Gladiator Girl

I had to write a tiny sample thingy for something for other a few months ago, and this came up. I didn't do anything with it until today, so its a TOTAL first draft. Really rough. Also, i NEVER write in first person, but this was not a story that could be written in third.

It's about a girl training to be a dragon gladiator, and its her first time in the arena.




“Go!” Heron said just before he shoved me into the arena. The iron door slammed shut with a bang that reverberated through me. I was alone. I stared up at the thousands of people watching me, wondering if this young apprentice would survive. I could almost hear the bets being placed, ten to two in favor of my death.
The door opposite me swung open, and the biggest dragon I had ever seen emerged. It was huge, black as night, with wicked-looking ivory claws longer than my arm.

I stared into its crimson eyes and stumbled back. I was going to die. Right here, right now, in front of everybody and there second cousin. So much for glory and fame. I was dragon meat.
I stared into crimson eyes. And I couldn't’t look away. I was falling into a void; en endless, bottomless pit. No, Rory! Shouted a voice in my mind. It sounded so much like Luke. God, Luke. Would I ever see him again? Remember? [/i[i]]Hypnotism is a dragon’s greatest power. Break the contact.
“Luke,” I whined. “I can’t. I’m stuck.”
Rory, do it. Now! My best friend yelled in my head.
“Fine.” I muttered, and blinked. It was that easy. All I had to do was blink.
But now the dragon was only feet away from me. It snorted, and huge columns of flame shot out of its nostrils, filling the air with smoke. I pressed my arm against my face, trying not to breath in too much smoke.
In that moment of confusion, the dragon almost got me.
I heard razor sharp claws scraping the packed earth floor of the arena. I was on the ground before my brain had registered the movement. A jet of flame shot passed my head. I shied away from the intense heat, and jumped to my feet.
A thick, black snake of a thing was coming toward me. The dragon’s tail. No. Luke said inside my head. Don’t you dare. It’s stupid and dangerous. You’re going to get yourself killed. And I will simply not allow that. What I was about to do was all those things, and more. I was probably about to get myself killed. And I didn’t care.
As the tail whizzed passed me, I leaped at it, wrapping my arms around one of the thick barbs. I hung on for dear life while the dragon looked for me. The world was a blur. I was moving so fast. So fast that the air was ripped from my lungs before I had so much as got a breath in.
When the tail passed over the dragon’s back, I let go. My feet hit the smooth black scales so hard it jarred my legs. I stumbled over to the dragon’s neck, and found myself staring once again into a pair of crimson eyes. No. I thought.
The dragon opened its mouth, and suddenly I knew what I had to do. Before it had time to burn me to a crisp, I ducked under its jaw, and embedded my sword in its neck.
Blood as hot as fire washed over me, and I screamed as my shocked body registered the pain. Under me, the dragon shuttered and collapsed.
Second later, it seemed, Luke crouched at my side, his cool fingers touching my cheek. “Rory, Rory, stay with me. You won. You killed the dragon. Stay with me, okay?” I wanted to tell him,’ yes, I will stay with you, and I haven’t just won my fight to die afterward’ but my lips wouldn’t form the words. He picked me up in his arms, and carried me out of the arena. I lay my head against his chest and smiled grimly. I was still alive. I had passed the test.
I was a gladiator.

Hello, Sierra!

The door opposite me swung open, and the biggest dragon I had ever seen emerged.

Take out the comma.

And I couldn't’t look away.

Couldn't is mispelled.

en endless, bottomless pit.

En should be an.

[/i[i]]Hypnotism is a dragon’s greatest power. Break the contact.

Seconds later, it seemed, Luke crouched at my side, his cool fingers touching my cheek.

This was fun to read. I would just like more backstory on Rory and Luke. I like your description during the fight. The ending was a little vague and bland to me though, unlike the rest of the story. The plot is great and I would love to read more.

ReisePiecey!

'It's about a girl training to be a dragon gladiator, and its her first time in the arena.' Yes, this is just on YWS, but... May I suggest you let the story speak for itself? In my opinion, it's excellent enough to do that.

'I was alone. I stared up at the thousands of people watching me.' If you were trying to make a statement, that even with so many people watching her, not one of them's going to help her, then good! But otherwise, it sounds odd for the words 'alone' and 'thousands of people' to be in consecutive sentences. If you are going for an effect, maybe find a way to express that more clearly?

'I stared up at the thousands of people watching me, wondering if this young apprentice would survive.' You may have a bit of a dangling participle here. First read-through, I thought she was wondering to herself 'if this young apprentice would survive.' Then, skimming over it to glance back at something else, I realized you probably meant the thousands of people were watching her, in which case you have another problem. She wouldn't know for sure what all those people are thinking. I'd find a way to do something with that phrase like you did with the next one. 'I could almost hear the bets being placed...' That's a great way to imply what's going on with the crowd without losing your main character's POV for a second.

'everybody and there second cousin.' Their.

'And I couldn't’t look away' couldn't.

'Remember? [/i[i.]]Hypnotism is a dragon’s greatest power' Obviously, that [/i[i.]] has to go. Easy to fix.

