Experiment: Failure (Prologue-Chapter One)

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Prologue

Why do we humans feel the need to push things too far? Why do we need to change nature and experiment when things are perfectly fine the way they are? I will probably never know the answers to these questions, but for whatever reason we do it, it has always been a mistake.

And now we may have pushed it too far. The end of the human race may be quickly approaching due to one big failed experiment with a new invention. Unlike in the movies, though, that invention is not robots attempting to overthrow the human race.

It’s vampires. Not exactly the same as the ones as in the stories, but pretty close. They drink blood and are repelled by the signs of the Lord. Sunlight can touch them, but they are nocturnal so they only come out at night anyway.

It started with a scientist who discovered a way to change a human’s DNA structure to give them the characteristics of a vampire with a couple simple injections. It was useless information, but the human need to change things for the worse took over and they started paying people who needed the money to get the injections as a test.

They thought the creatures would be controllable.

They were wrong.

Chapter One

I crouched under the table in my dark basement, covering my mouth with my right hand in an attempt to muffle my heavy breathing. Tears poured silently down my cheeks and my nose was running, but there was no way I was going to sniff and make noise. A large cooking knife was gripped tightly in my left hand, ready to stab if I was attacked. The only light came from the open door at the top of the stairs, and I was just able to make out the silhouette of a man at the foot of the stairs.

Only, it wasn’t a man.

It was a monster, someone whose soul had been taken in mankind’s attempt to understand things we didn’t need to know.

“Come out, little boy. I know you’re down here. I just want to talk.”

The voice was raspy and the thing choked a little at the end. It was thirsty. Really thirsty. As soon as it found me, it would lose control and attack, meaning I would have only one chance. The vampire began walking to the left, his boots tapping on the cold concrete floor.

Luckily the injection didn’t kill the people, meaning they still had blood flowing and vital organs. Any wound that would kill a human would kill a vampire, too. The only thing was that just because they had a beating heart, it didn’t mean they had emotions. They were evil, nasty beings that had once been innocent people.

I couldn’t see the vampire, but I could hear its footsteps. I calculated my chances of surviving if I made a dash for the stairs, but the numbers came back small so I decided to stay put. I heard boxes being moved around to my left, and I tensed as its desperate search slowly moved closer to my hiding place.

The boots stopped right in front of the table I was under, and it started checking the boxes on top of the table. Taking my chance, I kicked right where its knees should be and heard a satisfying roar of pain as it went down, clutching its legs.

It reached out for me, but I quickly slashed its hand and as it recoiled I crawled quickly out from under the table. It made an inhuman hissing noise, but I was already at the stairs. I scurried up the stairs and slammed the door at the top, turning the lock. Running to the cabinet down the hall, I grabbed a small wooden cross necklace that had been my grandmother’s. I returned right as the vampire threw itself against the door, growling. I slipped the cross under the door, hoping it would work. Still holding the string, I waited. The vampire wouldn’t be able to see it, but his bat-like senses would tell him something was there. There was a tug on the string, a howl of pain, and I heard the vampire tumble backwards down the stairs. I quickly opened the door and hung the necklace on a nail conveniently placed in the middle of the door and slammed it closed again.

Anything having to do with God hurt the vampires. They were freaks, things that should have never been. God frowned upon them, and apparently everything having to do with him or religion did, too.

I dropped the knife to the ground and collapsed onto my knees, breathing heavily. The vampire would starve within the next day or two, and then I could throw its body into the streets to rot. Using my shirt’s sleeve, I wiped sweat off my forehead and stood, picking the knife up again. Once the knife was returned to its place on the counter, I turned to glare out at my quiet house.

Where the hell was my family? I had been in the basement searching for something when I heard a window break upstairs. I had gotten under the table and stayed there, finding a kitchen knife in a box beside me. Thank God we weren’t finished moving yet.

I grabbed the phone, only then noticing the vampire blood on my hand. I ignored it and dialled my mom’s cell phone number.

“Hello?” Came my mom’s sweet and unconcerned voice.

“Where in the world are you guys?!” I almost shouted into the phone.

“We just went to the store quickly to grab some more food. You seemed busy with that project, so we thought we’d leave you alone. I left a note on the kitchen table.” I glanced at the table and, sure enough, there was a small note. “Matt, is everything alright?”

I sighed, wiping my forehead again. “Yeah, you know, I’m perfectly okay. I was just attacked by a freaking vampire, but it’s no big deal.”

What? Oh my goodness! We can shop later! We’ll be right home! Don’t move! Stay quiet! Oh my god, I’m such a horrible mother...”

