Daddy

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You wake up drenched in cold sweat. The bedclothes are dripping, and you realise that you’ve wet yourself. Your favourite pyjamas, the ones with the little footballs, are spoilt. You close your eyes, ashamed.
Another nightmare. This one, about a big, hungry fire that tackled your house, sent everything you owned to the land of cinders. You let out a whimper, looking around. Your favourite teddy bear is lying next to you; tranquil. Your room is intact, the walls as damp as ever. This comforts you. The fire didn’t smother dampness with crackling ash.

The fire didn’t happen. It was all just a dream.

But, still, you are feeling uneasy. You pull your thin blanket around your body, squeezing into your school plimsolls. You have to find Daddy. He will make it better. He will probably scold you for being a coward, because big boys don’t cry. But you can deal with that. As long as he is there.

You venture out of your room, finding yourself in the small corridor, packed full with boxes. Daddy had insisted on cramming the whole flat in to those boxes. When you asked why, he had stomped his foot on the ground, making the whole Earth shake. He muttered something about the landlord being a-

He said a bad word then, didn’t he? You covered your ears, because bad words are naughty. Teacher had said so. But afterwards Daddy said sorry, sorry, and pulled you into his grip.
“I’ll get you out of this,” he whispered into your ear. “I promise.”

But that conversation was a long time ago, maybe last week. And you still don’t understand why those boxes are there. You wade through them, wondering whether to go in to the kitchen or Daddy’s room first. Once, Daddy shouted at you for going in to his room, so you opt for the kitchen.

You push the door open, but it’s empty. The single chair that sits by the table is vacant; cold. There is a chocolate wrapper on the floor, and instinctively you pick it up; lick the remains of chocolate out. You haven’t had chocolate in a long time, and wonder why Daddy didn’t bother sharing his.

You drop the wrapper back on the floor, because the bin is overflowing and it smells bad. You don’t want to touch it. Taking one last looking at the greyish walls, you leave, deciding that you will have to look in Daddy’s room after all.

It is dark in his room, and that frightens you. The curtains are closed, and the shadows creep up the walls, threatening to gobble you up. You reach for the light switch, but it’s too high up. Even when you stretch your arm so much that you are sure it will snap, you can’t reach it. You whimper again, calling to Daddy over and over. He doesn’t reply.

You are very scared now. Your nightmare whispers to you with every step you take. It caresses you with its nasty, burning fingers.

And Daddy’s not here to make it better.

There’s nowhere else to look for him. You don’t have a ‘living room’, like Mickey does. Mickey is your friend from school, but he lives in a big house, with two whole floors. You don’t understand why Mickey’s house is so much bigger than yours. Why it smells of flowers and soap, while yours smells of toilet.

You have an idea then, to see if Daddy is in the toilet down the hall. You have to share your toilet with a lot of people. Those people scare you, don’t they? They shout sometimes; red eyed and fierce. You bumped in to one of them once, and he hit you. Hard. Daddy punched him right back in the face. Swore at him in a very scary voice. You watched the whole thing, wanting to cry. Not because of your arm – even though that stung, and continued to sting for days afterwards - but because you were afraid. Afraid that the man would hurt your daddy. You don’t remember how it happened, but in the end things turned out fine; the horrid man ended up on the floor, and you and Daddy ran back home.

You’ve never been to the toilet by yourself. Daddy never let you; and after that occasion you had no intention to. But today is different.

You make your way to the front door, standing on your very tiptoes to open the latch. You’ve seen Daddy do it enough times to know how to do it yourself. It opens after some fumbling, and you pull on the door until the gap is wide enough for you to slide through. Still on your tiptoes, you scurry down the dank hall. Voices echo from wall to wall; footsteps pound above you, below you. You pass an old, shrivelled man, fast asleep on the ground with his mouth wide open. A cigarette butt clings dotingly to his bottom lip.

Finally, you reach the toilet door. You wander in, only to be screamed at by a bunch of girls. You run out, embarrassed. The girl’s toilet is no place for a boy. Your eyes have misled you. The men’s toilet is next door.

You push open the heavy door, confronted by the ritual stench. You cover your nose, scanning the urinals. There are a few men in there, but none of them Daddy. You’re too scared to ask if they have seen him, so you walk back out.
You wonder what to do next. He’s nowhere to be found. You run halfway down the corridor before, to your mortification, you begin to cry. You’re scared. You’ve wet yourself again. You’re in a mess. But no one cares. So you limp home in your too-tight shoes.

