the elementals (title curtosy of rocksmith)

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what other magical creature should i involve in my story

  • A.) a pheonix No votes
  • B.) a basilisk No votes
  • C.) a werewolf No votes
  • D.) all of the above No votes

Total votes: 0

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I added the introduction because that's how the beginning of my book is right now. Unfortunately I have writers block so enjoy what i have so far.
Partial character introductions

Seraphina= a 14 year old stubborn girl with BRIGHT blue white eyes, an  EXETREMELY long brunette hair that goes down to the back of her knees, if possible it is always in a braid because its so long, thick and curly, her hair might be long but her height is not tall, shes relatively short for her age and has the ability to control the weather and has a mark like a candle flame on the side of her neck which she tries to cover up

Mickinzie=a timid 4 year old with jet black double dozen braids and a vast intelligence and the ability to see the future and although she doesn't have a mark on her neck whenever she goes into a vision her hair turns white and that is why she has to wear a Hood where ever she goes

Jose= a 18 year old guy with a little to obedient attitude and medium long jet black hair extremely tall and slightly built body and has countless abilities concerning his mind and he has the alchemical symbol for the mind on his neck                                  
Prologue


                I hit the ground running, turned a corner and bolted right into the scaly paw of an enormous animal. I tried to run in the other direction but it snatched me up before I could.
"Let go of me!" I writhed " let go of me!"

"Seraphina" I was so surprised that I stopped writhing and it said my name again  was about to ask how the creature knew who I was but before I could
  I was back in my room. My mothers face an inch or two away from mine

"Seraphina wake up!" She said to me shaking me. hard.

"Let me go!" I shouted at her, my words carried out in rhythm with her violent thrashing.

"Oh! you're awake!" She stilled her frantic movements to wake me up and exclaimed

" sorry its just you woke up your sister by screaming and scratching at the wall and she ran to my room to tell me and I got scared!" she was still holding my upper arms when she moved her head to indicate something behind her, her blonde hair swinging in my face and i looked around her and saw my baby sister clutching "puppy" to her chest with both arms

she asked me "Sissy are you OK" and ran to my bedside dropping the stuffed animal along the way my mother let go of my arms as Mickinzie wrapped her arms around my neck and i patted her back without answering the childs question i glanced at the clock, it was 6:45 leaving me ten minutes to get ready for work so with my mothers help i pryed the 4 year old off my neck and bolted into the closet, without thinking i grabbed jeans, a black t-shirt and my silver half shirt which i made myself it reached to half of my rib cage and tied off just under the bust. i ran out of the closet, and into the bathroom to brush and braid my knee length hair. my hair in a tight braid i reached for the gold family prayer necklace which i never take off and a long silver ribbon that i used as a choker and tied off to the side, i ran out of the bathroom to the stairs,grabbing my sneakers along the way, slid down the railing and ran into the kitchen grabbing a cereal bar and kissing my mother and sister goodbye i ran out the door prepared for whatever the world had to throw at me.

Chapter 1First impressions
 

“Hi, my name is Seraphina. I am here for the job opening to move boxes from the boats to the warehouses,” I announced to a man across the table from me

“Oh, I’m sorry. That jobs been filled already, but I hear you are a brown belt in martial arts” he said interested, leaning both elbows against the table

“Um, yes that’s correct. Why?” I asked him, interested in what he had planned

“Well, as you know, there are a lot of.." he tapped his stubble chin as he searched for the right word "complications in this line of work and I want you, Seraphina Charles, to be one of the night guards and patrol the area to check for break-ins along with Jose Oscars and the rest of your division” He looked at me with confidence,but all but shoved me out the door,murmuring about how I was wasting his time. I ignored it so I would have enough time to look for and meet my new partner. When I walked into the mess hall I searched for a table to eat at when i turned around.  i jumped because the girl that was there was not there a couple of seconds ago, and i knew it

"Hi I'm Missy! so your the new addition to the night guards division I'm one of the division myself so I'll help you out while your in with us"she looked to be my age a lot taller though she was and quite hyper if you asked me " so whats your name"

"Seraphina so how did you get into the night division no offense but you look more like the type to go to a help stop global warming rally" i said and we both laughed

