Dawn Chapter 2

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Here's the next post. Keep in mind: it's rough. Really rough. And very, very cliche. I'm almost ashamed, if I wasn't so proud of the story.

Chapter 2: Midsummer

In the village where Ailia and Jeb lived, it was Midsummer’s Festival, and the entire village gathered around Jeb. As the village elder, everyone expected Jeb to tell the story of how the world came to be ruled by Darkness. The crowd grew quiet as they settled round to hear the tale, and he could see Ailia with her friends crouching by his side.

The fire light cast half of her striking face in contrast, and the scar on her cheek where she was attacked by a starving mountain lion was visible as a crescent moon. Thankfully, she survived, but since then Jeb had been sure to keep close tabs on her whereabouts.
“Jeb, tell the story again. Please?” begged Ailia. He could not resist her ministrations and began the tale in a way that was new to everyone present.

“A long time ago, there was peace in our land. The rulers of the skies and the earth were at peace, and the Darkness was not yet alive. The Light was manifest in human form, and walked the earth ready to aid those in need. One such hero was the Dawn King. He saw that people were happy, and he was happy. Light shone from his face and all who witnessed his glory were amazed. His days were the happiest known on earth. The night did not hold horrors, and everyone dreamed wonderful things. However, it soon came to pass that a jealous guardian of the Light wanted to be as powerful as his brother the Dawn King. So, he plotted ways to cast him down from power. This dissenter had a name, but it is now un-utterable except to those of the Light, but being as a holder of Light has not been witnessed in all the years since the ruin of the Dawn King, the name has been lost. So, he has become known to us all as the Darkness. He haunts the night, and plots to engulf us all in misery and loss. All because he failed to win the love of the people. What was his crime, you may ask?”

Jeb paused in his story, and looked thoughtfully at the faces staring back at him. Each one different, some paying more attention than others, and some simply unaware of the truth in the tale. The light from the bonfire was starting to die down, and it seemed to Jeb that the flames had lost their ability to effuse heat.

He went on, “Well, one night, when the Dawn King was sleeping unsuspecting, the Darkness crept in and stole the Light from the Dawn King. He used dark arts that were whispered to him in his nightmares, and in doing so, he destroyed the Light by accident. He was enraged that the Light did not serve him the way it did his brother, and in his anger he smote the Dawn King in his slumber.”

Jeb looked up and straight into Ailia’s eyes with his next words, and she did not waver in her gaze. “In his last breaths, the Dawn King swore that Darkness would not thrive, but that his heir would come to return the Light to its rightful throne.”

Ailia shivered with the weight of those words, and it appeared that the fire grew dimmer in her moment of fear, but then it regained its vibrancy when she returned Jeb’s stare.

“Hope left the world when the Dawn King passed into the other realm, but I hold the hope that Hope will return to our world, where it is least expected. And in its triumph, return the night to its peaceful origin.”

Unlike the other times when Jeb had recited the story, Ailia did not jump up to dance with the others in celebration of the summer days. She merely sat in silence, staring at her hands long after the crowd had dispersed.

Ailia felt that something was stirring within her, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. She also was aware that there was a tinge of danger upon the air, like how she felt when a terrible disaster was about to strike her village. She didn’t like any of it, not one bit. The world is shifting, and my soul feels lost. She thought as she worried about what was heading her way.





The Night was always searching for something. It didn’t know why its master wanted to find the thing called the Light, but it had to obey. The Darkness was angry, and in his rage, he turned the Night into a weapon. He gave the Night a form so that it might better find what he was searching for in the daytime. The process was painful, and once done, the Night shivered because it was the first time he had felt the cold.

He has seen humans shiver for ages, crying out in the cold. And he had never understood what having feelings meant. Now he knew. Humans could feel, and feeling made you simultaneously stronger and weaker than you are.

“What am I?” He whispered hoarsely to his master the Darkness. What am I? What am I doing? How can I speak? What is speaking? Where are these thoughts coming from? How am I having thoughts?!

The Darkness spoke. His voice was a slithery whisper, and the origin of fear in the hearts of man. It signified the danger lurking in the dark. “You are now a human. My pawn in the area of men. Go forth and find the human Light, and I shall reward you. If you fail…well, don’t fail…Ewen. My son.”

The figure that was once the night now appeared in the form of young man. He stood for the first time, looked at his creator-father the Darkness, and then at his body. He marveled at his hands, feet, and strong arms. The dark water of a deep lake was like a mirror in the moonlight, and he walked carefully to the edge to view himself through his eyes. My eyes. My body. My thoughts.

