The Day life began and Died (Prologue)

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Hey guys, I really haven't written anything in a while, and this just sorta came to me ya know? SO! I hope you like it, it's a work in progress. Thanks Addawen.


Carnivorous lightening etches across the red dawn sky, her doughty morbid sister sounding deep and angry within the high mountains of Khalwhim. Winter barren trees arched and gnarled in the bitter wind, sing of happier times. Of times, when the sun was hot and gloriously high in the sky, shedding it's life giving light for all.
But sadly happy times are few, and misbegotten. Tales from the crypt if you must put it, fairy tales for the children, to reassure them that maybe, just maybe light will shine through this sad dying kingdom.
Thunder, like the jealous stepsister cracks across the greying sky, like a cat of nine tales slashing and biting her way through sweet innocent dreams.
At this moment in the eye of the storm, a young girl sleeps, nightmares haunting her without mercy. She stretches and twists, fighting against the demons that snatch and grab at her.
Restlessly she turns over, sweat pouring from her brow, though the room is cool. A hand reaches over and gently rocks her, waking her before the monsters could seek their revenge.
“Princess, all is well, arise now.” a man's voice sounds close to her ear.
She gasps jerking up into a sitting position, her heart pounding, her breath coming quickly. Never have the nightmares been so vivid before, it was like it happened just this morning, instead of six years ago.
The young princess wipes away sweat from her brow, her tired green eyes hazy and begging for one night of peace.
She turns to her lover for the night, her perfectly shaped eyebrows pulling together in a scowl. “Never call me that.” she snapped, pulling dark hair away from her neck.
“Never, I haven't been that-that thing in over six years!” the fear from her nightmare rushing away, and now anger took hold, clawing, snapping, snarling, twisting and contorting her beautiful face.
She lashes out at her lover, a naïve freshly trained body guard, one that has fallen like all the others. He has failed, and for that he must be punished.
Long delicate fingers catch onto his sweet baby face, scaring the pink cheeks. He screams clutching the wound, the young babe rushes out of her bedroom, all training forgotten, his only thought was to survive.
With the reassuring click of the door becoming one with the frame, she throws back her head in torment howling out her broken heartedness. Gnarled fingers claw at the chain encircling her long white throat, no more can she stand this curse, this emptiness.
The heart wants, the body needs, and the mind suffers. - me




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Hey Addawen! iceprincess here to review! :D

The story is quite interesting, and I do want to read the next installment, but there are a few things that stood out to me in your story.

Winter barren trees arched and gnarled in the bitter wind, sing of happier times.


Since your story is in present tense, "arching and gnarling" would be better than "arched and gnarled". However, I loved this description. :wink:

Of times, when the sun was hot and gloriously high in the sky, shedding it's life giving light for all.


"It's" is an abbreviation of "it is"; but I am very sure you didn't mean by "shedding it is life giving light for all". I also loved this description!

Thunder, like the jealous stepsister cracks across the greying sky, like a cat of nine tales slashing and biting her way through sweet innocent dreams.


I'm sorry, but I don't really get it --- what jealous stepsister? From Cinderella?!

She turns to her lover for the night, her perfectly shaped eyebrows pulling together in a scowl. “Never call me that.” she snapped, pulling dark hair away from her neck.
“Never, I haven't been that-that thing in over six years!”


Does this mean that the guard was the same thing from her nightmares? His answer is a bit weird.

Other than that, you wrote a pretty suspenseful opening for your novel/story! Keep writing, and I hope to see more of your works!

~Rosie =]
you'll never find another sweet little girl with sequined sea foam eyes
ocean lapping voice, smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky
and you're all alone again tonight; not again, not again, not again.
and don't it feel alright, and don't it feel so nice? lovely.






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Hey, Addawen, it's Pink. I saw you posted something and decided to drop by and do a review :)
Alright so I have just a few nitpicks...

“Princess, all is well, arise now.” a man's voice sounds close to her ear.

Capitalize A.

She gasps, jerking up into a sitting position with her heart pounding and her breath coming quickly.

I like commas but I think this sentence sounds better with more conjunctions.

But yeah, that's all I really caught. I have to say I like the way you've written this. I feels as if I'm reading an old epic fairy tale and I wondering what's going on and what type of magic this kind of story holds. Your writing captured my attention but there are some parts where I left confused as to what was happening. Your use of strong descriptive words pulled me away from the string of events a one point. Other than that I'm looking forward to the next installment, let me know when you've posted it :D

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham



One believes things because one has been conditioned to believe them.
— Aldous Huxley, Brave New World