That dialogue in the middle of her hypnotism-induced trance seems a little odd... XD

'filling the air with smoke. I pressed my arm against my face, trying not to breath in too much smoke. ' Those smokes seem a little repetitive to me. Remember, the thesaurus is your friend. ^^

'In that moment of confusion, the dragon almost got me.' Again, let the story speak for itself. The action that follows this makes it unnecessary, and is a whole lot more fun to read than 'the dragon almost got me.'

'It’s stupid and dangerous. You’re going to get yourself killed. And I will simply not allow that. What I was about to do was all those things, and more. I was probably about to get myself killed. And I didn’t care.' This is an odd way to place this... May I suggest something more like this?
It's stupid and dangerous. All those things and more. You're going to get yourself killed. Probably. But I didn't care.
Something like that. It's a little smoother, a little clearer, and you don't have to add things you've already stated to her thoughts in response to his.

'I stumbled over to the dragon’s neck, and found myself staring once again into a pair of crimson eyes. No. I thought.
The dragon opened its mouth, and suddenly I knew what I had to do. Before it had time to burn me to a crisp, I ducked under its jaw' If she's staring into its eyes and climbing on its neck, how is it at the right angle to blow fire at her? :/ She should be out of its range, shouldn't she? Unless there's some aspect of the dragon's anatomy that you haven't mentioned, in which case it should be mentioned. Otherwise, there's sure to be other threats that put her in more iminant danger than the fire. Like that barbed tail. Yikes. o.o

'the dragon shuttered and collapsed' Shuddered.

'Second later, it seemed' A second, or seconds.

'yes, I will stay with you, and I haven’t just won my fight to die afterward’ That 'and' seems a little odd to me. I think that line would have more impact if it were divided up. 'I will stay with you. I haven't won my fight just to die afterward'. *shrug*

All I can think of now is that line from 'How to Train Your Dragon.' "We're vikings! It's an occupational hazard!" Though this story is really about gladiators.

That, and- "What crazy person would pick a job where being covered in burning hot blood means you're a success?" o.O

But then again, I'm already getting a sense of your characters, so I know that Rory is exactly the type of crazy person who'd pick a job like that. I know that she's determined, and reckless, and I know that this 'Luke' really cares about her, though I'm not entirely sure why she was hearing his thoughts in her head. o.O

Nor do I know exactly why she's chosen this job. Does she have some huge emotional stake in it, or is she just after the fame and glory? Come to think of it, I think you mentioned the fame and glory... So, maybe never mind. XD

Bottom line, I liked this. ^^ A little polishing maybe is needed, but for an unaltered first draft, this is pretty good. Keep up the good work.

I can express my general opinion with a simple word problem: The sum of the uniqueness of a female gladiator and tradition fantasy elements equals pretty darn awesome. Some stuff that I found lacking was a description of almost any thing. It might be that Rory is too overwhelmed that she doesn't take anything in (my personal experience is that perception increases during high adrenalin moments), but it might be nice to know stuff like does the dragon have wings, or what kind of armor Rory is wearing. Other then that I found the story straight forward and fun to read. It seemed like you've thought out the plot of this more then what you wrote here. Some things that indicated this: Heron, a named character with little to do other then shove Rory; the mention of a deep friendship with Luke; and the telepathy hypnotizing dragons. I could be wrong but that's the way it looked like to me. I really, really like the idea of a girl gladiator. I've never see or heard of a story about one and now that I have, well, I kind of want more.

Hey Siera,

First of all I think you write very well for someone as young as yourself I was impressed. I loved the idea. Not just is this gladiator a female (when traditionally they are males) but she's slaying a dragon! Awesome There were a couple of things I picked up on, but the other comments have covered those so I don't need to repeat them. I know you have great potential, because if you're writing this well at 12, imagine how great you'll be after a few years. Keep up the good work

I liked it. A really good story. It was the sort of story to keep you captivated right up to the end. Loved it.

This is really good! I'm on my first day here so i don't know too much about writing, but from what i can see you have quite that knack for it. Keep writing!

My 8 year old read and reviewed, under close supervision, the story as follows:

I like your description about Luke and Rory, I also thought the description of the dragon was great. I could imagine the dragon in my head. The way it was scary was good too, because I like scary stories but not too scary.

You used the word 'shuttered' but perhaps you meant 'shattered' , 'shuddered' or, 'stuttered'.

Very interesting Sar-Sar, not one of your best but still nice. Good job

Keep writing,
Alzora

"It was huge, black as night, with wicked-looking ivory claws longer than my arm."

I'd suggest arms, but I suppose that's fine.

"When the tail passed over the dragon’s back, I let go. My feet hit the smooth black scales so hard it jarred my legs."

*Smooth, black scales.

There were a few other minor things--extra italic markers, etc.--but it was pretty cool. Really cool actually. I'm a little confused about Luke, but I did enjoy the read. Nice job.
Oh, and funnily enough...I'm writing a book that involves a character named Luke (a main character) and another book with a Luke as a minor character.
...I obviously like the name.
By the way, awesome job of keeping on topic. I stink at short stories. And I like the dragon gladiator idea. It's overused because of that kids' movie my sister watched, but I'm sure if you put a big twist in it or made the dragons truly evil, made things darker, you could pull off a full-length novel.
Or you could stick with short stories. Short stories are awesome for lazy readers like me.