Saviors

Hey guys! Here's my first draft of this Story. Hope you enjoy it and please help me improve my writing by commenting(i guess that's why you would be commenting anyway... )
Chapter 1

My name is Seraphina. Sometimes I find it ironic how it means an order of angels. In my past life I was a pathetic, spoiled rich kid who never really toke the time to appreciate her parents as much as she should have. I always had to get what I wanted and that’s how I ended up here I guess. I can’t say I don’t deserve what I got. Hell, my parents didn’t deserve what they got. Oops, not really supposed to say that word.

But frankly, this story isn’t about me. OK maybe it is. But my time to learn from my mistakes is over, and no matter what I do I can’t go back on that. But I can help others, so they don’t end up like me. And right now their lives are what really matter. This is what this story is really about, changing lives.

You see, I am an angel, a fallen angel. Or so I wish to think of myself. Turns out there actually are such things as heaven and hell. And you have to be good to get into the first one. Yep and it took my death to realize that. There is a certain period within our lives where we are given a second chance to redeem ourselves if we have messed it up before. It usually is the adolescent age, which I fall under. I have never met anyone older than 18 years of age or younger than 13. I am 16 (and a half), or was. If you are younger when you die, you are sent to heaven right away, because “you were so influenced by what was around you couldn’t properly think for or guide yourself” (or so our Guardians explain). If you are older, and have been on the “naughty list” one too many times…well you get the drift.

We have a second shot of going to heaven. If we are able to save 99 lives that could end up like ours, lived regrettably (ex: car crash, overdose, drowning etc) then we are granted our place in heaven. If we do not succeed, then we have to start over. In other words, Even if that means we were at 98 and didn’t get to save the 99th person we have to start at one again. That is, if we want to go to heaven. I guess it’s a way of learning our lesson, seeing how we could have fixed it, over and over, 99 times. Oh and by “we” I mean the adolescents who messed up and got a second chance. In a way I guess we are kind of like an organization of teens, acting like super heroes to save lost souls on earth(corny as it sounds). That’s why we call ourselves The Saviors.

No clue what happened to my Savior, but let me tell you, he did not do his job too well. And yet no matter how much I try I can’t seem to figure out who he was, let alone remember him. I wonder why…and why did he let me die, why couldn’t he just save me and let me learn my lesson? Sorry, forgot this story isn’t supposed to be about me, though it seems to be turning out to be. Like they say, old habits die hard when you’re a self–obsessed loaded teen.

How it works is after you die you are sent to some weird headquarters place outside of heaven (that always seems to smell like vanilla), where the Guardians explain to you how it works. They are the ones that run the place and assign us to our next missions after completing one. Though you’d think so, they never dwell on our sad past lives, always saying “the past is the past, whatever happened was meant to be” and we are here to save others. Which I greatly prefer because I’m trying to forget mine, putting it in the past as they say, but not knowing if I’m even going to have a future.

We basically stay on earth until we finish “assisting” the lost. When on earth we stay in dwelling homes held by Guardians where we report to every night. They usually take a role fitting to the situation of the assignment we have (a father, aunt, or grandparent).Every Savior has a Guardian assigned to them. It’s like we’re living, but not. I know I get confused too sometimes. Then we are sent back to Headquarters find out our next assignment. Our Guardians give us a notice called The Deadline which let us known when the time of death is supposed to happen, but we have to figure out ourselves how and where. That means that we have to get close to them, and understand them a little more. And once we save them it’s not just keep them from dying on their Deadline, but fixing their lives, making sure “they are on the right path” as our Guardians say.

For example my number 47 was this Goth guy who was going through a depression stage (aren’t they all).His Mom had no idea that when you was “hanging out with his friends at the park” he was really getting high with the wrong crowed (not like there is a right one though).His relationship with his mom wasn’t that strong either, especially after his father left.

Toke me a while to figure these things out (by following him, stalkers-ish but necessary).But usually I try and get close to them by talking to them at gatherings, festivals, school, etc. Then I get close enough for them to invite me to dinner or such. That’s when I get to see what their life is really like. Usually problems are within the family, and I try and find a way to build those fragile bridges (their relationship) to become stronger. I try to leave them as happy as I can, parting with a lesson behind along with a memory. Once I do, and thus saving them from The Deadline, I disappear.

But my number 99 was different. I got too close, and couldn’t fathom the thought of losing her. She got me to put down my walls that toke me so long to put up. She seemed to be changing my nonexistent life more than I was meant to change hers. After all she was my first true friend, almost like a big sister (if I knew what a sister is like); always protective and understanding, but a younger one too, energetic, and well...full of life. So I decided. Either save her life, fixing it up for her and vanish as if I never existed. Or let her meet her Deadline, where we could be Best Friends Forever as they say. Saviors.

Hi! great story it really caught my eye, i have a feeling i read this before, did you post it awhile back? hmmm. well anyway, the only major prob. i noticed was-
toke
did you mean took? if not, ignore this lol
Keep writing and have fun!

Hey ShayM!
This is a really interesting concept! I like it. Yeah, the "toke" thing kinda caught my eye. You might want to fix that. Haha. Anyway, there were a few other things, like:

Yep and it toke me to die to realize that

where the phrasing was wrong and it made the sentence sound awkward. I'd suggest fixing it with something like "Yep, and it took my own death for me to realize that." Or something along those lines, you get the picture. It's best to continue using the same tense throughout the story so as not to confuse the reader.

acting like super heroes to save lost souls on earth(corny as it sounds

I fixed the spelling error in red, so you might want to go back and edit that if you get the chance.
Overall, I liked the story, especially the ending where you introduced the conflict and motivation behind the MC (main character). It became a little slow at times when you were describing the Savior headquarters and what it all meant to be a Savior--I think you can probably spread that information throughout the story, dropping bits as you go. You don't have to unload it all at the beginning. But otherwise, great job! I hope you post some more soon! PM me if you have any more questions!

Hello!

Many and many points for an interesting and drawing in text – as a standalone, it was fine. A clear narrator who stands out and speaks in a way I'd expect her to speak (so, teenage-rely, not purply). Flows nicely. The character's likable.

So the text is, yes, fine. But – y'know, it's descriptions. I mean, I really get the hang of what is happening (and it interests me, pulls me in, which is terrific!), but I just can't not feel it to be descirpive.

Girl, you're writing a novel! :p You have time and words. So, what I'd do is use what we have now as some sort of outline of what is supposed to happen, ok? And then re-write it from HERE and NOW. As in, all that was talked about (described as something accomplished), to only now unfold and happened. That I'd think more deserving of the plotline (in which so many things happen!) and a chapter one.

From the top of my head – Rowling could have started HP off with: „I used to live with my Aunt and Uncle, who were cruel to me. In the meanwhile I became a wizard! Now I'm at a cool school of magic.”

It just doesn't have the same impact, yes! It's eons better that we find out with Harry who he is, instead of, to use what I already said, being presented with something alread accomplished. Rowling used her time and words and we have so much before he actually takes his first step on the stone floors of Hogwarts.

You have such a lot to work with! You have the idea, you have the plotline, the characters, and all this I totally like – just present it in a different way =) Let it just happen, unfold by itself.


Esme

Yeah thanks for your help! I was so stuck up on it, i didn't really take a chance to take a step back and see it from new pairs of eyes(if that makes scene). I think that it does give it all at once so i am going to try to edit a bit using the advice you guys gave me.
-ShayM

No this is actually my first time posting this story(or any story for that matter).yeah and I notice 'toke' my bad.