Scarlet Killer~1

I feel like this is the first novel I've attempted to write that has publishing in it's future. For this reason, please be as hard as possible. Thank you~Kit


The club is pumping. Marianas Trench’s Celebrity Status is sounding through the sound system. Of course, it’s not an actually club, it’s the basement of Grace Moraity’s huge house.
But, it’s close enough.
Grace wraps an arm around my shoulders and passes me what I hope is root beer. Her curly hair is badly pulled back, and her dark eyes are alive with happiness.
“Enjoying yourself?” She calls.
“Yeah.” I say, “thanks so much.” Grace just shakes her head.
“Hey, you were surprised. You made my life.” She says, “Happy seventeenth.”
Someone wraps an arm around my waist, scaring me.
“Get off, perv!” I yell and turn around, ready to dump my drink over his head. It’s just my best friend, Noah.
“If that’s how you really feel.” Noah says and lets go. I stamp my foot. Of course, he is only joking with me.
“Happy birthday, Lex.” He says. I laugh and shake my head.
“You’ve said that twenty times, Noah.” I remind him, “and I’ve told you, as long as you’ve gotten me a good present.”
“And I’ve told you, Lex, you’ll have to wait and see.” He tells me again. Noah twirls me again. I discreetly watch the other dancers around us. He slips his arms around my waist and dips me as the song ends.
I hear the doors leading to club open again. Everything stops and I look up. A tall man with black hair strides up to me. In his hands, he clutches a velvet box.
“Miss Schofield?” his voice is dark and smoky. He locks eyes with me. His are a perfect shade of gold.
“Yes?” I say without breaking my stare. He hands me the box with a small smile.
“Happy Birthday.” he says, “I hope to see you again soon.” I smile.
“Thank you,” I say. He chuckles. His eyes light up. I smile.
“Call me Theodore.” He says. I extend a hand.
“Thank you, Mr. Theodore.” I say. He shakes his head. I raise my eyebrow.
“Just Theodore.” he says. He kisses my hand and leaves. I watch him exit, still clutching the box. I run my thumb over the smooth velvet surface. I open the box and gasp.
It was a chandelier necklace with a single amethyst in the center. I put it on and gently touch the amethyst.
“Who was that?” Noah asks behind me. I turn my head to the side. One look at the confused expression on his face and I knew he had been eavesdropping.
“None of your business.” I say, Noah gives me an all knowing look.
“So, you don’t know him?” he asks. I raise one eyebrow. He knows he’s right.
“No.” I say, “I don’t know him, but that doesn’t mean I can’t accept gifts this nice.” I stand up and push my hair away from my eyes. Noah sighs and crossed his arms over his bulky frame.
“Yes, Alexandra, it does.” He says. I shake my head.
“Stubborn.” he says. I frown slightly.
“My mother has been telling me the same thing for seventeen years now. Nothing has changed.” I say. Then I twirl back to the dance floor, ready to ignore Noah and dance the rest of the night away.

Your first couple sentences are great. You hooked me right away and set the scene at the same time.
Of course, this is short for a first chapter (though you might have more, I don't know), so you might want to extend it. I have some suggestions as to that:

1) Extend the part with Theodore. It all seems to go just a little too smoothly; she takes a present from a total stranger who seems a little creepy. Why would she do that? Does Theodore have some pull over her? You ought to delve more into her reactions to this man. He didn't seem as mysterious as I think you wanted him to be. Also, did no one else notice this stranger walk in and out of their party? There are many details you could add about this stranger. You could fill their exchange with lots of little actions that suggest how your MC and others feel towards him.

2) While you gave us a pretty clear scene, what you didn't give us is those developing details about the other people there. Were they all teenagers? How many people were there? I think you could build just a little more on her friend Noah and their relationship, as well.

Also, something small; before an end quotation mark you put a period. Ex: "blah blah blah,"

Well, that's all really. I didn't see many grammar or spelling errors, so good job with that. PM me with any questions.

