The Protecter

Chapter One: A Stroll Through The Forest
I quietly put up my cloak, feeling the soft cloth. Night didn’t make the forest any more bearable, and what's more it was pouring rain. I heard something in the bushes behind me; I immediately put my hand on my sword, Everblade. With this very blade I have killed and gouged many of my enemies. Out of the bush came an arrow, I quickly leaped out of the way. Five assassins leaped out from the shadows all armed with bows and daggers, they circled me, glaring at me through their masks. I threw myself backwards with Everblade at my waist pointing at the assassin behind me; he was in the process of dodging when he died. Probably a newbie. That was a wake up call for the assassins, one jumped towards me with both of his hands above his hands holding his dagger; stupid mistake. I threw my fist towards his gut, but this man was better trained then the one I killed, for he quickly lifted his knee to block the punch. I rolled sideways barely dodging the attack only to be shot in the shoulder by a nearby assassin. My light armor took most of the hit but I was still hurt. I acted like I was badly injured I crouched down grasping my arm in mock pain. Only three of the four remaining assassins came and surrounded me, thinking they had defeated me, only one stayed back watching warily. When one of the killers leaned in to pick me up I did my move, I swept my leg on the ground in a full circle knocking the men off their feet. I quickly killed all of them and turned around just in time to dodge the last assassin’s dagger being thrown at me. I sheathed Everblade, while my enemy sheathed another small dagger.

“ Ha! You’re going to fight with that sliver of iron!” I said laughingly. I spoke too soon, the assassin expertly jumped in front of me and thrusted his dagger forward. It was a strong attack so I couldn’t block so I dodged it, he quickly sliced sideways. I immediately dropped feeling the blade pass above me. I lashed Everblade out into his legs; he leaped up and came down with his dagger pointed at me. I stuck Everblade straight up and I instantly saw a change in the assassin’s body. He tried to shift his body out of the way but he was going too fast and my sword hit its mark.

Any good? It's my first story so it might not be great.

Hiya! Welcome to YWS! Now, down to reviewing.

I don't know what is going on in your story. What is the plot? You might want to expand on this chapter to draw the reader in. Why is your character being assassinated? What's the setting? What's the time period? Is this on Earth or in an alternate universe? You'll probably want to answer these questions in your writing.

Down to nitpicks (I'm going to write in red):

Chapter One: A Stroll Through The Forest
I quietly put up my cloak, while looking around. Night didn’t make the forest any more bearable, it was pouring down [If it's rain, of course it is coming down] rain. I heard something in the bushes behind me;[not sure if you need a semicolon here or not...] I immediately put my hand on my sword, Everblade. With this very blade I have killed,[You don't need a coma here] and gouged many of my enemies. Out of the bush came an arrow,and/so/then I quickly leaped out of the way. Five assassins leaped out from the shadows, all armed with bows and daggers, the [the? I'm guessing you mean 'then'] circled me glaring at me through their masks. I threw myself backwards with Everblade at my waist pointing at the assassin behind me; the assassin was in the process of dodging when he died. Probably a newbie. That was a wake up call for the assassins, [I would have a period here] one jumped towards me with both of his hands above his hands holding his dagger; stupid mistake. I threw my fist towards his gut, but this assassin was better trained then the one I killed, for he quickly lifted his knee to block the punch. I rolled sideways barely dodging the attack only to be shot in the shoulder by a nearby assassin. My light armor took most of the hit but I was still hurt. I acted like I was badly injured ,so I crouched down grasping my arm in mock pain. Only three of the four remaining assassins came and surrounded me, thinking they had defeated me, only one stayed back watching warily. When one of the killers leaned in to pick me up I did my move, I swept my leg on the ground in a full circle knocking the assassins of their feet. I quickly killed all of them and turned around just in time to dodge the last assassin’s dagger being thrown at me. I sheathed Everblade, while the killer sheathed another small dagger.

“ Ha! You’re going to fight with that sliver of iron!” I said laughingly. I spoke to soon, the assassin expertly jumped in front of me and thrusted his dagger forward. It was a strong attack so I couldn’t block so I dodged it, he quickly sliced sideways. I immediately dropped feeling the blade pass above me. I lashed Everblade out into his legs; he leaped up and came down with his dagger pointed at me. I stuck Everblade straight up and I instantly saw a change in the assassin’s body. He tried to shift his body out of the way but he was going to fast and my sword hit its mark.

I would recommend reading your writing through before you post it on here.

Overall, for your first story, this is pretty good. I don't really get the ending to this chapter, though, and it doesn't really pull me in. Take another look at it, and keep writing!

Thanks for the tips.