" oh do palates and study jujitsu" she started to walk across the room and i followed " so why are you in the night division?" she asked looking me in the eyes

" I'm a brown belt in martial arts" i looked away from her to where we were going " i got kicked out before i got my black belt" i confessed


" how do you get kicked out of martial arts!" she looked at me amusement in her tone of voice

" you don't want to know" i said not wanting to explain

" OK so who did he assign as your partner" she asked me confused and wanting to change the subject

" someone named Jose Oscars" i told her hoping she knew what i was supposed to do tonight

" aw i feel bad for you he doesn't talk to anybody and when he does its like he reads your mind creepy right" she shuddered just looking at him she pointed him out and i went over to say hi and introduce myself he was a tall kid he had long jet black hair and looked seventeen maybe eighteen he had some muscles when i reached his table i noticed he was sitting alone i sat down on the table on his left side and when he noticed me i started to introduce myself he simply held up a hand to stop me

"let me guess your name is Seraphina and you are my new partner" he looked up at me and smiled

all i could say was "how did you know that?" i asked him curious at how he knew my name before i said a word

" you will find out soon enough" he mumbled

" whats that supposed to mean " i was getting frustrated with this kid i had only just met him and i didn't exactly relish in being around him

" nothing nothing its high time we go out and have a quick run through of the grounds" he said grabbing my arm and leading me out the door

" hey man let go " i said extracting my arm from his grip

" oh but you should i mean, i know you i know you very well" he said this like we had already met before today and he stopped and attempted to grab my arm again but i dodged and kicked him square in the chest sending him against the wall

" don't ever say you know me you know nothing about me" i gritted my teeth as i got a really bad headache i winced as the pain got steadily worse

" come on we have to get out of here and get Mickie!" he announced i flinched hearing my baby sisters name

" how do you know Mickinzie" i demanded

" just follow me " he lead me out the doors and into the warehouse yard still holding my arm he yelled " Darya!" and before i could ask who that was a white dragon landed in  directly front of us

Chapter 2Unexpected beginnings


"Whoa" i tilted my head back so far i nearly fell backward Jose tightened his grip, i tried to back away when he started to lead me to the dragons side

" uh-uh no way your getting me up there" there was no way i was going any closer to it i shook his hand off and looked at him stubbornly

" its walk or be carried" he looked down at me with a smug smile on his face i just folded my arms across my chest defiantly and smiled back at him
"you chose" he said and he slung me over his shoulder and carried me the rest of the way and (to my definite surprise) leaped onto its back in a single jump and set me down in front of him and i sucker punched him " hey that hurt" he rubbed his chin "lets go Darya" she vaulted into the crisp if not freezing night air 

"where is your little sister so we can pick her up " i looked at Jose thinking he said it but he just laughed at me and i realized that he hadn't said it Darya had

"you can talk!" i leaned forward surprised

" yes i can never mind that where is your sister?" she asked again, to numb to ask why we needed her i told her that she was probably at the house we had been in the air for ten minutes when i got a bad feeling, my head throbbing, i looked back and sure enough there was another dragon looming behind us, i knew instantly that the fact it was following us was not good

"another one" i said in dismay "it cant get any weirder than this" i thought to myself and i flinched when Jose answered my thought

"oh yes it will, Darya we have to get out of here" he had to shout to be heard, she whipped her head around to look at what we were seeing, her large brown eyes angry, she turned quickly and Jose just managed to grab the spike in front me and told me to do the same

"hold on tight!" he shouted in my ear and she dived towards the earth and much my embarrassment i screamed,and at the last moment she reared and landed in my back yard

"I'll lead him away you go find your sister and meet me back here" she took off and i ran into the house to get my sister and get out of there, i knew that if i didn't get her out of the house we would put our mothers life at risk, i opened the sliding glass door and ran through the house to my sisters room, she was laying in bed sleeping so i packed a backpack with a blanket, her stuffed dog, and some food and water bottles and put a comforter around her and carried her to the door she laid her head on my shoulder and fell back asleep once we were outside Jose came to see Mickinzie

"you never met me but I'm your big brother" he looked at me when he said this the world started to spin around me

"what!- you're our- you can't be!" when truly i believed him i just didn't understand it all

"we'll explain later" i jumped when i heard Darya behind me "let's go! i lead him away but not for long" she lifted me and Mickie onto her back while Jose mounted by himself i settled myself with Mickie in my lap and we took off looking for a place that was safe enough for the night   

Chapter 3Explanations


when we had finally landed in the forest outside city limits i handed Mickie to Jose and got down Jose handed the 4 year old to me and jumped to the ground and landed one leg stretched the other bent and slid up and i sat down on a rock Mickinzie wide awake now and gaping at Darya from my lap

"so are you really our brother? or is this some sick joke?" i asked him sitting with a glare for some reason i was furious at him  

"is it a dragon" Mickinzie asked Jose unfortunately saving him from answering my question

"yes of course i am little one" Darya's booming voice resounded through the forest and it scared Mickinzie so bad she leaped out of my lap and hid behind me putting me between her and Darya

"there's no need for you to be afraid little one i have no interest in hurting you whats so ever please don't hide from me I'm here to protect you" she said snaking her head around me to look at Mickie who wrapped her arms around Darya's muzzle and giggled when Darya lifted the 4 year-old  onto her back  and started to walk around with her to keep her occupied when Jose started to walk away i grabbed his arm and he stopped

"you have some questions to answer buster" he tried to extract his arm but i tightened my grip

" first why are we here and second why do we need protecting?" i fired questions at him at a steady pace

"first we're going to destroy that orange and black dragon you saw earlier and second his plans are to take the three of us from darya and use you to conquer the human race that dragons has a history like no other which is also why we need to find his weakness and we need you to help us and we did not want to endanger your aunt by leaving Mickinzie there" he smiled satisfied but i was confused

"wait she is not our aunt she is our mother" i said to him defiant of what he was saying

"no she isn't i watched our mother and father die and before they died they asked Darya to take care of us but our mom wanted you two to have as much a normal life as possible so she sent you to live with her sister but for Darya to watch from afar and to intervene when necessary" he reached out and put a hand on my shoulder and i felt like my head was being hit by a rock the world started to spin, i put a hand to my head and fell. the last thing i saw  was Darya rush over Mickinzie's face showed concern

"what happened!" Darya leaned over me as the world faded to black

Chapter 4 unknown abilities


when i woke up Jose was sitting next to me and "what happened" i asked my head was throbbing when i noticed Mickie was no where to be found and neither was Darya

"where are Darya and Mickinzie!" i was up like a bullet but right when i tried to stand i nearly collapsed again but i didn't someone caught me but i was confused when i saw no one there

"are you doing this?" i questioned the 18 year old with growing suspicion

"yes i am you fainted before i was done explaining what you got yourself into" he answered my question as if i were dumb which i absolutely hated its something uncle used to do he always said that i was stupid for thinking that i would do anything with my life and this kid was grating my nerves immensely i walked over to him

"we need to get something straight, one you don't ever talk to me like that, two i want all the answers to all my questions and three i didn't get myself into anything it was you who literally slung me over your shoulder and dragged me along" as i spoke a tide of rage washed over me that surprised me but i kept my face stiff

"alright you want to know how i did that?" he asked me his face equally stiff

" i want to know where my sister and Darya are first, then sure you can tell me" i asked sitting down on a rock beside him to calm down

" OK first Mickinzie went with Darya on a scouting trip to plan the best route for us to take and i did that with my mind" he said as if it should have been obvious

"what you don't expect me to believe that do you" i said rolling my eyes at him

"I'm not lying, watch this" he said his eyes started to turn black and all the rocks and pebbles started to shake and a second later they flew into the air and swirled like a whirlpool of stones over our heads i stood not believing my eyes as the pebbles swirled at a gradually faster pace and i saw they were getting closer to the ground and i knew something was wrong

"stop!" i shouted and all the stones fell to earth where they belonged

"lets not do that again" i said grateful that i had not been hit

"sorry i lose control sometimes Darya always said that i wasn't allowed to use my ability without her around" he rubbed the back of his neck looking guilty i put my hands on my hips and glared at him new found shock rising in my chest

