Experiment: Failure (Chapter Two)

If you haven't read chapter one, you should do that first.

Chapter One- viewtopic.php?t=68232

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Days past by after that without very much action. My dad and I went into the basement three days later, fully armed and on high alert. We made sure the door upstairs was open in case we needed a quick escape, but all of our precautions were wasted. All there was to find of the vampire was its body, crumpled in a corner. My dad and I dragged it upstairs and threw it outside. Sure, it wasn’t very sanitary, but that’s what everyone did with dead vampires. And they seemed to disappear the next night.

One week later I sat down on the couch and flipped the TV to the news channel. The weather man finished and it returned to the anchorman, who gave a quick update on the vampire situation.

“Well, it was announced this morning that all public schools across the province have been closed due to an alarming jump in vampire numbers this weekend. Not only have the numbers grown, but the vampires seemed to have stopped fighting each other and are working together. People are encouraged to keep children home with supervision at all times, and only leave your home when necessary. Also, a seven o’clock curfew has been put out in major cities, including our own.” My phone vibrated in my pocket as the news switched to the war in Iraq, which had kept going since vampires were currently only in North America.

I opened my phone, smiling when saw that the message was from Bailey. She had simply asked if I wanted to go over to her house for a while before curfew. I glanced up at the clock, noticing it was almost six. Once a reply was sent, I let my dad know I was going out for a bit and grabbed my jacket, checking to make sure there was still a knife strapped to the inside.

I didn’t have my driver’s license yet, but it only took ten minutes to get to Bailey’s house by bike. Hurrying up to the doorstep, I rang the doorbell, glancing over my shoulder. Footsteps approached and the door slowly squealed open. My smile fell when I saw Bailey’s mom.

Bailey’s mom was usually the happiest and most energetic person I knew. She was almost fifty, but that didn’t stop her. She exercised daily and looked anything but old. Standing at the door, though, her mouth drooped into a frown, her shoulders slumped, and her eyes were watery.

“I’m, uh, here to see Bailey.” I said, feeling slightly awkward.

She nodded and opened the door to let me in. “She’s up in her room, but I’ll warn you, she isn’t exactly in the best mood.”

I nodded and pulled off my shoes. Bailey’s mom closed the door and went back off in the direction of the kitchen. I hurried up the stairs and knocked on Bailey’s door. Inside, I could hear quiet sobs, but no reply. I knocked again and opened the door, peering into her bedroom. Everything looked pretty normal except for the girl hunched over crying into her hands in the corner.

“Bail?” I asked, stepping closer. Bailey looked up when she heard my nickname for her, and she stood and rushed into my arms, her cries growing louder. I held her and moved us over to sit on the bed.

I rubbed her back as she wept into my shirt, kissing the top of her head occasionally. Eventually she ran out of tears, but she remained pressed against me. Finally she sat up and wiped her eyes.

“Matt...” She whispered, grabbing my hand.

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong, or are you not ready?”

Bailey closed her eyes and shook her head, but started telling me a few seconds later anyway. “My grandma, she was...working in her garden like she normally does. She went into her shed to grab some tools, but a vampire...it had made a home in the shed. As soon as she opened the door...” Bailey choked and started crying again. I pulled her back to me.

I realized how sad she must be. Bailey’s dad has disappeared when she was born and so her grandmother had taken care of Bailey when her mom went back to school for six years. Bailey had lived with her grandma for six years, making them really close.

I even felt a few tears slip from my eyes, remembering those times in middle school where me and Bailey, best of friends, would go running into her house to be met with the smell of fresh cookies, and then helping her grandmother with her prize winning garden.

“Matt, I don’t know what would happen if I ever lost you.” Bailey said, playing with my jacket’s zipper. I didn’t say anything, just pulled her closer. It was quiet for a few more minutes, but Bailey’s mom knocked and opened the bedroom door. Bailey didn’t notice her, and her mom just smiled at me.