His skin glowed the color of milky moonlight and his eyes were the color of the night sky. His face was perfect, like that of an angel: A fallen angel of Darkness. He smiled at himself and laughed as he saw his smile reflected back at him. White teeth flashing, he turned back to the Darkness. “Where shall I start, Father?”

Giving a cold laugh like the chill of death, the Darkness disappeared into the night with the parting words, “Look where the sun shines the most brightly...Look where the people are happiest...”

Ewen, son of the Darkness, looked off into the distance where the mountains were covered in shadows. With a dangerous smile he set off on his journey, because he could feel that something powerful lay in that direction, and he was curious to test out his new form. I could get used to this. Maybe if I find the Light, I can stay as I am.
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux




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Hey Baywolf! Just wanted to say that, first off, I feel your pain about having a.... um.... very traditional... fantasy story but loving it too much to give it up. After reading this chapter, though, I went and read the prologue and first chapter--and, for what it's worth, I think you have an original enough style and enough original stuff happening to outweigh the cliche aspects. After all, to use a horrible metaphor, there's more than one way to cook a potato. And, you can always tone down some of the most offending things anyway.

Regardless, props for sticking to it. And now, onto critique. Mainly, I just have suggestions.

First, the bit where Jeb explains the story of the world is a big block. Break it up, mayhaps, and intersperse bits of detail about characters and setting? It'll help lazy readers follow along, and it'll also keep it from seeming like just the most convenient way to get in that bit of information. (Even if it was the most convenient way, there's no need for the reader to know!)

Second, I couldn't tell which POV you were using. Do you have an omniscient narrator, or is this switching from Jeb's to Ailia's point of view? If the latter, why not make it Jeb's thoughts (the ones unrelated or less related to Ailia's future heroine position) and more of what he takes in from the environment about him, or all Ailia? Making it all Jeb's might be a good way to steer things away from typical fantasy mashed potatoes.

...uh, yeah. Bad metaphors. I know.

Anyway. Onto the third thing... I usually try to refrain from nitpicking, but, this paragraph bugged me loads:

Ailia felt that something was stirring within her, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. She also was aware that there was a tinge of danger upon the air, like how she felt when a terrible disaster was about to strike her village. She didn’t like any of it, not one bit. The world is shifting, and my soul feels lost. She thought as she worried about what was heading her way.


It's one big juicy pile of Tell, to put it bluntly. And unless she's connected in some super natural way to the balance of good and evil in the world or something, how could she tell something was stirring within her? Or that there's a danger in the air? Or that a terrible disaster's about to strike her village? You could probably cut the paragraph--or, better yet, describe what those sensations make her feel, and show them. Maybe she's uneasy, upset, uncomfortable--and frustrated, because she doesn't know why and she ought to be celebrating on a festival day! Just a thought.

I have a similar complaint with the first paragraph of the second part of his chapter.

The Night was always searching for something. It didn’t know why its master wanted to find the thing called the Light, but it had to obey. The Darkness was angry, and in his rage, he turned the Night into a weapon. He gave the Night a form so that it might better find what he was searching for in the daytime. The process was painful, and once done, the Night shivered because it was the first time he had felt the cold.

He has seen humans shiver for ages, crying out in the cold. And he had never understood what having feelings meant. Now he knew. Humans could feel, and feeling made you simultaneously stronger and weaker than you are.


The first paragraph is all explanation and Tell and is dry as a result. But the second paragraph is awesome. I'd suggest cutting the first paragraph, and letting 'Night' take the place of the first pronoun in the second paragraph.

And... I think that's all for now.

Let me know if you'd like any further explanation--just PM or reply to this or email or something. I liked this a lot (a lot a lot a lot) and can't wait for the third chapter. And, forgive me for being bold, but if you'd like a beta reader, or more long-term, overall help... please consider me. Pretty please.

Rach
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Like Rachel said, this was a very traditional fantasy tale. First off--I love fantasy. That is where my core lies. And second--most people can't resist MORE fantasy. I mean, how many stories are similar to this? Lord of the Rings, for example, and even though it was written around fifty years ago, it doesn't get boring. I think this is a strong genre.

Anyway...since this is in a way cliche, make sure to have something that marks this story apart from the rest.
Keep going:)

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Sorry it took me so long, but I'm here to do chapter 2 :D
*reads*

baywolf25 wrote:“Hope left the world when the Dawn King passed into the other realm, but I told the hope that Hope will return to our world, where it is least expected. And in its triumph, return the night to its peaceful origin.”