KitxKat wrote:I feel like this is the first novel I've attempted to write that has publishing in it's future. For this reason, please be as hard as possible. Thank you~Kit


The club is pumping. Marianas Trench’s Celebrity Status is sounding through the sound system. Of course, it’s not an actual club, it’s the basement of Grace Moraity’s huge house.
But, it’s close enough.
Grace wraps an arm around my shoulders and passes me what I hope is root beer. Her curly hair is badly pulled back, and her dark eyes are alive with happiness.
“Enjoying yourself?” She calls.
“Yeah comma” I say, “thanks so much.” Grace just shakes her head.
“Hey, you were surprised. You made my life comma” She says, “Happy seventeenth.”
Someone wraps an arm around my waist, scaring me.
“Get off, perv!” I yell and turn around, ready to dump my drink over his head. It’s just my best friend, Noah.
“If that’s how you really feel comma” Noah says and lets go. I stamp my foot. Of course, he is only joking with me.
“Happy birthday, Lex comma” He says. I laugh and shake my head.
“You’ve said that twenty times, Noah comma” I remind him, “and I’ve told you, as long as you’ve gotten me a good present.”
“And I’ve told you, Lex, you’ll have to wait and see comma” He tells me again. Noah twirls me again. I discreetly watch the other dancers around us. He slips his arms around my waist and dips me as the song ends.
I hear the doors leading to club open again. Everything stops and I look up. A tall man with black hair strides up to me. In his hands, he clutches a velvet box.
“Miss Schofield?” his voice is dark and smoky. He locks eyes with me. His are a perfect shade of gold.
“Yes?” I say without breaking my stare. He hands me the box with a small smile.
“Happy Birthdaycomma” he says, “I hope to see you again soon.” I smile.
“Thank you,” I say. He chuckles. His eyes light up. I smile.
“Call me Theodorecomma” He says. I extend a hand.
“Thank you, Mr. Theodorecomma” I say. He shakes his head. I raise my eyebrow.
“Just Theodorecomma” he says. He kisses my hand and leaves. I watch him exit, still clutching the box. I run my thumb over the smooth velvet surface. I open the box and gasp.
It was a chandelier necklace with a single amethyst in the center. I put it on and gently touch the amethyst.
“Who was that?” Noah asks behind me. I turn my head to the side. One look at the confused expression on his face and I knew he had been eavesdropping.
“None of your businesscomma” I say, Noah gives me an all knowing look.
“So, you don’t know him?” he asks. I raise one eyebrow. He knows he’s right.
“Nocomma” I say, “I don’t know him, but that doesn’t mean I can’t accept gifts this nice.” I stand up and push my hair away from my eyes. Noah sighs and crossed his arms over his bulky frame.
“Yes, Alexandra, it doescomma” He says. I shake my head.
“Stubborncomma” he says. I frown slightly.
“My mother has been telling me the same thing for seventeen years now. Nothing has changedcomma” I say. Then I twirl back to the dance floor, ready to ignore Noah and dance the rest of the night away.

Hey Kitxkat. First I just want to say something about your sentences. When you have some thing like:
"None of your buisness," He said. Normally you put a comma at the end of a sentence when someone says something. I put "comma" where you needed them. Theodore seems weird to me. Where did he come from? I don't know if you're planning to do something where she tries to find out who he is or where he came from. Well that's all I really have to say. Keep writing.
~Ladypurple.

Hey KitxKat, I'm going to take a crack at your piece. Be warned that I can get very nitpicky and in-depth--don't let that scare you off.

The club is pumping. Marianas Trench’s Celebrity Status is sounding through the sound system. Of course, it’s not an actually club, it’s the basement of Grace Moraity’s huge house.

I find this opening paragraph effective. Present tense isn't something you see often (especially in fantasy stories), and I think it works well to the set the scene. Plus, you have a strong narrative voice right off the bat.

One complaint I do have is that you really like using forms of "to be" verbs. Meaning lots of "is" and "was." "Is" and "was" are fine, but they tend to sound passive compared to stronger, more active forms of the verbs. Some amount of passiveness is all right, but when the only verb you use is "is," then your writing ends up sounding weak, boring even. You could say that Celebrity Status "booms" through the sound system (that would eliminate a repetition, too), which would be stronger, more active, and more concise.

You could do with a little more description of the party. Right now, you're doing a good job laying down atmosphere, but atmosphere is not a substitute for a well-described, fully realized setting.

“Enjoying yourself?” She calls.

You might find this article on dialogue punctuation helpful: topic41705.html

Grace just shakes her head.

Every time you use the word "just" (unless you're using it as a synonym for "fair"), look long and hard at it and ask if it's really necessary. This is a case where it isn't.

Of course, he is only joking with me.

