The Girl On the Pond - A fairy tale.

Spoiler

This is a little fairy tale I wrote. I'd like to know what you guys think of it, please. Also, it's shorter than it looks.
-Esther

Once upon a time, in a town so unknown that it did not have a name to speak of, there lived a young woodcutter. The woodcutter was very poor, and he was very upset with this fact. However, it could be said that his poverty was partially his fault, for he was a lazy boy that spent more time dreaming than working. In fact, he was so lazy that his parents had disowned him out of disgust. Despite his lack of work ethic, he did own a small hut, and every day he would leave his modest home to go to the forest, where he would work as much or as little as he liked.

The forest outside of the village was very beautiful. It had trees that were broad and healthy, with life that scurried across their branches. The animals were also beautiful there, each creature more graceful than the last. It was rumored that the lovely place was enchanted with good and dark magic. The woodcutter did not pay this much heed, for he only believed in what he could see.

"What is a tree worth if it doesn't spout gold from its branches?" the young man would say to himself, "What are these animals if they cannot lead me to new treasures?"

It so happened that it was a misty day, and as you know, misty days are full of magic. The other woodcutters clung to their superstitions of the mist and stayed away from the forest, but the young woodcutter treaded on. He paused to stop under a large tree and began to hack away at it. The tree proved to be thicker than he imagined, and he hacked away at it before finally lifting his hands in the air and declaring,

"Ah, this hard work is not meant for me! I deserve to be bathing in gold, yet all I have to my name is this stupid axe!"

The man in his rage disdainfully threw his axe into the air, but to his surprise it did not come down. Rather, it hovered for a moment in the air before floating away deeper into the forest. The young man, not wanting to lose his only axe, followed it hopelessly into the woods.

Deeper and deeper the man went, his face getting scratched and bruised from the thorns and branches he ran into. All the while, the mist became thicker, until he felt he could reach out his hand and stuff some in his pocket. Finally he tore into a clearing and rubbed his eyes, for he did not believe what he was seeing.

The clearing was covered with moss that seemed to glow like gemstones, and the moss encircled a pond that shone an iridescent blue. The air was full of small, glowing insects that seemed to vanish when you looked at them directly. A thick mist crept from out of the pond and stuck lowly to the ground. The mist only seemed to float as high as the young man’s ankle, and it coiled like snakes around the young man's feet.

It wasn't any of this that startled him. For out in the middle of pond there was a giant stone, caked with moss and kelp, and on that stone was the most beautiful girl the woodcutter had ever seen.

Her long blue hair clung to her shoulders and reached all the way down to her tiny feet. Her skin was pure white, without blemish or scar. Her eyes were large, and as beautiful as the pond itself. Her lips glistened like rubies, and she ran her tongue over them when she saw the woodcutter standing there watching her. She waved a small hand and smiled at him, revealing small pointed canines of pure white.

"Hello, boy," the girl said.

The boy did not answer, yet remained still in his very spot, wide eyed. The girl let out a laugh. It was a pleasant yet bitter laugh that sent shivers down the woodcutter's spine. Yet her eyes did not show any antagonism, so the boy stepped forward to the edge of the pond, so he was only ten feet away.

"Who are you, fair maiden?" he called out to the Girl on the Pond.

"I am but a girl bound to this stone forever," the girl responded. She held up a slender wrist and he saw that a manacle with a black chain kept her bound to the stone, and with only a few feet of chain between her and the rock. "I have been here for quite sometime, and so I have learned a great many things. I shall give you what you seek, if you wish it, boy."

The young man was outraged with the injustice against the maiden. How could such a fair girl be treated so? But he did not dwell on the thought for long, because the words she said tempted him.

"What I seek? You mean you can grant wishes?" the woodcutter said, stupefied.

"Yes, my dear boy. I can tell from your eyes that there is something you want indeed, is there not? Wish for it, and it will come into being."

The woodcutter knew what he wanted, for it was always something he longed for in his dreams. He knelt on his knees and pleaded,

"Please, fair maiden, I wish for a chest filled with gold and all the gems I can think of."

The girl did not smile at his wish, but her face was usually devoid of emotion. She lifted her hand and pointed out to the forest, her blue hair swishing around her like snakes. Finally, she clapped her hands and then she relaxed.

"Go home," she said, "your wish has come true."

The young man did not pause to thank her, but he did run home as quickly as he could. Strangely, he did not get lost to the way back to his village, and he was thankful for this at least. He ran into his hut and sure enough, he saw a chest of wood, engraved with symbols he did not understand. He opened it and he nearly fainted with joy, for what he saw was more riches than he had ever seen in his entire life. He did not hesitate to brag about his good fortune with others, and soon others set out to find the Pond too, yet all went home in disappointment. Meanwhile, the boy had a stately mansion built for himself, full of all the best things gold could buy. He dressed himself in fancy clothes and strutted about the town as if he were king himself.

It was soon that he decided he needed a bride. So the boy set out into town to find a suitable one. Yet, he felt that none of the women were good enough for him.

"I am a noble now, I do not need to marry a peasant." he said. So he went out into the forest again, this time with a new purpose. He found that it was not difficult to find the pond again, and so he boldly walked up to the pond and again he beheld the girl.

The girl was different somehow, though he could not find words to describe it. Her image was sharper, and less delicate. She was closer to the shore than she had been before. She stood out in the lake, not three feet from her rock, the chain on her wrist chiming in the wind. Her blue eyes sparkled with recognition and she waved to him.

"I take it you have come for another wish?" the maiden asked calmly.

"Please, fair maiden, I wish to have a wife as beautiful as the morning sky and as gentle as the moon." the young man requested.

The girl again pointed her hand out to the forest, and then he saw that her fingernails were long and sharp like daggers. Her hair whirled about her and she clapped her hand once more.

"Go home. You shall see that your wish has been granted," the girl said.

The woodcutter once again did not bother himself to thank her and ran out into the forest back home. He again had no trouble and so when he got home he was still full of energy to see what awaited him.

To his wonder, a beautiful maiden stood outside his house. She was as lovely as the morning sky and her manner was as gentle as the moon. So he loved her, but not more than he loved himself, for his heart was full of pride and greed. He lived in peace for a while, and enjoyed taking walks through the town. Mostly he enjoyed bragging about his good fortune, and so it was not long until the town thought ill of him.

"He's so vain." "Why does he not share his fortune with us?” were some of the comments that circulated about him. Soon the young man became enraged with the jealous words of his town mates.

"How dare they speak ill of me," he would say, "when I am the richest person in town? I should have control over them!"

So the rich young man ran out to the forest again. He found the pond easier than he had before, even though he had put no effort into memorizing the way.

He saw the girl standing on the pond, but she was very close to the shore now. The chain that bound her to the stone seemed to be much longer than it had originally, and it brushed against the water in the breeze. Through the mist he could clearly see her eyes, and while they still shone blue, he saw that her eyes resembled a cat's more than a humans.

"You have come for another wish? My, have you not so much already?" the girl said.

"Don't be ridiculous! There is still so much more I need! Maiden, I wish to be king of this lowly place, so that I may rule strictly over my impudent subjects." the man said.

The girl did not respond with words, yet she did the same motions with her hands. When she was finished, she told him the same words that she had told him many times before. So he ran home again.

As he walked through the town, he saw that the villagers bowed before him and gave him praise. They led him to where his mansion was to be, yet in its place stood a castle of vast size. It had rooms made of ivory or gems or gold, and its towers glistened in the sun like crystal. It was enough that a normal man would be shocked to see, yet for the greedy young man it was barely enough to quench his thirst. No sooner had he sat on his throne was he overcome with greed and a lust for power, and the riches he had received from the Girl on the Lake did not prove to be enough for him. So he burdened his new country with heavy tax and raided nearby kingdoms, all for new wealth to add to his coffers. Yet despite this, he gave his gold to no one, and so his kingdom became incredibly poor.

Years passed in this way. The young king grew into a very old one, but his love for power did not falter. If anything, it increased, adding to the suffering of his people. Yet the maiden had granted the king absolute power over his realm, and so nothing would change until the king's death.

So it was a dreary day, choked with mist that the king discovered that he was getting to old to live much longer, and the thought terrified him to his old bones. He wished to live in luxury forever, but he saw that it was impossible. Then he remembered the girl on the pond, and how her magic had made this all come to be.

If she could do all this for me, the old king thought, then why not make me live forever?

So the old king left his castle for the first time in many years and set out alone to the forest with the pond. He had to stop many times, for he was very old and weary. Yet finally, he made it to the clearing. He did not see the girl, but he did see that the low mist was thick and cold. It swarmed around his ankles, sucking the warmth from his body. The old king ignored this and walked to the edge of the pond. He called out for the maiden to appear at the top of his trembling old voice until his body shook. He was about to give up hope when he heard the girl's voice.

"It has been awhile. I take it you have come for your final wish?" the voice said.

The king jumped back, startled when the girl appeared in front of him. She was at the very edge of the pool, so close that she could have reached her arm out to touch the old king. She smiled at him, revealing long sharp fangs that were white as snow. Her hair did not seem to gently float this time; rather it seemed to be alive as it thrashed about her violently. The shackle around her wrist was gone. The king was filled with trepidation, yet it was not enough to halt his need for a wish.

