Home In The Clouds

*I'm not sure if this would make much sense to you guys, but It means a lot to me*

Shivers and chills run down my spine,
When your eyes are locked on mine.
It's so hard to look away,
When the daylight doesn't ever stay.
When I see your face,
There's not a thing that I would change.
How am I supposed to get better,
now that I've had the best?

Now she's decided that,
This isn't the life that she wanted.
She slept through the night,
Never woke up again.
She thought it'd be best that she left,
But it's just made me a mess.
All I can think about is that girl!

All these cloud are following me,
raining, and pouring, and washing me clean.
I'm over you now,
at home in the clouds,
Towering over your head.

The mood of the poem is something I quite like. It's wistful and introverted, but hopeful and optimistic at the same time. I like the "Shivers" of "Shivers and chills run down my spine" but I think that instead of saying "chills" you can elaborate on the shivers, it is personal preference however. For the second stanza, "Now she's decided that, this wasn't the life she wanted" I don't believe you need the comma for it to flow correctly. The fact that "Now she's decided that" is on a different line than "this wasn't the life she wanted" gives the appropriate break. The last stanza I love, especially the "raining, and pouring, and washing me clean." It's a thoughtful, beautiful line. Again, changes depend on your personal preference, but I hope it has helped.

sincerely and lovingly and faithfully I hope,
leadinglady149

Hello

I get the poem and I like what you are trying to stay. I liked your first line a lot and I think it is a very good start for any poem and sets a solid mood for the piece, which you managed to maintain throughout t he poem, so bravo.

My nit picks.

The first for lines were in rhyming couplets which I did not like, I think it made the poem more silly and less serious. What I did not like even more was the fact that you switched to non-rhyming after. Not good.I kinda drifted after the first stanza because of this and had to refocus myself. Then you had the odd rhyme in places and it got confusing. My advice for this, is to go through the poem and get rid of the rhyme, as rhyming does not really fit the emotion behind the piece.

You need another stanza I feel. The first two seem close together in their time frame and then you jumped to the last stanza and I was like what happened there. I would put another stanza before the last one to bridge the gap .Just a thought.

This poem has true potential and I have commented because I want to read it again if you make some edits to it.

PM me for anything to do with the piece!

Keep writing.

~Retro Disco666

It would be better if this poem consisted of more than lines from Owl City, Virgin Prunes, etc.

*Locked*

Plagiarism.