“Matt, I think you have to leave now if you want to get home in time for curfew.” She said kindly. “I’ll just be downstairs if you need anything, Bailey.” She closed the door and I heard her footsteps going back toward the stairs.

I looked at my watch. It’s been forty-five minutes already? Bailey hugged me again, and I gave her a kiss before standing up. She stood up, too, and walked me downstairs.

“Thanks for coming over. It helped.” She smiled.

“Anytime you need me, I’m here.”

Bailey nodded and I left, making sure to close the door tightly behind me. I strapped on my helmet and hopped onto my bike. The sun was already starting to disappear behind the mountains, leaving the city dim. As I left Bailey’s driveway the streetlights blinked to life, lighting the street better. I was still thinking about Bailey so much that I didn’t notice the man almost falling over at the side of street until he jumped in front of my bike, sending me over the handlebars.

As soon as I had stopped rolling, I drew my knife, immediately jumping up into a crouch. The guy rolled over and gave me a frightened and pained look. Blood dripped down from his nose, and he spat a mouthful of it out onto the pavement.

“Kill me,” the man mumbled, surprising me. “Just kill me!” He closed his eyes and spat out another mouthful.

“W-why?” I stuttered. I stuttered. I was scared because I had no idea what was going on.

“It got me! Just kill me before it happens!”

“Uh, sir? What got you? What’s going to happen?”

His body convulsed and he cried out. Realizing what was happening, I almost fell over. The man had been bitten, and he was changing. His back arched off the road and his hands curled into fists so tight that it drew blood. I couldn’t move. I had imagined that the change would be bad, but I didn’t think it would be so horrible.

“Kill me,” He choked out, sending blood flying. “I don’t want to be one of them! Kill me!”

I managed to step over to him and bend over, holding my knife to his neck. He opened his eyes and stared up at me. His pupils were going crazy, growing and shrinking again, and he blinked constantly, breathing heavily. He cried out again as his body began shaking.

“Do it!” He almost shouted. I pressed harder on his neck and broke the skin, making him scream again. I wanted to kill him. He wanted to die, and if I didn’t, there would be one more vampire in the world.

But I couldn’t.

I had killed tons of vampires with no problem, but never a human. This man was still human, and I could see the humanity in his eyes. I million emotions filled his tears, mostly fear and sadness, but vampires didn’t have emotions. I couldn’t make myself kill him. I told my hand to move, but it remained still.

I made a decision right then that I would later regret. I did cowardly move and stood, slipping my knife back into my jacket and riding away as fast as I could. I heard the man yell behind me, but I made myself stop hearing. Tears burned my cheeks. People would die now, at it would be my fault. When that guy woke tomorrow morning, he would be thirsty. It wouldn’t matter that the sun would be high in the sky, he’d be absolutely parched. He’d kill, find somewhere dark to sleep for the rest of the day, then kill again the next night. And it was my fault.

I threw my bike onto the front lawn along with my helmet and bolted into my house, locking the door behind me. I ran upstairs without even taking off my jacket, the weight of reality finally hitting me.

My entire review just died. I was only halfway through, but still. I'll cut the introductions and get straight to reviewing this time around, I think. I mostly have nitpicks. *glares at computer*

Emotions

This chapter has a lot of emotion, which is one of the reasons I think it's better than the last one. I have a few suggestions regarding "highly emotional" scenes like these, though, as they're difficult to pull off well. You do a pretty good job of it here, though, especially with the final moments of the chapter.

It's very nitpicky, but don't fall into the abstract noun/adjectives trap.

The guy rolled over and gave me a frightened and pained look.

I was scared because I had no idea what was going on.

I realized how sad she must be.

It began to stand out to me after a while; you use a lot of short sentences with nouns and adjectives that just tell us about the emotion. Short sentences are useful in dramatic situations, but don't overuse them or the flow will slow to a trickle. There's nothing wrong with the occasional "sad" either, because there's only so many ways you can describe that, but in emotional scenes you often need a bit more. Matt is faced with someone dying in front of him, essentially. The man you're describing is the one actually dying, so surely he looks a bit more "devastated" than "pained". It's to do with the strength of your words; occasionally, work with something a little more powerful to really let your scenes hit home.