I think you mixed up the hopes. It should've been "but I told the Hope that hope will..."

baywolf25 wrote:It didn’t know why its master wanted to find the thing called the Light, but it had to obey. The Darkness was angry, and in his rage, he turned the Night into a weapon. He gave the Night a form so that it might better find what he was searching for in the daytime. The process was painful, and once done, the Night shivered because it was the first time he had felt the cold.

He has seen humans shiver for ages, crying out in the cold. And he had never understood what having feelings meant. Now he knew. Humans could feel, and feeling made you simultaneously stronger and weaker than you are.

You have to be careful about the pronoun you use. Most of the time you used "he", but a couple of times you wrote the Night as an "it".

baywolf25 wrote:The Darkness spoke. His voice was a slithery whisper, and the origin of fear in the hearts of man.

*men

baywolf25 wrote:The figure that was once the night now appeared in the form of a young man.

*Night

Nit-picking done. I have to say, even though this is a cliché story, I think with some modifications, it could be one hell of a story. Honestly. The story base is good. Sure, it is a typical one, but again, if you'd spice up things a little, it could be awesome. 'Cause when people are thrilled by a novel, they'll skip over the clichés and not care; they just wanna read some more.. Believe me, I know by experience :)

Anyways, good chappy. I hope you take up the rest of the novel, or if you restart it, give me a shout! Well, a PM would be better ;)
Got a story you'd like reviewed?
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All right, here I am for chapter two!

Yes, I'd agree that this chapter was rather clichéd, but the thing is, sometimes the familiar is good because it's familiar. I love fantasies like this and I'm enjoying this story a lot.

The fire light cast half of her striking face in contrast, and the scar on her cheek where she was attacked by a starving mountain lion was visible as a crescent moon. Thankfully, she survived, but since then Jeb had been sure to keep close tabs on her whereabouts.


As this is all in the past past tense, I'd suggest putting in "had" and such, like this: "...scar on her cheek where she had been attacked by a mountain lion..." "Thankfully, she had survived..."

He could not resist her ministrations and began the tale in a way that was new to everyone present.


I'm having an issue with this word..."ministration" is generally used when referring to the care of something. "Pleadings" or some other synonym would work better.

This dissenter had a name, but it is now un-utterable except to those of the Light, but being as a holder of Light has not been witnessed in all the years since the ruin of the Dawn King, the name has been lost.


Ah! Too many contradictions and too much confusion! Slow down, reword it, and continue on. :)

Okay, that's all of the nitpicking I have. I love the part with Night and Darkness, and I'm looking forward to seeing how you progress with it. This has the great potential to turn into a wonderfully inventive, memorable story, and I'm sure that's how it's going to be. Please let me know when you post the next chapter!

Love you Auntie! ;)
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Hey again. :)
Since I liked the first chapter of this so much I rushed straight onto the next one :P
So here goes.



Chapter 2: Midsummer

In the village where Ailia and Jeb lived, it was Midsummer’s Festival, and the entire village gathered around Jeb. As the village elder, everyone expected Jeb to tell the story of how the world came to be ruled by Darkness. The crowd grew quiet as they settled round to hear the tale, and he could see Ailia with her friends crouching by his side.

The fire light cast half of her striking face in contrast, and the scar on her cheek where she was attacked by a starving mountain lion was visible as a crescent moon. Thankfully, she survived, but since then Jeb had been sure to keep close tabs on her whereabouts. I don't want to be picky but, it's fairly obvious she lived since she's sitting there :P Perhaps you could change that bit a little bit just to avoid unnecessary words.
“Jeb, tell the story again. Please?” begged Ailia. He could not resist her ministrations and began the tale in a way that was new to everyone present.

“A long time ago, there was peace in our land. The rulers of the skies and the earth were at peace, and the Darkness was not yet alive. The Light was manifest in human form, and walked the earth ready to aid those in need. One such hero was the Dawn King. He saw that people were happy, and he was happy. Light shone from his face and all who witnessed his glory were amazed. His days were the happiest known on earth. The night did not hold horrors, and everyone dreamed wonderful things. However, it soon came to pass that a jealous guardian of the Light wanted to be as powerful as his brother the Dawn King. So, he plotted ways to cast him down from power. This dissenter had a name, but it is now un-utterable except to those of the Light, but being as a holder of Light has not been witnessed in all the years since the ruin of the Dawn King, the name has been lost. So, he has become known to us all as the Darkness. He haunts the night, and plots to engulf us all in misery and loss. All because he failed to win the love of the people. What was his crime, you may ask?”