“Mom! Mom! Mooooom! It’s okay. I managed to lock it in the basement. It was already hungry, so it shouldn’t last too long down there.”

There was silence for a few seconds. “Okay, but we’re still going to hurry. I want you to keep a weapon on yourself at all times, just in case. I don’t like having those things in the house.”

We said our goodbyes and I hung up, rolling my eyes. I was sixteen. I’d handled vampires before, but my mom treated me like I was five. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror across from me, realizing how sad it was that my childhood had been spent in fear. I had killed my first vampire when I was thirteen, and had been doing it a couple times every year since. The vampire numbers were beginning to grow.

The unfortunate thing about the injection was that the body copied it a million times and all the vampire’s fluids were full of it. If a vampire bit you, there was a fifty percent chance of it being transferred, almost like an STD, except you didn’t have to do the nasty to get it. Once the fluid (which was referred to as The Venom) was in you, there was no way of getting it out. Over night your soul would die and you’d begin craving blood.

The elderly had gone first. Too weak to defend themselves, many had already been killed. Young children were second. Teenagers were beginning to go down in number, too, and I had to work hard to keep my body in peak condition. Shoving a pocket knife into my jeans’ back pocket, I returned to my textbook and school project. Vampire numbers weren’t big enough yet that schools had been closed, but people suspected they would all be shut down in the near future.

But as I returned to my notebook, the first thing on my paper that I saw was a small heart in the top left with the name Bailey written inside. I smiled to myself and pulled out my cell, quickly sending a text message to my girlfriend.
~~DisturbedDisorder~~

I am a little more provocative then you might be..
It's your shock and then your horror on which I feed..
So can you tell me what exactly does freedom mean..?
If I'm not free to be as twisted as I wanna be..!?

-Divide, Disturbed




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Here for a review. I'll split this into a couple of categories dealing with my main points.

Purpose of the Prologue

You rarely need a prologue, and I'd say that here, you don't need it. Your first chapter establishes your character, and gives us a bit of tension and action to work with. In fact, the reveal of vampires works much better when you don't just tell us about it in that opening section. That information about the vampire weaknesses isn't totally necessary to the reader in the first minute of reading your story, especially as you repeat most of it anyway in the following chapter. Like Matt, we want to have to learn as we go about the vampires rather than go armed with a basic summary of the problem.

The other purpose of the prologue is as a hook, and again, I don't think it's necessary. As we go straight into the first chapter with some action, I'm immediately hooked by Matt's predicament and how well he deals with the vampire. We understand that this is a growing problem by his own admission and his ability to fight the vampire, and we see its weaknesses through his actions rather than through your narration. That's much better than the way you tell us in the prologue, and it keeps us interested. In short, I strongly advise you cut the prologue. It's not needed.

Your Vampires

It's great that you've brought back the fear of the cross, which is becoming an underused vampire trait these days. How has that affected the world's religions, though? It's a bit of an awkward point in my mind, which is perhaps why it was dropped. I'm not sure why the vampires are nocturnal if sunlight doesn't affect them, though. I'm also somewhat confused as to who this scientist is, the one who's mentioned in the prologue. Is he going to feature later? I can't see what would drive someone to investigate a "real vampire" injection. It's also an interesting twist to see these vampires alive, rather than undead. I can't comment too much on this area as your excerpt is so short, but I brought it up because vampire stories have a tendency to slip into cliché with Twilight being so big at the moment. Your vampires seem to have more in common with the I am Legend variety - if you haven't read it, I'd really recommend it to you.

Language

Mostly fine, but a few words seem out of place, like "nasty". It's too childish for your character. Grammar and punctuation are generally okay as well. If you want me to nitpick, PM me and I'll do so, but as this is quite short it seems unnecessary.

Overall

I enjoyed this, actually. The vampires haven't become a plague yet and it seems that everything's under control if even a 13 year old can kill them. I'd suggest you don't bring up the murder of the elderly and young children at the end, but leave it to be shown - maybe a relative dies? I hope you continue with this and post more later on.

- Jet.




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Hey Disturbed (nice name by the way, leaves a kinda aftertaste in the mouth which makes me want to keep reapeating it over and over again, hehe) Guess who, its your friendly neighborhood fire, hehe.

So without further stalling I'll get into the review.

Nit Picks

Prologue



Yup. I have to agree with Jet on this one. A prologue is used rarely is used, most of the time, to increase the mystery or suspense in a novel (as far as i know). In this case you've just started your story by giving us a basic summary of your story. You could use some of it in your blurb (if this is a novel) but for a prologue, it does not fit in. Nonetheless, I will review it.

