Scarlet Killer~2

This is a change of prescpetive.



1




In life, there are some things you regret, some you forget, and some you can’t get your mind off of.
I was five years old when my mother attempted to clear my memory. They said it was to keep me safe from my country’s certain doom. Everyone believes it worked. It didn’t. I can remember every moment from my childhood, as though it were yesterday.
I was Alejandra of Elesoria, princess of Moriella.
Although it’s dark, I keep walking. I’m used it. I like the dark. It’s like a blanket that keeps me safe.
The twitter of a sparrow makes me look up. It’s a sweet, simple sound reminds me of the last thing my mother sang to me.
“Time for sleep, my darling girl, now is time for rest. As you sleep, just remember, mommy loves you best.” I mutter as I walk. I’m headed to the most southern border of Moriella, hoping for any type of cottage or house I could stay in.
I stop at a tree and put my pack down. I pull out a dark violet cloak and wrap it around myself. The I sit against the tree and fall asleep.


I slowly open my eyes, feeling cold. I look up at the sky, and feel a familiar tickle at the back of my head. The sky is full of black, dark clouds, and a red sun that gives off no heat. I scratch a temple as I stand up, trying to get rid of that little tickle. Then I sling my pack back on and being to walk again.
As I walk, my feet begin to howl with agony. I roll my eyes and sing under my breath. It’s a distracter for the pain.
I see a little cottage up a head and begin to run, letting my heart rate increase. I’m gasping for breath as a reach the log cabin. It looks much bigger then from atop the hill I was standing on. I hold my breath and knock anyway.
A tall woman with auburn hair and a sharp face answers the door. She gives me a cold glare.
“What?” she asks. I smear the back of a hand over my face, trying to remove the layer of dirt.
“I need a place to stay.” I say, “I don’t have anywhere to stay, and I haven’t eaten in so long.” She gives me a cold once-over.
“You’ll have to tidy up and pull back your hair. But you’re hired.” She says tightly. I stare at her.
“Hired for what?” I ask. She steps aside to let me in. I step in and she shuts the door.
“My daughter is five years old. She needs a governess. You are hired.” She says, “My name is Guinevere. My husband is Joseph.”
“Alejandra.” I say.
“Welcome.” Guinevere says with a very thing smile. From up a set of stairs, I hear a yell.
“Mommy!” Guinevere smiles. I shudder. What did I just get myself into?

KitxKat wrote:This is a change of prescpetive.



1




In life, there are some things you regret, some you forget, and some you can’t get your mind off of.
I was five years old when my mother attempted to clear my memory. They said it was to keep me safe from my country’s certain doom. Everyone believes it worked. It didn’t. I can remember every moment from my childhood, as though it were yesterday.
I was Alejandra of Elesoria, princess of Moriella.
Although it’s dark, I keep walking. I’m used it. I like the dark. It’s like a blanket that keeps me safe.
The twitter of a sparrow makes me look up. It’s a sweet, simple sound that reminds me of the last thing my mother sang to me.
“Time for sleep, my darling girl, now is time for rest. As you sleep, just remember, mommy loves you best,” I mutter as I walk. I’m headed to the most southern border of Moriella, hoping for any type of cottage or house I could stay in.
I stop at a tree and put my pack down. I pull out a dark violet cloak and wrap it around myself. The I sit against the tree and fall asleep.


I slowly open my eyes, feeling cold. I look up at the sky, and feel a familiar tickle at the back of my head. The sky is full of black, dark clouds, and a red sun that gives off no heat. I scratch a temple as I stand up, trying to get rid of that little tickle. Then I sling my pack back on and being to walk again.
As I walk, my feet begin to howl with agony. I roll my eyes and sing under my breath. It’s a distractor for the pain.
I see a little cottage up a head and begin to run, letting my heart rate increase. I’m gasping for breath as a reach the log cabin. It looks much bigger then from atop the hill I was standing on. I hold my breath and knock anyway.
A tall woman with auburn hair and a sharp face answers the door. She gives me a cold glare.
“What?” she asks. I smear the back of a hand over my face, trying to remove the layer of dirt.
“I need a place to stay,” I say, “I don’t have anywhere to stay, and I haven’t eaten in so long.” She gives me a cold once-over.
“You’ll have to tidy up and pull back your hair. But you’re hired,” She says tightly. I stare at her.
“Hired for what?” I ask. She steps aside to let me in. I step in and she shuts the door.
“My daughter is five years old. She needs a governess. You are hired,” She says, “My name is Guinevere. My husband is Joseph.”
“Alejandra,” I say.
“Welcome,” Guinevere says with a very thing smile. From up a set of stairs, I hear a yell.
“Mommy!” Guinevere smiles. I shudder. What did I just get myself into?

Hey again KitxKat. First, a few other people and I talked about how you put a comma after someone says something in the other chapter. Like this:
"I love the smell of honey," she said.
It's different if there is and action after a sentence like this:
"I don't believe it." Ella sat back in her chair.
Hope that did't confuse you or anything.
Second, this seems interesting.
That's all I gotta say. Let me know when you post the next chapter.
~Ladypurple.

Hi KitxKat! 'Tis Rach, and I've got a few suggestions for ya.

I'm liking the initial premise of this a lot, and I usually strongly dislike first person fantasy. But, I think you're doing it some injustice by rushing through it. You introduce the overall conflict and the short-term conflict and the basic plot all within these couple dozen paragraphs. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, since you get the reader into the story right away, but I'd still suggest rounding it out in places so it feels less choppy.

Mainly, focus on your transitions. Take this one:

I was Alejandra of Elesoria, princess of Moriella.
Although it’s dark, I keep walking. I’m used it. I like the dark. It’s like a blanket that keeps me safe.

There isn't much of a connection between those two paragraphs, no flow. What if you added something like, "But now I'm no one" or "Now I'm just Alejandra"? That'd tie past to the present

Another transition that's a bit rough is here:

As I walk, my feet begin to howl with agony. I roll my eyes and sing under my breath. It’s a distracter for the pain.
I see a little cottage up a head and begin to run.

As it is, that makes it seem as if she starts singing and then poof! there's a cottage up ahead. Add some sort of time-eating phrase. "I keep singing as the night/day wears on" or "After three songs, I finally see..." Something like that, maybe. Or, you could always describe her walk in more detail, and use that time to fill in details about why she's wandering, and what doom was coming to her country, and the bit about her mother attempting to wipe her memory.

In fact, if you're up for it, I'd really suggest mixing the action with the backstory instead of front-loading all of the exposition. It'll save you from having to infodump later, and will introduce your reader to the story and the world gently. All you do is intersperse lines of action with her memories and thoughts and what she wants to tell the reader, and it usually works out really well.

....and that's all I've got for now! I hope this helps! If you'd like any explanation or elaboration or if I didn't make sense, just PM me.

Rach