The Bittersweet Life

Chapter One

Danny Thornton was a normal boy of 15 until a severe car accident which ended up with both his parents dead.

Beep... beep ...beep. Those were the first sounds Danny heard as he woke up. He opened his eyes to see a very bright white room. He tried to move his arm to shield his eyes. He was stiff. Blinking a few times to let his eyes adjust to the newfound brightness in this... room... Come to think of it where was he?
“Danny?” he recognised that voice, but who the hell was it? “Nurse! Nurse! I think he’s awake!” there it was that voice, he could tell it was a girl but still he couldn’t place it. Then suddenly a face appears above him.
“Sarah?” Danny croaked, he knew he recognised that voice. Sarah Freedman was his cousin and very close they were to, so it didn’t really surprise him to see just as he wakes up. Sarah had soft, light brown hair and greenish blue eyes. She was around 5 foot tall and skinny. “What’s going on Sarah? Where am I? And where’s my parents?” Danny asked these questions as he tried to sit up.

“Whoa there! Just keep still ‘till the nurse comes and checks on you.” She spoke softly as she pushed him back down.
“Answer my questions damn it!” he demanded, but stayed lying down as she asked. Sarah looked around nervously as though she was trying to find some distraction so she didn’t have to answer him. Finally she sighed and sat on the edge of the bed.
“Look Danny I don’t think I should be the one telling you this but...” she paused, biting her lip.
“Telling me what?” Danny questioned.
“Well you see... erm... I don’t know how to say this but...”Sarah stammered.
“Just spit it out already!” Danny insisted.
“Your parents are dead!” Sarah blurted out. She quickly recovered for the shock of her doing so. “Danny I’m so sorry, there was nothing any of the doctors could do! They died in on arrival,” she was welling up, she had every right to, they were her aunt and uncle after all. Danny was still in shock. He couldn’t believe it, his parents were dead. Gone. Forever. They would never go on family trips together, never go out to dinner, and never have stupid fights, ever again.
“Danny?” Sarah said softly. Danny slowly sat himself up, cringing at the slight pain he felt because he was so stiff. He reached over to Sarah and grabbed her hand.
“It’s ok, we’ll get through this,” he said softly, pulling her closer to him and bringing her into a much needed hug. They clung to each other and cried softly for their lost of great people.

And then, finally, a nurse walked in. She coughed slightly to let them know she was there. The nurse had dark brown hair, dark eyes and was wearing a nurse’s uniform.
“I’m sorry to interrupt, but the doctor asked me to check your vitals,” she had quite a high voice but not squeaky, thankfully. Danny nodded and wiped his eyes. The nurse walked over to his bed and quickly, but gently checked him over. She then wrote something in the clipboard at the bottom of his bed.
“Everything seems to be in order, I shall go fetch the doctor,” with that she promptly left the room. Danny and Sarah looked at each other, and then for some unknown reason, that neither of them really cared about, they started laughing. Actually laughing! They hugged each other and laughed. Tears still falling, but it was laughter all the same. When they pulled away they noticed someone standing in the doorway. Two someones actually.
“Aunty Megan, Uncle John!” Danny exclaimed.
“Mam, Dad!” Sarah cried at the same time.

They smiled softly and walked towards them. Megan was Danny’s dad’s sister and therefore his aunt. She looked a lot like him and so did Sarah the only difference was the hair. Aunty Megan had light brown hair and his dad had a blondish brown sort of colour, more blond than brown though. John had dark brown hair and green eyes, he was tall and skinny like Sarah and they had the same personality.
“Nice to see you finally awake,” Uncle John said smiling. Danny smiled back, tears sparkling on his face.
“Yeah,” Danny laughed. “Sarah told me....” he trailed off, his smile fading.
“Oh dear I’m so sorry!” Aunty Megan said rushing over to hug him.
“It’s ok,” he mumbled, hugging her back. “Anyway, how are yous dealing with it?” he asked letting go of her.
“We’re ok,” Aunty Megan assured him, smiling softly. Uncle John stepped forward.
“Look Danny, I know this isn’t the ideal time for this but... seeing as your parents are... gone. You’ll be moving in with us.” He finished in a rush. To say the very least, Danny was shocked. There was absolutely no denying that. He looked at each of them, carefully deciding on what he should say. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, then he sighed. Slowly a small smile crept onto his face. Danny laughed.
“Well I’ll move in with you guys on one condition...” they looked at him expectantly. “I get to choose how I want my room.” They smiled.
“Fine!” Sarah sighed, pretending to be disappointed. “I guess I’ll have to send those pots of luminous pink paint back.” They laughed.
“Hey, you never know I might use them!” Danny joked. They all laughed, happy that they will get though this together.

