The Séance Revival (The Ouija Board)

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The Séance Revival is another attempt at a series of seven short stories that I wrote a while ago. This is part 1/7. Each part is one of the seven character's POV.

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The Ouija Board


Jimmy



It was my sixteenth birthday, and my friend Sam had given me a Ouija board. I didn’t know what it was. By the looks of it, it was probably just another one of those board games he gives me every year. He knows I don’t play board games, yet he still buys me one every year because he knows it’ll piss me off. I gave him a joking death stare and glanced down at the box. It was black, except for the ghostly green letters that spelled out ‘Ouija Board’ in the center. I flipped it over to see what was on the bottom, but there was nothing. I set it aside and flipped Sam off, who cracked his witty smile and laughed.

“What was it?” Brianne asked, sitting on the couch in front of me. “I didn’t see what it said.”

“It’s a Ouija board,” Lillian replied. “It’s just a game.”

“It’s not just a game,” Sam said, adjusting his glasses. He took them off his nose and wiped them clean on his shirt.

“It’s a game that tells you your future. And it glows in the dark. So, I think we should play it tonight.”

Roger sat next to Brianne on the couch. He asked, “Hey, Jimmy, can I see the game for a second?” I threw the game onto his lap and reached for another present.

“That’s from Jen and I,” Steve said, clutching a football between his hands. Jen nodded and smiled. “I hope you like it,” she said.

I ripped open the bag and a package of gum slid out. I reached inside and pulled out a scented candle and a gift card to the movies.

“Thanks guys,” I said, smiling. “Lil, it looks like we’re going on a date to the movies.” Lillian smiled and resumed to look at the board game that was in Roger’s lap.

“Well, that’s it. Thanks everyone. I really like all the gifts,” I said.

Everyone chimed in a ‘happy birthday’ while I sat there looking like an idiot. My presents were scattered on the floor, and I skimmed through them once again. A T-shirt, an iTunes gift card, the latest book in a series I was reading, the board game and Steve and Jen’s gifts.

“Can we play the game?” Sam asked, standing up from the couch. The others followed suit.

“Uh, sure. I don’t care. What do you guys want to do?” I asked, and the vote was unanimous. I wasn’t too particularly thrilled about the idea of sitting down to play a board game, but what else was there to do? It was the middle of October, and it looked like it was about to rain. My parents were out, leaving my friends and I alone in the house.

Roger, who had the board game, slit open the plastic that surrounded the box and set it on the kitchen table. We all grabbed a seat as Roger lifted the cover off. I stole a glance at Lillian, who was seated to my right. I gave her an inconspicuous wink. Roger took the board out of the box and set it on the table. I had never seen a Ouija board before, and the moment I glanced at it, I frowned. The board was a rectangle. In the middle, the alphabet was strewn across in a half circle in two rows. In the top left corner was the word YES, and in the top right, NO. At the bottom were the numbers zero through nine.

“This doesn’t look like a board game,” I said as Roger pulled out a white, heart shaped plastic marker and set it on the board.

“Well,” Jen said, “it’s not really a board game. Haven’t you ever seen a Ouija board?”

I shook my head and watched Roger sit down in his chair with the instructions in his hand.

“A Ouija board is used to talk to the dead.”

Everyone stared at Jen. My mouth hung open a bit, and then I cleared my throat.

“So, Sam? I thought you bought me a board game? Apparently, you’ve now purchased a real life telephone to hell,” I said and smiled when the tension was cut by laughter.

“I’m not joking,” Jen said, raising her eyebrows. “This stuff’s real. My uncle has one and plays with it a lot. Some scary shit can happen. It’s not a toy.”

“Yeah, guys?” Roger piped in, sliding his thick glasses up his nose. “I’ve heard a lot about Ouija boards. They’re like, evil. I don’t know if we should be messing with it.”

“Dude,” Sam said pointedly. “It’s sold by the Parker Brothers.” He pointed to the side of the box, where the Parker Brother’s logo was. “It’s a toy. Believe me.”

“I don’t know,” Roger whimpered. “It seems pretty real to me. I don’t feel comfortable playing with it.”

