

"Hey! Kelly, I told you not to worry about it, you did great job telling me about this now it is me who will take care of it. Don't worry, even if there is something wrong I will take care of it, take some rest, you need it. We'll talk about this later. Okay?" I tried convincing her. (You are repeating a thought again and the "Now it is me who will take care of it, no one speaks like that. but you say right after "Don't worry, even if there is something wrong I will take care of it" which makes more sense but you just said the same thing twice. "take some rest" i think you meant "get some rest"?)

"Okay!” Kelly replied, "Thanks, you take some rest too. Good night!"

It just didn't flow but your writing has improved.