Death Sentanced

Death is not the end, it is only a bridge to another place" Sarah R. Gamache

“Don’t move! Just, don’t move” Gavin’s eyes filled with water as a lonely tear drop ran down his freckled face. My face swelled with fear, my lips tensed up and my eyes widened as I watched him pull a small black hand gun out of his pants pocket. I did as I was told, and didn’t leave the yellow kitchen chair he had put me in. He had a gun, and I wasn’t about to try and push the limits. I barley knew this guy; We had meet a month ago at a street fair, but for some reason, I felt a deep connection with him that I could not break off. Gavin look down at the wooden stair case he was standing on and started to giggle, he walk over to the living room and sat down on a red sofa chair, he placed his head into his hands and ran his fingers through his thick black hair and laughed this time, it was loud and threatening.

When my parents left I thought we could spend time alone, and we could become more then friends. But it had turned into this,I murder session. We had bumped into each other at the street-fair on Main, I was with my friends and he was alone. At the time he seemed frightened but I thought it was because he bumped into me, I felt bad for making him scared and decided to spend sometime with him. We ended up spending the whole day together, buying random nicknack's, going on fair rides and eating chocolate covered almonds. As the day ended I had a deep, threatening love in my heart, as if I would do anything to protect this frail boy I met, and was starting to love. From the moment I meet him he always seemed different and strange, and I thought that was a quality I liked about him, but I later found out that Gavin was different and strange because he always had the urge to kill.

He looked up with his wild eyes, I felt as if they pierced me; like small, sharp pins. I flinched but later regretted it. I could taste something, was as if he had the stench of blood on his clothing. He grinned, and then walked toward the kitchen putting down the gun on the counter and picking up a small kitchen knife. My mouth developed what felt like a permanent frown.

"You were so nice to me" He said, I felt my blood rushing through my veins, "I can;t believe I'm going to do this" he put down the knife and grabbed a roll of scotch tape off the dining table, and started to tie my wrists to the arm of the chair. My whole body started to shake and shiver, I closed my eyes as I felt the tape gaping into me as if it were chains holding a prisoner. Well; I was a prisoner, his prisoner.

Gavin had finished tying my feet, and torso, he was about to tie my mouth but then, I said it, I said something…
“Please!” I cried, my eyes were blinded by tears as they built up and flowed out. “Please, Please…” It’s was all I could think of… “Please!” Gavin Laughed again, and put the tape on my mouth. I screamed.

"Claire what you don't get is; I was using you. I had you around my finger the whole time" He spat, "I wanted to kill you, I just... I wanted to kill" He looked over at me, I couldn’t move, my whole body felt paralyzed. This wasn;t who I knew, or this wasn;t how I thought I knew. He must be crazy, some type of schizophrenia. Right? He can;t be normal if he always has the urge to kill?

Gavin took the kitchen knife again, and ran if fingers up and down the blade. Then took the knife and ran it across my neck piercing my skin to the flesh. Blood filled my mouth before I had a chance to scream, I tried to spit it out but the tape held it in as I started to cough up. Blood spurted out of my nose. My mind filled with what felt like inner peace. Bubbles and twirls filled the room. Gavin cried out in fear and kicked my chair over toppling me on my side.

“WAIT!” he screamed “You can’t leave! I need you!” he started to untie me, and laughed again, it struck me hard and deep. He didn't need me, he just wanted me to think I may live. I knew I could and I could slowly feel myself slipping away from this life. Away from it all. It was peaceful. I could still feel the sharp tender pain flowing through my veins but I knew it would be over soon. He untied my mouth first and blood streamed across the lamented floor as I tried to breath through the blood. He rushed to finish untying me, my hands, feet and torso. Blood spurted out of my neck and mouth as he picked me up. Then… I was done… I blacked out… my eyes closed, never to open again…

Spoiler

Claire knew what was coming next, it had to be hell. What had she done good in her life? First letting a creeper into her house, then letting him kill her, without even asking him to stop! But as the light started to come in closer, a bright golden bridge came into view, with a silk white stream under it and ruby red stones surrounding the stream. When she had somehow finally landed on the bridge, she saw a golden gate. Claire's small chattering heart deepened into a hard banging against her chest. The air spelt of ever-green's and cinnamon, she was stunned and exited, this had to be it! Hevan...