Chapter Two: An Errand
I cleaned myself up and headed towards my destination, which was the kingdom Morgalath. My king sent me to Morgalath because the king of Morgalth requested my help. His Protectors were killed in a war. Morgalath was an ally of the kingdom that I live in, Rinter. Spring mornings enhanced the beauty of Morgalath; the forest was better in the mornings than the night but not by much. As I neared the gated of Morgalath I thought of who would send those assassins from lat night. I narrowed it down to one kingdom. Seston, whose king is very evil indeed; about ten years ago he and his army invaded our allies and us. His army was much bigger and stronger; they left us on our knees. My troop of Protectors and me, a group of spies assigned to each kingdom, had been directed to infiltrate Seston, and kill the king. There are originally five members in each group of Protectors, but I am the only Protector alive from my kingdom. We successfully made it to the throne room that wasn’t guarded at all, with the king, Moltik sitting there. All of my teammates ran towards the king, but I stayed back suspecting a trap, no sooner than I had that thought a segment of the ceiling came crashing down on my teammates. I looked towards Moltik in horror; he stood there smiling with his hand on a rope that triggered the ceiling.

“ Seems your friends met an unexpected death.” Moltik said with a smirk. One of my teammates was still alive, but barely. It was Alec, he called me over,

“ Jagger, just leave while you can. There’s nothing you can do about us.” he barely got those words out.

“ No I can’t! I have to try!!” I cried out. But he was gone. I weighed my decisions, I decided and got up and left. I still can’t live that down to this day, maybe I could’ve even stopped the war. That was ten years ago, and now I’m twenty-seven. Those memories circled my head as I stood in front of Morgalath’s gates. I looked up to see guards with crossbows pointed at me.

“ I come from Rinter, your king, Victor has requested me.” The guards looked at each other and nodded. They cranked the gates open and I walked in. I looked around, and saw your typical medieval market. All around I saw marketers trying to sell their potions and animals. I pulled my cloak up covering my head; one trader came up and persistently said,

“ Sir my goat will sell for only 600 bronze coins!! Isn’t that amazing?” I looked at him from the shadows of my cloak.

“ Sorry I’m not interested.” I replied. The marketer’s expression changed from questioning to satisfied, as soon as he walked away I instantly felt lighter. I rushed into the crowd and found the man; I grabbed him by his hair and pulled him towards me. I looked at him and he knew I knew,

“ Just give me my money.” I requested fiercely. He gave me my bag of coins back with a shaky hand,

“ Now where’s the king?” I questioned, he turned around and pointed to the biggest tower in the center. I let him go regretfully. Thankfully no one saw that episode, they were to busy with there own things. As I was walking towards the castle I looked into a mirror, my short jet, black hair was matted with rain, blood, and dirt. You could barely see my piercing blue eyes because of my swollen face. I pulled my cloak up to cover my face, and kept walking. I walked up to the staircase and was greeted by intense guards,

“ I’m Jagger and I’m here from Rinter. I was told King Victor was in need of my services.” The guards looked at me in wonder, they moved away from the staircase and let me in. The staircase was long and wet, and as I climbed up I thought of what King Victor could want me for. I reached the top and marched in, Victor was sitting on his throne with guards on both sides.

“ You requested me?” I asked.

“ Yes. I have reasons to believe that a spy from Seston has been here for about a month.”

“ Who my lord?” He walked to his window and signaled me to follow him.

“ Him.” He pointed to a man in a dark purple robe concealing his face.

“ I want you to follow him and see where he goes.”

“ Yes sir.” I replied as I rushed to the stairs.

I hope that clears things up.

Hello there!

Here to review.

Comments and suggestions in RED.

LigerTiger10 wrote:Chapter One: A Stroll Through The Forest
I quietly put up my cloak, while looking around. (Now, I think you can do better than what you're narrating here. I'm actually referring to your first line. I don't quite appreciate the adverb there, you might want to do more showing, 'cause as far as I can see, that is bit of a telling part. Describe to us the soft cloak around her or something like that, even the atmosphere around your main character)Night didn’t make the forest any more bearable, it was pouring down rain (sounds better if like this: the rain was pouring down). I heard something in the bushes behind me; I immediately put my hand on my sword, Everblade. With this very blade I have killed, (unnecessary comma) and gouged many of my enemies. Out of the bush came an arrow, I quickly leaped out of the way. Five assassins leaped out from the shadows all armed with bows and daggers, they circled me, glaring at me through their masks. I threw myself backwards with Everblade at my waist pointing at the assassin behind me; the assassin (you could have just said "he" since it's understandable that you're quite referring to the assassin)was in the process of dodging when he died. Probably a newbie. That was a wake up call for the assassins, one jumped towards me with both of his hands above his hands (personally, repetitions sometimes annoy me, especially when written twice within a sentence) holding his dagger; stupid mistake. I threw my fist towards his gut, but this assassin was better trained than the one I killed, for he quickly lifted his knee to block the punch. I rolled sideways barely dodging the attack only to be shot in the shoulder by a nearby assassin. My light armor took most of the hit but I was still hurt. I acted like I was badly injured, I crouched down grasping my arm in mock pain. Only three of the four remaining assassins came and surrounded me, thinking they had defeated me, only one stayed back watching warily. When one of the killers leaned in to pick me up I did my move, I swept my leg on the ground in a full circle knocking the assassins of their feet. I quickly killed all of them and turned around just in time to dodge the last assassin’s dagger being thrown at me. I sheathed Everblade, while the killer sheathed (repetition)another small dagger.

“ Ha! You’re going to fight with that sliver of iron!” I said laughingly. I spoke too soon, the assassin expertly jumped in front of me and thrusted his dagger forward. It was a strong attack so I couldn’t block so I dodged it, he quickly sliced sideways I immediately dropped feeling the blade pass above me. (<<--- That is a very long sentence and you might want to chop those off into fewer sentence) I lashed Everblade out into his legs; he leaped up and came down with his dagger pointed at me. I stuck Everblade straight up and I instantly saw a change in the assassin’s body. He tried to shift his body out of the way but he was going too fast and my sword hit its mark.

When all's said and done...

I think this has a potential and could really sense that you can come up with a better idea and descriptions or some things than what you've offered in this piece. Also, I like the fighting scene though it'll be much better of you've revised some awkward sentences. The pace is too fast so you might want to make things slower so your readers can cope up well with this story. But this is a good start. As with your characters, you need to introduce him very well. There are no informations that could give us a hint or a clue of what is the general identity of your character. You also do mostly the telling part. I tell you, instead of giving us adverbs, show us how he "quietly" put up the cloak, said "laughingly" and many more. However, I should say good job for having your verbs all consistent and your spelling is quite good. Though I can consider some typos but again, you need to edit this one. PM me for questions and hope I helped.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

I edited Chapter One.

Hi. This whole situation with your plot and everything intrigues me, but the problem is that sometime I think the dialog and the narration seems a bit strange, or unrealistic. Try to build suspense like you are, but sort of do the narration and dialog a bit different, if that makes any sense. Sorry if I can't be more specific.

Wonderful, LightTiger10!! I like the idea of the assassins, and i love how your MC is obviously a trained fighter.
However, what is the plot? Who is the MC? Why are FIVE whole assassins attacking them? And why are they called the Protector(if thats what they're called...if they're not, ignore that last sentence )?

I tried to explain in the second chapter. Guess I didn't do a good job. Sorry.

Chapter Four: The Chase
I leaped down the stairs I kept thinking why was this spy here; there was nothing in this kingdom for him. I reached the bottom and searched for my target. He was headed towards the gates, but the thing was he wasn’t going to the giant doors. He was headed towards some vines growing up the wall. He started climbing as I raced after him. He shouldn’t see me that was the key point. I rushed through the crowd pushing and shoving and receiving rude remarks, I waited for him to get to the top until I started climbing. I swiftly scurried up just in time to see the man jump to a nearby tree. He quickly slid down; I on the other didn’t like trees. When I was ten my father fell off a tree and died instantly, he picked fruit as a job. The thing about him was that he took his job too seriously. I gathered my wits and leaped to a branch in front of me. It was spring and the tree was covered in colorful leaves; which didn’t give me much comfort. My target was already on the ground and was walking away. I felt the worn bark on my hand and started dropping from branch to branch. When I was about fifty feet above the ground, a problem reared its head. The braches started breaking. I increased my speed that only seemed to make the branches crack faster. When I was thirty feet above ground the branch I was on broke. I was falling, crashing through the branches. I felt the braches slice me through my cloak, and I thought I was going to end the same way as my father. Just when I was nearing the ground a branch that I thought I was going to crash though broke my fall and knocked the wind out of me. I laid there for a while, thinking about my close brush with death. Then I remembered why I even climbed the tree and got up and slipped down. As soon as my feet hit the ground my side started aching and I couldn’t breathe. Pain is just weakness leaving the body I reminded myself. I lifted my cloak to see the damage; I didn’t even recognize my own skin. Most of my torso was purple. I took a deep breath (which hurt) and limped in the direction in which my target went in. I couldn’t go on like this I thought as the sky darkened. Great, just what I need. A storm. Through the trees came a faint glow, I slowly walked towards the ember glow. I came upon a small tavern just as a purple robe entered. I walked in taking small painful breaths. I spotted the spy at the bar; I sat at a table behind me. I simply sat down and groaned, acknowledging my intense pain. The bar owner took notice of me and his gruff voice filled the air,

“ What be wrong fellow? Your at Ranger’s Rum, you should be happy.” I took off my cloak and revealed my cuts and bruises. The man gasped through his brown beard and shouted,

“ Ingrid, come quick!!” Out of the kitchen came a beautiful woman, white hair, brown eyes, and she seemed in her early twenties. I immediately sat up in interest; I took in the pain of that action and smiled.

“ Yes Father?” Her soft silky found it’s way to my ears.

“ This young man needs your treatment. Take him to the back room.” She walked over to me and looked into my eyes, as if inspecting.

“ Come on.” She said in a monotone voice. I followed her into a room on my left. Right before she closed the door I saw the spy in the purple robe turn and stare at me with two silver eyes.