Mr. Johns (Part One)

Mr. Johns~

The chair was cold and hard, lines of dried brown blood staining the metal legs. The room was pitch black and dead quiet, the girl limp in sleep, still naïve of her current state. Duct tape was wrapped tightly around her mouth, the rope binding her arms and legs to the chair. Her breath came quickly threw her nose, her dream mind unsure of why her soft, downy bed was replaced with this unpleasant stiff chair.

Her eyes suddenly blinked open and once she felt the ropes and tape stealing her freedom, she immediately panicked, head twisting side to side, eyes frantically looking for a source of light. Her muffled screams apparently attracted someone’s attention because a door she hadn’t known was there opened and a man stepped in. The small beam of light from the door illuminated his short black hair, clean button-down shirt and Harry Potter like glasses. He pushed the door closed and flipped the light switch on, casting a greenish fluorescent light on the room.

“Good morning, Stefanie”

Stefanie? Who was Stefanie? Her name was Arianne, not Stefanie. She stared up at him, confused at his bright smile and big, happy eyes.

“How are you doing, Stefanie? Well?”

She shook her head back and forth, then attempted to get out of the chair again. He smiled down at her with a condensing look on his face, like she was a puppy who had broken a vase. The man pulled a stool from the dingy, floral wallpaper covered wall and sat on it.

“Oh, you want to get out? I don’t think that’s possible right now, Stephanie, but I can take this tape off your mouth. Would you like that?”

She nodded and he bent down and ripped the tape off in one quick jerk. Tears welled up in the girl’s eyes as the sting from the tape burned her lips. A single tear dropped off her face and she looked down, not wanting to see the strange man anymore.

“Just like a bandage. I‘m sure you have some questions, Stefanie.”

She licked her lips and turned up, speaking for the first time.

“Who are you? Where am I?” She asked in her little girl voice. The man jumped out of the chair and knelt down, still smiling that happy-go-lucky smile.

“My name is Mr. Johns. You are at your new home.”

“B-but I don’t want to live here. I wanna go home” She stuttered, tears spilling out of her doe brown eyes.

“It’s okay Stefanie, you’ll be happy here. You’ll have lots of brothers and sisters. They’re all in the play room right now. Do you want me to call one in?”
Arianne nodded reluctantly, still not trusting this new Mr. Johns. He stood up and walked out of the room, returning a couple minutes later with a little girl with thick black hair and blue-green eyes.

“This is Susan. She’s nine just like you and has been living here for 5 years.” He said. Susan had a grin on her face as she too smiled down at Arianne.

“I love living here. It’s so much fun! I have 6 brothers and 14 sisters. I’ll have 15 sisters now that you’re here!” Susan said happily. She glanced up at Mr. Johns, who was smiling endearingly at Arianne.

“Can I go back out and play, Mr. Johns?” She asked. Mr. Johns nodded and pointed her to the door. At the last second though, as Mr. Johns was closing the door, Susan’s grin disappeared and a look of pure fear crossed her face. She mouthed a word to Arianne, something like ‘Run’ before the door shut in her face. Mr. Johns frowned for the first time and his fists clenched in anger.

“Mr. Johns?” Arianne asked, still tied up in the blood tainted chair. He took a deep breath and turned to her, Ken-doll smile back in place.

“Yes, Stefanie?”

“Why do you keep calling me that? Stefanie? My name is Arianne.”

Mr. Johns suddenly jerked towards Arianne and whipped out something silver out of his jeans pocket. He pressed the switchblade against Arianne’s dirty cheek and drew a thin line of blood.

“Arianne is dead. You are Stefanie now”

jasminebells wrote:Mr. Johns~

The chair was cold and hard, lines of dried scarlet blood staining the metal legs. The room was pitch black and dead quiet, the girl limp in sleep, still naïve of her current state. Duct tape was wrapped tightly around her mouth, the rope binding her arms and legs to the chair. Her breath came quickly threw her nose, her dream mind unsure of why her soft, downy bed was replaced with this unpleasant stiff chair.

Her eyes suddenly blinked open and once she felt the ropes and tape stealing her freedom, she immediately panicked, head twisting side to side, eyes frantically looking for a source of light. Her muffled screams apparently attracted someone’s attention because a door she hadn’t known was there opened and a man stepped in. The small beam of light from the door illuminated his short black hair, clean button-down shirt and Harry Potter like glasses. He pushed the door closed and flipped the light switch on, casting a greenish fluorescent light on the room.

“Good morning, Stefanie”

Stefanie? Who was Stefanie? Her name was Arianne, not Stefanie. She stared up at him, confused at his bright smile and big, happy eyes.

“How are you doing, Stefanie? Well?”

She shook her head back and forth, then attempted to get out of the chair again. He smiled down at her with a condensing look on his face, like she was a puppy who had broken a vase. The man pulled a stool from the dingy, floral wallpaper covered wall and sat on it.

“Oh, you want to get out? I don’t think that’s possible right now, Stephanie, but I can take this tape off your mouth. Would you like that?”

