Marcus and Charlotte

Marcus looked in into her sparkling green eyes, as he sat propped up in his hospital bed. “I love you you know” he said groggily. The chemo therapy draining all the energy out of his small frame. “And ill miss you when I’m gone.”
“Don’t say that” wept Charlotte, tucking a strand of ginger hair behind her ear. And wiping her eyes with her hankie. “Your going to live, you’re a strong one the strong ones always live.”
“So your telling me that my mother wasn’t strong?” snapped Marcus. “She was the strongest person I’ve ever meet. Before she died she never shed a tear. She `told me it was over and that’s how life was. She’d had a good life, and that was something to be great full for, she never commented on the pain. And she never stopped smiling, every time I entered the room. She was as strong as they come Charlotte.”
“Sorry Marcus I didn’t mean to offend you,”
“That’s ok I know you didn’t. But don’t pre judge death as your wrong the strong ones still die it’s a fact of life.”
“Ok” said Charlotte staring at her hands. Marcus reached over, put a hand under her chin and raised her head so as she was looking at him eye to eye again.
”You’ll always be my girl right till the end. But I want you to promise me something.”
“What?” asked charlotte taking his hand.
“That you won’t mourn my death but have a celebration to remember me. I want lots of dancing, singing and laughter that will enable me to rest in peace. Can you do that?”
“I’ll try I promise ill try but I wont necessarily succeed.”
“I know but trying is good enough for me” he said giving her a gentle kiss.
“And another thing don’t be alone for the rest of your life. I want you to marry and have the kids you’ve always dreamed of. Will you do that?”
“But I only want to do that with you, you’re my soul mate”
“Well you can’t you’ll need to move on you can’t hang onto me for ever and ever.”
“Ok I’ll try for you only.”
“Thank you” he said smiling a radiant smile at her. “You’ll be fine you’re strong enough to get through this to.”
“I don’t feel it.”
“Well I can see it in your eyes.”
“There have been cases where people like you with cancer, are given a certain time to live and the doctors are wrong that will hopefully happen to you to.”
“Doctors are very rarely wrong Charlotte, you need stop and face reality. I’m dying and nothing you or anyone else can do will stop that.”

You explore emotion very well . I am going to nit pick though -

The chemo therapy draining all the energy out of his small frame

Should it be kemotherapy

But don’t pre judge death.....

Maybe prejudge

....you’re a strong one the strong ones always live.”

PUNCTUATION Please ..... You’re a strong one and/;/- the strong ones always live.

I think if you broke it up into clearer paragraphs it might be easier to read also.

But these are only small little things. Its a very nice story.

Marcus looked in into her sparkling green eyes, as he sat propped up in his hospital bed.

Maybe just into? 'In into' seems a little repetitive.

“I love you you know” he said groggily.

This should be: “I love you, you know,” he said groggily. Just a few missing commas.

“And ill miss you when I’m gone.”

I'll.


“Don’t say that” wept Charlotte, tucking a strand of ginger hair behind her ear. And wiping her eyes with her hankie. “Your going to live, you’re a strong one the strong ones always live.”

Maybe this could be two sentences instead of three? Like this: “Don’t say that,” wept Charlotte, tucking a strand of ginger hair behind her ear, and wiping her eyes with her hankie. “You're going to live, you’re a strong one the strong ones always live.”

^I added an apostrophiy(sp?) on the you're.



“So your telling me that my mother wasn’t strong?” snapped Marcus. “She was the strongest person I’ve ever meet. Before she died she never shed a tear. She `told me it was over and that’s how life was. She’d had a good life, and that was something to be great full for, she never commented on the pain. And she never stopped smiling, every time I entered the room. She was as strong as they come Charlotte.”

I think this would work better: “So you're telling me that my mother wasn’t strong?” snapped Marcus. “She was the strongest person I’ve ever meet. Before she died she never shed a tear. She told me it was over and that’s how life was. She’d had a good life, and that was something to be great full for, she never commented on the pain, and she never stopped smiling, every time I entered the room. She was as strong as they come, Charlotte.”


“Sorry Marcus I didn’t mean to offend you,”

Comma after Marcus, please! And this needs to end with a period.


“That’s ok I know you didn’t. But don’t pre judge death as your wrong the strong ones still die it’s a fact of life.”
“Ok” said Charlotte staring at her hands.

I think its 'Okay' or 'Okey'. Also, you need a semicolen (;) after Marcus' okay, and a comma after Charlotte's.


”You’ll always be my girl right till the end. But I want you to promise me something.”
“What?” asked charlotte taking his hand.

^^Moving. *sniff* You've really got the emotions behind the words down. Charlotte needs a capital, and a comma after the name though, I think.




“That you won’t mourn my death but have a celebration to remember me. I want lots of dancing, singing and laughter that will enable me to rest in peace. Can you do that?”

Awwwwww....


“I’ll try I promise ill try but I wont necessarily succeed.”

This should be: “I’ll try, I promise I'll try but I won't necessarily succeed.”



“I know but trying is good enough for me” he said giving her a gentle kiss.

This needs a comma after me but still in the quotes, and a comma after said.



“Thank you” he said smiling a radiant smile at her. “You’ll be fine you’re strong enough to get through this to.”

Comma after you, please! And I think in this case, it would be 'too', not 'to'.

“Doctors are very rarely wrong Charlotte, you need stop and face reality. I’m dying and nothing you or anyone else can do will stop that.”

Comma after wrong?



That was very sad, but also uplifting . I especially liked Marcus. He seems really good natured, and strong. It would be interesting to see more about him, the lead up to his death, when he first got his diognostic, ect., but this also stands by itsself. One of my favorite of your works! Keep writing!

It's quite Lurlene McDaniel...

The piece was pretty inspirational, though, as we all sort of (in our own way) strive to be like Marcus- positive and fearless. He's got the power to reassure us that everything's going to be okay, even though inevitably it's not going to be. It's also great for this reason that you put a lot of emphasis on him. He's a really good character, and you really brought out the best.

But...work on the grammar! With such a great message coming across, you want to give people a chance to read it, right?

I'm sorry, but this really did nothing for me. We know nothing about these characters, and you're not making us care that one of them is dying. It moves so fast that I'm not sure what's going on half the time, and the grammar only confuses things more. Also, it's helpful on this site (for me and my blindness anyway ) if the story has spaces between paragraphs, since indention doesn't show up on here and when too much text is clumped on a screen, my eyes go, "PLEASE DON'T MAKE US READ THIS!!"

You've got major potential on your hands. You've a touching subject matter, but you let it slide. Kill descriptions like "sparkling green eyes" and "ginger" for a hair colour, because I've heard them too many times before. Fix the grammatical errors, spice up the description, add a dash of true emotion, and I think you'll be good to go.

Keep writing!