"then why did you!" i shouted my question at him surprised

" i nearly got hit because of you being stupid" i pointed at the pebbles now laying still all around us for emphasis

"if anyone here is stupid here its you" my surprise turned to anger in a second

"how am I stupid" i shouted at him

"you lived with your aunt who's a blond and your a brunette and Mickie has black hair did you not put the pieces together your such an idiot"

"and how exactly does that make me an idiot" i put my hands on my hips

"it was your fault that your uncle left if you hadn't showed up...maybe this wouldnt be happening" he was ranting now and i felt a wave of blistering rage wash over me stronger than any id ever felt before

" i knew it i knew that would work" he was practically jumping for joy

"what worked" i said through gritted teeth my fists clenched as tight as they would go

"look at your hands" he said plainly I looked down to see that blue fire danced around my hands and wrists, i screamed and it disappeared

"what was that!" i shouted at him for fear it would come back again

"that was your ability did you ever wonder why you have that weird birthmark on your neck?" he asked as if it should have been obvious

"well yea of course i have wondered who wouldn't?" i asked now that, i knew should have been obvious, his expression of joy disappeared faster than anything and was replaced by one of sheer annoyance he walked toward me faster than i thought he could have ever been and drew his shoulder length hair away from his neck and i saw what looked like a triangle inside a circle with the letter T on all three sides

"that, is my mark its the ancient alchemical symbol for the mind" he walked away from me with the same speed as before

"you can do that again if you focus hard enough" he said with a wave of his hand, weird thing was i actually wanted to do that again but before i could try i smelled sulfur on the air,I looked up at the sky and saw a dragon in lazy circles overhead i wasn't sure if it was Darya because the sky was gray and cloudy and all i could see was a silhouette of it

"is that Darya circling overhead" i started to walk over to Jose when a huge gust of wind buffeted my back and sent a dirt flying i spun around to see what had happened and i was surprised to see that it wasn't Darya but another dragon it wasn't the orange one either this one was all black yet it had white talons it was at least two times more massive than Darya it had gray eyes I started to back up a step at a time seeing as it was three feet away from me

"Jose" i whispered never taking my eyes off of him for more than a second

"who's this" my voice rising an octave higher on these last words

"Jose!" i said aloud my trembling tone caused him to jump and turn spin around to face it his expression guarded but when he saw the dragon his expression softened

"Danados"

Chapter 5New faces


"you know each other" my voice was dangerously close to squeaking though not with fear but with frustration i put my hands on my hips willing myself not to go berzerk and kill my newly found brother
"yes i forgot to tell you Danados this is my sister Seraphina" the dragon i presumed was Danados lowered his head his grey eyes level  with my own
"it would have been nice if you did" i muttered

"it's nice to finally meet one of Darya's goddaughter's" his voice reverberated through my body and he gave me a toothy grin

"Now don't be scaring her " i jumped at the sound of Darya's voice above my head i hadn't heard her land he withdrew his muzzle to look at her

"I'm guessing you have already met my brother"

"yes i have" i exclaimed through gritted teeth

"where's Mickie?" i asked

"she's asleep in a crevice in my horns" with this she lowered her head and as she said Mickinzie was straddling one of her eight white horns and sleeping with her head laid back on the horn behind her, sleeping peacefully. i extracted her from the horns with ease

"thank you"

"anytime, when are we leaving" i asked grabbing a blanket out of my backpack, i wrapped it around her knowing how cold flying that high in the air could be.

"soon we have to find a place for you and your siblings to practice" as she said this her brother helped Jose pack as best he could and i worked on keeping Mickinzie asleep all the while my brain forming over today's information i still had the headache and it hurt but i dismissed it as a result of my fainting the day before i was pulled out of my reverie by darya saying that it was best we left now

Chapter 6
Training Day 1


i ducked as a the fire ball i had just shot did a 180 straight for my head it hit a tree right where my head had been and darya smothered the fire with one swipe of her paw



and that is all i have for now hope you liked it please review and edit it please and thank you
                                                                                                                     
-dragons
Last edited by dragons on Sat Aug 28, 2010 9:47 pm, edited 11 times in total.




