The Demon Within... Chapter 1 Pt. 1

The sun shone brightly into the room of Keitaro Namikaze. His day started off as it normally did:
"Stupid sun, go away, I'm trying to sleep" he moaned feeble and rolled over
After losing his daily battle against awakening, he sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. The beautiful green of his eyes glinted brilliantly in the rays of the sun. Stretching he pulled on his favorite (and only) black shirt.
only) black shirt.
When his feet crossed the threshold he heard a blood curdling screech from the room down the hall.
"Seta, what did i tell you about singing while I'm home?" Keitaro sighed
"Aren't you just hilarious, for your information i stubbed my toe" Seta complained
"Stubbing your toe made you scream that loudly?" Keitaro was struggling to keep it together
"It hurt! And it caught me by surprise so that just added to it!" Seta whined
"You are seriously telling me that after everything you still get surprised by stubbing your toe? I would've thought that this lifestyle would have toughened you up"
"Hey! I didn' ask to live like this!" Seta turned around and put a hole in the wall "See! It's like paper mache!
"Your fixing that"
"Ok, fine"
"How long have we been here?"
"Let's see, your fifteen so...fourteen years" Seta counted in his head
"Good job! You did math!"
"Some of us can solve problems without a sword"
"Hey! You know very well that i have impulse issues!"
"And learning issues"
"Arguing with teachers and not caring about academics doesn't make me learning disabled
"Seeing as I've won this argument, we should probably wake up Red." Seta sugggested
"You do that, I need to feed Mighty and Lucao", Keitaro said and took of down the stairs before Seta could respond
As Keitaro walked downstairs and would have said hi to his parents except… he didn’t have any. He and Seta had grown up in a beaten down old house on the outskirts of the city alone. Keitaro walked into the kitchen to find Lucao his wolf sitting in front of the refrigerator and staring up at it hopefully
"Hey Keitaro", he barked "what's for breakfast"?
"What do you want?"
"What do you think?" Lucao replied waiting for him to guess
"Well, either you tell me or you don't get fed because you can't open the refrigerator"
"You're no fun, can i have a steak?"
Keitaro threw him a slab of steak as Seta and Red trotted down the stairs, sword mounted on his back already
"Tired…Tired…Tired", Red muttered continuously that is until Pengy pecked him in the leg.
"Tired…OUCH!" screamed Red who was not fully awake," what was that for!"
"It's my new get Red awake technique, like it?" Pengy chirped playfully
"Ha Ha very funny" Red said sarcastically
Keitaro rose from his chair and walked over to the cupboard. When he grabbed the handle it broke off.
“This really sucks” he said looking at the broken handle
“I’ll get it fixed later” Seta shrugged
“This house isn’t fit for humans” Keitaro retorted
“We’re not really considered humans are we?”
Keitaro purposely ignored the comment "See ya guys I gotta go pick up Sakura!"
Seta looked at his watch and jumped out of his chair.
"Yikes! I need to meet Silena" he yelled
Red not even noticing they had both left sat down and ate some waffles. Finally getting up and heading out the door to go to school: At the local “high school” in a manner of speaking

Hey Keitaron, welcome to YWS! I'm Hawk, and I'm here to review.

Okay, about your story, I found a lot lacking. You tell us a lot about these characters, and you shove it all at us in an info-dump. Take this first paragraph:

The sun shone brightly into the room of Keitaro Namikaze. Keitaro was a boy that was fifteen with black bushy spiked hair and pointed ears. He was about 6ft. tall and was quite strong for his age. His green eyes glinted against the sunlight. Stretching he pulled on his favorite (and only) black shirt.

Okay, already you've told us his age, his appearance, height, and a little bit about him. You don't let us (the readers) discover any of this for ourselves; you just shove the facts at us. And frankly, it comes across as sounding very young.

Something I'd suggest is taking out a few of your favorite books; the more variance you have, the better! Now, flip through them and look at how they describe their characters; how they introduce them; how they proceed to tell the story by showing you. Odds are, you can probably see everything the author's written, right? That's what you want to do! You don't just want to say "So-and-so looks like this and thinks like this, and something happened to him, and this is how he resolved it." Bo-ring! Put us in the middle of action and let us get to know the characters through the way they act, the choices they make, the conversations they have with each other.

Here's a great link about showing vs. telling that does a great job of explaining the difference and how to avoid just telling!

Now, as for your grammar, it could use a little work (but can't all of ours?). Here's another link about dialogue punctuation that I absolutely love.

For the story itself, from what I can tell, you've got an interesting start. Looks like you've got some good interaction between the characters; the thing is, it's a little hard keeping track of everyone right now. Usually you introduce a couple of characters and bring more in gradually, instead of setting a whole load of them down for the reader to try to get to know and sort out.

