Protector:Chapter One

Chapter One: A Stroll Through The Forest
I quietly put up my cloak, feeling the soft cloth. Night didn’t make the forest any more bearable, and what's more it was pouring rain. I heard something in the bushes behind me; I immediately put my hand on my sword, Everblade. With this very blade I have killed and gouged many of my enemies. Out of the bush came an arrow, I quickly leaped out of the way. Five assassins leaped out from the shadows all armed with bows and daggers, they circled me, glaring at me through their masks. I threw myself backwards with Everblade at my waist pointing at the assassin behind me; he was in the process of dodging when he died. Probably a newbie. That was a wake up call for the assassins, one jumped towards me with both of his hands above his hands holding his dagger; stupid mistake. I threw my fist towards his gut, but this man was better trained then the one I killed, for he quickly lifted his knee to block the punch. I rolled sideways barely dodging the attack only to be shot in the shoulder by a nearby assassin. My light armor took most of the hit but I was still hurt. I acted like I was badly injured I crouched down grasping my arm in mock pain. Only three of the four remaining assassins came and surrounded me, thinking they had defeated me, only one stayed back watching warily. When one of the killers leaned in to pick me up I did my move, I swept my leg on the ground in a full circle knocking the men off their feet. I quickly killed all of them and turned around just in time to dodge the last assassin’s dagger being thrown at me. I sheathed Everblade, while my enemy sheathed another small dagger.

“ Ha! You’re going to fight with that sliver of iron!” I said laughingly. I spoke too soon, the assassin expertly jumped in front of me and thrusted his dagger forward. It was a strong attack so I couldn’t block so I dodged it, he quickly sliced sideways. I immediately dropped feeling the blade pass above me. I lashed Everblade out into his legs; he leaped up and came down with his dagger pointed at me. I stuck Everblade straight up and I instantly saw a change in the assassin’s body. He tried to shift his body out of the way but he was going too fast and my sword hit its mark.

Any good? It's my first story so it might not be great.

Hi there!

This isn't bad for a first story. It's certainly very action packed! It leaves me wanting to read more; to know why the MC was going to be assasinated in the first place. Just one thing before I get on to the review: long paragraphs can be very daunting. Break down the first one a bit, it's a bit difficult to get through.

Onto the review! Nitpicks first:

and what's more it was pouring rain.

*pouring with rain

I immediately put my hand on my sword, Everblade. With this very blade I have killed and gouged many of my enemies.

Describe Everblade a bit more. From this, it sounds like the sword is important to the MC: by describing it you could make it important to the reader as well. What's the handle like? Is it long? etc...

Five assassins leaped out from the shadows all armed with bows and daggers, they circled me, glaring at me through their masks.

Emotion? How does the MC feel that there's five assassins, coming to kill him?! At the moment it sounds like he doesn't care. Also, you used 'leaped' in the last sentence. Find another word

I threw my fist towards his gut, but this man was better trained then the one I killed,

*than

I rolled sideways, barely dodging the attack, only to be shot in the shoulder by a nearby assassin.

Corrections in red.

I acted like I was badly injured I crouched down grasping my arm in mock pain.

This is missing commas...

I quickly killed all of them and turned around just in time to dodge the last assassin’s dagger being thrown at me.

Woah... this is very rushed. Describe it; how did he kill all of them without at least one of them jumping up and killing him from behind?

I sheathed Everblade, while my enemy sheathed another small dagger.

You used the word 'sheathed' twice here, change the word.

I said laughingly.

This sounds strange; it's not really used. Maybe 'I said mockingly' would be better.

It was a strong attack so I couldn’t block so I dodged it

This is too choppy; rephrase it. (:

Overall:

So I think that the main problem with this is the lack of emotions and descriptions. It's hard to relate with the MC at the moment. However, with these two things, this story could be very good. Just imagine yourself in the MC's feet. How would you feel?
Apart from that, your grammar is good, and this is an interesting idea for a story.

PM me with any questions! Hope I helped, and keep writing!

~Lilicia

Hey Liger. You didn't tell me that you have posted this. Never mind, I came on my own.

I quietly put up my cloak, feeling the soft cloth.

You can do with some more effects here, Liger. For example, you can tell that the soft cloth touched his skin, and this might be a very good time to tell how the narrator's skin colour is or what is it's temperature(like hot or cold). The sentence like this seemed off.

Five assassins leaped out from the shadows, all armed with bows and daggers, they circled me, glaring at me through their masks.

I acted like I was badly injured and I crouched down grasping my arm in mock pain.

I immediately dropped, feeling the blade pass above me.

As Lelicia has covered most of the grammar nit-picks I won't bother you with them again, but rather try to tell you on how to improve.

Well, okay this story does have a lot of potential, and a bit of work with some grammar things and reading some articles can do a lot of good to this piece. This, as Lei said is not at all bad for your first story and definitely better than what I wrote. When I open up my diary and read the earlier stories I had written, I cannot stop laughing at myself and being embarrassed. But I would never throw them away, as I would like people to always know what YWS has given me. Okay, I am getting too emotional. :p

First of all I would like to say that you have a lot of short sentences that end abruptly, sometimes without making full sense. And sometimes, it is the opposite-you have too much of long sentences that it gets very boring to read. All you need to do is to find a balance between the two, and keep your piece balanced.

There is lot of emotions that could have been described here, and also you could have done with the descriptions of the night and the atmosphere a bit more just to let the reader know where exactly this all is taking place rather than leaving the reader wanting for more and leaving him/her completely clueless. So, just try to imagine how exactly you would feel in a desolated place, and then replace the thoughts with those of the MC. Confusing? Right? I mean think like your MC does.

One thing that I surely liked about this was the action scenes you wrote. When it came to action, you pulled it off quite nicely and for a moment it didn't seem like you are a newbie to writing. But still you had some grammar mistakes that should be checked.

You can refer to the Writing Tips section here which has some of the amazing and well-researched topics which can be used to boost your writing skills. Here's the link: Writing Tips It's my favourite column.

I think this is all for now, but you really need to work on this piece more. Also post your stories in 'Story' format. When you press the Edit button there is a Special Formatting thing down, and you can click on the Story tab.

Try to define and explain more in the next chapters, while still keeping the conflict.

Keep Writing,
Shubhi