Hello ! No body has said anything so here i am

Well, i think this has potential to be a good story. But you need to make it more realistic some how. I don't get why Gavin is killing Claire ??? That made me not feel sorry for her, or feel scared or anything - because i didn't see the point to why he was murdering her. It said that she was nice, so why?

You really have to go through this whole story again and proof read it, there are alot of mistakes that i picked up on.

“You; you get good grades, you’re on all the volleyball team, and you’re nice to everyone” he laughed

It was; peaceful.

On the first line you don't need - "You;" you can just have it as - "You get good grades, you're on all..etc"
Second line should be - "It was peaceful." No need for the ';'
I see the whole way through the story you have those - ; - (sorry forgot what they are called) in random places. I don't think they should be there.
Just got through and read it again.
With a bit of work this could be a good short story. Just tell your reader why he is killing her..because not knowing
sort of dulled the story abit.

Keep writing!
Born

This story is pretty intence, and powerful.

WelcomingException wrote:

“Don’t move! Just, don’t move” Gavin’s eyes filled with water, as a lonely tear drop ran down his freckled face. I did as I was told, and didn’t leave the kitchen chair he had put me in. He had a gun, and I wasn’t about to try and push the limits. Gavin look down and started to laugh, he walk over to the living room and sat down, he placed his head into his hands and laughed harder. Alright this which is meant to be a pretty frightening scene is made to seem a bit redundant, your MC doesn't seem to feel any emotions. This bit seems a bit cold, work on the emotions.

My parents were out of town, and I had thought it would be a great way to spend time with Gavin, the boy across the road from me. He had always been quite at school, never participated in class discussions; he just sat there, always daydreaming. Gavin would always stare at me with his fierce grey eyes; I could always fellfeel him lurking about me and staring at me,I could feel it almost like a 6th sense, when my parents left I thought we could spend time alone, and we could become friends. But it had turned into this,I murder session. Alright halt, normal human reaction to someone who is always lurking around would be STALKER!! not, come over to my house when no one is around.

He looked up with his wild eyes, I felt as if they pierced me; like small, sharp pins. I flinched but later regretted it. He smiled, and then walked toward the kitchen putting down the gun on the counter and picking up a small kitchen knife. He gleamed into it, and gave me a very vulnerable look. He gave a vulnerable look sounds really weak and kills the build up of the scene, and I dont see how one can gleam INTO a knife, but that's just me.

“You;,” He beganUsing this word tags aren't really that important, you could just say 'said' and it wouldn't make a different. “you are the popular girl, you’re the cool one” he put down the knife and grabbed a roll of scotch tape off the dining table, and started to tie my wrists to the arm of the chair, I closed my eyes as I felt the tape gapping into me as if it were chains holding a prisoner. Well; I was a prisoner, his prisoner.Again I feel like this is a very cold reaction, If you were getting tied up you would be thinking, you would be thinking of random, stupid, and irrational thoughts.

“You; you get good grades, you’re on all the volleyball team, and you’re nice to everyone” he laughed again but harder as he finished tying my hands and started on my feet, “EVERYONE!!!” He yelled. He tied my torso as well. I was speechless as tear after tear ran down my face, I wanted to ask him to stop, plead him to stop, I just; couldn’t get the words out. I dont like this bit at all there are a lot of grammar mistakes and you dont need to capitalize 'Everyone' for emphasis your reader should be able to picture the chars emotions.

Gavin had finished tying my feet, torso and was about to tie my mouth but then, I said it, I said something…
“Please!” I cried, I couldn’t see anymore because my tear took its place. “Please, Please…” It’s was all I could think of… “Please!” Gavin Laughed again, and put the tape on my mouth. I screamed. Your tear took its place? Weird sentence, rephrase.