"Your wish?" the creature asked.

"I wish to live forever!" the king demanded.

The girl smiled and licked her lips.

"Is that truly what you want?"

"I am the king, and so you have no right to deny me. Grant me my wish or I shall have you slayed like all other who have defied me," the old king shouted.

The girl did not reply, but she held her hand out to him. Her long sharp fingernails glowed green and flickered as they moved closer to him.

"Very well. Come here." she said.

So the king came closer, and the girl cupped his trembling chin in her hand. She gazed into his eyes and the world about him seemed to go into a haze, with her eyes the only clear feature.

"You shall live forever as you wished, but not as you think," the girl said.

The frightened king did not understand her words. He tried to run away. Instead, the mist wrapped around his feet and anchored him to the ground. It slowly crawled up his legs, up to his shoulders and around his throat.

"I was chained here by greed, and like me you too will be trapped here. You shall live in this pond forever. You shall keep watch here forever. For you shall guard this pond in my place, and you shall always look upon your sins until another appears to save you with their own."

The king uttered a cry of terror and struggled away, but the girl's nails stabbed into his chin, halting his movement, allowing trickles of blood to run and drop on the tendrils of mist that seemed to have solidified around him. It tugged him and dragged him closer to the water's edge, and soon he felt the water lapping at his heels.

"Please! I'll change my ways!" the king rasped, but the girl paid him no heed. She walked onto the shore, free for the very first time. She walked out into the forest, and as she did so she seemed to fade away, until there was nothing left of her at all.

The last sound he heard was her laugh.

With a final tug from the mist the king tripped and fell into the pond, where the water consumed him. Deeper he sunk, and suddenly his arm felt heavy. He saw that a chain had encircled it, and it would not release him despite his struggle. His lungs burning painfully, the king gasped, but only took in the chilling water and not air. It was in the way that the king's body died, but his wretched spirit lived on.

Hundreds of years later, a little girl became lost in a forest during a berry hunt. Oh, how she wished to find her home! Trembling and crying, she found a clearing with a pond in it. She gazed out to the center of the pond and she saw an old man sitting on a stone, his wrist chained to the rock. His clothes that had been once fine were withered and tattered, and the crown on his head was crooked and dull. His skin was grey and wrinkled. He lifted his old scraggly head up to her and smiled, revealing long pointed fangs.

"Good evening, young girl. I take it that you have a wish?"


___

END.

Usually I go through a story with my bold print red pen and point out all the faults I possibly can and be a total, well, critic. I mark every comma mistake, every mistaken line break, every spelling error, and every other thing I deem below the highest quality of writing. As you can see above, there is no quote. That alone should tell you something.

For the second time in my two years on YWS I actually enjoyed reading a story. There was no editing work to be done; the piece was perfect in that aspect. It was pure... magic. I am at a loss for words. Congratulations. You have a talent. Keep writing; you will go far with your pen.

The only thing I found a little, tiny bit disagreeable was the fact that the chain gained length as the man made wishes. There was no actual explanation, besides something about greed being the reason the lady was locked to the rock (which made sense, not not in the chain-enlonging aspect). As with all fairy tails, you have to just play along with some things, but I really, truly think you can add or edit a sentence to explain in brief why the chain got longer with each wish. Did it "absorb" the greed from the man to grow or something around those lines?

Keep writing, and never stop,
~RO

Like the reviewer above, I enjoyed this. I won't nitpick fully, but only point out some recurring problems I had - then I'll move on to some more general positives and negatives.

Nitpicks

He threw his axe into the air? Really? It's a great idea, but I somehow doubt that he would throw it in the air, even in rage, assuming that it has to come down again. That could have been a problem.

You seem to change your mind as to whether the MC is a "boy" or a "young man". To me, "young man" is very late teens or early twenties, whereas "boy" is about twelve. I have the same discrepancy with the Girl on the Pond, who you sometimes refer to as a Girl on the Lake. Keep it constant when you have no names in your piece.

You use a lot of adverbs. Adverbs are fine in moderation, but make sure you're not taking it too far. For example, "the man in his rage disdainfully threw the axe" is overkill. He's obviously angry, so you don't need to add "disdainfully". Of course, in my opinion none of that justifies throwing your axe into the air unless he's suicidal, but I think I went over that.

Watch your dialogue punctuation. Occasionally, it's rickety. Here's Demeter's article on punctuating dialogue. My penny's worth would be not to over-stretch yourself with dialogue until you've conquered the basics, i.e. where commas are necessary and where they aren't.