And now we may have pushed it too far. The end of the human race may be quickly approaching due to one big failed experiment with a new invention. Unlike in the movies, though, that invention was isnot robots attempting to overthrow the human race.


Many writers tend to do this mistake. They start in present tense or past tense and then revert to another tense at the middle of the story.

It’sIt was vampires. Not exactly the same as the ones as in the stories, but pretty close. They drankdrinkblood and were arerepelled by the signs of the Lord. Sunlight could cantouch them, but they were are nocturnal so they only come out at night anyway.


Okay, so whats the point being nocturnal if sunlight can't harm them? Just a curious question. Is it something to do with their eyesight?

It started with a scientist who discovered a way to change a human’s DNA structure to give them the characteristics of a vampire with a couple of simple injections. It was useless information, but the human need to change things for the worse took over and they started paying people who needed the money to get the injections as a test.


Okay, so I don't get the italicized part. What information? What do they need to change? this one just confuses me. Try rearranging the words a little, it might make sense then.


Again, I have to say you started your story like a movie usually starts. Where they give a basic prologue and then carry on with the movie. Unfortunately this isn't a movie so you shouldn't give away so much valuable information to the reader so soon.


The only difference thingwas that just because they had a beating heart, it didn’t mean they had emotions.


Anything having to do with God hurt the vampires. They were freaks, things that should have never been. God frowned upon them, and apparently everything having to do with him or religion did, too.


I'm not against this idea or anything but historically and conceptually the idea that the cross or anything to do with God could hurt vampires was actually because allegedly a human soul's faith could hurt the soulless Vampire. i.e if you were a faithless Christian who didn't believe in God then the cross was just a piece of metal or wood. In which case if an atheist had a cross and used it against a Vampire it wouldn't work. This is why most novels don't use this concept anymore, because then all the other religions would become redundant, more or less. So if you are going to use this extremely overlooked and old idea, then you had better have scientific or reasonable explanation for them in your story later on (that is if your going to continue this as a novel).

I had killed my first vampire when I was thirteen, and had been doing it a couple of times every year since.


The unfortunate thing about the injection was that the body copied it a million times and all the vampire’s fluids were full of it.


Do you mean cells? or organs? Be a little more specific, otherwise, it may become confusing for the reader.

If a vampire bit you, there was a fifty percent chance of it being transferred, almost like an STD, except you didn’t have to do the nasty to get it.


The character is sixteen, do you really think he'd think - Ironically Mature content warning -
Spoiler
sexual intercourse
was nasty?

Vampire numbers weren’t big enough yet for thatschools to be had beenclosed, but people suspected they would all be shut down in the near future.


Setting

I can't comment much on the setting except that the human population seems to be exceptionally calm even though the vampire numbers are rising. I understand that everyone should be safe if a mere thirteen year old can kill one but what if this mere thirteen year old just had a lucky break? Wheres the army and the emergency 'vampire attack box' (instead of the fire extinguisher) where the weapons are kept :P

Anyway, so the setting again seems fine but you do have some holes in it. The ones I just explained and several other minor holes like - a soulless being having the ability to speak - which personally seems a little weird.

Other

Again, even the characters seem calm. For example my mom, even if I were twenty years old would make more of a fuss about me instead of just saying - 'okay keep a weapon close to you, i'll be back soon'. Thats my personal opinion so you don't have to think about it a lot, i'm just commenting.

Overview

I really liked that you've brought up the more traditional image of vampires instead of having a clichéd plot and story-line like Twilight. Your bringing up of the Cross being able to hurt vampires is also interesting, so is the removal of the 'sunlight burns the skin' trait. Although the trait is one of the only reasons why vampires are nocturnals. which is why i asked about it above.

Anyways, as i was saying I really liked your originality. I've been looking for something like this for a while, something that goes against the Twilight vampire. I will certainly be looking forward to the rest of the story, if you do write more.
So, great work Disturbed (did i tell you that was a great name?), keep it up!

-Fire-
--
Who is not Insane one man ask, the answer being a fool.
Are you Insane the same man asks, - "Oh yes!. The Mad Hatter being saner!"




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Firestalker wrote: I really liked that you've brought up the more traditional image of vampires instead of having a clichéd plot and story-line like Twilight. Your bringing up of the Cross being able to hurt vampires is also interesting, so is the removal of the 'sunlight burns the skin' trait. Although the trait is one of the only reasons why vampires are nocturnals. which is why i asked about it above.

Anyways, as i was saying I really liked your originality.

I can agree with that. Hey Disturbed. This is really intresting. I think a lot of the things that need to be covered are already... Sorry I can't be very helpful at this part.
~Ladypurple
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Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises.
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