Sugary Lips

The shock of thy seduction,
rages deep within my soul,
like a galloping stallion.
Mere gazes from your calming eyes,
and thy silken cloak,
awaken tingling electric arcs,
within my veins.
And if I had a dying wish,
it would be to stare into thy eyes,
and taste your sugary lips,
before bathing in thy scent.
For even if the devil himself,
tears out my heart,
it would still beat for you,
a million times,
and call your name,
among the twinkling stars.

emmylou1995 wrote:The shock of thy seduction,
rages deep within my soul,
like a galloping stallion.
Mere gazes from your calming eyes,
and thy silken cloak,
awaken tingling electric arcs,
within my veins.
And if I had a dying wish,
it would be to stare into thy eyes,
and taste your sugary lips,
before bathing in thy scent.
For even if the devil himself,
tears out my heart,
it would still beat for you,
a million times,
and call your name,
among the twinkling stars.

I really love this poem. Great use of visceral details and metaphors from the start. Your poem makes the reader feel what you're trying to convey, which was done skillfully. I think the use of "thy" is interesting as well. The last six lines were really nice, and I felt you ended the poem well. Keep up the great writing!

Wow, Emmylou1995, this is beautiful!

emmylou1995 wrote:The shock of thy seduction,
rages deep within my soul,
like a galloping stallion.
Mere gazes from your calming eyes,
and thy silken cloak,
awaken tingling electric arcs,
within my veins.
And if I had a dying wish,
it would be to stare into thy eyes,
and taste your sugary lips,
before bathing in thy scent.
For even if the devil himself,
tears out my heart,
it would still beat for you,
a million times,
and call your name,
among the twinkling stars.

You don't need any of the commas I've highlighted in red. I know the desired effect is to make the reader pause at the end of each line, but any good poetry reader will do that regardless of the comma placement.

In the fourth line, I highlighted the word "your" in blue. This is because you use "your" in that line and "thy" in the next line. I would recommend replacing all "thy"s with "your"s in order to sound less archaic, but it's up to you. Whichever you choose, be consistent in your decision.

I especially love the last metaphor, that even if the devil himself tore your heart out, it would still beat for __. Nice work!

At the beginning of each line, try to use capitalization. Grammar is not essential, as a good writer does not need it, but it increases the desired effect.

I wold make it more clear that your lover is not in fact a horse. The poem is very good regardless, and you are an excellent poet. Keep on writing,

~Lindsay