Flawless~2

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Gender Female
Points 5750
Reviews 76
2

I love my bedroom for a reason. It’s at the top of the house and I can ignore everything else in the house. I can hear a car pull up to the front of the house.
My dad’s moving out today. I can’t believ this is real.
“Hanna,” my daddy knocked on the door.
“Go ‘way.” I call, “I ain’t talking to you.” He opens my door and steps inside, tuning on my overhead light. I reach over and turn off my bedside light.
“What?” I ask, “I don’t want to hear about her.” He crosses his arms.
“Hanna Kyra Procter, you will not talk to your father like that.” Gilt overwhelms me.
“I’m sorry.” I say.
“Hanna, I didn’t come to say good bye,” he says. I stare at the ceiling.
“I want you to move out with me. You’ll love Tiffany. She has a daughter you’re age, Caroline.” he sits at the foot of my bed and
“I can’t leave my momma.” I say, “I can’t.” I cross my arms as my dad sighs.
“Just meet her, alright?” he asks, “just do this for me.”
“Fine.” I say, “I guess I could meet them.” He kisses me on the forehead.
“I love you.” He says. I smile involuntarily and wait until he shuts the door.
“Maybe you should just meet her.” Jaime says, “she can’t be bad.”
“Her name is Tiffany!” I say, “I’ve only been in Miami for two years, but I know that that name doesn’t sound good.”
Jamie sighs, “this wouldn’t happen down in Atlanta, would it?”
“No.” I say, “it wouldn’t.”
“Did you hear what Courtney’s doing? She’s writing doing every single thing she’s eating for the next five weeks.” Jamie says. I roll my eyes.
“She is perfectly thin.” I say, “she doesn’t need to change her look.”
“I’m going to do the same.” Jamie says.
“You are fine the way you are.” I say, “you don’t need to change that.”
“Look, I’ll talk to you later.” Jamie says quickly and hangs up the phone. I put my cell phone on my bed and head to my bathroom.
I stand on my mother’s bathroom scale. I don’t like the result.
I head back to my bed and bury myself under my covers.
When life hands you a BAD ROMANCE, pick up your TELEPHONE, call ALEJANDRO and JUST DANCE!




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Gender Male
Points 5238
Reviews 174
Very interesting. The overall format of this story was quite new to me. I liked how you described the actions of Hanna's father after dialogue and how you made him use your character's full name to command attention. The plot of the story is fairly clear. Hanna's father is moving out, and he wants to incorporate her into his new life with new people she may or may not yet be fond of.

My dad’s moving out today. I can’t believ this is real.


Correction: Just add an "e" after "believ", mistakes like this are fairly common but it never hurts to review twice.

Ultimately the potential is there for development, although I am very interested to read more and find out what happens to Hanna. The final scene however, felt a bit cliché but I am willing to overlook that considering this is a work in progress. Keep on writing.

Sincerely,
-Elitehusky




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Gender Female
Points 2421
Reviews 23
I'm following your story because it's interesting. So far I want to keep reading, but this last chapter seemed kind of weak to me. There are a few things that need to be corrected immediately. For instance, the reader doesn't find out that Hanna is on the phone until the end of the chapter. You have to keep your reader engaged, details like this are crucial if you're going to make the phone conversation between Hanna and Jamie important to the overall development of the novel.

Then there are obvious problems, like when Jamie says something like, "this wouldn't be happening down in Atlanta". That's probably an honest mistake, maybe you're from the north and are used to saying that, but if the story is set in Miami, it would be unnecessary and impossible, because Miami is below Atlanta. I'm sure you knew that, but in case you did't, I'd like to suggest that you do a bit of research about both cities. Even if you're familiar with both, it won't hurt. Add facts to fiction for a more realistic feel.

Another problem that I had with this chapter was Hanna's father, and his approach. The dialogue felt very artificial, it didn't seem natural at all. For one, that doesn't sound like the kind of conversation her father would have without her mother being present, for obvious reasons, and two, Hanna's emotions are very unclear. You've set it up for the reader to believe that she's perhaps depressed, or at least angry with her father, but she's willing to forgive him so easily.

And again, what does she look like?

This is coming along great! Hope this helped.
-From Gwen with Love-



I do all of the training for Walgreen’s cashiers.
— The Devil