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* Nothing magical so far, but that's to come, I found this, and it's at least a couple of years old, but I 'dusted it off'a bit and now I'm letting you have a look. *

I finally came home to Shipwreck Isle, the summer of my 15th birthday. I knew that it wasn't just a coincidence that my father received a job as a hotel manager on this island, where he lived his whole life before he married my mum, who also lived here when they decided they wanted to be nomads. It seemed a bit queer to me, Shipwreck Isle, was known for Ship wrecks, countless ship wrecks and what's even weirder is that most bodies were not found. No one ever seemed to survive .The thought really crept me out .That and the fact that Shipwreck Isle was supposed to be a haven for mythical creatures, not just any but vampires and thousands of people were burned at stake for witchcraft, too. A lot of the older people seemed to still believe in the tales. I didn't really believe the part about vampires. Shipwreck Isle was sunny throughout most of the year, you see.
Anyway, the village my parents moved us to was called "Fate”, I thought that was a really crappy and cheesy name, but whatever. When I got out of the car I almost wanted to run back in.
not only did Fate sound crappy, it also looked crappy with all the little neat houses and friendly looking people that all looked about 60. I mean there is nothing wrong with little neat houses and friendly looking 60 year olds, but that just wasn’t my thing.
So as I walked to our little house showing as little remorse as I could ...oh Who am I kidding I glared at my parents the whole time ,I glared at the friendly looking neighbors ,who had come out into the lawn, these ones were about seventy and probably with horrible eyesight as they didn't notice me glaring. They were a man and a woman, both grey headed and pleasant looking, but I didn't care. I already hated everyone who lived here. They were so happy and care free and it was irritating. They didn't know what it's like to have to move every two years, because of a father who just couldn't seem to settle down and a mother who loved change. I hated change. It bothered me, it really did.
"Welcome to Fate, welcome, my name is George.”- The guy spoke in an old, tired voice that attempted, and failed, to sound cheerful.
"Thank you, we hope we’ll be able to call it a home, soon”- My mum returned the warm smile in the direction of the woman. I almost snorted. Home. Like they knew what that was. They promised though, that we will settle down here at Shipwreck Isle, my mum got a steady job at the arts museum close by, too. Usually all she did was paint pictures and sell them .Normally she didn't get paid much .I thought over that stuff while the adults chatted away.
"And who might this lovely young lady be?" - The woman asked as she turned her baby blue eyes towards me .I could tell that a long time ago she was really beautiful, before the wrinkles and the silver hair.
“My name is Lizzie ." - I said, almost smiling for the first time ,there was something that made you feel comfortable to be around this old woman for some reason.
"Elizabeth, she means, Elizabeth." - My mum hurried to correct me. Elizabeth IS a pretty name, I admit .But somehow I always preferred Lizzie, so much simpler, you know?
The woman seemed to understand that I'd rather be called Lizzie and she gave me an encouraging look.
"Well that's simply great, isn’t it, Liz." - The old man looked at his wife-"You two share a name." I didn't understand what was so great about it but everyone looked like they agreed with him.
"Oh and you simply must meet out grandson.” - Elizabeth said, excitedly. Then she lowered her voice - "He used to live on the other side of the island but-” She seemed to change her mind about what she was going to say and she said "Well, anyway he's a newcomer, too. His name is Jake. He's 16 ."
"Oh that would be lovely."-My mother answered before I could. -"She needs a bit of company, now that she's new here and he probably does, too.
"Well, he's not in at the moment." - Elizabeth told my mum. - "But, I’ll have him drop by as soon as he gets here.”
"That would be great."- My mum flashed a wide grin .I was angry at her. I didn't need her to take care of my social life for me.
They chatted for a little longer and then we finally walked into the house. Thankfully, it was already furnished to perfection and it had all the needed appliances any household required. My mum blindfolded me and led me to my room. I hoped I'd like it .I knew I'd like it, actually. My mum had a great style, as an artist and she had helped design my room.
It took a bit longer than I thought but soon she removed the blindfold. That's when I saw my room for the first time .Larger than I expected, very sunny, colored in soft lavender paint it really did look inviting. In the middle of it there was a bed with a lavender cover and a bookshelf next to it, large enough for all my books, which really was an accomplishment, as I loved to read. My room faced southward and there was a large window, before it stood a desk with my own new laptop. The floor was made of wood and there were some of my favorite photos already hung on the wall! I didn't know how that happened. Next to the window there was a door and I was lead to my own balcony. It was very inviting, too. Not really big, but big enough for a small garden chair and a tiny coffee table. I fell in love with it, especially as my mum led me out of my room to my own private bathroom and a tiny room that used to be a storage room, for my own built in wardrobe along with a make up table and a large mirror. It really was tiny in here, hardly enough for two people to be in it at the same time, yet one person was quiet comfortable and that didn't bother me as only one person would be using it right?
