The Ocean Ripples

My 8 year old daughter loves this website and is inspired by it. She has had some kind and helpful reviews and has used the suggestions therein in this, the first chapter of her latest story. She would love some encouraging reviews!

The Ocean Ripples
By Lottie

Chapter 1 – Lois is stuck!

My name is Sammy. I’ve just moved house to Cornwall and it’s already fun. My older sister, Lois, is just doing up my lifejacket. She’s finished now, so I can climb the cliff!
“Sammy, I don’t want to swim. It looks really deep; shall we have a race to the top?” Lois asked. I scratched my head because I wasn’t sure I wanted to race up. Lois sighed and jumped into the sea; she seemed to have changed her mind.

I clambered up the cliff easily, though I was worried about coming down. I was up the cliff in no time at all, staring down at my sister floating in the water.
“Sammy! Sammy! Wanna play a game of tennis up there?” shouted Amanda. Amanda is my cousin and she is at the seaside with Lois and me.
“Yeah! I’ve got a secret to tell you!” I shouted back.
“I’ll come down to tell you!” I shouted.
“No way. Going up the cliff is much, much better!” shouted Amanda.

I was about to protest but she climbed up all the same.
“Yeah, what was it?” asked Amanda.
“If Lois gets stuck in the water in any way, we won’t help her out,” I said, grinning.
“Okay,” said Amanda, but she didn’t sound too sure.

A scream came from the ocean just as we had finished talking. We looked down.
Lois’s lifejacket had come off and only her head was floating above the water.
“Lois!” Amanda screamed. I burst out laughing. Amanda was so near the edge of the cliff face; she could fall into the water herself.
“LOIS!” yelled Amanda, louder this time.

The people sitting on the sand below us looked up from their picnics, then they carried on eating their food. Amanda gave one last shout and fell off the cliff into the water. Amanda was my favourite girl in the whole universe. I had to be a man; get her out.

When I had carried them and their lifejackets out of the water, they were dripping. Lois was still holding onto me because of the shock of falling in the water.
“SAMMY! You did not show much respect for Lois, so I’m off to have my hamburger and my box of chips and ketchup, “said Amanda. Amanda found her picnic spot and pulled on a thin summer dress.

Hey Clive (and Clive's daughter, I'm guessing)! That's so cool that you're only eight. I found some of my stories from when I was seven and they were... well. One of them's in the depths of my blog. It ain't pretty. My grammar was awful. But anywho. [/tangent] I'm Stella, and I'll be your reviewer today!

She’s finished now, so I can climb the cliff!

You didn't tell us you were going to climb a cliff in the first place! Why don't you?

Lois sighed and jumped into the sea; she seemed to have changed her mind.

She just changed her mind, just like that?

“Yeah! I’ve got a secret to tell you!” I shouted back.
“I’ll come down to tell you!” I shouted.

I think this might look better:

“Yeah! I’ve got a secret to tell you!” I shouted back. “I’ll come down to tell you!”

When I had carried them and their lifejackets out of the water, they were dripping.

Wow, he just DID that? He must be really strong, but you didn't even tell us how he did so. Why don't you?

II. OVERALL

Firstly, your grammar is so much better than when I was eight- did your parents help you out? It's still great though. The story's pretty interesting too. Sammy choosing not to help Lois is pretty cruel of him, do you think he regrets it later? I'd like to see more of what he thinks about things. That way the story makes sense. Like, if he says something about wanting to stay on the cliff and tell Amanda a secret before he actually does so, it'll make more sense when he does. That way the story will flow better. But even still, this is pretty cool!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

so I’m off to have my hamburger and my box of chips and ketchup

Usually people don't list what they're having for lunch. If you want to say what she's eating,
try something like "I'll just go back to my spot." Then explain that her food's waiting.

“LOIS!”

Italics work just as well here. I can't think of anything else,
so I'll just say this looks like the start of a good piece.

Tell your eight year old daughter that she could write her own Calvin & Hobbes. I think the best thing to do is to keep her stories short though, preserve the innocence. I had no problems with this piece, except for the naming. But that's my own problem. Pronouns, however.

Anyway, tell her she ought to write a ton of these and pile em up. We'll be waiting for her

TheNewHero,

First of all, I'd like to tell you that it's great to write on such high levels when one is so young! It's shows much enthusiasm and excitement for writing. It's very impressive!

Why don't you take out the word "house" in the second sentence. It's unnecessary and confuses the reader.

Try not to put in commas when they are not needed.

When Sammy shouts, try to only use that word once. The second time, maybe you can use the word "scream", or "yell".

At the part when Amanda shouts, try not to use a period, only exclamations, because when someone shouts, you want to express their excitement. Using periods kind of decreases that excitement.

Why would Sammy burst out in laughter if his/her friends are in grave danger?

Amanda just fell off of a cliff. She is bound to be soaking wet and shivering, so why is she just nonchalantly chewing on a burger?

Keep on writing,
Lindsay