A woman waits by your door. She is smart, her hair tied up in a tight, official, bun. She is wearing a starched suit; and her expression is one of disgust. She doesn’t belong here. She spots you as you get closer, but she makes no move. When you get really close she kneels down, and her face - stitched tightly together - loosens. You feel embarrassed. Daddy always told you to look smart in front of ladies, and here you are, urine clinging to your pyjama bottoms. She smiles at you, but her face remains sharp. You’re not sure about her.
“Are you Charlie Prong?”
You nod.
“Do you know a certain Eddie?”
“That’s my daddy’s name,” you stutter, wondering how this tangy smelling woman knows the both of you. Maybe she’s your mummy, the one who ‘upped up and left’ when you were small. But before you can open your mouth to ask, the woman speaks again.
“Well, my name is Jenna, and I’m from the Social Services. We think we got a call from your daddy. He wants you to come with us.”
Last edited by Lilicia on Sun Sep 12, 2010 1:58 pm, edited 3 times in total.
“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale.”

~Hans Christan Andersen




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Wow. Very interesting!!! I liked how you made me feel like I was scared. But with these emotions, I got from it that he was a girl and it came a great shock when he turned out to be a boy... You see, boy narrations should talk more about not being scared because Daddy said not to or something. I mean, I know you did but I just need something more...
Especially the part about the nightmare carressing him creeped me out. Well done! :D
I hope the seires goes on!!!!!
CHOW FOR NOW,
sionarama
"You may not be educated well in the areas of etiquette and the like as a princess, but you do throw some bashing good parties!"
Not all princesses are pink sparkles.
Exhibit A




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Ooh. I liked this, and then never reviewed it.

I don't usually advocate for the use of "you" when writing. Too often, it's confusing and creates a crack in the realism of the story, leading to an uninteresting and usually flat read. However, as I read this I quickly discovered that your use of the subject "you" didn't create any of the usual difficulties. You developed the character of the little boy quite well, despite the fact that I initially saw your choice as a literary cop-out.

This is really an exceptional little piece, although there were a few tiny details that I got hung up on.

First, the concept of the bathroom existing outside the house. Because we have very little in the way of setting description, here, it is only after quite a bit of confusion that the reader is able to reorient himself. I think with a little tweaking you could eliminate this issue right off the bat, by clarifying where exactly this little guy lives.

The gender of the narrator is also a little ambiguous, and I guess this doesn't really matter. However, I really like to have a solid grip of a character, especially when being addressed throughout the story. Even something as little as describing the pajamas as being stereotypically bought for boys (spaceships, etc) could really make everything seem sharper.

Something nit-picky that I did want to mention, also, now that I think about it, is that I was really disoriented when the boy referred to the man in the doorway as a tramp. Your narrator's voice doesn't really lend itself to such specific categorization and I would love to see a flash of the description I see in other parts of your story go to work here.

The ending of your story did leave me a touch confused. Throughout the story you have created the father as someone who is protective of his child (not letting him go to the bathroom by himself, punching the other man), and then he abandons him? Calls Social Services? Why? Such a man would, surely, be too proud to admit that he couldn't take care of his own child, or would surely feel obligated to justify himself to the boy?

Aside from that, I am really blown away by the description in your writing. You have really grasped the essence of what it's like to be a child. Great work!
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Wow! This is definatly on of the best things I've read in a while. I thought you captured a small child's point of view perfectly, but for most of the story I thought it was a little girl. Still I loved it and really hope to see more from you.




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Thanks so much for the reviews! They were helpful (:
“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale.”

~Hans Christan Andersen




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Aw I felt sorry for the boy. Why did his daddy call social services? Like Shepard said, I thought he was protective of his child. I love this piece. It's so sad but still nice. I hope you write more.
~Ladypurple.
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I never get to read a lot stories using the second person, and you wrote it pretty well!
Awh, it was too bad for a little boy looking for his dad for comfort.
I just wanted to know what ever happened to his dad.
HAHA.

Oh well, I liked it!
Hope to read some more of your works. :)

Keep writing. XD

-KAT <3
REVIEW!!!
'cause I review back. XD XD XD




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I really liked this piece, and I agree with Shepherd about using "you" in a story, some people don't know how to use it right(that would be me) but you did it well, because I really felt like I was in the story, feeling those emotions.

Also,I think you should add to the main character a bit, make it clearer that hes a boy, and maybe describe some traits about him(just enough to get an idea)

But I would understand why the father would call Social Services, because when you show that he is so protective your also showing that he cares deeply for him, and maybe he doesn't want him to grow up in that living environment, so he knew it was better to call Social Services(or at least that's what I think you were aiming for)

When you wrote "But that conversation was a long time ago, maybe last week." I don't know, a week doesn't sound to long.

But other than that you did a good job getting the readers attention, and keeping it until the end.

Keep writing! -ShayM




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Thanks for the advice guys! :)
“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale.”

~Hans Christan Andersen




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I love how you write this in second person. I don't usually come across work like this that I like. I like how you use memories to explain the circumstances of the child. I love this story and might just look at your other writing.
Have a great day



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