Chilli Peppers in the Sky: Prologe

Please Note: This story takes place in the mid 1800 century, in Brazil.

Margret Minchin leaped with excitement as the S.S. Taylor’s horn blared with joy as they landed in a Large crescent shaped bay, Margret noticed one side of the bay popped out further than the other, enclosing them from the vast ocean they had spent days on. Huge rainforest trees surrounded the bay and held up a strong canopy with flowers growing in all shapes and sizes. Birds chirped from the sound of the boats whistle and monkey’s yipped with joy. The whole land seemed happy by their arrival.

Margret stood close to her mother, her warm body enclosed Margret’s with a tight hug and a quick reminder of how much fun they would have. Margret didn’t feel ready, she had had to say goodbye to all her friends in family that were still in Britain. The thought of Charley, Samuel and David’s face made her cower, at the last Britannia Club meeting they had all had a sad time, having to say goodbye and as she had climbed down and out of the tree house her friends had all given her awful faces of despair and almost resentment. They knew she had no choose but to leave but they somehow still felt it her fault the club had one less member.

The S.S. Taylor came to a jolting stop as Margret almost toppled into her mother. Mrs. Minchin held her tightly and hugged her in again. It was comforting, thought Margret, but she couldn’t wait till she could settle in. This seemed like it really was a new earth, it didn’t have any buildings, or streetcars or even people, as she could see. It seemed like a barren land, with only her and the ten other people that came to civilize this place. To her it sure seemed like it was up her and the other to do so too.

“Mum” said Margret softly, “weres dad?” The question seemed to confuse her mom but only for a slight second as she redeemed her memory and forgot all that was clustering her mind.

“He is with the Captain” Mrs. Minchin started, “we won’t see him till tomorrow dear, he will be very busy, and it best be we don’t disturb him”

Once they evacuated the boat they were escorted though the jungle by a group of men. A small dirt trial had been made through the jungle to the headquarters and living area. The jungle trees seemed bigger than they had on the boat. Margret’s mind felt whittled by her surrounding, the birds seemed like rainbows and most didn’t even look like birds to her. The plants seemed to grow every second she looked at them some plants and bushes were bigger then herself.

“Don’t leave the group, there are savages here” The group gasped at that comment as they seemed to move along quicker at the thought of savages. Margret wondered, what was so bad about these “savages”. What are they anyway, she thought to herself, but even her mom hurried her along, so she thought to herself again that they must be bad.

They walked for about fifteen minutes until them reaches what seemed to be a castle. Large sandstone walls ran around a huge lot, ivy and ferns were growing up the sides which seemed to make it look old. Look-Out towers were on each side of the building, with what looked like small little men inside them and the gate was made of metal and tightly wounded, like a basket. Small circular windows lined the top of the walls, they all had wooden shutters on them and one seemed to look burned off. This made her curious. Maybe the savages did it?

WelcomingExeption

Hey!

OK, one thing that I noticed and which absolutely has nothing to do with the story side of the story (yeah... / to which I promise I'll get to, since that's always kind of more interesting than grammar) are those run-on sentences. Run-ons are sentences which continue on with a comma where a period should be, and have a dizzying and head-ache inducing effect on the reader.

Sentence no. 1, for example. Bay COMMA Margaret should have a period. I'm a horrid explainer, so maybe I should just shut up now =) Basically, use more periods, kill the commas. Google the run-on things, maybe. Anything's better than listening to me at this point!

One more grammarly things before story: little things, like „choose” instead of „choice”; „weres” instead of „where's”. And then sometimes quick typos made in the frenzy of writing (=)). Eh that smiley's horrid. So anyway,a quick read-through:

quote:
To her it sure seemed like it was up her and the other to do so too.
Up TO her? (yeah, nitpicky mood I'm in).

Well then, back to Margret. I think I like her character, though I can't seem to decide how old she is and that's bugging me a bit. Young lady, yes? How young? That'd affect the narration and world-view and descritpions and how I see them and I want to know! :p

Her emotions were passed on in a smooth way, and that was very good: reader knows how she's feeling without it being shouted in her ear and standing out so terribly. Rather, ah, delicately? I think I'd like to see her a bit more hmm out of her depth? New situation for her, etc. Mention of what she left was a superb idea (this thread will be continued later?).

I think that word-wise, this is lovely: adored the descriptions and how they were managed. This was the strongest part of the story and was really, really well-managed, and did I say I liked it? On the other hand, if what I have I do like, I'd like to see more of it: lengthened, prolongued a bit. Use more of those fantastically chosen words and don't hurry the action so! I'd like to see it unfold more gradually, more smoothly, not jumping from one place to another (right, that was an exaggeration, don't take it to heart – baseline, I'd like to see this be longer).

Perhaps a bit more references to her emotions in her actions (like that hug; the hug was fab and managed superbly!). So as she walks somewhere... That is one thing I'd liek to see more of but could be useful in the pacing? Ha, pacing, that's the word I've been searching for.

That prolonguing thing: you see, not a terrible lot happens here (well, prologue, so I'm not complaining: but treating it as a story:) and all the little elements that happen are written out. So, she takes that first step on land, a group of men comes to escort them, etc., etc. It's all written out. But those at time feel as bullet points. That 'men' thing, for example. So what, I think. I don't care at all, because they're just empty words. Mention a face, anything. That's the building around and it'll reduce the bullet-point effect.

And as much as descriptions are well-covered, dialogue is a scene on its own. Here, this is the weakest part simply because it's not as it's supposed to be, not even looking at the words inside! Punctuation! Punctuation! Really need to get the hang of this, because even visually it makes a story look better. Again, horrid explainer here, so I'll refer you to someone better: topic44898.html

The overall impression I got from this was very positive. There were more little problems than one big one, and the first is always better than the first. Dialogue needs to be corrected at all cost (and since it's not thaat hard, and every writer needs to know it...); grammar's grammar.... editors are for that haha (well, that was a silent laugh, and onlu you heard it). Why'd Margret have to leave? What's she doing here? - I do want to find out. The title's - mysterious haha

Thanks for posting,
Esme