Your Reflection In My Dreams

Stay away from me
I need you to badly
Let the sweet summer air sweep you away
I suggested we grow up fast and not be the last
But look where we are
I saw your reflection in my dreams
And I felt young again
When I saw what we could have been
In all of those years

Hi,

I love the sibilance of "sweet summer air sweep".It really adds to the mood of the piece. The internal rhyme of;
"I suggested we grow up fast and not be the last"
is also great. The ending is very effective.


"I can't breath when your here,
Or when your gone"

should be
"I can't breathe when you're here,
Or when you're gone."

I'd change the first five lines as they are cliche and don't present a strong visual. I'd try for something with more imagery. What is this person physically doing, what does he/she look like, how do they move, how are they unnerving the speaker and how is the speaker physically responding to this? You don't need to put all that in but thinking about these things will help you present a more visual scene.

I'd add punctuation, but that's personal preference so I won't give my suggestions, but if you would like them, feel free to drop me a line.

Hope this helps,

Jas

Hey there KAH. First off, when it comes to spelling or grammar errors I found a few. They're in red.

KAH wrote:Stay away from me
I need you too badly
I can't breath when #FF0000 ">you're here,
Or when #FF0000 ">you're gone
Get away while you can
Let the sweet summer air sweep you away #FF0000 ">The "summer air" thing clashed to me. But that's just me keep it if you like it.
I suggested we grow up fast and not be the last
But look where we are
I saw your reflection in my dreams
And I felt young again
When I saw what we could have been
In all of those years

Now overall, At first I was confused. But it's a good poem. I like the ending.
~Ladypurple.

Hey, Sakin here!

OK, so these are just my little steps that I have for poems. Three steps that make the poem good to me--or something like that!

I love this, and I know this is going to be short, but here I go!
The first line caught me, and I didn't stop, like many poems do, and should do. First step, compete. Second step, wow me. It was short, but that doesn't matter. I was surprised that a poem so sort had such an effect on me! Loved it!
So, second step, complete! Third step now, was to make my time reading it, worth it! And I was glad I took my time to read this piece.
If you need me to review anything else, just shoot me a PM, and I'll take a look!

~xX~Forsakinshadow~Xx~

Hi KAH!

I thought it was a good poem. Nice and short which I didn't mind. But I think this poem could be so much more. There wasn't a lot of imagery in it, so you should add some. Add some more description and describe the reflection and what it means to you.

With a bit of tweaking up, this'll be great! Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf