Fingernail Marks

Somewhere in the deep wet of your eyes,
I lost something so important,
I couldn't remember what it was.

See, I've been hungering for my individuality,
something you could never replace with

a locket
a ring
a promise.

It's like you've absorbed me and
suddenly 'osmosis' is a word I remember in science.


You held my hand a little too tightly this morning and

I have fingernail marks in my skin.

Hi,

Your tone and imagery work well here. The first three lines and the last line are great.

I think that lines four and five are too direct and inward-turning. Try for something more visual and use outside things to suggest the inward state of the speaker.

Hope this helps,

Jas

Jasmine Hart already said most of my criticisms so I'll just add this little piece that has gone unsaid. You do not need Italics and underlining in your poem. If a poem is well written enough than the emphasize is already on the words, the author doesn't have to go out of their way to overtly show what must be payed attention to. No offense, but doing things like that makes your poetry come off as amateurish. Good luck on your future writing.

I like this, the last two lines were wonderful. I don’t mind the italics, but the underlining, I don’t like. Also, the osmosis reference, I don’t like it. I don’t know why, it’s just that, to me, remembering a lesson, especially science feels cold.

“A word I remember in science”

From* science. I just don’t think that when you’re feeling this much emotion, you’d casually remember a scientific term. Still, it’s not my poem.

I think the structure is brilliant. I just love the whole idea of the poem, and you pull it off really well, there are just a couple of niggles you need to work out. The last two lines are brilliant, they're just so powerful and chilling.

Hope this has been useful.

~Roon

KatTrain wrote:Somewhere in the deep wet of your eyes, I feel like this could be made a bit stronger, and not so forward. "Within the depths of your glossy eyes" for example. "Somewhere" is a fairly weak word, especially to start off a poem with. It doesn't give us a sense of anything, and concrete images are important for conveying abstract things such as emotions.
I lost something so important,
I couldn't remember what it was.

See, I've been hungering for my individuality, Individuality, again, is not concrete. It's not going to push your emotions into me, because I can't see it, hear it, etc. What is individuality? Is it letting the iron manacles drop from your wrists? Is it smelling open fields? Is it tasting fresh air after a rain on your tongue?
something you could never replace with

a locket
a ring
a promise.Lockets and rings are a bit cliche. What else could you use here that wold accurately display being held captive by someone?

It's like you've absorbed me and Avoid ending lines with "and" because it's a weak word. We pause slightly at line breaks, so you want us to go onto the next line with a nice image in our minds.
suddenly 'osmosis' is a word I remember in science. Contrary to what others think, I love the use of science here. Someone said it sounded cold - well, isn't this poem meant to be cold? It's showing us the harsh truth of what it means to want to be free of someone, and that is a cold, lonely feeling.


You held my hand a little too tightly this morning and

I have fingernail marks in my skin.

You don't need the underlining and italics. The words will have the same impact. Also, there were a couple times you ended lines with "and", which should be avoided. Remember, you want concrete images to fill the void left by abstract emotions.