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Hello there, birthday twin! Rosie here to review! :D

I thought this story was pretty good, aside from one thing: your spelling and punctuation. Remember, spellcheck is a writer's best friend! Always run your entire work through a word processor and double-check it for any spelling and grammar mistakes. Because editing is one of your many jobs as a writer, I will not point out the mistakes for you, unlike what I usually do. In this review, I will only point out the places where I thought it didn't flow well and I will talk about the impression the story left on me.

Let us start!

i grabbed my ripped knee jeans and a black t-shirt and my silver half shirt which i made myself it reached to half of my rib cage and tied off just under the bust i ran out of the closet grabbing my sneakers and into the bathroom to brush and braid my knee length hair and put my two signature accessories the gold family prayer necklace which i never take off and a long silver ribbon used as a choker and tied off to the side i ran out of the bathroom to the stairs and slid down the railing and ran to the kitchen grabbing a cereal bar and kissing my mother and sister goodbye i ran out the door prepared for whatever the world had to throw at me.


Whoa there, partner! Too. Much. Information!

“Oh I’m sorry that jobs been filled already but I hear you are a brown belt in martial arts” he asked leaning both elbows against the table
“Um yes that’s correct why?” I asked him interested in what he had planned
“well as you know there are a lot of troublemakers in this line of work and I want you, Seraphina Charles to be one of the night guards and patrol the area to check for break ins along with Jose Oscars and the rest of your division” he looked at me with confidence and all but shoved me out the door saying something about how i was wasting his time i ignored it so i would have enough time to look for and meet my new partner until I earned some money at least.


Why would the guy say Sera (that's my pet name for Seraphina --- it's too long for me to type :wink:) was wasting his time? Sera wasn't bothering him or anything.

" aw i feel bad for you he doesn't talk to anybody and when he does its like he reads your mind creepy right" she shuddered just looking at him she pointed him out and i went over to say hi and introduce myself he was a tall kid he had long jet black hair and looked seventeen maybe eighteen he had some muscles when i reached his table i noticed he was sitting alone i sat down on the table on his left side and when he noticed me i started to introduce myself he simply held up a hand to stop me


Again. Too. Much. Information, my dear friend. Too. Much. For. Us. Poor. Readers. To Comprehend. Show us, not just tell us. I'll talk about that a bit more later.

"you never met me but I'm your big brother" he looked at me when he said this the world started to spin around me


Wow. The tables have been turned so quickly! And how did Jose know he was his brother?

"no she isnt i watched our mother and father die and before they died they asked darya to take care of us but she wanted you two to have as much a normal life as possible so she sent you to live with her sister but for darya to watch from afar and to intervene when nessacary"


Wait a second. Darya has a human sister?! How the heck did Jose and Sera's parents die?

"we need to get something straight 1 you dont ever talk to me like that 2 i want all the answers to all the questions and 3 i didnt get myself into anything it was you who literally slung me over your shoulder and dragged me along" as i spoke a tide of rage washed over me that surprised me but i kept my face stiff


Dearest birthday twin, please don't use numerals in writing. It's a story, a piece of written work, after all.

"you lived with your aunt whos a blonde and your a brunette and Mickie has black hair did you not put the peices together god your such an idiot and another thing it was your fault that your uncle left if you hadnt showed up then none of this nonsense would have ever come about" he was ranting now and i felt a wave of blistering rage wash over me stronger than any id ever felt before


Again, please, please, please show us.

You might be wondering, what is showing, exactly?

Well, I don't really have that much time right now, so I'll just link you to an article about showing and telling.

I thought the whole story was really rushed. Remember, you should take all the time you need to write! Put in more descriptions! Dialogue! Show us what kind of person Seraphina is, not just by telling us.

Anyways, keep writing! You can always PM me if you have any questions. :D

~iceprincess =]

P.S: As you might have noticed, I have included some links in this review to help you with your writing! :wink:
you'll never find another sweet little girl with sequined sea foam eyes
ocean lapping voice, smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky
and you're all alone again tonight; not again, not again, not again.
and don't it feel alright, and don't it feel so nice? lovely.