I worry that the next victim is apparently a little girl. There's something very predatory about that, even for this kind of fairytale. Maybe change her to a "young woman"?

I don't think I spotted many typos, but please check through and ensure that all your apostrophes are in the right place, etc.

General

This is by no means an ordinary fairytale, but you've written it in ordinary fairytale style. Your dialogue is (oddly considering the voice) spot on, but the prose itself is sometimes clunky. Try not to repeat yourself too often, and don't oversimplify. I know this is probably intended for a younger audience, but even so, an adult needs to appreciate it if they're going to read it to a child. I'd suggest reading aloud to catch those awkward sentences that don't quite fit with the rest of the piece.

I suppose this could probably count for a nitpick, but what would happen to someone who wished for something beneficial to another person? I don't know whether you think anyone would, but assuming a person did, would they still be "chained [t]here by greed"? It was a persistent thought while reading.

I think I've covered most of the points I wanted to, so I'll finish here. It's always interesting to see a new take on a classic way of writing, and you've definitely polished off the fairytale format. Keep writing.

- Jet.

At first, you lost me with "once upon a time, he did this/she did that," but , skimming through the comments of Romance Otaku, I decided to keep reading. It's simply a style I'm not used to, which is what threw me off at the beginning.

Once upon a time, in a town so unknown that it did not have a name to speak of...

The second part of this doesn't flow well. I suggest something like "in a small town of no consequence..." or such.

However, it could be said that his poverty was partially his fault, for he was a lazy boy that spent more time dreaming than working.

Minus the "however" at the beginning, and it improves the flow.

The forest outside of the village was very beautiful. It had trees that were broad and healthy, with life that scurried across their branches. The animals were also beautiful there, each creature more graceful than the last. It was rumored that the lovely place was enchanted with good and dark magic. The woodcutter did not pay this much heed, for he only believed in what he could see.

This needs to be reworded. The descriptions you have is good imagery, but they don't fit together.

The man in his rage disdainfully threw his axe into the air, but to his surprise it did not come down. Rather, it hovered for a moment in the air before floating away deeper into the forest. The young man, not wanting to lose his only axe, followed it hopelessly into the woods.

As Jetpack stated, this is unrealistic... that he throws it into the air, I mean. (I had to clarify because this is a fairytale, after all). What you can do instead is have him throw it into the woods, and discover it at the edge of the pond.

"Yes, my dear boy. I can tell from your eyes that there is something you want indeed, is there not? Wish for it, and it will come into being."

Instead of using "dear boy" all the time, you can use other things to describe his youth, i.e., young one, fair youth, etc. Also, she can call him things related to his station, i.e., humble/lowly woodcutter, etc.

To his wonder, a beautiful maiden stood outside his house. She was as lovely as the morning sky and her manner was as gentle as the moon.

I think it would be appropriate to have the woman even better than he imagined, which would kindle his greed even more, or what he wishes is simply better than what he imagines.

"Don't be ridiculous! There is still so much more I need! Maiden, I wish to be king of this lowly place, so that I may rule strictly over my impudent subjects." the man said.

I like how we can see his character changing; at the beginning, he was like "poor, pretty girl," and later, he cares more about what she gives him. Good job with that.

"I was chained here by greed, and like me you too will be trapped here. You shall live in this pond forever. You shall keep watch here forever. For you shall guard this pond in my place, and you shall always look upon your sins until another appears to save you with their own."

Had to agree with Jetpack on this one. What happens when someone asks a good wish? Perhaps you could do something like... he's released as you say, or he has to help someone/ grant a certain number of good wishes/ etc. You could make this into a very interesting plot twist.

Overall, good. Your descriptions are lovely, making your world really come alive. My suggestion is that you add more details, read your work out loud, and keep writing. PM me if you need anything.

*Seraph*

That was great. To me it didn't have a dull moment. It seem like a classic fairytale that has been read for centuries. And not to forget a memorable lesson was also thrown in there. So I hope to read more from you in the future.

Sincerely, SkillfulAmerica.

This was good. I enjoyed it a lot. I would love to see a second story like this. Also make sure your commas are in the right places. Beside that keep up the good work.

Oh Esther!
Long time no story telling! First thing I read back on YWS and i couldn't be more glad I'm back.
Please never stop writing. It seems all the nitpicks have been caught, and like ST the only thing that slightly deterred me was the "Once upon a time."
Zib

I really enjoyed reading this story. Did you create the idea yourself or is it an old story that you've re-invented? I only noticed one or two things that I would change but they have already been commented on above. I look forward to reading more of your work. You have a writing style that really captures the reader. Well done.