On an even smaller scale, I don't think you milk the ending for all its worth. I'm not quite sure about the importance of it, but Matt uses words like "regret" and seems to feel responsibility for what he's done. If that's the case, why is his actual decision to run away sandwiched in a large paragraph? It's a blink-and-you-miss-it situation. I suppose only you know whether that's an applicable issue.

Pace vs Characterisation

Pacing is not my strong point, I have to admit, but yours is throwing me off. There hasn't been an overarching conflict introduced yet, because as far as I can tell, the vampires - while affecting Matt - aren't solely his responsibility. I can't tell how important the ending of this chapter is, but these last two chapters have been Matt's life in general, from the sound of it. I would even consider merging them, as this might still work better as one long chapter rather than two shorter ones.

So we have the vampires. I love that you've stripped them back to what they were originally, in some older vampire fic, as I mentioned before. However, I'm still not relating to Matt's character. He seems to be thrust into these situations, deal with them, and move on. For an MC, he is oddly not the focus of this piece so far; you seem more concerned with showing us your world. That's fine, for now, but you eventually need to slot Matt in where he clearly has a function within the plotline. At the moment, he just seems to have happened upon this world and is living in it as best he can. He's a wallflower, in other words. Again, it's a nitpick that I assume you're solving in later chapters.

Typos and Dialogue Punctuation

What it says on the tin, really. Please proof-read before posting, as it helps both reviewers and casual readers get through your work. We notice typos usually, especially on a writers' forum, and it can trip us up. I think I spotted one in here, so have a look. I know proof-reading is not the most interesting of exercises, so if you find it really mind-numbing, try reading aloud. I actually find it's more effective in catching errors.

Dialogue punctuation is quite a common grey area around here, so I keep this article on hand. Your dialogue errors might fall under the typo category, but if not, that article will give you a few basics to work with and refer to while writing. I'll give you a quick example here, but there's no point me going through every little speech in here. I think you have to be able to correct yourself.

“Matt, I think you have to leave now if you want to get home in time for curfew.” She said kindly.

"Matt, I think you have to leave now if you want to get home in time for curfew," she said kindly.

The latter is the correct way of punctuating dialogue, as the speech tag continues straight on from the speech itself. That means you only need a comma and a lower case letter, because the whole of the speech is one sentence. It's further explained in the article I linked you to, but if you have any more questions, PM me and I'll try to give you a few more links and details.

Overall

Again, I really liked this. I think I'm clicking "like" on this one, because I enjoyed reading and reviewing this. Is this a first draft? I hope my advice helps you if and when you decide to edit.

- Jet.

Here I am Disturbed, Took my time, didn't I? Sorry about that. Had a lot of things to do, hehe.

And onwards to the critique...

Nit Picks

My phone vibrated in my pocket as the news switched to the war in Iraq, which had kept going since vampires were currently only in North America.

Wow, This is certainly a great line. It shows how the real government would most likely act in such a situation, however selfishly, or is it just me? o.O

“Bail?” I asked, stepping closer. Bailey looked up when she heard my nickname for her, and she stood and rushed into my arms, her cries growing louder. I held her and moved us over to sit on the bed.

I wonder if there's any significance in her nickname Just my ramblings i guess, hehe.

Bailey’s dad had hasdisappeared when she was born and so her grandmother had taken care of Bailey when her mom went back to school for six years. Bailey had lived with her grandma for six years, making them really close.

The last line seems a bit awkwardly written. Try writing it in another way, or play around with the words. It's only a suggestion.

I had killed tons of vampires with no problem, but never a human. This man was still human, and I could see the humanity in his eyes. I million emotions filled his tears, mostly fear and sadness, but vampires didn’t have emotions. I couldn’t make myself kill him. I told my hand to move, but it remained still.

Wow, this paragraph is written so well. You're showing us, the readers, how humans and vampires are different. Great work!

