An Existence Mundane

FrankProchazka wrote:

An Existence Mundane

Frustrating and dense,
a needless pretence.
Why am I tortured
by glares so intense?
Scared icy eyes,
corrupts your insides.
They shackle madness
and beauty, and flies.
A shadow framed,
a wild horse tamed.
Tea without sugar?
What are you, Insane?

I thought this poem was unique and quite interesting, the opposite of mundane!
I love the rhyme scheme, especially since it is coupled by great lines.
I like the use of emotion filled verbs "torture" "corrupt" "shackle" since they make the reader feel for your poem
Overall, great job! Keep it up!

beccalicious94 wrote:
I thought this poem was unique and quite interesting, the opposite of mundane!
I love the rhyme scheme, especially since it is coupled by great lines.
I like the use of emotion filled verbs "torture" "corrupt" "shackle" since they make the reader feel for your poem
Overall, great job! Keep it up!

Thank's for your criticism, I think I might write more soon.

Hi there! This is interesting, I'll admit. I must tell you though for future reference, avoid centering lines of verse at all costs. It's most often the mark of an amateur writer, because it rarely serves any purpose. Move those lines over to the left! There is a definite rhythm to the piece, but it's so jam-packed with different images that I can't really understand what's going on, and I think what's partially to blame is the forced adherence to the rhyme scheme, as exemplified in ithis part:

They shackle madness
and beauty, and flies.
A shadow framed,
a wild horse tamed.
Tea without sugar?
What are you, Insane?

Wait, where the heck did flies come from? And now there's a shadow, a horse being tamed, and now we're at a tea party... It's just too, too much. I suppose it may have been your intention to emphasize the insanity with so many contradicting images in such rapid succession, but (and I know this probably sounds strange) there needs to be a method to the insanity so that your message can be properly conveyed to the reader. Right now it's a jumbled mess. Keep working on it though, this piece was at least interesting.

blackbird12 wrote: I must tell you though for future reference, avoid centering lines of verse at all costs. It's most often the mark of an amateur writer, because it rarely serves any purpose.

I didn't realise there was hostility towards superficial aesthetics, I saw a few poems composed in the centre of the page and I thought it was the norm. I think it suits the concept of neatly constructed insanity that I tried to convey in my poem.

I respect your opinion that my irreverent style can be daunting to some, however I have always felt that the moment I begin to mechanise my analogue perceptions of reality, that will be the moment I destroy myself as a writer of fiction.

I feel no obligation to force feed readers the meanings within my work, nor patronise them with lumbering metaphors and mundane little images.

This poem kind of overwhelmed me, although I found a lot of great imagery in it. I liked your rhyme scheme, but I didn't exactly understand your poem at all.

Keep writing!

FrankProchazka wrote:

An Existence Mundane

Frustrating and dense,
a needless pretence.
Why am I tortured
by glares so intense?
Scared icy eyes,
corrupts your insides.
They shackle madness
and beauty, and flies.
A shadow framed,
a wild horse tamed.
Tea without sugar?
What are you, Insane?

It was so serious up until the end, and then it made me laugh! I liked it, it's unique and it flowed well.
Need anything else reviewed? Shoot me a PM and I'll take a look!

~xX~Forsakinshadow~Xx~