“Claire, what you don’t get is, you were nice to me, ME!!!” He screamed, “Nobody is every nice to me!” He spitspat. “And since no one is, I just… I just can’t handle it” He looked over at me, I couldn’t move, my whole body felt paralyzed. Gavin took the kitchen knife again, and ran if fingers up and down the blade. Then took the knife and ran it across my neck piercing my skin to the flesh. Blood filled my mouth before I had a chance to scream, I tried to spit it out but the tape held it in as I started to cough up. Blood spurted out of my nose. My mind filled with what felt like inner peace. He cried out in fear and kicked my chair over toppling me on my side.

“WAIT!” he screamed “You can’t leave! I need you!” he started to untie meHuh?, and slowly I could feel myself slipping away from this life. Away from it all. It was; peaceful. I could still feel the sharp tender pain flowing through my veins but I knew it would be over soon. He untied my mouth first and blood streamed across the lamented floor as I tried to breath through the blood. He rushed to finish untying me, my hands, feet and torso. Blood spurted out of my neck and mouth as he picked me up. Then… I was done… I blacked out… my eyes closed, never to open again…

Alright, I understood where this was going but I didn't really feel it, your MC seemed a bit unrealistic, but she shone towards the end. The motives of Gavin seemed a little unclear, there were a few grammar mistakes but they weren't awful. I liked the idea behind this, but I think it could be expanded a bit more.

Anger

Thanks everyone for the review, I am going to totally redo the story and I'll message you so u can edit again. Well, if you want to

Hello, I won't introduce myself like I normally do because you obviously know me X)

The first thing I noticed was pretty much what the first reviewer said- You need to read it over a lot more. There weren't as many mistakes in here as in your other story, but there were still quite a few. Also, I'm pretty sure I told you this at school like a couple months ago, but do not to use the ; things because you really didn't know how to use them, and I'm saying it again. Don't use the ; things.

Also, like the others have said, it's hard to understand or connect with the story because we aren't exactly sure what is happening.

A few more things-

1. I'm pretty sure scotch tape wouldn't hold your wrists together very easily. I mean, breaking scotch tape isn't exactly that hard...

2. At the end she said she blacked out and never opened her eyes again, but I just want to point out that blacking out doesn't have anything to do with death. I've blacked out before, and blacking out lasts a couple of seconds and then it's over. If she passed out, it would be more understandable. She could pass out from the lack of blood, and then die before she wakes up, but not black out.

Overall, it still needs lots of work, even though you already rewrote it. ~

Hey, Born here again, as you asked *mistakes in red

Okay now that you have edited it, i can see better why Gavin wants to kill her. Because he's...weird. That's great, but i still can't really connect some how. Maybe's it's because you haven't really described Claire or Gavin that much - their appearence...etc.

This wasn;t who I knew, or this wasn;t how I thought I knew.

-- This should be spelt, who. Also why is there these - ; - again? wasn;t = wasn't
I noticed alot of that again. When there is a - ; - instead of - ' -. Also i noticed a few times where you have put an 'I' instead of 'A'
There's mostly just grammer issues. If you go back through and re-read it aloud to yourself i'm sure you'll pick up on things and notice where you have gone wrong.

Sorry if i come across as being harsh. I really don't mean to.
Message me again if you need any more help. I'm happy to
Born
xx

Critiquing this bit-by-bit...

Gavin’s eyes filled with water as a lonely tear drop ran down his freckled face.

This image is terribly cliched, I think. The idea of a single tear, especially right at the opening of your story, is overused enough that it creates an effect that opposes the one you are trying to create.

My face swelled with fear, my lips tensed up and my eyes widened

Everything here, except for the eye-widening, feels misplaced to me. Facial swelling is more reminiscent of an allergic reaction than a symptom of an adrenaline rush, and the fact that you've structured it like this really negates the gravity of the situation and makes it easy to miss what you've got coming next.

He had a gun, and I wasn’t about to try and push the limits.

This is redundant. The idea of doing as you're told when your opponent has a gun is more common sense than anything.

I barley knew this guy; We had meet a month ago at a street fair, but for some reason, I felt a deep connection with him that I could not break off.

"Barely." And, "guy; we". This reads a little like a run-on sentence, although it's not. I think your thought is clear long before you have finished over explaining what's going on.

