numbed

Ive had all the happiness sucked from my world
I hear the cries and yet theres nothing I can do
I feel the pain but yet I am numb
All that is left of me is a hollow shell of a once happy soul
A ghost barely left to last
Morbid is my life
No words utter my lips
Not a sound
No words are heard
Not a sound
Death hasn’t come
I havnt been so lucky
I can feel it near
Closing in
Death is my best friend now
The only thing left
Suffocating me
Dragging me down
Never escaping its grasp
This is my end

I like this story a lot because this is how I feel. I think you should make this into a short story because I would definatly anjoy reading it if you did. I feel like this poem is powerful and interesting and keeps me wanting more from it. I like the title. I feel like it ties in well, and a lot of people dont know how to do that. Nice work, and write more.

Welcome to YWS!

I can tell that you are very new here and you have much to learn. More properly speaking is the use of commas in your poems, incorrect usage or no usage at all can break the rhythm of your poem till it's just all messy and what not.

britishwannabe wrote:Ive had all the happiness sucked from my world,
I hear the cries and yet theres nothing I can do.
I feel the pain but yet I am numb....
All that is left of me is a hollow shell of a once happy soul,
A ghost barely left to last.
Morbid is my life,
No words utter my lips,
Not a sound-
No words are heard.
Not a sound.
Death hasn’t come.
I havnt been so lucky, (haven't?)
I can feel it near....
Closing in....
Death is my best friend now;
The only thing left.
Suffocating me,
Dragging me down,
Never escaping its grasp,
This is my end!

Just the way I'd write it. More like a short poem with a lot of meaning but little words. It doesn't need a bunch of commas or periods or semi colons. It can just be right down to the point. For more help on these things you can go to my profile look at my works I've done. They may be able to help you. Keep writing and message me for any help around YWS.

Shadow here! OK, I loved this, and only saw a few things wrong. What's in red is what should be there. It's only punctuation.

britishwannabe wrote:Ive had all the happiness sucked from my world
I hear the cries and yet there's nothing I can do
I feel the pain but yet I am numb
All that is left of me is a hollow shell of a once happy soul
A ghost barely left to last
Morbid is my life
No words utter my lips
Not a sound
No words are heard
Not a sound
Death hasn’t come
I havn't been so lucky
I can feel it near
Closing in
Death is my best friend now
The only thing left
Suffocating me
Dragging me down
Never escaping its grasp
This is my end

Also, at the end, maybe you should add a period or something. Maybe three dots, I don't know, it just seemed bare
If there's anything else you need reviewed, shoot me a PM and I'll check it out.

~xX~Forsakinshadow~Xx~