Untitled...ideas?

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* sorry it's kinda boring it's only the beginning prologue part, the second part will be up soon I hope that one will be more entertaining!*


I stepped out of my small brick house and walked down the sidewalk heading toward the park. It was a beautiful summer night in Kentucky, with a warm breeze that tickled the hairs on your arms, I was walking down my street that was now only illuminated by the street lamps that lined the block.
I was on my way to meet three of my best guy friends that I hadn’t seen in forever (yes guy friend not boy friend)! I hadn’t seen them since 6th grade, and a lot had changed since then. Now we were all fifteen and probably looked and acted a lot different. High school changes people, I just hoped that they changed for the better.
I reached the edge of the baseball field and looked up to try and scope out where they were, which was difficult in the dark. I couldn’t find them so I called up Jarrod.
“Hey Caroline! What’s up?” He said in a very enthusiastic voice.
“Hey I’m at the park, where should we meet?” I smiled as I talked, It just felt so good to be talking to him. Then I heard a rustling noise through the phone. “Hello? Are you still there?”
“ CAROLINE!” A voice screamed at me, it defiantly wasn’t Jarrod.
“Andrew?” Andrew wasn’t defiantly the most energetic out of the bunch.
“I haven’t heard your voice in forever!”
“Aww, I miss you too!” I said kind of sarcastically.
“Who said I missed you?” This was a different voice, a much deeper voice that I couldn’t make out who I was talking to.
“Who is this? Where’d Andrew go?”
“Haha Caroline, It’s me Marty!”
“Oh my gosh, you sound so different!”
“Yea well, that’s what time does to ya,”
“So where are we meeting?”
“AH!” a voice yelled, not from in the phone, but from behind me. I shrieked. I turned around to see four guys standing behind me. Marty, Jarrod, Andrew….and some other kid I didn’t know.
“Not funny!” I said still a little shaken from being scared. Jarrod held out his fist for me to pound and I was about to move my hand but then Andrew said,
“That is no way to greet a girl you haven’t seen in forever!” He remarked as he walked up to me and gave me a hug, tilting me side to side as he squeezed my back.
“Yup your still the same old Andrew,” I said as we moved apart.
Then Marty walked up to me without saying anything and gave me a small hug, as we embraced he whispered in my ear “I really missed you” He was always the emotional one.
“Aww I missed you too!” I said looping my arm around his back pulling him closer to me, and resting my head on his shoulder. “I missed all of you guys!”
Jarrod didn’t even try to give me a hug, since he was the shy one, so I walked up to him and said “Why don’t I get a hug?” Holding my arms out to him. He smiled and hugged me, and then he held me at arms length as if he was inspecting me and said, “You’ve really changed Car,”
“Yea well you have too,” I said with a smile that I just couldn’t wipe off my face.
I stepped back and looked at all of them standing there wondering who the other guys was. “Who’s this?” I asked and nodded toward the guy, who was by the way, very good looking.
“That’s Aaron,” Jarrod said.
“Oh a friend of yours?”
“Yup,” Marty replied.
I turned toward Aaron and said, “How did you get stuck with them?”
“Haha,” He laughed back, “I really have no idea,” He said flipping his gorgeous blond hair, not to mention his stunning green eyes!
“Wait, what? Hey!” Andrew said confused. “Oh your gonna get it Caroline!”
“Oh really?”
“Yup” He said walked toward me.
“Is this the part where I run away?” I said, but I didn’t turn around quick enough because Andrew scooped me up and slung me over his shoulder. “Put me down!” I screamed while punching his back trying to get free.
“You can struggle all you want but I’m not putting you down,” I looked back and saw everyone cracking up, I must look ridiculous!
“Fine, you win!” I said and stopped struggling. “Stop laughing guys, this isn’t funny!” He finally put me down when we reached the middle of the baseball field. I gave them all dirty looks.
“I think she needs another hug, guys,” Andrew said and they all closed in on me, except for Aaron who stood out side of the “circle of hugging” awkwardly.
“Ok guys, you are crushing me!”
Last edited by KAH on Fri Aug 13, 2010 12:39 am, edited 4 times in total.
Dreams don't always have to exist while the sun's down and your eyes are shut.




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Awwww. Now look what you did. This made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and I don't think the spiders in my heart liked the sudden burst of sunlight. Hehe.

Anyway. I liked this a lot, Kah! Despite myself, because usually I run screaming at the first sight of first person teenage romance plots. But without any further delay, onto critique.

My first suggestion is that you add in some setting details and action around all the dialogue. It'll help your readers orient themselves in the story. So, for instance, what you could do is describe the park some while Caroline is on the cell phone with these guys. Not a lot, but a bit here and there, maybe a sentence. And at the same time, you can intersperse other details, such as, maybe, why this group got separated and how Caroline's able to meet up with them now. Just a little bit goes a long way, like salt in cookie dough.

My other comments on the note of dialogue: commas, not periods!

As in, “I think she needs another hug, guys,” Andrew said. instead of “I think she needs another hug guys.” Andrew said. Same applies for most of your dialogue.

Also, you could use some commas in other places, too (such to separate a name or identifier from the rest of the sentence, e.g. "Stop laughing, guys!") If you'd like some help with making heads and tails of where commas go, just let me know. I'd be glad to help!

And... I think that's all I have for now. I need to go read something dark and scary. All the hugs and friendships and impending romance is gonna make me lose my edge. Hehe.

Rach

And... I think that's all I have for now
I don't fangirl. I fandragon.

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