I'd really just suggest pacing yourself; don't rush to tell us all of this information about the characters, and don't explain everything in minute detail to the reader as if we're too simple to understand what you mean.

Now, hopefully this critique and those links will help you take your writing to next level! Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

Thanks Hawk, you should go ahead and read my revised version, posting this one was an accident. THis one was from a little more than a year ago. And anyone else out there, please comment!

Hi, Keitaron. I like this story, it is really intresting & I will love to read the next chapter. I found some constant errors in the story, like... you forgot to put a period at the end of most of the sentences, and you wrote "I" in small letter. But I think this story is going to turn into something epicly awesome, you just correct those grammatical errors. If you have any questions feel free to PM me (send a private message), okay?

The sun shone brightly into the room of Keitaro Namikaze.

Uh, I love the name!

"Stupid sun, go away, I'm trying to sleep" he moaned feeble and rolled over

"Stupid sun, go away, I'm trying to sleep,"he moaned feeble and rolled over. Okay, when you're writing a dialog and then you said something like "he said, she said, he screamed, she yelled..." there should be a comma. Oh, and you forgot the period at the end.

After losing his daily battle against awakening, he sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. The beautiful green of his eyes glinted brilliantly in the rays of the sun. Stretching he pulled on his favorite (and only) black shirt.

Nice descriptions. But maybe you should write the last sentence like this: Stretching, he pulled on his favorite, and only, black shirt.

"Seta, what did i tell you about singing while I'm home?" Keitaro sighed

"Seta what did I tell you about singing while I'm home?" Keitaro sighed.

"Aren't you just hilarious, for your information i stubbed my toe" Seta complained

I'm guessing you wanted to write this: "Arent you just hilarious? For your information I stubbed my toe," Seta complained.

"Stubbing your toe made you scream that loudly?" Keitaro was struggling to keep it together
"It hurt! And it caught me by surprise so that just added to it!" Seta whined

You forgot the period at the end of this sentences.

"Some of us can solve problems without a sword"

"Some of us can solve problems without a sword."

"Arguing with teachers and not caring about academics doesn't make me learning disabled

"Arguing with teacher and not caring about academics doesn't make me learning disabled."

"Seeing as I've won this argument, we should probably wake up Red." Seta sugggested

"Seeing as I've won this argument, we should probably wake up Red,"Seta suggested.

As Keitaro walked downstairs and would have said hi to his parents except… he didn’t have any. He and Seta had grown up in a beaten down old house on the outskirts of the city alone. Keitaro walked into the kitchen to find Lucao his wolf sitting in front of the refrigerator and staring up at it hopefully

Oh

*sings* Ooooooh, I like this story! Oooooh, I'm clicking the "like" button! Ooooh, you should keep writing! Ooooh, I should probably stop singing, because I'm not good at it! Bai-bye! *Sol dances happily* *Sol waves & smiles*

Hey Keitaron, welcome to YWS! The name's Stella and I'll be your reviewer today.

Just a few technicalities (well, more advice) before we get under way: the more reviews you do, the more you'll get, so get to it! And secondly, if you double space your paragraphs it does make things easier to read on screen, but since this is mostly dialogue you can get away with it, just saying.

I. NITPICKS

The sun shone brightly into the room of Keitaro Namikaze.

Don't you love starting with the weather? Isn't it exciting and exhilarating and original?

"Stupid sun, go away, I'm trying to sleep" he moaned feeble and rolled over

You're missing a comma after sleep and a full stop after over.

Stretching he pulled on his favorite (and only) black shirt.
only) black shirt.

Um...

"Seta, what did i tell you about singing while I'm home?" Keitaro sighed

Capitalise your i's. And punctuation at the end of sentences! If you're confused about how to punctuate dialogue, read this article.

"See! It's like paper mache!

Papier-mâché

"Your fixing that"

You're.

threw him a slab of steak

What, they're two poor teenagers living alone in a rundown house and they feed the dog steak?

II. GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION

Right now, your grammar and punctuation are all over the place. I only picked out a handful of mistakes because, quite frankly, I just haven't the energy. First of all, you need to proofread more carefully. You're doing silly things like forgetting to capitalise your i's, and you've left marks off all of your sentences. Believe it or not, punctuation is actually really important- it makes things easier to read and it shows your reader that you respect them and you respect your own writing. There are some great articles on YWS if you're confused about it, and my other advice would be that whenever you read books you take into account how the author does it. Because that's how it should be done.

III. OPENINGS

Okay, someone wise once told me that starting with somebody waking up isn't a good idea, and here's why: you've then got to go through their whole morning routine. Which doesn't really vary very much, they get up, the get dressed, they might wash, they might eat, they leave the house. We might find out a little about their family arrangements. But other than that, it doesn't lend itself to plot or to character development, and it's not really gripping. Here's another great article that talks about what makes an arresting opening.

IV. OVERALL

Could use a little work.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x