I did cowardly move and stood, slipping my knife back into my jacket and riding away as fast as I could.

I heard the man yell behind me, but I made myself stop hearing. Tears burned my cheeks. People would die now, at it would be my fault.

My inner instincts are already piecing up the various hints in the story. I have a idea of whats going to happen next but only a vague idea. It could be wrong and it could be right, hehe. Only time will reveal it.

I threw my bike onto the front lawn along with my helmet and bolted into my house, locking the door behind me. I ran upstairs without even taking off my jacket, the weight of reality finally hitting me.

I must admit, this is certainly a very good ending for your second chapter. It isn't an exact cliffhanger but it still makes the reader think a lot, thus making him read the rest. But I feel, a small vague feeling that tells me its a cliché. I'm not sure if this feeling is right or not, but it just comes to me. I think I've come across the sentence the weight of reality finally hitting me before several times. I'm not sure and I just wanted you to know. It's your choice if you want to change it or not and either was won't make the story bad. Even if it is a cliché I doubt it'll make your story dull or anything.

Other

I can't say much about the plot since its not very made out yet. I suggest yo get on with it, not in a harsh way, but in a if you don't get oon with it soon, the readers will get bored way. You've successful shown us the world that your character lives in so far and now the readers have a fairly got idea of it. I think its time for you to move on ^^

I see that this chapter contains more emotion in it. But to me it still feels a little lacking. There are certain points in the story where your MC and the other characters show only a small amount of emotion for very emotional things. For example as Jet pointed out (again, ) the turning of the man at the end. I don't need to point out what Jet did in his post so I'm going to point out the other mistakes that I see.

His body convulsed and he cried out. Realizing what was happening, I almost fell over. The man had been bitten, and he was changing. His back arched off the road and his hands curled into fists so tight that it drew blood. I couldn’t move. I had imagined that the change would be bad, but I didn’t think it would be so horrible.

No. This is bad, but not horrible. In scenes like these, you should really try to make written word into a picture, showing and not telling. Use imagery, make it more horrible; I mean, you've already made it clear that a Vampire was a evil soulless being so imagine the process where a soul would be wrenched out of a Vampire body. Imagine its painful and terrible nature. Then write it.

I managed to step over to him and bend over, holding my knife to his neck. He opened his eyes and stared up at me. His pupils were going crazy, growing and shrinking again, and he blinked constantly, breathing heavily. He cried out again as his body began shaking.

Thinking about what you said in your previous paragraph, about his body convulsing and all, i doubt he'd be able to just keep his head stationary. And you've also mentioned that his body was shaking again, in which case his skin would already have been at least cut open by the time he finished shaking.

“Do it!” He almost shouted. I pressed harder on his neck and broke the skin, making him scream again. I wanted to kill him. He wanted to die, and if I didn’t, there would be one more vampire in the world.

Again, here too, if he is going through such a horrible process, his whole body convulsing and shaking in pain, do you really think he would scream to such a trivial thing as a small cut on the neck? I doubt it, but you may be wanting to make a point which I cannot see. In which case, your point, is sadly invisible to me, hehe.

This man was still human, and I could see the humanity in his eyes. I million emotions filled his tears, mostly fear and sadness, but vampires didn’t have emotions.

No no no, this is exactly what Jet pointed out before, only in a different place.

Overview

All in all, again, i really liked your story. The concept of turning, is still the same, but its more to a traditional angle. I really liked how you've showed your MC. His act of running away from the man who's being turned really shows us his personality and honestly shows us how humans differ from vampires. Great work Disturbed (great name by... wait, haven't i already told you this o.O). Keep it up, I'm looking forward to reading the rest

-Fire-

Thanks for all the help, guys, but unfortunately I won't be able to do much with the story for a while because I recently got a job and it's been really crazy and busy, but I'll get the next part up as soon as I can ^_^

Wow, It seems as though I'm the only unemployed writer in the whole of YWS xD. :sigh:, Oh well, post when possible Disturbed, you know your fans will be waiting patiently ^^ .