Demigod (working title) revised sec. 1

this is my edited chapters 1 and 2, plus i added a prologue... hope its better than the last one i posted.

Prologue
The silence was more than I could bear. My friends stood on either side of me, but I could do nothing to save them, except the thing that would ultimately destroy them.
So I took careful steps forward, over the rubble then handed my father the Stone of the Titans.
And even as the world was blown inward, everything was silent.

Chapter One- Purple Polar Bears
“Iris… Iris. IRIS!” Deanna shouted in my ear.
“Purple polar bears, what’s your problem?” I mumbled groggily as I woke up.
“Get up! We don’t want to be late for English. Gunther just opened the door.”
Ms. Gunther, our English 10 teacher glared at me from beyond the class room doorway.
“Oh shit… can’t have detention…” Shaking my head I stood up and slung my back pack over my shoulder before entering the room.
Deanna followed behind me, staring at the floor. She had a strong aversion to Ms. Gunther.
Well, that’s to be expected. No one liked her.
I plopped down in my seat and made as much noise as possible. It was right before the bell rang, so technically I was still free.
Ding!
Damn.
And then roll began.
Blah blah, names called… yadah yadah…
“Iris Calypso Carter?”
“Yep.” I answered.
Even though our teacher had a seating chart she refused to read off it, and instead insisted on calling roll.
It was the end of the year, and still she used my full name.
Grrr.
We were reading American Dream speeches. I’d already done mine, since it was the very end of the project. We only had two weeks left of school, so that meant everything was finishing up.
Our class was required to grade each student on how well they did, so I pulled out my lined sheet of paper, and a pen. The girl who came up was named Marrisa, so I jotted her name down on my paper and waited for her to begin.
“Iris, turn around in your seat to watch the speaker.”
“I am, Ms. Gunther.”
“Not enough! Turn all the way around!”
“Fine. Whatever.” Rolling my eyes I adjusted my seat slightly and glared at the teacher until she started the camera up again.

Chapter Two-Franks turns almost deadly
We finally escaped from the institution.
Sorry, I mean school.
Deanna and I had our last class together, so we waited outside for my friend India.
Some guys chucked dirt balls at us, but we just ran around the building to avoid them. Yeah, totally, 16 is so mature.
India eventually found us, and we quickly jumped on the bus to hang out down town.
We sat in the middle of the bus, not fitting with the ‘gangsters’ in the back, and not with the nerds in the front.
So Deanna, India and I just talked about how our day went while surrounded by bull headed idiots most people call teenagers.
Deanna was discussing our homework for English, pretending to act like she actually knew what was going on in that class.
Yeah right, I knew better. More likely she wasn’t paying attention when the assignment was given out, and now she need it from me.
Not like she would do it even if I did tell her.
India was just sitting quietly, listening to her I-pod. She had her phone out and was texting her friend, or well, boyfriend, Luke.
I was also listening to my I-pod, but I’m sure not the same song as India. She was a very christian girl, and was there for against a lot of music.
Mostly the kind of music I listened to.
“Iris… Iris… IRIS!!” Deanna shouted.
“Purple rhinoceros! What?!”
“Stop daydreaming and get off the fucking bus! Unless you want to travel halfway across Zeeland before they let you off!”
“Oh. Sorry.” I said.
Zeeland is our little town. Very little. Like hardly able to be on the map. It’s depressingly small.
Anyway, I got up and left the bus, hoping Deanna had brought money with her. I only had 5 dollars so maybe I could have mooched off her.
India stopped in front of Franks and motioned for us to come inside.
For those who don’t know, Franks is one of the teeny food places in downtown Zeeland.
I ordered a chocolate milkshake and fries.
Yum.
Too soon it was gone.
As we stood up to leave, a tall man came over and grabbed India’s arm.
“Where do you think your going?”
“Home?” India said her voice shaking.
Then suddenly Deanna was emptying the rest of her milkshake into the man’s eyes.
I have no idea what would have happened next, because before he could recover, we were out the door, India on her cell, calling for help I assume.
We raced forward, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw the guy run after us, and he was gaining fast.
Shit.

Hey Tori, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

“Purple polar bears, what’s your problem?” I mumbled groggily as I woke up.

Why does she say this, other than to have something random to say and name your chapter after?

“Yep.” I answered.

Should be a comma after the yep.

Yeah, totally, 16 is so mature.

sixteen.

and now she need it from me.

needed?

Alright.

II. PROLOGUE

I'm really not a fan of prologues in general, and you said you added this one. My advice? Get rid of it again. It's not serving any purpose. It's quite nicely phrased though, and I'm guessing that you're using this scene later in the story, so why not keep the phrasing? Just not the prologue itself. I can't say that it's doing much.