Jeb paused in his story, and looked thoughtfully at the faces staring back at him. Each one different, some paying more attention than others, and some simply unaware of the truth in the tale. The light from the bonfire was starting to die down, and it seemed to Jeb that the flames had lost their ability to effuse heat.

He went on, “Well, one night, when the Dawn King was sleeping unsuspecting, the Darkness crept in and stole the Light from the Dawn King. He used dark arts that were whispered to him in his nightmares, and in doing so, he destroyed the Light by accident. He was enraged that the Light did not serve him the way it did his brother, and in his anger he smote the Dawn King in his slumber.”

Jeb looked up and straight into Ailia’s eyes with his next words, and she did not waver in her gaze. “In his last breaths, the Dawn King swore that Darkness would not thrive, but that his heir would come to return the Light to its rightful throne.”

Ailia shivered with the weight of those words, and it appeared that the fire grew dimmer in her moment of fear, but then it regained its vibrancy when she returned Jeb’s stare.

“Hope left the world when the Dawn King passed into the other realm, but I hold the hope that Hope will return to our world, where it is least expected. And in its triumph, return the night to its peaceful origin.”

Unlike the other times when Jeb had recited the story, Ailia did not jump up to dance with the others in celebration of the summer days. She merely sat in silence, staring at her hands long after the crowd had dispersed.

Ailia felt that something was stirring within her, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. She also was aware that there was a tinge of danger upon the air, like how she felt when a terrible disaster was about to strike her village. She didn’t like any of it, not one bit. The world is shifting, and my soul feels lost. She thought as she worried about what was heading her way.

I'm not 100% sure but I think that her thoughts should have been in italics there.




The Night was always searching for something. It didn’t know why its master wanted to find the thing called the Light, but it had to obey. The Darkness was angry, and in his rage, he turned the Night into a weapon. He gave the Night a form so that it might better find what he was searching for in the daytime. The process was painful, and once done, the Night shivered because it was the first time he had felt the cold.

He has seen humans shiver for ages, crying out in the cold. And he had never understood what having feelings meant. Now he knew. Humans could feel, and feeling made you simultaneously stronger and weaker than you are.

“What am I?” He whispered hoarsely to his master the Darkness. What am I? What am I doing? How can I speak? What is speaking? Where are these thoughts coming from? How am I having thoughts?!

The Darkness spoke. His voice was a slithery whisper, and the origin of fear in the hearts of man. It signified the danger lurking in the dark. “You are now a human. My pawn in the area of men. Go forth and find the human Light, and I shall reward you. If you fail…well, don’t fail…Ewen. My son.”

The figure that was once the night now appeared in the form of young man. He stood for the first time, looked at his creator-father the Darkness, and then at his body. He marveled at his hands, feet, and strong arms. The dark water of a deep lake was like a mirror in the moonlight, and he walked carefully to the edge to view himself through his eyes. My eyes. My body. My thoughts.

His skin glowed the color of milky moonlight and his eyes were the color of the night sky. His face was perfect, like that of an angel: A fallen angel of Darkness. He smiled at himself and laughed as he saw his smile reflected back at him. White teeth flashing, he turned back to the Darkness. “Where shall I start, Father?”

Giving a cold laugh like the chill of death, the Darkness disappeared into the night with the parting words, “Look where the sun shines the most brightly...Look where the people are happiest...”

Ewen, son of the Darkness, looked off into the distance where the mountains were covered in shadows. With a dangerous smile he set off on his journey, because he could feel that something powerful lay in that direction, and he was curious to test out his new form. I could get used to this. Maybe if I find the Light, I can stay as I am.

Well, it seems like you've kept you standard of writing as high, if not higher, than the first chapter. There were no grammatical/spelling mistakes that I could see. Well done on that.
The only complaint that I have is with the transition between the village and the scene with Darkness and Night. Initially I had some trouble determining what was happening. This doesn't need much work at all though, perhaps only a line to say that the setting has chaged such as 'Elsewhere'. Just something like that to help the flow a wee bit more.

But well done. I liked it! XD
Hwær cwom mearg? Hwær cwom mago?
Hwær cwom maþþumgyfa?
Hwær cwom symbla gesetu?
Hwær sindon seledreamas?



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