Lonely

Lingering footsteps, a hint of a sigh;
Once beautiful whispers, now lukewarm and dry.

Hair rubs on shoulders, an old coat of paint;
Waking used to be hell, now morning's a saint.

Bedroom walls once bare, now coated in tears;
He's missed more than you'd like, wishes surpass fears.
---
Just something I threw together out of boredom. I feel like it should be longer, but I was getting frustrated (I've never tried to write anything with a specific meter and rhyme scheme before this) and I didn't want to just throw up words. Let me know what you think, I am a novice when it comes to poetry. It's interesting, though, exploring something you're unfamiliar with.

First off, I'm just starting to play around with meter so I know it can be a challenge,but you did manage to achieve an admirable amount of rhythm with this one. It could easily be longer. There's not a whole lot I feel I can say about this one other than that i thought the third line just didn't work:

"Hair rubs on shoulders, an old coat of paint"

I can't really feel that one: hair=old paint?

But other wise I especially liked the last couplet, very well written. Good job.

* If you have any tips about how you metered the poem, I'd love to here them. Thanks

The Modernist

Hi Drawers! This is a beautiful poem, though I have one overall question. Is this poem meant to be a personification of the abstract concept of loneliness, or is it about something that is lonely? If your purpose was the former, you didan excellent job. If it was the latter, your work is still excellent, but it could use some more details to let the reader know just exactly what you're talking about. Man, I hope that made sense.

I have just one nitpick (a surprisingly low amount for me).

Drawers wrote:Once beautiful whispers, now lukewarm and dry.

When I think of lukewarm, I think of some sort of a liquid. You know, couldn't you just imagine the words "Heat until lukewarm" printed on the directions of some baby formula? "Lukewarm and dry" almost seems like an oxymoron to me. Again, that could be just me.

Overall, spectacular work!

Hey, this is gonna be a really quick review- I was just flicking through a few poems on here, reading them, but I thought this one deserved a comment. I liked this.

Don't apologize for it's shortness, some of the best poems are one or two lines long! I loved the issues raised in this, grief being one of them, loved the tone, the speaker and some of the imagery used. The only line I didn't really understand was this one:

an old coat of paint

It just seemed kind of thrown in there- but please remember these are just my own personal thoughts. It's probably an illusion or metaphor I just didn't catch.

The meter was spot on in this. I tried reading it aloud and it sounded fluid and concise. I especially liked the 'morning's a saint' line.

You said you were a novice at poetry, well this shows a lot of potential and you should definitely get bored more often!

Cheers,

Eimear.

Hi. I really like this poem.

Just for the sake of reviewing, I will say that the rhythm isn't completely fluid in the last three lines, as it is the first three lines. This doesn't really affect the quality of the poem for me, but if you want to be meticulous about it, you could probably change a word or two to make those lines have the same flow.

I really like the line about how waking up, and about mornings. The rhyme works really well, like you didn't have to search for a word to fit the bill. It just seems like it fits.

Good job and keep working on it.

I would really appreciate it if you would review some of my work. I don't have very many peices on here yet, so you could visit my blog, which is listed below.

Drawers wrote:Lingering footsteps, a hint of a sigh;
Once beautiful whispers, now lukewarm and dry.<--- you caught my feelings, I can feel you sad

Hair rubs on shoulders, an old coat of paint;
Waking used to be hell, now morning's a saint.<----after the first stanza, the feeling of sadness is getting diminished by someone ^_^

Bedroom walls once bare, now coated in tears;
He's missed more than you'd like, wishes surpass fears.<---- yearning, missing someone I like this part.

First of all hello!

Back to my review, overall it was good though you can further add some more stanzas.

Enjoy!

Vir