III. PROGRESSION

So, we're two chapters in and so far one event of consequence has happened- the man grabbing India's arm. That's interesting. But before that we have to trawl through English classes and school buses and all that stuff we have to deal with already, so why would we want to deal with it now? Your first chapter is, to put it bluntly, boring. And we don't get that much of an idea of your characters either. Find a reason to give us that bit of story, or cut it and start somewhere interesting- like when they're in the mall. That way, you can discuss the events of a shorter lapse of time in moer detail and we can begin to get a better idea of your characters.

IV. OVERALL

Not bad, but could use a little work.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Prologue
The silence was more than I could bear. My friends stood on either side of me, but I could do nothing to save them, except the thing that would ultimately destroy them.
So I took careful steps forward, over the rubble then handed my father the Stone of the Titans.
And even as the world was blown inward, everything was silent.


This prologue doesn’t make much sense to me and is just really confusing. You could probably do without it, in my opinion.

Chapter One- Purple Polar Bears
“Iris… Iris. IRIS!” Deanna shouted in my ear.
“Purple polar bears, what’s your problem?” I mumbled groggily as I woke up.
“Get up! We don’t want to be late for English. Gunther just opened the door.”
Ms. Gunther, our English 10 teacher glared at me from beyond the class room doorway.
“Oh shit… can’t have detention…” Shaking my head I stood up and slung my back pack over my shoulder before entering the room.
Deanna followed behind me, staring at the floor. She had a strong aversion to Ms. Gunther.
Well, that’s to be expected. No one liked her.
I plopped down in my seat and made as much noise as possible. It was right before the bell rang, so technically I was still free.
Ding!
Damn.
And then roll began.
Blah blah, names called… yadah yadah…
“Iris Calypso Carter?”
“Yep.” I answered.
Even though our teacher had a seating chart she refused to read off it, and instead insisted on calling roll.
It was the end of the year, and still she used my full name.
Grrr.
We were reading American Dream speeches. I’d already done mine, since it was the very end of the project. We only had two weeks left of school, so that meant everything was finishing up.
Our class was required to grade each student on how well they did, so I pulled out my lined sheet of paper, and a pen. The girl who came up was named Marrisa, so I jotted her name down on my paper and waited for her to begin.
“Iris, turn around in your seat to watch the speaker.”
“I am, Ms. Gunther.”
“Not enough! Turn all the way around!”
“Fine. Whatever.” Rolling my eyes I adjusted my seat slightly and glared at the teacher until she started the camera up again.


This chapter was really short, and this is kind of an odd place to break it.

Chapter Two-Franks turns almost deadly
We finally escaped from the institution.
Sorry, I mean school.
Deanna and I had our last class together, so we waited outside for my friend India.
Some guys chucked dirt balls at us, but we just ran around the building to avoid them. Yeah, totally, 16 is so mature.
India eventually found us, and we quickly jumped on the bus to hang out down town.

Downtown is one word, and so is backpack (I think back pack was mentioned earlier)

We sat in the middle of the bus, not fitting with the ‘gangsters’ in the back, and not with the nerds in the front.
So Deanna, India and I just talked about how our day went while surrounded by bull headed idiots most people call teenagers.
Deanna was discussing our homework for English, pretending to act like she actually knew what was going on in that class.
Yeah right, I knew better. More likely she wasn’t paying attention when the assignment was given out, and now she need it from me.
Not like she would do it even if I did tell her.
India was just sitting quietly, listening to her I-pod. She had her phone out and was texting her friend, or well, boyfriend, Luke.
I was also listening to my I-pod, but I’m sure not the same song as India. She was a very christian girl, and was there for against a lot of music.
Mostly the kind of music I listened to.
“Iris… Iris… IRIS!!” Deanna shouted.
“Purple rhinoceros! What?!”
“Stop daydreaming and get off the fucking bus! Unless you want to travel halfway across Zeeland before they let you off!”
“Oh. Sorry.” I said.
Zeeland is our little town. Very little. Like hardly able to be on the map. It’s depressingly small.
Anyway, I got up and left the bus, hoping Deanna had brought money with her. I only had 5 dollars so maybe I could have mooched off her.
India stopped in front of Franks and motioned for us to come inside.
For those who don’t know, Franks is one of the teeny food places in downtown Zeeland.

Teeny food places? Be a little more descriptive here. Was it a fast food joint? A restaurant, a diner, a drive thru? Supermarket deli?

I ordered a chocolate milkshake and fries.
Yum.
Too soon it was gone.
As we stood up to leave, a tall man came over and grabbed India’s arm.
“Where do you think your going?”
“Home?” India said her voice shaking.
Then suddenly Deanna was emptying the rest of her milkshake into the man’s eyes.
I have no idea what would have happened next, because before he could recover, we were out the door, India on her cell, calling for help I assume.
We raced forward, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw the guy run after us, and he was gaining fast.
Shit.

The story is just very fast paced. I like your writing style most of the time, but sometimes it feels a bit choppy and rushed. Also it just seems a little crazy for the guy to confront them in front of an entire restaurant. Someone would’ve seen him, and helped the kids.

Keep writing, though, I’m interested to see where this story is going.