Growing Up

Hey there Virsanity! iceprincess here to review!

I like the theme of your poem, but I thought you tried too hard to make each and every word rhyme. It made the poem's flow very choppy, and I think you can expand this little poem into something a bit larger. Also, since you are making it rhyme, perhaps you should write the same number of syllables in each line too?

Cuddling like a teddy bear, sooner we fear to stare
Brittle like the glass, rough like the grass

I'm sorry, but I don't really understand these few sentences. Perhaps you should expand it, as I've said before, to make it clear and more coherent.

Anyways, with a few snips here and there, I'm sure it could be a good poem.

If you have any questions, you can PM me. Keep writing!

~iceprincess =]

Hi Virsanity! I have to agree with Iceprincess here; you are trying too hard to rhyme.

Virsanity wrote: Young as we are, older we journey so far.

This line really didn't make sense to me.

However, if you loosen your rhyme scheme, this could amount to a really fabulous poem. Write on!

Young as we are, older we journey so far
Cuddling like a teddy bear, sooner we fear to stare What is going on here? This makes no sense.
Brittle like the glass, rough like the grass This was one of your more successful rhymes.
Time is vast, we grow up so fast This kind of makes sense.

Day is passing, a real voyage is beginning I like this although it confuses me.
Cherish every moment, enjoy every endearment
Family makes us happy, friends are so funny
Because future is coming, growing up is happening

I agree with all the other reviewers about the rhyme. I get your general idea for this.

wow . . . this is excellent!!

you really covered the scary and the fun aspect of growing up!

nicely done!

~Adeera~