A small cough came from the doorway, where a man, in his late twenties stood. He was clearly of Asian descent; with the usual black hair and dark eyes. He had thin framed, square glasses on and slight stubble. He smiled and approached the bed where Danny, and the others, sat.
“Hello, I am Dr Shou Ishikawa. You can call me Dr Shou,” the man smiled. It was obvious English wasn’t his first language and, judging by his name he was Japanese. He seemed like a very kind and friendly man.
“Erm... Dr Shou, when do think I can go home?” Danny asked, unsure if he was being disrespectful. Dr Shou smiled.
“As soon as we do some test and make sure everything is fine you can go. We just need to do a few scans and blood tests and that should be it.” His smile faded slightly “But I’m afraid even if all the scans and tests are clear, we will have to keep you over night.”
“We understand, of course, we expected so,” Uncle John said smiling. Dr Shou nodded, smiled and... bowed. When they all looked at him strangely, him smiled, embarrassed and explained.
“Sorry, old habit... it’s a custom in my country to bow to be respectful.” Dr Shou smiled again. They smiled back and he left the room.

Hey KasanKokoro!
You have a decent story here, but it needs some work. I noticed that you switched tenses quite often, a good piece of work should only be written in past, present, or future.

Also, I noticed that your story sounded a bit awkward (or to me at least).

Danny Thornton was a normal boy of 15 until a severe car accident which ended up with both his parents dead.

There's nothing interesting in this sentence. It's just like "Oh, really? Well that's unfortunate,"

Never fear, SodapopLunchbox is here!
I know how to fix your dilemna! Your piece is lacking emotion. This story deals with some hardcore heartwrenching, and you should make that known. Danny's parents have just passed away, and he dwells on it for a second. Let us into his mind and make us feel sorry for him. Also the fact that he could joke around five minutes after he has learned that his parents have died is unconviencing. Maybe if you wrote how Danny is the type to joke in upsetting situatons?

Overall, you're on the right track but you've got some work to do!
PM me if you need any help!

Hey Kasan, Evi here!

Show, don't tell!

I'm not going to do a line-by-line because, well, there's too much to point out, unfortunately. But that's okay! That's what editing is for. First of all, you're suffering from tell-itis, meaning that you're telling readers things instead of showing readers things. Check out this article on Showing -vs- Telling so that you can focus on actually describing events instead of dumping information. Places where this comes into play are places such as physical description; when you describe Sarah, her parents, and the nurse, see if you can spread out that information instead of dropping in all in a big, awkward pile for us to process. That's called an info dump, and they're boring to read.

Grammar is your friend

Next, your grammar leaves something to be desired. Check out this article on commas and semi-colons to fix all your comma splices. Also, check out this article on Dialogue Punctuation to help with...well, dialogue punctuation! You also need to remember that whenever a new character begins speaking, their words go on a fresh line to start a new paragraph. Otherwise it's all jumbled together.

Also, please do proofread your work before posting, as a common courtesy to your reviewers! You have numerous typos right now-- at one point you say "yous", which isn't a word, and you have a sentence that says "cried softly for their lost of great people", which doesn't make any sense. A quick spell-check run (it's available at the top of the posting box) can fix spelling errors, and reading through the story twice can catch many of the common sense ones.

Overall story

So, this isn't much of a hook for a novel! Nothing much happens here. We learn that his parents die in a car crash, leaving him without any extensive injuries (which is weird-- how did he survive so easily and both of them perish?), but that's not a very original place to start with. I'd suggest starting with the accident itself, to throw action immediately. There are many more unique approaches you can take to tell this story.

As far as characters, I was appalled that they were already laughing and joking about bedroom colors. His parents just died. He'd numb for a moment but then seems to get over the fact far too quickly, which just isn't natural. This kind of thing sends people into clinical depressions, makes them cry and moan for months until they can keep it in, and even then the moment plagues their dreams and thoughts constantly. Think of this realistically; he'd be grateful that they were taking him in, but that doesn't fill the gaping hole his parents left so quickly.

Finally, make sure to describe the car accident and explain where they were going, what their last words were, whose fault it was, how Danny survived with only "stiffness" as a problem...all of that would stick in his mind. He'd replay the moment over and over in his head, probably from the first moment he wakes up. Put yourself in his shoes! How would you react?

Overall, while you need to work on your grammar and believability, I'm confident that you can make this better. Keep writing, best of luck, and PM me for anything!

~Evi

Thanks guys I didn't realise about some of the stuff. 'yous' is a how they speak up in the north east of england and that's how I want the charaters to talk. I'm going to edit it then re-post it later.

I’m not quite sure about this story to be honest. It’s too…blunt and to the point. I can’t imagine a person—Danny, yelling at his cousin when he’s supposed to be…I don’t know, woozy from waking up in the hospital. Also, it all seems unrealistic, I mean, if my parents were dead I wouldn’t be laughing about decorating a room and joking around. I’d be devastated and hurt. The story’s plot about the car accident is good, I’d just advise starting over a little and really focusing on how things should happen. How it would take place in a real life situation. Perhaps adding small background info on Danny and his parents would help? So yeah, try to re-do this, it has potential.

Wheadee