“Alright, listen, guys. We’ll play it once. Let’s just test it out before we jump to any conclusions, okay?” I said. “Is everyone okay with that? Honestly, I don’t believe in this stuff. I mean, what could even happen? How does this thing work?”

“I’m not sure. I know we’re supposed to call on a ghost, or something,” Jen replied, slipping her fingers in-between Steve’s. “But I’m not sure how it all works. Roger? What do the instructions say?”

“I’ve heard about these,” Lillian whispered. “They’re Satanic, aren’t they?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “It’s just a game. Believe me. We’ll be fine.”

“The instructions are pretty vague. It says we’re supposed to place the planchette (which I’m guessing is this),” Roger pointed to the heart shaped plastic marker, “in the center of the board. We’re supposed to sit in a circle, light some candles and turn out the lights. It says two people put their finger on the planchette and the rest hold hands and ask questions. But it doesn’t say what to ask . Guys, I don’t know. It seems really dark. I don’t want to do it.”

“Oh, grow some balls, Rog,” Steve grumbled. “It’s not real. Let’s just play. Hurry, I need to get home soon. I have football practice in the morning.”

“Hey!” Brianne said. “Don’t talk to him like that. He can do whatever he wants to do.”

“Guys,” I reminded. “Tempers. But Brianne’s right. Roger, if you don’t want to play—”

“I’ll play,” Roger said. Something dark was in his tone. I knew Roger hated to be bossed around by Steve, but there wasn’t much I could do about it. Steve was like that. He was a jock. And Roger? Well, Roger wasn’t.

“Okay. We need candles? Is that what you said?” I asked. I glanced over to my pile of gifts and saw the scented candles that Steve and Jen had given me. Roger muttered something, and I stood up and retrieved them. I took the plastic wrapping off it, set it on a plate and slid it in the middle of the table, beside the board. Grabbing the matches from the kitchen drawer, I lit one and lit the wick on the candle. It grabbed the flame and held it there, like some Olympic torch.

“I’ll get the lights,” Lillian said. She flicked the switch, and the room was sent into darkness, save the one candle that was lit.

“Wow, that’s like, really creepy. Can we turn the lights on?” Brianne asked, but Steven replied with a curt, “No! Just shut up and let’s play.”

“Be nice,” Jen whispered.

“Who wants to put their fingers on the marker?” I asked. “I’ll do it, but I need someone else.”

“I will,” Lillian replied, sliding her hands up to mine. Her hands were warm and soft and smelled like lotion.

The rest of the group held hands and we sat in silence for a moment.

“What do we do?” Lillian asked. I shrugged.

“Is there, uh, anything here with us?” I asked, my voice faltering a little bit.

The room was completely silent. We didn’t even breathe.

“When will I die?” Steve sneered and laughed.

“Steve, don’t,” Roger whispered.

“Shut up, Roger. This stuff isn’t real. Nothing’s gonna happen. And if something does happen, it’ll be because Jimmy and Lil push the stupid marker. There won’t be any ghosts talking to us.”

“Will you shut up?” I asked. I hope the sound of annoyance in my tone would shut Steve up, but it didn’t.

“No! I can say what I want to say. I don’t believe in this crap. Nothing’s gonna happen!”

Right then, I heard something.

“Shut up!” I urged, but he kept talking. “Steve, shut the hell up! I heard something!”

Our group fell silent. My eyes stared into the candle, which was as steady as ever. What had I heard? It came from the other room.

“Jimmy? What’d you hear?” Lillian asked.

“Shush. Just listen.”

We listened.

Nothing.

After a while, I placed my hand on the planchette again, and said, “You have our attention. If that was you, can you do it again? Can you make a sound?”

There was more of that earsplitting silence for a few moments, but then I heard something across the table. It was Brianne breathing loud and deep.

“Brianne, cut it out. Stop breathing like that!” I said.

“Guys,” she whimpered, but her voice died out.

“What?”

“I feel really cold all of a sudden.”

I didn’t speak. I couldn’t. Goosebumps traveled up and down my back.

“Are you in this room with us?” Lillian asked, resuming the séance.

Silence.

“I want to go home—” Roger began but something caught his eye.

The candle blew out, throwing the room into utter darkness. Not even the moon was shining through the windows. Brianne uttered a small cry.