Gavin look down at the wooden stair case he was standing on and started to giggle, he walk over to the living room and sat down on a red sofa chair, he placed his head into his hands and ran his fingers through his thick black hair and laughed this time, it was loud and threatening.

Be careful not to drop your "ed" here. Looked, walked, and so on.

This paragraph, as a whole, is awkward. I think maybe you were looking to create a little bit of parallel structure here, but instead it comes off sounding stilted and uncomfortable. It's much more difficult to get through than it would be if you removed all the "he"s. For example, you might instead say, "he walked over to the living room and sat, placing his head in his hands and running his fingers through his thick hair. He laughed again..." and so on.

When my parents left I thought we could spend time alone, and we could become more then friends. But it had turned into this,I murder session. We had bumped into each other at the street-fair on Main, I was with my friends and he was alone. At the time he seemed frightened but I thought it was because he bumped into me, I felt bad for making him scared and decided to spend sometime with him. We ended up spending the whole day together, buying random nicknack's, going on fair rides and eating chocolate covered almonds. As the day ended I had a deep, threatening love in my heart, as if I would do anything to protect this frail boy I met, and was starting to love. From the moment I meet him he always seemed different and strange, and I thought that was a quality I liked about him, but I later found out that Gavin was different and strange because he always had the urge to kill.

You're rushing here--using your situation as an excuse to tell the reader everything instead of letting it reveal itself in good time. This is a background paragraph, and it feels like one.

A few grammatical errors before I really look at this paragraph more in-depth:
"I murder session" ? What is this? You mean "one murder session?"
"Some time" rather than "sometime"
"Chocolate-covered"
In the sentence about love, you're repeating yourself (with "love" in there twice)

I really think you could improve this part of the story a lot. It just sticks out as being unrealistic. Girl with friends bumps into a boy who reacts strangely (frightened of her? Why? What about this would draw her? I don't know about you, but that would set off all kinds of warning bells in my head), decides to ditch her friends and wander around the fair with him for no particular reason, and falls in love with him? In half an hour? A few hours? You're rushing their first encounter.

He looked up with his wild eyes, I felt as if they pierced me; like small, sharp pins. I flinched but later regretted it. I could taste something, was as if he had the stench of blood on his clothing. He grinned, and then walked toward the kitchen putting down the gun on the counter and picking up a small kitchen knife. My mouth developed what felt like a permanent frown.

"It felt as if." And I think your description of a permanent frown is almost a comedic understatement. She's about to be murdered. And she's frowning?

"You were so nice to me" He said, I felt my blood rushing through my veins, "I can;t believe I'm going to do this" he put down the knife and grabbed a roll of scotch tape off the dining table, and started to tie my wrists to the arm of the chair. My whole body started to shake and shiver, I closed my eyes as I felt the tape gaping into me as if it were chains holding a prisoner. Well; I was a prisoner, his prisoner.

You've got the grammatical structure of dialogue wrong, here. This should be:
"You were so nice to me," he said. I felt my blood rushing through my veins. "I can't believe I'm going to do this." He put down the knife and...."

And "gaping?" I don't think you have found the right word there.

This scene too rings of too many kidnapping/hostage stories. Down to the imagery it invokes. You have to bump up your language here and make this vivid in a way that is shocking to the reader. What, as a writer, can you show us that we haven't seen before?

Gavin had finished tying my feet, and torso, he was about to tie my mouth but then, I said it, I said something…

Taping. Otherwise it sounds strange. But why would he tape her torso? If he's already gotten her arms and legs? And you need four elipses, since you are ending a sentence.

“Please!” I cried, my eyes were blinded by tears as they built up and flowed out. “Please, Please…” It’s was all I could think of… “Please!” Gavin Laughed again, and put the tape on my mouth. I screamed.

Capitalization of random words! Lowercase the second "please" and "laughed." Also, add another dot after "think of."

"Claire what you don't get is; I was using you. I had you around my finger the whole time" He spat, "I wanted to kill you, I just... I wanted to kill" He looked over at me, I couldn’t move, my whole body felt paralyzed. This wasn;t who I knew, or this wasn;t how I thought I knew. He must be crazy, some type of schizophrenia. Right? He can;t be normal if he always has the urge to kill?