She nodded and he bent down and ripped the tape off in one quick jerk. Tears welled up in the girl’s eyes as the sting from the tape burned her lips. A single tear dropped off her face and she looked down, not wanting to see the strange man anymore.

“Just like a bandage. I‘m sure you have some questions, Stefanie.”

She licked her lips and turned up, speaking for the first time.

“Who are you? Where am I?” She asked in her little girl voice. The man jumped out of the chair and knelt down, still smiling that happy-go-lucky smile.

“My name is Mr. Johns. You are at your new home.”

“B-but I don’t want to live here. I wanna go home” She stuttered, tears spilling out of her doe brown eyes.

“It’s okay Stefanie, you’ll be happy here. You’ll have lots of brothers and sisters. They’re all in the play room right now. Do you want me to call one in?”
Arianne nodded reluctantly, still not trusting this new Mr. Johns. He stood up and walked out of the room, returning a couple minutes later with a little girl with thick black hair and blue-green eyes.

“This is Susan. She’s nine just like you and has been living here for 5 years.” He said. Susan had a grin on her face as she too smiled down at Arianne.

“I love living here. It’s so much fun! I have 6 brothers and 14 sisters. I’ll have 15 sisters now that you’re here!” Susan said happily. She glanced up at Mr. Johns, who was smiling endearingly at Arianne.

“Can I go back out and play, Mr. Johns?” She asked. Mr. Johns nodded and pointed her to the door. At the last second though, as Mr. Johns was closing the door, Susan’s grin disappeared and a look of pure fear crossed her face. She mouthed a word to Arianne, something like ‘Run’ before the door shut in her face. Mr. Johns frowned for the first time and his fists clenched in anger.

“Mr. Johns?” Arianne asked, still tied up in the blood tainted chair. He took a deep breath and turned to her, Ken-doll smile back in place.

“Yes, Stefanie?”

“Why do you keep calling me that? Stefanie? My name is Arianne.”

Mr. Johns suddenly jerked towards Arianne and whipped out something silver out of his jeans pocket. He pressed the switchblade against Arianne’s dirty cheek and drew a thin line of blood.

“Arianne is dead. You are Stefanie now”

You're first two paragraphs are truly wonderful. There's perfect emotion, senses and fear.
Then the rest of the piece, I feel, sort of declined from that emotion.
Don't get me wrong, I find this guy totally insane, and I love this. Just work on getting the emotion back up.
Please contact me when you get out
~Kit

Hey Jasmine. Here as promised.

quote]The chair was cold and hard, lines of dried scarlet blood staining the metal legs.[/quote]This was a very intense beginning and it really made me want to read more. Good job!

Her breath came quickly threw her nose, her dream mind unsure of why her soft, downy bed was replaced with this unpleasant stiff chair.

Dream mind? I do understand well what you mean by this, but can't you use some more proper word here? Like Subconscious mind, or second mind? These words are the scientific words for what you want to say, and this would give a more mature look and aspect to your piece.

“How are you doing, Stefanie? Well?”

You know something? This was the exact time to tell us how the man's personality is, how he is speaking with her, and somewhat would reveal his aim, but that is if you want to tell us that now.

First of all, I just want to say that after quite some time I have sincerely liked a piece of yours. Maybe it was because you were just posting things in very short time. But this was really better, and it seems that you have got your Writer's Block sort of thing out now, don't get me wrong.

As for this piece, I would agree with Kit that it was much more intense and gripping as it started but slowly it lost its sheen and was reduced to a mediocre piece, though you can work on it, and improve it. You can add more emotions to the girl, and instead of everytime saying she cried like this and that, try to bring in more things. Just tell us that how exactly the fear is living inside her, and the various thoughts running down her mind. I think she is somewhat not sure how she landed up here, and if that is the case then tell how she's confused and at first thinks she is dreaming, and then as the time passes she is sure that it's much more that a simple dream. These are some small things that would give some weight to your story and make it more interesting.

As for a thing I have been telling you for like ages now, I want to say that everytime you have to tell some number, you type the digit instead of its number name. But you have not been listening to me. It is right at some places to do so, but at other places you should use number names. I hope you understand this.

Another thing I would like to tell you is that when a person is adressing another directly in a dialog, then we place a comma after the person's name if the name's in the beginning of the dialog, and before if the name is in the end.
For example:
"Judy, come here at once."
"She wants to come, too, David."

One thing more is that all the dialogs mostly by Mr. John were plain, like you didn't exactly tell us how he was saying this. You could have written the expression on his face, the tone in his voice, etc. These are just hints.

Otherwise, nit-picks aside, this story was really enthralling and I felt the concept was not totally original, but can be made into an epic, if you concentrate on the above listed points.

PM me for the next.

Have a great time,
Shubhi

Hello Jas, here to review!Sorry this took so long!

Overall Impression:
Excellent! It really did keep me going through the whole thing. I liked your use of dialogue, and your characters. The pacing was good and the beginning was beautiful. Now let me go into more detail...

Nitpicks:

Her breath came quickly threw her nose, Through, not threw

“Good morning, Stefanie.”