I let go of the planchette and leaned back in my chair in shock. I could feel Lillian stiffen in her seat.

“I’ll get the lights,” I whispered. I rose from my chair and walked to the light switch. I flicked it on.

As I turned around, my eyes glanced at the board and the planchette. The hair on the back of my neck stood up.

The marker was resting on the word YES.
Last edited by BigBadBear on Mon Aug 02, 2010 9:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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I've always been intrigued by movies or books that capture the essence of a ghost story and make into something that truly sends chills up your back. This did that. I can really find no forseeable problems with this story, except that it's too short and that I want more. So post more, I want the conclusion to this story, seeing as how I'm a believer in the paranormal and all. Keep writing! Please.
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I liked this. You did very well explaining to the reader what was happening and the conversation with the characters was very fluid. You kept the story moving at a good rate without speeding up to get to your point or to the climax of the story. Very well done!
One thing I would to fix is to describe the characters and a little more of their surroundings. I could hear what was happening fine but I couldn't really see the characters well or where they were. You don't have to go in to much detail, but just the little things like what his or her hair color is or what his or her face looks like. Same with the setting. Even the littlest of detail helps the reader's image.
I would love to read more so keep it up!
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ZOMG ZOMG, Jared. I get to do this all again! *dances* Stella, reporting for Séance duty!

I. NITPICKS

It was my sixteenth birthday, and my friend Sam had given me a Ouija board.


What a way to start. Why not start with an action?

who cracked his witty smile and laughed.


his witty smile? How is a smile witty? I would go for something like, "who cracked the smile that meant he thought he was funny" or something. Just witty smile sounds like the smile itself was witty.

Roger sat next to Brianne on the couch.


Did he just sit down? Otherwise, why don't you show us this instead of tell it?
Everyone stared at Jen.


Alright, a few of the others seem to know what it is later on, so is there a specific reason they all stare at her?
“I’ve heard about these,” Lillian whispered. “They’re Satanic, aren’t they?”


From what I remember, Lillian's the Catholic one, right? Or, religious of some sort. As they're all saying things, show Jimmy's reaction. It'll help with your character development.

“The instructions are pretty vague. It says we’re supposed to place the planchette (which I’m guessing is this),”


The parentheses look weird.

He was a jock. And Roger? Well, Roger wasn’t.


Are people actually, like, jocks? I always thought that was just a movie thing. And if there's such a clear separation, why are they all friends with Jimmy?

the scented candles that Steve and Jen had given me.


It just struck me, what a WEIRD gift to give a 16 year old boy.

The candle blew out,


was blown out, maybe?

II. CHARACTER

I think my main problem with this before- as it is now, is your character development. Jimmy- we don't see nearly as much of him as I'd like to see. Some of the others I can put into their boxes- Steve's impatient and, as you say, a jock, Roger's sort of shy and wants to prove himself, Jen's the pushover girlfriend, Brianne's the nice one. But Jimmy himself is pretty sparse. I only just got the hint of his and Lillian's relationship- and Lillian herself needs a little more. Sam basically fades into the woodwork. I want to see you make them real people, and show us who they are. The banter's fine, the premise is spooky, but the characters need flesh.

III. OVERALL

You know I like this.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
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I like some of this, but not enough of it. You've got the beginnings of some nice characterization and the end of this installment shows us you can nail suspenseful writing, but everything between the beginning and the end felt a little lukewarm.

To go through a few things:

- Being told what a Ouija does is a little like being told how to play Monopoly, and having the writer explain to you why you need to purchase all those little houses and hotels. And I've never even played / used / whatevered a Ouija board. It's such a common staple of teen and/or horror entertainment that having the characters break it down in more-than-necessary elaborate detail simply feels like a waste of word-space, and a waste of your reader's attention span.

Maybe this is just me, but I would encourage you eliminate the descriptions of the Ouija board, or, if you really feel like you need to explain it -- pare it down heavily. The first time I read a novel with a Ouija board, I think the writer just jumped into it -- as in, "the characters sat down and placed their hands on the board and started asking questions, and this is what happened." I think I was around nine or ten, and I got the gist. Basically: don't talk down to your audience.

