I Still Have Hope...

lead weights falling from the sky
scream to just release my burden
hear how loud the voices cry
how long does it take to die?
how long will i shut my eyes?
how long till i claim what's mine?
how long should i trust this lie?

feel it tumbling in my head
don't know how to keep on worrying
though these doubts are never dead
what is felt is never said.
what is thought cannot be read.
what is roaring my head?
what is it that you have fled?

time elapses like a flight
yet this fire would seize burning
here we hope, we wish, we might
we will never lose this fight
we will not put out the light
we will always be alright
we will fall in love tonight.

Hey. Normally I'm not one for poems, but this came off really well and you did a good job with it. I just have a few problems. a lot of the time, you do this:

how long will i shut my eyes?

That red I, and all I's, have to be capitalized, no matter what. Also:

we will never lose this fight
we will not put out the light
we will always be alright
we will fall in love tonight.

You do this at the very end of each section of the poem. You either repeat we will, or what is, or how long. It just seems a little excessive to me. Keep writing!

once again very nice job

I noticed one problem . . .

"what is thought is cannot be read." is it suppose to say that??

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the feeling i get from this one. it's a feeling of unending possibilities and hope, so even though it feels, looks, and is said to be impossible it can still be done

thanks for this one!

I love the emotion in this! I agree with eveyone else! This poem is amazing! I'm going to have to read your other stuff!

--Anne<3

Thank you so much. Since I only have two peices on here (I'm new) you can visit www.listenlistenup.blogspot.com for more.

Thanks again <3

Hey Kayla,

lead weights falling from the sky
scream to just release my burden

The first thing I thought when I read this bit was 'Lead weights don't scream.' Maybe it's just me but the imagery here doesn't seem to fit.

hear how loud the voices cry
how long does it take to die?
how long will i shut my eyes?
how long till i claim what's mine?
how long should i trust this lie?

A lot of repetition of 'how long' It all turns into a blur, perhaps you should use other words instead of 'how long' to retain the readers interest in it.

feel it tumbling in my head
don't know how to keep on worrying
though these doubts are never dead

Fell what tumbing in your head? The weights? The voices? Explain...

what is felt is never said.
what is thought cannot be read.
what is roaring my head?
what is it that you have fled?

Again with the repetition only this time with what is.

time elapses like a flight
yet this fire would seize burning
here we hope, we wish, we might

This is my favorite line in the poem, it reads well and flows with ease.

we will never lose this fight
we will not put out the light
we will always be alright
we will fall in love tonight.

Repetition, again.

This is a very emotional poem but I felt as though the repetition killed it, There was a really good line but it didn't really redeem the rest of the poem.

very good! i like this one!

@AngerManagment I understand that the repetition can get rather monotonous, but when I write poems, I tend to say them out loud, to hear how they sound. So when I wrote this and read it aloud, I would say each new line (that began with a repeating phrase) faster and louder then the one before. If you heard it, it would probably make more sense why it repeats... for instance, in the line:

hear how loud the voices cry
how long does it take to die?
how long will i shut my eyes?
how long till i claim what's mine?
how long should i trust this lie?

... I would imagine it to be read like this:

hear how loud the voices cry
how long does it take to die?!?!
how long will i shut my eyes?!?!?!?!?!?!
HOW LONG TILL I CLAIM WHAT'S MINE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
HOW LONG SHOULD I TRUST THIS LIE?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

When read this way, either out loud or in your head, the repetion (to me anyways) makes sense... it's like a continuation off the same idea, only each time growing more intense and more vital.

If the repetion makes more sense to you written this way, I will probably make those repeating lines in the poem look more like that (obviously not as excessive).

Just thought I would explain the repetion. Thank you so much for critically reviewing my work

KaylaMason wrote:lead weights falling from the sky
scream to just release my burden
hear how loud the voices cry
how long does it take to die?
how long will i shut my eyes?
how long till i claim what's mine?<---stanza is good but the meaning you want to convey contains too much obsession or desire?
how long should i trust this lie?

feel it tumbling in my head
don't know how to keep on worrying
though these doubts are never dead
what is felt is never said.
what is thought cannot be read.
what is roaring my head?
what is it that you have fled?<--- try not to rhyme too much, simple is better

time elapses like a flight
yet this fire would seize burning
here we hope, we wish, we might
we will never lose this fight
we will not put out the light
we will always be alright
we will fall in love tonight.

<--- i like this one never surrender and never give up

Though there are some redundancies and repetitions, I can feel the emotions in this poem.

Keep it up!!!