The Crime - 1

Death is a crime.
There’s a rapping on my door,
and they stand there like bars
to tell me,

“Ma’am, you’ve been sentenced
to a life-time of desolation.”
They snap the shackles on me,
frigid and thick
like the casket.

Death is the dirt.
There’s beloved vestiges
in my tremoring arms
that remind me,
“Ma’am, you’ve been charged
to a life-time of coping.”
They pack the dirt on the dreams,
heavy and lonesome
like the casket.

For some reason, I couldn't really get a proper understanding or feel of this poem. I mean, I understood that it is about death, obviously, but, other than that, it didn't really attract me or interest me. I don't know; maybe I'm just not capable of comprehending it.

Oh, and you should edit the "Ma'm" to "Ma'am" since that's how its spelled.

Um, sorry, I just can't really give any advice or compliments or anything. It's pretty confusing, if I must say so myself.

: /

Hey Hibiscus. I apologize for this going along for so long with only one review!

One line-specific point:

There’s beloved vestiges

Vestiges = plural. Therefore, this needs to be "There are (There're) beloved vestiges" for it to be grammatically correct.

Overall, I like this. I like the analogies you use for death, the way you describe it very plainly and tangibly instead of something dreamy or metaphorical. It makes the poem seem very real. I also like the repetition of the two stanzas, how they use parallel formats to tell the two different stories. It's well done.

As far as suggestions go, I didn't like the simile, "They stand there like bars", even though it continues to criminal/jail theme of the first stanza. It's such a dull thing to compare people too, kind of a weak image.

Also for the first sentence, "Death is a crime", while I like its simplicity, it's a bit vague. It could be seen as either a crime to the person dying, like it's unfair and unjust to force someone to die, or that the act of dying itself is a crime, making the dead person to criminal and not the victim. I think, with the jail theme, you were aiming for the former, and so you might want to clarify that. You could consider saying "To die is a crime". Or just expand of the guilt and criminal aspects.

Finally, I would love to see this lengthened, as I think you have a wonderful idea and core to work with, but still a lot of opportunities for other stanzas. If you're ever bored or without anything to write, come back to this poem and play around with expanding it to cover some more analogies for death.

Best of luck, good work, and PM me for anything!

~Evi