- Character development. I found myself a little lost trying to keep track of all the characters, mainly because they aren't given many distinguishing characteristics and I'm left trying to remember names as opposed to actual people. I know you're planning to write an installment from each of their perspectives, but I sort of question the necessity of having such a large ensemble cast with such little space. Unless you plan to write each of your installments a lot longer than this one, it seems like this story won't be very long, and when you barely had time to include many characterizing details about each of your MCs in THIS installment, I find it hard to believe that you'll have time once the plot really starts to roll. I'm going to also assume that you might kill some characters off (this is, after all, fairly horror-flavoured). And I probably don't need to say this, but killing a character we've barely met has little to no visceral impact, versus killing off a character whose presence we actually notice in the story. Even if you don't plan to kill anyone off, it's going to be hard to care about the events that happen to them and to genuinely hope that they emerge from this unscathed when there's so many of them with the detail (already fairly scant) being spread so thin.

If you feel you really need to keep each and every one of these characters (and besides authorial attachment, I seriously wonder if that's necessary), incorporate more of these characters into this narrative. Sam is the only one I really feel like I know, just by the fairly revealing anecdote at the beginning. I would encourage you to sprinkle similar anecdotes and interactions and details throughout the story, giving us a better sense of all these characters as we emerge from this installment. Again, this is the set-up, so the fact that we haven't left this part without a decent understanding of most of the characters is a little troubling.

On a minor note, I struggled with the believability of all the characters; half of them are fairly wimpy and impressionable for 16-year-olds. We live in an age of general skepticism, and we've all seen a healthy enough dose of horror films to be a little less afraid of a board. I didn't buy that so many of them were so creeped out by it. I also found it hard to believe that in the company of others, they weren't willing to put on a tougher exterior, or at least tone down the 'I hear they're Satanic' comments.

I'd also warn you to be aware of your genre (unless you plan to take this in a very different route in the next few chapters), since this is developing as a fairly standard-fare horror story as of right now. I've seen this story a hundred times already, which is fine for now, but I'm hoping you play with this ouija-board-gone-wrong scenario in a different way than it's already been played out before.

Anyway, good luck with writing / tweaking! Let me know if you need any points clarified or elaborate upon.
"He yanked himself free and fled to the kitchen where something huddled against the flooded windowpanes. It sighed and wept and tapped continually, and suddenly he was outside, staring in, the rain beating, the wind chilling him, and all the candle darkness inside lost."




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Jared!

I only skimmed over the reviews briefly, so I may sound like a skipping record. Just saying.

It was my sixteenth birthday, and my friend Sam had given me a Ouija board.


Okay, whoa there. This first sentence is way too direct. I couldn't find myself wanting to continue to read, because the first sentence was so boring. How about starting it with a description of Jimmy tearing open the paper to reveal the Ouiji board? This will set up the basic storyline quickly and efficiently, while also letting us know that it's Jimmy's birthday without telling us straight out.

“It’s a game that tells you your future. And it glows in the dark. So, I think we should play it tonight.”


If Sam is still the one speaking, this should be attached to the previous paragraph. Otherwise, let us know who said it. As for the sentence itself, I don't like this at all. I understand why you put in the part about it being glow-in-the-dark, but I feel it's rather unnecessary. I'd prefer you leave that detail until they've pulled out the board and started playing. Also, I thought that Ouiji boards are made to talk to the dead, not tell the future?

Roger sat next to Brianne on the couch. He asked, “Hey, Jimmy, can I see the game for a second?” I threw the game onto his lap and reached for another present.


This bit is really quite unnecessary, seeing as nothing follows Roger's action. Maybe you could use this as a time to set up Roger's character a bit more. Have him look at the board game and mention that he doesn't think it's a good idea, or something.

“That’s from Jen and I,” Steve said, clutching a football between his hands.


Not only does part following the dialogue have nothing to do with what was mentioned before, it's just not good to begin with. It struck me as a sort of afterthought, like "Oh, I need to set up the fact that's he's a football player, so let's put a football in his hands." You may as well have told us (though, now that I think about it, you did later on in the story) that he's a jock and ultimately cooler than everyone else in the room. Why would he even carry a football with him to Jimmy's birthday party anyway? Why don't you describe him? Show us the he's the cool, football playing type instead of telling us.

