Ambition

Hullo there, Virsanity! iceprincess here to review again!

Nitpicks first!

We struggle our rights by our own blood

Did you mean by "we struggle for our rights" instead? Or did you mean entirely something else instead?

We grow fruits by hand
We dig our toes into the sand

I'm sorry, but I found these two sentences a bit random in your poem. I can't explain it, but it just feels...weird.

We are empowered to do our pledge

Wait, what pledge?

We prevent strife!

First, how do you do so? And secondly, it feels a bit weird to have an exclamation mark right in the middle of the poem when you haven't put any punctuation marks in the whole thing, so you can either put punctuation throughout the whole poem or you don't.

Again, like what I said when I reviewed your other poem about growing up, you have a great theme for your poems but you try too hard to make the whole thing rhyme. It really obstructs the flow of the whole poem and it feels awkward. Remember, not all poems completely rhyme; they can rhyme on every other line, or they can not rhyme at all! Here is a useful link about how to rhyme properly in your poems, and hopefully it will help you!

Keep writing, and feel free to PM me anytime!

~iceprincess =]

Hey there Virsanity! Iceprincess just about summed it up. The main problem with this poem is that you are struggling to rhyme. I could see you writing "We love our life," and then going through the alphabet ... bife? Nope, not a word. Dife? Eife? Then, when you found the word "strife," you thought, "Aha! What a great word! I think I can use it here!"

No, that's not how poetry is supposed to be. In poetry, you think of the words first, then you add the meter, and then you add the rhyme.

I hope this helps.

- Abigail

Hey there! Nice message you're portraying here! There are a few bits however that I'd say may need a little work.

Virsanity wrote:We are the children of God

Great way to start!

Virsanity wrote:We love our life
We prevent strife!

Although this rhymes well, I think you could definitely use something else. It sounds a bit amature to use it like that. I don't think you'd even need to rhyme just find a better way of expressin what you're trying to say.

Virsanity wrote:We are molded to be inspire

*moulded* to be inspireD*


We have our ambition to succeed' - i think tihs could be expressed in a different way? 'It is our ambition to succeed? it would be better english...

Hope I've helped! Nice work and keep it up!

thanks for the review, ps edited some mistakes ^^

Hey! First of all, great poem, secondly, nice rhyme scheme (you know, AABB. really effective).

We learn and share our knowledge
We are empowered to do our pledge

I wasn't quite sure about these lines, as knoledge and pledge dont rhyme really. Just a little heads up
Keep writing!
Georgie
xox

Hello there virsanity. You have a good poem here, but your main problem is that you struggle a lot with the rhymes. Here in this piece some verses are rhyming, some are forced to rhyme and some are not at all rhyming and this is not a good for a poem. You need to be consistent. If you are rhyming, then rhyme the whole lot and when you are not, then don't at all bother to rhyme your work. There is nothing much to nitpick for me because all of them have already been done by the previous reviewers but do keep in mind the rhyming.
Keep writing.