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Good, except for a lot of run on sentances. You need to keep an eye on that! =)
Xx This side of mortality is
scaring me to death
to death xX

-The Temper Trap: Soldier On




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The story is quite good, but there were three major problems: punctuation, spelling and sentence structure.

Plot: 8/10
The plot, story-wise, was quite interesting but it could definitely be expanded more.
Characters: 5/10
The characters are not very believable. Throughout the story, they seem to say a lot to each other. It's not natural -- you don't really use paragraphs of conversation with people in real life, right? Shorten down their dialogues is what I suggest.
Syntax, word choice and punctuation: 3/10
It took me quite a while to get through this entire piece. You've forgotten a lot of capitalization and full stops.

“Hi, my name is Seraphina. I am here for the job opening to move boxes from the boats to the warehouses,” I announced to a man across the table from me.

“Oh, I’m sorry. That job's been filled already, but I hear you are a brown belt in martial arts,” he asked (he didn't ask anything) leaning both elbows against the table.

“Um, yes that’s correct. Why?” I asked him, interested in what he had planned.

Well, as you know, there are a lot of troublemakers in this line of work and I want you, Seraphina Charles, to be one of the night guards and patrol the area to check for break-ins along with Jose Oscars and the rest of your division.

He looked at me with confidence and all but shoved me out the door, saying something (maybe: mumbling) about how I was wasting his time. I ignored it so I would have enough time to look for and meet my new partner until I earned some money at least (unimportant information). When I walked into the mess hall I searched for a table to eat at when I turned around and I jumped because the girl that was there was not there a couple of seconds ago and I knew it. (This is a very lengthy sentence -- break it down into individual sentences)


This is just an example of what you need to work on. Your entire story needs to be checked for capitalization and punctuation.

Theme: 7/10
You've got something interesting going on in this story, but unfortunately, it has been obscured by the lack of good punctuation and sentence structure.

Total: 23/40
Average: 5.5/10

As a side note, I don't suggest putting in the character's description at the beginning of the story like that. It's better if you spread it out throughout the entire story, primarily for character development.
Check out my blog: Razztazztic!




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Hello! I am here to review! It's never my intention to hurt any feelings!(:

I caught many punctuation errors like Razzker said earlier.

“Hi, my name is Seraphina. I am here for the job opening to move boxes from the boats to the warehouses,” I announced to a man across the table from me “Oh, I’m sorry. That jobs been filled already, but I hear you are a brown belt in martial arts” he said interested, leaning both elbows against the table “Um, yes that’s correct. Why?” I asked him, interested in what he had planned“Well, as you know, there are a lot of troublemakers in this line of work and I want you, Seraphina Charles, to be one of the night guards and patrol the area to check for break-ins along with Jose Oscars and the rest of your division” He looked at me with confidence, and all but shoved me out the door,murmuring about how I was wasting his time I ignored it so I would have enough time to look for and meet my new partner.
This also needs to be broken up into paragraphs instead of just a large chunk of sentences strung together which is overwhelming to the reader. I don't have a picture of where she is, too. No 'painting a picture in my head' feel to it. To fix this, you would need to reword it, like "Hi, I'm Seraphina. I am here for the job opening," I announced to the man at the crumpling table, fussing over something unknown to me.

"Oh, I'm sorry. That job is filled, but I heard you have a brown belt in martial arts," he said, looking away from his work, clearly interested.

"Um, yes... that's correct." I pause, then ask, "Why?"

"Well, as you know, there are a lot of troublemakers in this line of work. I want you, Seraphina Charles, to be one of the night guards to patrol the area along with Jose Oscars and the rest of your division." He spied me with confidence. Confusing me, he shoved me out the door, all the while telling me that I was wasting his time. Outside the creaking, wooden, structure
(You could make it whatever type of building you want. This is just an example), I began searching for my partner who I would be guarding the premises with.
This isn't the best example, but it shows my point.

I don't know if this is me or not, but your chapters seem really short and almost too fast paced. It may just be me though.(:

Like what was said before, this needs a little more work. (:
Katie ^-^



You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things...
— Gone With the Wind