I ripped open the bag and a package of gum slid out. I reached inside and pulled out a scented candle and a gift card to the movies.


The fact that they coincidentally bought scented candles, which just so happens to work out perfectly because "Oh, we need candles for the Ouiji board! Well, look at that!" seems just a little too perfect. And what person (especially if it comes from Steve) gives a sixteen-year-old boy candles for his birthday anyway? It's rather odd. I think you should change it to something that would say a bit more about Jimmy's character.

“So, Sam? I thought you bought me a board game? Apparently, you’ve now purchased a real life telephone to hell,” I said and smiled when the tension was cut by laughter.


The way this dialogue is delivered is a bit unnatural, which tones down the humor in this sentence. '"Sam, I thought you bought me a board game," I said with a grin. "Not a real-life telephone to hell"' or something like that sounds a bit more realistic coming from a teenager's mouth.

“Yeah, guys?” Roger piped in, sliding his thick glasses up his nose.


This sentence is just far too cliché, with "sliding his thick glasses up his nose" and whatnot.

“I don’t know,” I said. “It’s just a game. Believe me. We’ll be fine.”


Just a minute ago, Jimmy didn't even know what the game was. How could he possible know this? I think this would be better coming from someone else's mouth.

“The instructions are pretty vague. It says we’re supposed to place the planchette (which I’m guessing is this),”


Parentheses in dialogue doesn't work out too well. It would probably be better if it were broken up like '"The instructions are pretty vague. It says we're supposed to place the planchette in the center of the board. I'm guessing the planchette is this," Roger said, pointing to the heart-shaped plastic marker.'

Steve was like that. He was a jock. And Roger? Well, Roger wasn’t.


I literally groaned when I saw this sentence. This is so... typical. So teenager-y. As if being a jock makes any difference? If things are that much different between them, why would they be friends at all? And enough with the telling, already, Mister! Show us he's a jock, instead of turning this into some high school TV drama.

I glanced over to my pile of gifts and saw the scented candles that Steve and Jen had given me.


Before, there had only been one candle. But you know how I feel about the candle thing anyway.

“Wow, that’s like, really creepy. Can we turn the lights on?” Brianne asked


Again with the stereotypical clichés. The "like" in this sentence seems to be put in there to say "Oh, she's the popular valley girl type!" I wish you'd given her some more personality prior to that. Which brings me into the next portion quite nicely!

Overall, you've got a great suspense story here. Quick-moving, conflicted, with a nice cliffhanger ending that will keep us hooked for the next segment. But there are several problems I see in this piece. The biggest would be the character development. You’ve given us virtually nothing in means of characters. Especially Jimmy. Who is Jimmy? As the person narrating the story, we should get a lot of personality from him through his own words, but we don’t. He’s a completely bland character, as well as the others. I kept one getting mixed up as to who was who, because there’s nothing that distinguishes the characters from the others. What are their quirks? What do they look like? Roger’s the timid nerdy one, I’ve gathered. Steve is a jock who pushes people around. But what makes them different from the other hordes of characters ever created? What about the other characters? I don’t know anything at all about any of the others. And most of all; how did this group of all completely different teenagers come to be friends? I know you still have several other segments to describe a lot of this, but we still need a little more background, seeing as this is the first portion of the series.

The other issue I want to address is the whole “showing versus telling” thing. I know you’ve heard this concept about a thousand times over. But you still need to work on it. There’s so much telling in this story that there’s not enough interest to keep reading. Instead of telling how the chills ran down his back, why not describe the balmy, clingy air grabbing at his skin? Instead of telling us that Lillian’s hands smelled of lotion, why not describe the vaguely cinnamon scented breeze that blew his way when she moved close to him?

Besides these two things, I like that this story is too-the-point and fast-paced, with a good solid ending. I’d like to see a lot more haunting descriptions and distinct characters, but what you’ve got here is a great beginning. If you fine-tune it a bit more, it’ll definitely be something.

-Holly
eviscerate your fragile frame
spill it out in ragged form
a thousand different versions of yourself.



No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace as I have seen in one autumnal face.
— John Donne