Why do you keep calling me that? Stefanie? My name is Arianne.”

It should either be:
Why do you keep calling me that, Stephanie? My name is Arianne.
Or
Why do you keep calling me that? Stephanie. My name is Arianne

Great, only three nitpicks!

Character:
Arianne (or Stephanie): I really liked the way you portrayed this character, however she seems a bit older then nine years old. Perhaps you could change this in her dialogue, and the way that she reacted after being tied up. At the momment, I don't think that many people can relate to her, but this is just the first chapter. Just make sure that in the next chapter you make her a bit more realistic.
Mr.Johns: I liked this character a lot too. Just the way that he was so mellow about the situation, quite realistic. So far his personality is consistent, so keep it up!

Plot so far:
The plot so far is very interesting and captivating, it definately worked for me. The whole idea of Stephanie being Arianne and Arianne being 'dead' is extremely exciting. It worked for me. Of course some things are still very unclear, but that's the point of the first chapter, so people can read on and get the questions answered. Here are a few of them that I'm thinking of now: Who is Mr.Johns and Why was Arianne or Stephanie tyed up?

Wording:
This piece did flow well most of the time, but an example of when it didn't was here:

He pushed the door closed and flipped the light switch on, casting a greenish fluorescent light on the room.

You repeated the word light, rephrase it a bit more.
I agree with Shubhi in saying that the dialogue was flat at times. The way you phrased everything was very good for this genre of story. It made quite a good read, except for the times when things were repeated.

Seriously, it's grat, PM for the next part!

~Tamara
xo

“Oh, you want to get out? I don’t think that’s possible right now, Stephanie, but I can take this tape off your mouth. Would you like that?”

The rest of the story has her called "Stefanie." Is this intended?

Also, you forgot to put a lot of punctuation! Don't forget punctuation in the dialogue! You're missing tons of periods and commas. Plus, when you have sentences like this:

“Who are you? Where am I?” She asked in her little girl voice.

It should actually be this:

“Who are you? Where am I?” she asked in her little girl voice.

Note the uncapitalized "she."

Anyway, the story!

First off, I found it strange that she didn't realize that she was duct-taped to a chair. It just seems odd and far-fetched. I am guessing that drugs are involved, but she would probably be a little woozy when she wakes up at first.

Also, she doesn't really act nine. In fact, she doesn't really act like any age... more like a strange mixture of ages. I mean, sometimes she seems really young, like five or so. Other times, she acts older. Like, the single tear dripping off. Besides the whole melodrama of the single tear (seriously... when I cry it's Niagra Falls) it shows that she is scared. But we really don't really know what she's scared of, which is probably not a good thing. I mean, obviously she should be scared, but is it because:

1. She's in a different place?

2. There is a creepy man looking at her?

3. She is tied up?

4. She thinks she'll never get home?

5. She is known as a different person?

6. She is being treated as a little girl?

7. She is being treated like a puppy?

8. The man is too nice?

9. She doesn't like the man?

10. She is vulnerable to the man?

You might be tempted to say that it's all of the above, since they are legitimate feelings! And probably, she feels scared for all of the above. But, if you want to develop her character, state which one frightens her the most. That will help us get a better gauge of her character and her maturity level. For instance, if I were to be in this position, the thing that would frighten me the most would be the vulnerability of myself to the man and his wishes. But then again, I'm 22 years old! Still, you would probably get a sense of what I am afraid of... and by showing off her fears, you get a sense of who she is by what she is afraid of and how she handles it, exactly.

...and that's my rambling character development rant for the night. XD

As far as the man goes, I find him utterly infuriating. I don't trust him AT ALL. I also would approve of his castration, should that come in question. I think he is either a child molester or a psychopath who will feed the children poisoned kool-aid. Or maybe some sort of brainwashing experiment? I don't know! All I know is I don't like him at all. I don't like how he collects children or how he babies them or whatever. And I especially don't like how he can coo and pretend everything's okay when Stefanie is friggin' tied to a chair. Um, no, it's not okay, you creepy bastard!

So yep.

Anyway, it's an interesting beginning! Let's see how it plays out, eh?

Haha, you're last paragragh was hilarious, Snoink. Thanks for the review!

Okay I swear to god I already reviewed this, but apparently not. Oh well.

The chair was cold and hard, lines of dried scarlet blood staining the metal legs

Dried blood ain't red love, it turns brown when exposed to the air, any kid whose had a bloody nose knows this.

The small beam of light from the door illuminated his short black hair, clean button-down shirt and Harry Potter like glasses.

EWWWWWW CREEPER CREEPER CREEPER.

The man pulled a stool from the dingy, floral wallpaper covered wall and sat on it.

This makes it sound sort of like the chair is IN the wall, maybe try 'away from'.

“My name is Mr. Johns. You are at in your new home.”

Arianne nodded reluctantly, still not trusting this new Mr. Johns.

Good Jas, good! The only thing is I'd like to see you bring out her innocence a little bit more, make us really feel fear for her. Other than that, it's pretty good.

~Hope