Old Oak

This is a twist on a haiku. Enjoy:)


Down on the banks where the Old
Oak tree grows strongly
There was a little girl who
Sat there quietly
Waiting for her dearest love
To come and save her
For she was held by a spell
Which only he could
Save her from by his true love
He will come and save
Her from it so that they can
Forever love each
Other together, always
So down on the banks
Where that Old Oak tree does grow
Sits a little girl
Waiting for her dearest love

I like the rhythm you've chosen with the five and seven syllable lines, and I think it's a pretty story, even if it's a bit cliched.
Your grammar seems fine, but if I were you I'd put in some more punctuation to break it up a bit and stop it from becoming monotonous.

Waiting for her dearest love
To come and save her
For she was held by a spell
Which only he could
Save her from by his true love
He will come and save
Her from it so that they can
Forever love each
Other together, always

In this bit you are repeating yourself a lot. The words love and spell and save are there over and over and it becomes boring. I suggest that you shorten it to just a couple of lines, which would be enough to communite the message of this part of the poem.

You have really lovely ideas in this!
Keep writing!

-pigeon

campergirl wrote:This is a twist on a haiku. Enjoy:)


Down on the banks where the Old
Oak tree grows strongly
There was a little girl who
Sat there quietly
Waiting for her dearest love
To come and save her
For she was held by a spell
Which only he could
Save her from by his true love
He will come and save
Her from it so that they can
Forever love each
Other together, always
So down on the banks
Where that Old Oak tree does grow
Sits a little girl
Waiting for her dearest love

This was very cute!! I liked the simple fantasy tale of it. Reminded me of juliet waiting for Romeo/ Love Story by Taylor Swift.

I loved this: For she was held by a spell
Which only he could
Save her from by his true love
He will come and save
Her from it so that they can

I loved that part because it read like how a child would tell a story. Like this, "Only the guy can save her with his love. so he's going to save her because he loves her."
My favorite line: Other together, always. (i like how the comma is there. separating the always)
keep writing!