Hey, I think this is abundantly clear without having to state it outright. We naturally assume that friends joke as part of their interactions, so no need to spell out the obvious for us!

I hear the doors leading to club open again.

Since the story is from Lex's first person perspective, we naturally--and logically--assume that every sound, every sight, every sensation that gets described is something that Lex hears/sees/feels. So there's no need to qualify descriptions with "I hear" or the ilk.

his voice is dark and smoky.

How does a voice sound dark and smoky? When I read the word "smoky" in conjunction with a voice, through free association I end up hearing a chainsmoker's rasp. Which I don't think is what you intended. You probably mean to describe the man's voice as sexy, which is fine, but remember that everyone has different opinions on what constitutes sexy. Voice-wise, I go weak-kneed for Professor Richard Dawkins' perfect posh British accent, though his voice is rather high-pitched; on the other end of the spectrum there are people who probably melt for a rich baritone. I do think you're trying to describe a voice on the low, husky end of the scale, so go out and describe it specifically that way! Don't qualify it with vague terms like "dark" which will mean different things to different people.

His are a perfect shade of gold.

The first time I read this, I went, "His what?" But now I see that combined with your previous sentence, you're trying to say that his eyes are gold. It doesn't really work though; it's awkward and will definitely trip up a reader who isn't careful.

Also, everything I said before about making unqualified statements. Be more specific about "perfect." Everyone has a different "perfect" shade of gold (if they even like gold at all). Are they gold like jewelry? A darker amber color? We readers like specific pictures.

“Yes?” I say without breaking my stare. He hands me the box with a small smile.
“Happy Birthday.” he says, “I hope to see you again soon.” I smile.
“Thank you,” I say. He chuckles. His eyes light up. I smile.

Whoa there, that's an awful lot of smiles! Three paragraphs in a row that end with some form of smiling! Seems like overkill. Not to mention, Lex ends up smiling twice in quick succession. Wouldn't she just maintain the same smile throughout?

It was a chandelier necklace with a single amethyst in the center.

You've been using present tense throughout the story, so why switch to past tense now? Keep your tenses consistent!

I am not sure what a chandelier necklace is, but then again, I'm not all that familiar with jewelry. Perhaps your target audience will be, so it doesn't matter.

One look at the confused expression on his face and I knew he had been eavesdropping.

Another place where you get your tenses confused. It should be "has," not "had."

Overall:

Well, it wasn't bad--you certainly have a good grasp of how to construct easy-to-read, smooth-flowing sentences. But the story lacks almost any sort of description whatsoever. Your prose is incredibly sparse; you just describe what happens but don't elaborate on anything. Despite this story being in first person, I feel like I don't understand your main character. I don't understand her thought process, her feelings, or even her relationships with her friends. I mean, the banter between them is nice and realistic, but there's not much of a hint of anything deeper than that. Right now you're writing from the very surface layer of her mind--the superficial interactions that we can all see in our daily lives. If you're not going to delve deeper, immerse us into her psyche, then there's no point in writing from first person POV, is there? First person is the POV that allows readers to get as close as possible to a main character as possible. We sit with the narrator inside her mind! Don't be so distant from her.

I've mentioned the lack of description above, and I'll mention it again. You did a good job building a party atmosphere in the first paragraph--the description of exactly what music was playing was nice--but you dropped the ball later in the story. This party seems to have only three people in it. Nor does it have any decorations or refreshments, as far as I can tell. The only times you describe things, your descriptions are rather vague--witness the description of the mysterious stranger.

A lot of things seem to be happening too fast. I'd like to echo everything TheEngima said about the meeting with the mysterious stranger. I simply don't understand how any real teenager would accept a gift from a stranger so nonchalantly, especially since we've been taught since we were toddlers to beware of strangers. No, the fact that she was overwhelmed by his sexiness is not an excuse. At the very least, she should question where he came from or wonder if he's familiar or comment on how creepy he is. That's the way a real person behaves. Lex's behavior stretches credibility.

One final note--you seem to really, really like one kind of sentence construction. "I did this, he did that, she did another thing." It's the simplest way to build sentences, but not the only way. There are dozens of different ways to construct sentences in the English language; use them. Here's a good resource on varying sentence structures, with examples: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/573/01/ A story full of short sentences that all start the same way is rather dull to read.

There's definite promise in here; it just needs a lot of polishing.

PM me if you have any questions.