Use ' instead of ;

Also, this scene is coming off a little bit flat. He's killing her because...he's crazy? It's a little mundane. There are plenty of crazy people that are just fine occupying their time in conversation with fire hydrants instead of tying people up and murdering them. And the fact that he would flat out states that he wants to kill? It makes us lose interest in him as a character. Immediately. And about the schizophrenia...people with schizophrenia tend to fit into one of two categories.

1) They are sedate, almost to the point of catatonia.
2) They are manic (and/or paranoid, delusional, and so on). Someone with schizophrenia generally appears normal only when medicated, especially if their symptoms are severe.

Gavin took the kitchen knife again, and ran if fingers up and down the blade. Then took the knife and ran it across my neck piercing my skin to the flesh. Blood filled my mouth before I had a chance to scream, I tried to spit it out but the tape held it in as I started to cough up. Blood spurted out of my nose. My mind filled with what felt like inner peace. Bubbles and twirls filled the room. Gavin cried out in fear and kicked my chair over toppling me on my side.

Whoa wait. Didn't he have a gun? Why is he bothering with the knife?

Also, flesh tends to be used to describe skin as well as what lays underneath. As such, it's a little anticlimactic here to say that he sliced "to the flesh." It makes it sound like it just skirted through the upper layer of her skin, and if blood is filling her mouth, then he's gone all the way through the trachea.

And, now Gavin is afraid? Didn't he have a compulsion to kill just a second ago? why is he chickening out now?

“WAIT!” he screamed “You can’t leave! I need you!” he started to untie me, and laughed again, it struck me hard and deep. He didn't need me, he just wanted me to think I may live. I knew I could and I could slowly feel myself slipping away from this life. Away from it all. It was peaceful. I could still feel the sharp tender pain flowing through my veins but I knew it would be over soon. He untied my mouth first and blood streamed across the lamented floor as I tried to breath through the blood. He rushed to finish untying me, my hands, feet and torso. Blood spurted out of my neck and mouth as he picked me up. Then… I was done… I blacked out… my eyes closed, never to open again…

Don't use all caps.

This is where we get lost, because you haven't developed Gavin at all beyond "eh, he's crazy and he wants to kill the narrator. Um. Yeah." Show us who he is underneath all the manic laughter and stereotypical axe-murderer psyche.

Also, I'm going to take issue with your use of "lamented" here. It's awkward and not visually pleasing at all. Also, it's "breathe."

Claire knew what was coming next, it had to be hell. What had she done good in her life? First letting a creeper into her house, then letting him kill her, without even asking him to stop! But as the light started to come in closer, a bright golden bridge came into view, with a silk white stream under it and ruby red stones surrounding the stream. When she had somehow finally landed on the bridge, she saw a golden gate. Claire's small chattering heart deepened into a hard banging against her chest. The air spelt of ever-green's and cinnamon, she was stunned and exited, this had to be it! Hevan....

"Creeper" is a slang word, and you probably shouldn't use it in formal writing like this. And to be honest, that whole sentence comes off as downplaying the situation. Like, "OMG i forgot 2 ask him 2 stoppP!!1" It's juvenile. She was terrified. And she's berating herself for no obvious reason.

"evergreens," "excited," and "Heaven."

Overall, I feel like this story needs a lot of fleshing out. I think your biggest undertaking is having gotten it all down into first draft format, and you have definitely accomplished that. Now it's time to go over your piece with a fine-toothed comb and take out EVERYTHING that doesn't belong or which hinders your story.

Good luck!!!

Thank you again everyone for revieving it really helps me to improve!
and now to answer the questions of why there are so many ;!!! my finger never seems to reach for enough to hit the ' button it so it always hits the ; button... stupied finger...

Thanks,

WelcomingExeption

W.O.W
It was very emotional and with great description. I liked that there was no happy ending which makes it a lot better for the reader who expects the main character to live in the end.
A few spelling errors and you used ; instead of ' for apostrophe's
All in all, I really liked it!
Keep up the good work
Georgie