"I love it mum, thanks!"
My mum chuckled joyfully and kissed me lightly on the cheek. All the bad mood I had vanished, suddenly and I forgot to be sulky about the whole moving in thing. Maybe that Jake guy would be all right ...maybe we'd be friends and hang out.
After, we had a good look at the house, which was larger than it seemed on the outside; I finally went to take a shower, good thing I had packed THOSE essentials in a separate bag! The hot water fell on my back, and it felt so good and relaxing I didn't want to get out. I thought about all the places I'd lived at. ,England, New Zealand ,Australia ,America ,and now Shipwreck Isle .The home of my parents and their parents ,who died before I had a chance to meet them , and since they didn't have any brothers or sisters I didn't have any close relatives. Or any relatives that I knew of for that matter.
As soon as I was finished I did what I hadn't done properly for the past two days, I went to bed and slept soundly until noon the next day. I hadn't been getting much sleep because, mainly I didn't have much time with all the packing ,last minute worries and good byes to the few people we had befriended . When I woke up, I wasn't sure what day it is, but then I saw the date on my phone and I realized it was the next day, really.
I brushed my teeth and dragged down stairs, my hair was still messy and I had on an oversized grey shirt and large blue boxers, my favorite pajamas. My eyes were still barely opened as I mumbled “Mum, What’s for breakfast?"
I opened my eyes and saw my mum looking at me astonished ,my dad eyeing me confused...and a boy ,a really cute boy in my kitchen ,who was eyeing me suddenly alerted , and I suddenly realized I looked like something out of a horror movie.
That woke me up quick enough.
"I'll be right back." - I said as I raced up the stairs.
When I was finally in my room, I took out a bag and opened it. I got out my favorite baggy jeans that were a little faded and my navy skin tight shirt. I went to my wardrobe room and I brushed my long, brown hair down .I looked in the mirror. I wasn't really tall and I had a little bit of tummy fat I wanted to get rid of .My face was pretty clear thanks to all the scrubs I had used and really I did not look bad. The guy, who was probably Jake, looked way out of my league ,though. He had messy ,brown hair and piercing blue eyes, his face had lost all the puppy fat and roundness and he looked taller than most sixteen year olds I knew, and somehow more muscular ,but not like those guys that lift weights or anything ,just stronger ,nicely shaped.
I walked down the stairs again, after I had fished out my make up bag and applied a little bit of lip gloss and flashed all of them a smile. "Sorry, 'bout that, didn’t know we had visitors.” - I eyed the guy who was supposedly Jake and flashed a wide grin at him.
Last edited by Hecate on Mon Aug 09, 2010 10:06 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Hey!
Other than a few grammatical errors, this is a very nice intro into a story! I liked it, really. I don't know if you plan on expanding upon this storyline, but I think you should. The MC Lizzie seems interesting and worth a longer tale. The only thing I found a bit troubling was the beginning. It was hard to get into at first, but once Lizzie was done venting about having to move to Shipwreck Isle, I was drawn into the flow better. Hope this helps! :)

--Bailey
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux




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Aloha Stelagineva,
Here to review as requested! *puts on reviewing cape*

I think that even though you were writing in first person, you portrayed Lizzie's character very well through the way that she talked to people and her own views about everything that was happening. The dialogue was very realistic and well written, you used a good amount and keep that going for the next part of this story. You also paced this story very well, I felt engaged through a lot of this.


Sometimes I thought that your writing lacked description. For example, when you talk about a certain room, you just say what furniture was in there. That's good, but not enough. Talk about what colour they were, add in a simile or a metaphor. Talk about the atmosphere of the room, you could use the five senses to help.


I noticed quite a few grammatical errors, like you didn't start a sentence with a capital letter. Also, look at this sentence:
The cat was sly, cunning and smart. The comma is supposed to go after sly.
The cat was sly ,cunning and smart. Often, you put the comma here.

Also for the title (working title). I thought you could use one of these for now
1. Fate
2. Shipwreck Isle


Hopefully, that last bit made sense. So, I hope I helped! PM me when you get the next bit up!

~Tamara
:) xo
Someone told me there's a girl out there, with love in her eyes and flowers, in her hair.



He who knows only his own generation remains forever a child.
— Cicero